by Doc
'OK Kerry, are you ready?'
Kerry nodded.
OK then, here we go.' Kim went into her bag, she was surprised she'd remembered to pick it up from the parking lot floor, pulling out her yellow note pad. She took one last look at Kerry as a friend, now when she looked at her she could only see her colleague. 'How did you meet Stevie?'
'She was a patient.'
Kim hoped Kerry's reply wasn't how this was going to go but she suspected it was. Instead of Kerry telling her why Stevie was a patient and how the patient ended up being in her care she was going to have to ask and she knew it wouldn't be just this question but possibly every question. As much as that was pissing her off she knew it was classic Kerry, not giving anything away that she didn't have to.
'How did she come to be a patient?'
'She was sick.' Kerry answered a little too smugly for Kim's liking but Kim decided not to let Kerry know how annoying she was being. She figured Kerry already knew by herself so there was no need to confirm it.
'And her symptoms where?'
'Being sick.' Kerry said very matterofffactly.
'OK, Kerry if you're not willing to help at all say so and we can end this.'
Kerry frowned. 'What?' She said innocently. 'Kim she was sick, I mean literally sick. She threw up all over the place. She'd been throwing up for five or six days straight and couldn't keep anything down. She was keeping liquids down for the first few days but then she couldn't even keep water down. That's when her parents brought her in.'
'Oh.' was all Kim said. She thought Kerry was trying to be funny with her answer.
'You thought I was trying to be a smart-ass there with that answer, didn't you?' Kerry said half accusing half mocking Kim.
Kim ducked her down as her cheeks flushed a little. Neither said anymore but there was a smile on both women's faces. It was nice to know they could still be playful with each other without it turning into something more than what it was.
'It took her parents six days to bring her in?'
'Yes, six days. I asked her parents why they waited so long. She wasn't just being sick this was awful, she looked so thin and pale. The vomiting get worse in the few hours she was in hospital. She wasn't bringing anything up, anything that wasn't attached was out. She was in so much pain from the dry heaving. Her little face went from white to red.' Kerry paused, she remembered that day well. She didn't know how any parent could allow their child to go so long without treatment. Kim watched her as she composed herself. 'Turned out it was a virus. That's all it was. If her parents had brought her in sooner or taken her to their own doctor a prescription would have be written and the kid sent home and that would have been an end to it.' As she spoke she wasn't looking directly at Kim, she was looking a little past her. Kim wanted to turn around to see if the memory was playing out behind her. Kerry looked like she wasn't recalling the memory from her mind but rather that she was narrating it as it played out in the distance.
Kim sat, not wanting to move, worried the smallest movement would stop the show that only Kerry could see.
'This child Kim, this small child was so grateful when we stopped the heaving. It took almost two weeks to get the virus under control. For a week she had to be fed intravenously. After a week, maybe it was a little over a week, we tried her on liquids. She puked all over me. Didn't take me too long to figure out to change into scrubs before visiting with her.' Kerry gave a small chuckle at the memory. Kim had some questions she wanted to ask but was still afraid the spell would be broken and Kerry's memory would shut down along with the movie that was playing.
'Stevie had this amazing smile.' Looking Kim in the eye, something that took Kim by surprise, 'Does she still have it?'
Caught of guard, she didn't expect Kerry to ask her something. Thinking to the first time she met the young woman in question. 'Yes Kerry, she has a lovely smile. It disappeared when she guessed I was a psychiatrist though.'
Kerry smiled. 'She's always been able to sense a psych doc at 10 paces.' Both women laughed.
'Can I ask something Kerry?'
'Of course Kim.'
'Were you treating her through her entire stay in hospital?'
'Yes.'
'Even after she was moved from the ER to the ward?'
'Yes.'
Kerry didn't offer anymore than a one word answer.
'Can I ask why?'
'The hospital was over run. There were no beds anywhere so she remained in the ER for a few days. When she was moved she wouldn't settle in the ward. Even after she was well enough to get out of bed and play with the other children she wouldn't. Around 4 maybe 5 times she appeared in the ER looking for me. Eventually it was clear she was fine with me treating her so that's what I did. Before my shift I'd go up to the ward and see her. Then she'd be transferred down to the ER so I could treat her during my shift.'
Kim arched her right eyebrow. Kerry saw and smiled.
'I know what you are thinking and it wasn't against the rules. This didn't happen at county. And anyway I'm not against bending the rules if it means my patient gets the help they need.'
