A FEW NON-ELEVATOR JOKES TO BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY!!!!
Here is a hohumm, Newspaper article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2,1999....
"Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the internal security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank.
The robbers cracked the first safes' combination and inside they found only a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said "At least we'll have a bite to eat" The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding.
The process continued until all the safes were opened. They found not one valuable item, not even a dollar of cash. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach."
The hmmm, newspaper headline read:
IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING
Aesop's Fables: Lessons of Management
A crow was sitting in tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow and asked him "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate him.
Management Lesson:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get it where it wnts to go." The hands said, "We should be Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and eyes until finally the arsehole spoke up. All the parts laughed and jeered at the thought of the arsehole being made Boss. So the arsehole immediately went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a week the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the toes cramped, the heart and lungs panicked and the brain fevered. Eventually all decided that the arsehole should be Boss, so the motion was passed. So all the other parts worked while the Boss just sat there and passed out sh*t!
Management Lesson:
You don't need brains to be a Boss - any arsehole will do.
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "But I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found tht it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
3 Men Trapped in a Burning Building
There were 3 men, a Samoan, English and Indian man trapped on the 8th floor of a 10 storey building which was on fire.
There was nowhere else for them to go but jump down, so 6 Hamo firefighters held out a blanket and yelled "Chump... chump..."
so the English man went first but before he was to hit the blanket the firefighters moved it out and the English man hit the ground and died.
So the Indian man went next and the firefighters repeated the same thing and he hit the ground and died.
Finally the Samoan man was preparing to jump but was hesitant because of what happened to the first two... but the firefighters ressured him and said "Chump... chump," but the Samoan man replied "you fink I stubid, chust put it on da kround!!!"
Hmmhaha, this is one of my favourite jokes...
THE NEW PRIEST
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the waterglass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body," he did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the 'Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest and St Taffy's.
Dr Sky Tower Disects..... SANTA CLAUS
DOES HE REALLY, HMMM, EXIST?
My elevator patients are so humm, naive... many of them actually believe in Santa Claus! Well, I have done my own observations of the existence of Santa Claus, and like many other Scientific Types, have also come up with the following information, hmmha.....
POINT ONE: SPECIES
No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen
POINT TWO: POPULATION DENSITY
There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the work load to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each
POINT THREE: TIME DURATION
Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and rotation of the Earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.
POINT FOUR: ESTIMATED TIMES OF ARRIVAL AND DEPARTURE
Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the Earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about >.78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding the reindeer, restacking the sleigh with presents etc.
Point of Interest...
On the subject of speed, this means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound (but not quite the speed of light!) For purposes of comparison, the hmmm, fastest man-made vehicle on Earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second. The conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
POINT FIVE: PAYLOAD
The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granted that 'flying reindeer' (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is 50 times the weight of the Sky Tower. Woah.
POINT SIX: GRAVITATIONAL FORCES
353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the Earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhle, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than the Earth's gravity. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) will be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force. By all accounts, he should lose weight EXTREMELY rapidly.
CONCLUSION:
If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's hmmmho, dead now!
SLAUGHTER OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE
Here are some, hmmm, more signs and notices written in English from around the World
In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notis.
In a Hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11am daily.
In a Japanese Hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In a Yugoslavian Hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetary where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
Outside a Hong Kong tailer shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.
From the Soviet Weekly:
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
In a Bangkok dry cleaners :
Drop your trousers here for best results.
In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist :
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakin tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?
In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today - no icecream.
In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the gaurd on duty.
In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in men and other diseases.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.