Dr Sky Tower Disects ELEVATOR
PASSENGERS!!

There are many different species of Elevator Passenger. My patients, being the neurotic lot they are Ha,ha! constantly ask questions on what the species are and what they mean. Here, I have compiled a List of Species for My Dear Readers To Ponder over (hmmmha!!!)

THE CONTROLLER (elevatorus buttonpusherus)
A strange and unusual species, often of Homo Sapien Sapiens origin but can be any Simian capable of Operating an Elevator. Spends a great deal of its time hogging the elevator controls and snarling at anything else that dares to push the buttons. Usually asks "Whaaaat Floooor?" There are many subspecies of Controllers, a Few I shall list, hohum, here.... 

THE CONTROLLER Subspecies Passive (elevatorus operatorus)
Often referred to as a 'Lift Attendant' or 'Elevator Operator'. Very docile and eager to please, their overwhelming desire to push buttons in elevators all day long leads them to getting jobs as elevator operators. Also a feeling of being in charge of something drives elevatorus operatorus to button pushing in lifts..... (ho ho ho!!)

THE CONTROLLER Subspecies Possessive (elevatorus bossman)
Probably the most aggressive of all Controllers, these hover at the front of the elevator, either right in the doorway or by the controls. They are known for their heavy handed tactics on taking over the controls, spitting and snarling at other Species. These are very territorial and catfights can occur when two (or more!)  Possesive Controllers enter the same elevator. Watch out World!!!!!

THE CONTROLLER Subspecies Loner (elevatorus solo)
A rather unusual Specimen of Controller, these often hog the whole elevator and force everything else out of the cab (even if it means turfing them down the lift shaft) so they get the total freedom of an empty cab to themselves. Are known for standing in the doors of an empty elevator at the next floor, growling in deep voices " GET OUT! This cab is Full!" Avoid.

THE WALL-HUGGER (elevatorus mouserus)
A  rather common species of elevatorus, which is known for its odd habit of hugging the elevator walls whilst elevator is in motion. Will grip the handrail for dear life, so as not to end up in the middle of the cab. They tend to be too afraid to stand away from the walls.  The reason for this is the distribution of lift weight - so the lift does not wobble or tilt. This timid species is not to be confused with the most elevator-timid of all, the elevatorus otisitis.

THE CAINTWAIT (elevatorus hurryitis)
A quite aggressive species that stand at the front of the lift usually in a bad mood, often looking at wristwatch  with irritation. If the lift should stop at a floor that is not theirs, they refuse to move, forcing other less aggressive species to exit either side of them. Can get into quite nasty fist fights with elevatorus bossman. They are usually well armoured and armed with brief cases and three piece suits. AVOID!!!!

THE CENTRE-STAGE (elevatorus ogle)
A species that absolutely loves the no-man land of standing in the middle of the elevator, surrounded on all four sides by its fellow Simians.. Often craving attention, this species flatulates, cracks awful jokes or sniffs at fellow elevatori. Are by far the most feared of all elevatori, and have resulted in many species becoming elevatorus otisitis.*

THE ELEVATOR-PHOBIC (elevatorus otisitis)
A very, very rare species that only on extreme cases will enter an elevator, and only at great discomfort to itself.
These almost are never seen in the vicinity of elevators, preferring to use the stairwell, even in buildings of 10 or more floors. These sad individuals would have been made phobic by the dreaded elevatorus ogle, which, on all accounts, should be banned from ever using an elevator!

* See 'things to do in an elevator'....