Kim's left eyebrow raised to mimic it's partner. 'You Kerry, you bend the rules? MmmHmm. Since when?' Kim asked.
'I've done it loads of times.'
'Kerry you almost passed out when I help that AWOL soldier a few years back.'
'Kim you did more than break the rules you broke the law.' Kerry exclaimed. 'And don't exaggerate, I didn't almost pass out, I was calm and insisted you tell me no more.'
'Kerry you stuck your finger in your ear and almost sang at me not to tell you anymore. I'm not exaggerating.' Kim said with a smile.
Kerry returned the smile.
'There was a room that was always left unused during those weeks. I did a few night shifts, she still came down to the ER. One of the nurses who took care of her through the night said Stevie didn't sleep much. Those nights I did nightshift I found out what she meant. This child Kim, this little girl would sleep only minutes before waking, soaked with sweat and screaming like I have never heard a child scream.' Kerry broke of, her eyes still focused passed Kim, watching a scene from her memory play out. Her eyes were filled with terror. Kim had never seen Kerry so shaken. Even that night when she came to Kim's home, tears in her eyes, sorrow in her voice at the lost lives of the sweat shop victims.
'She had the most horrid dreams, Kim. Awful. So frightening she couldn't stay asleep longer than minutes at a time. Such innocence. Such pure innocence, tainted by...' She stopped herself. She would not break her word. Kerry had swore she would never tell and until Stevie said otherwise, that is how it would be.
'What are the nightmares about?' Kim asked. There was something that flashed over Kerry's face. Kim wasn't sure what it was. Kim wondered what it was. Her wondering was soon answered.
'So the nightmares came back then?' Kerry's voice had a hint of sorrow. Kim also detected Kerry wasn't as surprised as she maybe could have been.
'Yes.' Kim stated. 'How did you know?'
'You asked what the nightmares are about, not what they were about.'
'Right.' Kim gave herself a mental slap, such an amateurish mistake to make.
'The first time it happened I was finishing up in a trauma. The guy had a GSW, we were wheeling him to surgery when I heard screaming. Everyone froze. It was one of those screams that makes your blood run cold. I knew instantly it was her. I ran, well I can't really run but I went to her as fast as I was able. Another doctor had gone in before me. He had backed out and stood just outside the door when I got to him, he said he went in and Stevie screamed more and had jumped out of the bed. He took a step back. I looked in the room, the bed was empty. I went into the room and saw her huddled in the corner. She kept trying to cover her face with her arm as if that was going to stop her from being seen.' Kerry paused. Kim watched her. The scene continued on, Kerry's face frowned and for a second Kim thought Kerry was going to cry but keeping control she took a deep breath, let it out slowly and continued to narrate the story.
'I went over to her.' She looked Kim in the eye, 'Kim, I have done this job for more years than I can remember and never until that moment and never since have I ever seen anyone filled with so much fear and terror.' The tone in Kerry's voice sent a shiver through Kim. 'It took over half an hour for her to let me touch her. Finally when she was convinced it was me she let me hold her. I moved us so I could lean against the wall and stretch out my leg. We sat there all night. From time to time she'd fall asleep only to awaken and scream. I'd reassure her and eventually I didn't have to work so hard to convince her she was safe. Occasionally she would cry and hold onto me tight, it was like she was desperate to feel safe. I tried so hard to reassure her. I spent the rest of her stay in hospital with her at night. By the time she was due to go home she was sleeping with few interruptions.' Kerry smiled a little.
'When Stevie was brought in initially we had to examine her of course. There were marks on her body. Her parents explained them away and the other staff seemed happy with their explanation.' Kerry's voice had a ring of disapproval and scolding.
'You didn't believe them?' Kim asked, already aware of the answer.
'No. Not for a second. Kim, these people left their daughter, their only child, in pain, slowly getting worse for days before bringing her into the ER. Nothing they said could make me believe they didn't think it was more serious. They didn't bring her in before because the bruising that was disappearing would have been more prominent. They waited, risking her life because they didn't want us to see the bruising. If it was a "bike accident" they would have been in as soon as she fell ill.' Kerry held her hands up using her fingers to indicate quotation marks around bike accident.
'You thought her parents harmed her?'
