The English Society of T.W.G.Hs. Chen Zao Men College

English Society

Teachers-in-charge
Ms Alice Ng Ms Helen Wong Mr Thomas

Jokes (2000-2001)

The doctor came into a hospital room and told the patient's husband to wait outside while he examined his wife. A few minutes later the doctor came out and asked a nurse's aide if she could get him a pair of pliers. She did, and he went back into the patients' room. Five minutes later he came out and asked for a screwdriver. When he came out a third time for a hammer, the anxious husband demanded to know what was wrong with his wife. "I don't know yet," the doctor said. I can't get my bag open."

A large dog walks into a butcher shop carrying a purse in its mouth. He puts the purse down and sits in front of the meat case. "What is it, boy?" the butcher jokingly asks, "Want to buy some meat?"

"Woof!" barks the dog.

"And how much steak? Half a pound, a pound..."

"Woof!" signals the dog. The amazed butcher wraps the meat up and finds the money in the dog's purse. As the dog leaves, he decides to follow. The dog enters an apartment house, climbs to the third floor and begins scratching at a door. Suddenly the door swings open and an angry man starts shouting at the dog.

"Stop!" yells the butcher. "He's the most intelligent animal I've ever seen!"

"Intelligent?" counters the man. "This is the third time this week he's forgotten his key."

A MAN visiting a graveyard saw a tomb-stone that read, "Here lies John Kelly, a lawyer and an honest man."

"Well, how about that!" he exclaimed. "They've got three people buried in one grave."

CARL AND ABE, two old baseball fanatics, agree that whoever dies first will try to come back and tell the other if there's base ball in heaven.

One evening Abe passes away in his sleep. A few nights later Carl hears what sounds like Abe's voice. "Abe, is that you?" he asks.

"Of course it's me," Abe replies.

"I can't believe it," Carl whispers. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well, I have good news and bad news," Abe says. "The good news is yes, there's baseball in heaven. The bad news is you're pitching tomorrow night!"

THE little old lady had finally had enough and called the police. "Officer," she said when he arrived, "I want you to talk to the people next door. Every night they've been pounding on my wall and yelling at me till four o' clock in the morning."

"I guess you can't get a wink of sleep." the officer said sympathetically.

"Oh, it isn't that," the lady explained. "It's that with all the pounding and yelling, I can't enjoy my piano playing."　

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form.

A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available.

The pharmacist says, "Here's a pill for English literature."

The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!

"What else do you have?" asks the student.

"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist.

The student asks for these and swallows them and has new knowledge on those subjects. Then the student asks, "Do you have
a pill for math?"

The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment," goes back into the storeroom, brings back a whopper of a pill, and plunks it on the
counter.

"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.

The pharmacist replied, "Well, you know math always was a little hard to swallow."

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will." "That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..."

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news. Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first. Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live. Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news? Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

A retired pharmacist was having trouble with his memory. He couldn't remember anything and his wife was having trouble with her memory, too.
The pharmacist read in the paper one evening about a memory doctor who could help restore memory. He called his wife over and told her to read the ad. She thought it sounded pretty good and said, "I think we ought to see that doctor." He said, "I think we should, too." So, they went to see the memory doctor.
After seeing the doctor for about 6 weeks, the pharmacist and his wife went down to the senior citizen center and ran into one of their old friends.
The friend said, "I understand you're going to the memory doctor."
The pharmacist said, "Yes, that's right; we're both going."
His friend asked, "Is he any good?"
"Is he any good?" said the pharmacist, "He's the best doctor we've ever been to, he's really good!"
His friend said, "You know, I'm having trouble with my memory, too. I think I ought to see that doctor. What's the doctor's name?"
The pharmacist hesitated, "What's the doctor's name...what's the doctor's name?" He said, "Look, there's a flower with a real long stem, the stem has little green leaves and there are thorns sticking out of the stem. At the top of the stem is a big bulb flower that comes in all different colors. What do you call that?"
His friend said, "Why, that's a rose."
The pharmacist said, "Yea, that's right, rose." He turned to his wife and said, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of that doctor we've been going to?"