by Doc
A gentle tap at the door pulled Kerry from her thoughts. She had just returned to her office. She had decided to go to the meeting but on the way went into the bathroom. Coming out she couldn't face the meeting, what was she thinking she wondered, there was no way she wanted to be at the meeting so why she was on her way there she did not know. All eye's would be on her. Would they see she had been crying? No, she thought, just go back to the office.
She continued to look out the window. 'Come in.' She shouted assuming it was her secretary. The door opened and closed. Kerry waited. Nothing was said. She was getting annoyed. Turning to look at her visitor she had to steady herself with a hand on the back of her chair. 'Kim.' was all she said. Kim smiled, Kerry right at that very moment reminded her of the early days of their relationship when Kim would show up out of nowhere, Kerry always looked stunned and happy, confused and content, tense and relaxed all at the same time. She looked adorable when she was never sure how she felt.
In a soft voice Kim said, 'Hi Kerry.' They both smiled. An uncomfortable but not intolerable silence followed. Neither knew what to say and neither moved. They broke eye contact, glancing back at each other then away again.
'I thought you had left. I didn't think you'd be back.' Kerry said, looking at Kim but not quite managing to make eye contact.
'I almost didn't,' Kim said, 'but then...I don't know Kerry I didn't want to give up that easily.' Kim thought a moment before continuing. 'I didn't want to leave things between us like that again. I spent too many nights wishing we had parted differently last time, I didn't want to do the same again.'
Kerry nodded in agreement. Kim knew from the small gesture that Kerry had gone through the same thing.
'And Kerry, I didn't want to go without finding out as much as I can about Stevie.' Kim saw Kerry was ready to say something but went on before she could. 'I know Kerry that there is some things you are not going to tell me. I think you should but like you said you know Stevie better than I do so I will respect your decision even though I do not understand it. For all that you can't or won't tell me there must be as much that you can. There might be something, no matter how small, that can help me help Stevie. I can't go back without something Kerry. I can't just give up and hope it all works out.'
Kim wasn't sure how Kerry was going to react to her. She had been polite and none judgmental but Kim knew Kerry would pick up on her anger at Kerry not telling her everything she knows to help the young woman.
'I'm glad Kim. Stevie needs someone that's not going to give up. There's been to many people in that girls life that didn't stick with her when she needed them the most.' Kim heard the sadness in Kerry's voice.
'Are you one of those people Kerry?' Kerry recoiled a little. Kim didn't mean it to sound so accusatory it just came out that way.
'Think what you want Kim.' Kerry said sitting down. She sounded defeated, she thought Kim knew her better than that but maybe she didn't. She always suspected Kim never really understood her. She had been so much in love with Kim but deep down in her heart she knew it would never last. Her heart broke when Kim left, she knew it would happen but it didn't make the pain any less.
'Kerry I didn't mean to sound...' Kim trailed off, she wasn't sure how to continue. She didn't want to come out with the wrong thing it could set the two of them off again and that would defeat her purpose of coming back.
'Kim, ask your questions. Take notes and leave. That way at the end there will be no tears. There will be no shouting and we can finish this meeting with a sense of normality and friendship.' Kerry said. She knew if Kim and herself were not careful they would fall into the old trap and end up fighting all over again.
Kim decided to try something a little different. 'How are you Kerry?'
Kerry looked at her. She knew Kim was sincere but why ask all of sudden how she was? 'I'm fine Kim. How are you?' Kerry asked not sure where Kim was going with her line of questioning.
'Kerry I don't have an ulterior motive for asking you how you are. It's just that I realized I hadn't asked you when we first met again and, well, that's what friends do when they meet up for the first time after a few years without seeing one another.' Kim smiled hoping Kerry believed her.
'I'm sorry I didn't think to ask how you are. It's, well, Kim...well you took me by surprise down in the ER. You're the last person I expected to see. It is good to see you again by the way.' Both women smiled at each other. 'I really have been good Kim. Thank you for asking.'
'Have you really?' Kim asked.
'Yes, why? Do you think I'm lying to you?' Kerry asked a little suspicious again over what Kim meant.