'If not them then someone. The marks were not caused by any accident. There was no doubt they knew about the marks either. They knew. They made up a cock-and-bull story. I tried to get Stevie to talk to me but she couldn't. It wasn't that she wouldn't, the poor child couldn't. When I asked her she would look at me, her eyes pleading with me not to ask anymore but I would. She tried but lunge at me wrapping her little arms around my neck and hold onto me and cry. Silently, apart from the screaming she made very little sound. Her tears would soak my lab coat.' Kerry stopped talking. Tears filled her eyes. In a whisper so quiet Kim had to strain to hear Kerry added, 'It would have broken your heart Kim if you had been there. I know it broke mine.' With that Kerry broke down. Kim stood up intending to go around the desk and offer a shoulder to Kerry. Seeing this Kerry held up her hands, 'I'm fine Kim.' She stood herself and looked out the window turning her back to Kim.
Kim walked around the desk anyway. She placed a hand on Kerry's shoulder. Kerry didn't turn around. She hoped Kim knew her well enough to know the gesture was appreciated. Kim offered Kerry a tissue. Kerry turned enough to take it.
'At least you don't look like Alice freakin Cooper.' Kim said before both women burst into laughter. Kerry knew all her makeup was near off thanks to the last flow of tears but it was still funny just the thought, the memories they both shared.
'Thank you for the tissue.' Kerry said, now facing Kim.
'You are welcome Kerry.' She took the tissue from Kerry and dabbed her cheeks to soak up the remaining tears.
Kerry blushed a little at the closeness of it. This kind of intimacy she rarely shared with anyone who she wasn't involved with. Kim noticed and said nothing. She handed the tissue back to Kerry and wondered should she? Maybe not but then decided why not? Coming up with no reason she put her arms around Kerry and hugged her. Kim waited for Kerry to stiffen and resist but there was nothing that made her think it was a mistake. After a while Kerry pulled back. She didn't look Kim in the eye, she was blushing.
'Thank you.' Kerry said, so quietly Kim wasn't sure she had said it at all, had she imagined it?
Kim went back and sat down. Kerry turned away again, taking a second or two longer to make sure she was OK to go on without crying again.
Both women sat. Neither speaking. Neither looking at the other. Kim was looking at her pad. She didn't have much written down. She had been so captivated by Kerry and her narration of the memory only she was able to see.
Kim quickly jotted some things down. Kerry sat, her eyes not focused on anything in particular.
'There were so many warning signs that something was wrong with this child. Red flags went up all over the place. It was the third time in seven months Stevie had been brought into the ER, a quick check showed she'd been taken to several other ER's around the city, more than once to some of them and no one, not even on the day she was brought into us, thought there was anything strange with that. I was so angry Kim, I could have hit someone.' Kim could feel the rage in the small woman, who, when in the right or maybe that should be the wrong kind of mood, seemed larger than life. 'This child needed to be protected but instead she was let down. Not just the once or twice but over and over. No wonder it took so long for her to trust me. It took a long while for her to truly trust me. Even after she came to live with me it took an age for her to trust me. Completely trust me. She trusted me a little more everyday until there was no question, she knew she could rely on me with no fear of being punished to harshly or abused in anyway.' Kerry was back watching a distant memory. 'I loved that child like she was my own.' Kim could hear in Kerry's voice that there was no doubt about that.
Kerry shook her head. 'I've gotten off track a little. She needed to be kept away from her parents, at least until we knew if it was them who hurt her. They might have known who it was and for whatever reason did nothing to stop it. We had to find out.' Kerry stopped talking, Kim was looking at her but not in the way of someone listening. To Kerry it looked as though Kim was trying to figure something out but what? Kerry tried to figure out what was going through Kim's head.
Kim realized Kerry had stopped talking. Her mind focused. She looked at Kerry looking at her. She saw the unasked question. 'You keep saying "we" but what you really me is "I". Everyone knew this child needed help but you were the only one doing something to help her.'
'But I didn't help her.' She looked down. 'She was sent home with her mother and father.' Kerry's hands lay flat, palms down on her desk. They lay thumb to thumb. She looked at them. Kim wondered if she was seeing the memory play out there now or was she looking for answers? Maybe she was looking for the strength to go on.
'Was she brought back in?' Kim asked. She thought Stevie must have been, how else could she have ended up living with Kerry?
Kerry didn't look up only nodded to confirm Kim's suspicions.
'Were you in?'
Kerry shook her head no.
Kim knew, she could see, how hard this was on Kerry but she also need more from her. She decided not to push Kerry and as much as she wanted to.
'She was brought back in a total of 9 times before I took her.' Kerry said, normally, rather matteroffactly.
Kim was in shock. Her mouth hung open. Had she heard properly? Had Kerry taken the child from the hospital? No, she thought, that can't be right, can it?
