Jokes

C.T.I.
Crazy Things Incorporated Jokes

Jokes
All jokes from AhaJokes.com
We thank them for the laughter they have given us.

Yo mama's so fat...
-when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up
-she eats Wheat Thicks.
-she went to the movies and sat next to everyone
-she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for then new world
-when she has wants someone to shake her hand, she has to give directions!
-she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller
-the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn"
-she fell in love and broke it.
-when she gets on the scale it says "To be continued."
-she's got her own area code!
-I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the her good side!
-she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of george washington's nose.
-when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!!!
-she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!
-her senior pictures had to be arial views!
-she's on both sides of the family!
-she got hit by a parked car!
-she has to buy two airline tickets.
-when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again.
-when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.
-she stands in two time zones.
-when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.
-when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?"

Yo mama's so stupid...
-it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes
-when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon
-she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind
-she got locked in a grocery store and starved!
-she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!
-she could trip over a cordless phone!
-she sold her car for gasoline money!
-she bought a solar-powered flashlight!
-when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put "O.K."
-she got stabbed in a shoot out.
-she stole free bread.
-she makes Beavis and Butt-Head look like Nobel Prize winners.
-she asked you "What is the number for 911"
-she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
-she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.

Yo mama's so ugly...
-when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."
-she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.
-when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras
-she made an onion cry.
-even Rice Krispies won't talk to her!
-for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone!
-she turned Medusa to stone!
-she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween!
-the government moved Halloween to her birthday!
-people go as her for Halloween.
-your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

Police Jokes
The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.
20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?
17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
14. Bad cop. No donut.
13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?
12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?
10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
9. I pay your salary
8. So uh, you on the take or what?
7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.
6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.
4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.
3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

A really funny story:
The following supposedly a true story.
This guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21."
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give the scotch to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off of the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

Funny Bumper stickers (They actually sound like some of Ted's Quotes)
I love animals, they taste great.

EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

If you are psychic - think "HONK"

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!

Don't get me mad! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies!

You are depriving some poor village of its idiot!

Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

All men are idiots....I married their king.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.

Funny Answering Machine Messages
You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...

Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll... don't even think about it!... Don't...!

Hello, it's obvious you have bad timing, because nobody is home. Please leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message in a voice similar to mine, and your call will be returned as soon as humanly possible.

Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm so depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep. Here comes the beep, how I hate that beep, it's so cheery sounding.

Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

Thank you for calling (Blanked). If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.

Sorry, Chris and Susan aren't here right now. Please leave your name and number after the tone. If you are calling regarding an outstanding debt, please leave your message before the tone.

Hi, we're not answering the phone right now. Don't leave a message please because we know that you're a salesman. THATS THE ONLY CALLS WE GET! WE ARE SICK AND TIRED OF YOU STUPID SALESPEOPLE THAT KEEP BOTHERING US ABOUT SOME LOUSY PRODUCT THAT USUALLY DOESN'T WORK. SO JUST LEAVE US ALONE AND GO BUG SOMEONE ELSE!
*BEEP*
Hello, I'm from TimeWarner Cable and we have a great deal...

Funny Ads
Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

We build bodies that last a lifetime.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country. (All of them are just a play of words, but they're really funny)

Include your Children when Baking Cookies

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Shot Off Woman's leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work After Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

Air Head Fired

Steals Clock, Faces Time

Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

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