'Um, well you know, after Sandy and the trouble with Henry...' Kim stopped talking when Kerry's eyes grew wide at Kim's mention of Sandy's name and of course the mention of Henry. 'Kerry I didn't mean anything by that. I'm sorry you lost Sandy the way you did. Kerry please don't get angry, I can see you're upset, annoyed and yes I think you're angry too but I meant it with sincerity. I hope you know that. I'm not trying to pry into the relationship you had with Sandy, I...' Kim stopped talking long enough to think and take a breath, 'Kerry I know how hard it is to lose someone and I just wanted you to know that I'm here if you need to talk.'
Kim had that feeling again, the one where she wants to hit her forehead and say 'd'oh'. She wondered just how bad that had sounded to Kerry. Here she was, Kerry's ex-girlfriend, asking about her dead lover and offering to listen to her if she needed to talk. Like she would want to talk about her dead girlfriend, who she loved so much that they had a child together, with her ex-lover who just happens to be a psychiatrist.
'Kerry, I didn't mean it to sound like I would counsel you, because that would be weird. I meant it as a friend. You lost someone I know how it feels. I don't know what it feels like to be a single mother but Kerry I do mean it when I say I'm here if you want to talk. And there, I did it again, I sound so much like a freakin psychiatrist.' She knew she should have stopped talking about four or five sentences ago but for some reason her mouth insisted on talking. Now that she had stopped and no matter how hard her lips wanted to move she wasn't going to let it happen, she was fully prepared to clamp a hand over her mouth if she really needed to.
Kim waited for a response. Nothing came. Kim almost spoke again but decided against it. She knew Kerry was watching her. She started to feel uncomfortable but tried not to show it.
Kim saw that Kerry, finally, was about to speak. 'I see Abby filled you in well.' Kerry had to force herself not to laugh at the utter amazement and surprise on Kim's face. She counted to ten before continuing. She wasn't doing it to make Kim squirm more than she already was or maybe she was she concluded. There was no other reason for doing it. She was surprised at herself. Lost in thought she was pulled back when Kim took in a deep unhinged breath. Thinking so long over her ten second break had caused it to be more of a 20 second break.
'You being back in the building Kim, did you think you could do anything without the entire hospital knowing about it? It's big news you being here, so much so that when I went to the bathroom one of the new med students rather excitedly told me all about me, you, us, you being back, leaving my office in tears, being in the parking lot with Abby. Then her face fell when she introduced herself, well her face didn't fall then that happened when I introduced myself. Poor girl. I left her there, I hope someone went in and found her.' Both women laughed out loud. Kerry stopped laughing, it had been a long time since she heard Kim laugh hard. It was odd how it was always the little things you miss. The sound of Kim laughing was one of those little things Kerry had really missed. She smiled and Kim finally stopped laughing.
'Thank you for the offer to listen to me Kim. I'm fine. I had a little therapy. Hey, don't look so surprised.' Kerry said with a laugh.
'I'm glad you're OK.' Kim dropped her head. 'I'm sorry for what I said. I didn't know who Henry was, I asumed...I got it wrong and I'm sorry.' Kim didn't look up. She was embarrassed about the whole thing.
'What did you assume Kim?' Kerry asked.
'It doesn't matter what I assumed,' Kim said before adding, 'even if what I thought was true I still wouldn't have any right to say what I did. You can be with who you want and I'm sorry Kerry.' Kim meant it and she only hoped Kerry would know her well enough to know it was the truth.
Kerry smiled at her. 'I know Kim. I know. And just for the record, guys, they don't figure very highly as partners for me. Well women don't right now either, I'm not ready for another relationship but if I were it would be a woman I'd want to be with.' Kim looked at her but Kerry cut her of before she could. 'Kim, I know I don't have to tell you that and that it doesn't matter whether I'm with someone of the opposite sex or with someone of the same sex but you're a friend and I think as my friend you should know who I really am,' Kerry said before adding with a laugh, 'like you already don't know, it's you that made me the lesbian I am.' Kerry's laugh burst into a full blooded roar of laughter. Kim grinned and couldn't hold back and laughed too.
After a few moments they both stopped. It was the first time they had both felt completely comfortable with each other since Kim's return.
Both women were looking away. At the same time they looked at each other making eye contact. It was at that moment they knew it was time to talk about Stevie. Kim was going to have to start. Kerry had told to ask her questions, take notes and get out. Kim wasn't so sure if she wanted to get out. She liked being with Kerry again, even if was only as friends. No, Kim thought, she can't start thinking of Kerry as anything more than a friend and right now nothing more than a colleague helping her with a patient.
Kim took a breath while Kerry held hers. They both knew what was coming.