Kerry looked up into Kim's wide eyes. She saw the disbelievement.
'We went on the run for almost 3 months. We were tracked down. Stevie's grandparents have money, lots of money and hired someone to find us. They told me to stay away from their granddaughter if I wanted to stay a free woman. It was a threat I took seriously but not one that stopped me from treating Stevie when she came in.' Kerry paused a moment. Then continued. 'Turns out Stevie had started to harm herself to be brought into the hospital so I could treat her. Falling from things, down things. At first I thought it was her parents but I soon figured it out and knew when she came in whether it was sell induced or at the hands of someone else. She also took to starting fights in school, when she went, so that she could be hurt and brought in. She always picked the bigger kids to fight with and although, I later found out, she was more than capable to protect herself she did very little to do so.'
Kim was still reeling from the news that Kerry had kidnaped a patient, she kept that one quiet all throughout their relationship.
'As time went on it got worse and worse. During that time with the help of the local authorities we got a case against Stevie's parents. Stevie also got to a point where she could talk about what was happening to her and that really was the key. Her parents were arrested but got off on a technicality. A bloody technicality Kim. Can you believe it?!' Kim knew it was a statement more than a question but nodded all the same. 'When Stevie was told she cried. She went through that damn court case for nothing. She started throwing up. She was shaking and was petrified. Her biggest fear was her parents getting off and her having to go back to them. They told her they would kill her if they ever told.' Kim was shocked at the rage in Kerry's voice and was a little scared. She knew Kerry wouldn't do anything but it was still enough to make her take note.
'With all the evidence gathered though we had a pretty good case to get Stevie taken away from her parents, I had a good lawyer, he managed to get me temporary custody of Stevie. After 18 months of her parents fighting to get her back, with the help of the grandparents who didn't believe or at least claimed not to know what was happening to Stevie, they lost. They were stupid enough to continue their treatment of her when they were finally allowed unsupervised visitation. I was officially allowed to fostered her and started the process to adopt her.' Kerry smiled. 'Everything was on track for several years. Stevie's school work improved greatly. She started to make friends, even sleeping over at friends houses. I was so amazed and unbelievably proud of her. She opened up to me more. I would tuck her in everynight. I would read to her. She loved that so much. After a while with me she found some of my stories. A few she should never have seen at that age. There were a few I'd written for children. After we'd gone through all of them I'd make up stories just for her. I'd go to her through the night when she'd have a nightmare, by the time she was staying over at friends houses the nightmares were all but gone. We had fun. We learned from each other.' Kerry abruptly stopped talking. Her smile faded. The mood changed greatly.
'Stevie's grandparents started to contact her. I allowed them to visit the house and sometimes would let them take her out. Stevie was reluctant at first but I thought it best she know her family. After a few months of this I received court papers telling me they were applying for full custody of her. They didn't have the decency to tell me face to face.' Kerry stopped again. She sighed. Kim knew how this story was going to end but was still eager to hear Kerry tell it. She could imagine Stevie as a child listening intently to Kerry's voice tell her stories.
'Long story short, there was a court case and I lost. Her grandparents were awarded full custody. Stevie was beside herself. When they came to pick her up she wouldn't let me go. They had to literally pry her of me. She was crying so hard. I was given visitation rights. One day every two weeks. Her grandparents, to my surprise, allowed her to stay over one weekend a month.' A small smiled crossed Kerry's face. 'You've met the grandparents, right?' Kerry asked out of nowhere.
Kim didn't answer straight away. She was, again, so tuned to listening to Kerry that she wasn't ready to answer questions. Her mouth took a second to catch up with her brain. 'Yes.'
'Unlucky you.' Kerry said. 'Don't get me wrong they are good people. Blind to what their child and her husband did to Stevie. But they did the wrong thing taking Stevie from me. They love her but I'm not sure they showed it. Not the way she needed. They took her because she was family and felt she should be raised by her blood family. What is it with people and thinking children need to be raised by people they are blood related to? Don't people know that children can turn out just fine as long as they are loved and raised properly?' Kim didn't answer. She knew Kerry wasn't just talking about Stevie but also her son Henry and herself and how well she turned out after being raised by people she wasn't blood related too.
'After a year or so of this arrangement I found out they had allowed Stevie's parents to visit her. Supervised at first but then they let them spend time alone with her. This went against the original court order when I was awarded custody which was carried over. Their behavior was good at first but they fell into the bad habits not long after it.' Kerry's anger was rising. 'We went back to court but the grandparents claimed they made a mistake, they genuinely thought the parents were making amends. Well, the judge believed them and allowed the current order to continue as long as the grandparents never let the parents have access to Stevie again.' Kerry's anger was replaced by defeat.
'Well, another year passed. I went to pick Stevie up to stay with me and she wasn't there. Her grandparents weren't there. The help was there. Is that the PC way to refer to them? Anyway, Annie, she's been with the family for years, she couldn't look me in the eye. I had gotten to know her well. She kept an eye on Stevie for me. She never told the grandparents of course, they would have been furious, seen it as some kind of betrayal. We would meet once or twice a week and talk about Stevie. On the day I went to get Stevie she told me they were gone. Stevie is American, born here like her father but her mother and grandparents are British. They took Stevie back to Britain. Annie and her husband, Lionel, they were closing the house down and joining them within the week.' Annie said she wanted to tell me but they announced it that morning. There was no time. I believed her. I've always wondered if the grandmother found out about our meetings. I'll never know without landing Annie in it.' Kerry was angry, her hands balled into fists but she kept it contained.
'I didn't let them take Stevie out the country stop me seeing her. I got a court order insisting they bring her back. There was some legal wrangling but in the end they had to bring her back. They broke the court order by taking her without giving me notice that I wouldn't have her on my court appointed days. They were pissed to say the least. Unfortunately they had full custody and I only access. They were given permission to move back to Britain with her but I was to be allowed to have access still. I was to have two weeks during the summer holidays and 3 days in December. I would take my holidays to coincide with British school holidays and fly to Britain to be with her. I'd bring her home, back here for a week, that's all they would allow. I was surprised they let me to be honest. She would catch up with friends. I'd take her back and spend a week over there with her. I'd go over there a week before Christmas and spend the weekend with her. We'd have an early Christmas dinner and presents and everything. I'd bring her gifts from her friends who wrote her everyweek, then I'd take her gifts to them back home.' Kerry's voice was distant.
Kim was enchanted with how far she went to look after this child and keep in contact with her. After all she wasn't related to her. What was it about this one patient that made Kerry go so far out on a limb?
'After another couple of years of this, Stevie was growing up and everything seemed to be fine. Her schooling was going well, she'd be studying for exams soon and it really was all good. One summer I arrived and there was no sign of them. Annie and Lionel were gone too. I had no idea what happened to them. I spent god knows how much money looking for them but to no avail. I followed them through there business but they were never in the office here or in Britain. They took unofficial leave or something. I never heard from them again. I often wondered what happened to Stevie. I had hoped she had gotten on well. I had hoped they loved her and guided her...' Kerry broke off, she was in pain. She sat, Kim thought that she looked small. She wanted to go round the table and take Kerry in her arms. She knew, in part at least, what being separated from Kerry had done to Stevie but she was just now getting a hint at what it had done to Kerry.
Had Stevie's removal from her custody been the reason Kerry had thrown herself into her work? She had sometimes seemed distant, even during their most intimate times. Had that been the reason? Somewhere at the back of her mind she expected Kim to leave? Had her husband left? Kerry never spoke of it, Kim asked who left who but Kerry changed the subject. For all the answers she was getting in relation to Stevie she was getting 5 new ones and double that about Kerry. She would never have thought Kerry would kidnap anyone, no matter the reason. She risked her job, her career, her status everything if she had been caught. She went further out on a limb than she ever knew Kerry to do so for this child. She was seeing a whole new side to this woman. This woman who sits in front of her. Her exlove, always proud, sitting over from her, near tears broken from a memory. It was at this moment that Kim looked at Kerry and saw how she must have been when she knew she was never going to see Stevie again. If this is how Kerry is now after all these years what must she have been like at the moment, the very second Kerry admitted to herself that Stevie wouldn't be back. How long had she fought the truth? How long was she in denial? How many sleepless night did she have?
Kim leaned forward placing one of her hands on top of Kerry's which was lying flat on the desk again. Kerry's eyes teared up, the small gesture from Kim pushed her over. Kim rose quickly and rounded the table to take Kerry in her arms. Kerry gave no protest and fell into Kim's arms. She let go. All the years she had never mentioned Stevie, all the sleepless nights worrying where she was. The very hour her son was born she swore his life would be happy, safe and loved. He would always know love. She gave a silent prayer the day her son arrived, of thanks for his life, for Sandy coming through childbirth safely and also that Stevie was happy, wherever she was in the world and was loved.
The tears were never ending and Kim felt every sob, shiver and shake and felt the release Kerry needed.