| 80. I'd rather be rich than stupid. 81. If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did." 82. If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He like enchiladas, because that's what He's getting! 83. If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now. 84. If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control. 85. If I had a mineshaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way. 86. If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart- aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink. 87. If life gives you a bowl of lemons, go find an annoying guy with paper cuts. Make it worthwhile! 88. If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted. 89. If there was a big gardening convention, and you got up and gave a speech in favor of fast-motion gardening, I bet you would get booed right off the stage. They're just not ready. 90. If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something. 91. If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. 92. If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward. 93. If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic. 94. If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone. 95. If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy. 96. If you ever feel like you're on the verge of a nervous breakdown, just follow these simple rules: First, calm down; second, come over and wash my car; third, shine all my shoes. There, isn't that better? 97. If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised. 98. If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose. 99. If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we BUILD to that. 100. If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen." 101. If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming. 102. If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not. 103. If you lived in the Dark Ages, and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, 'Can't you make it shoot any farther?' No. I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots. 104. If you lose your job, your marriage and your mind all in one week, try to lose your mind first, because then the other stuff won't matter that much. 105. If you make ships in a bottle, I bet the thing that really makes your heart sink is when you look in, and there at the wheel is Captain Termite. 106. If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. It's Hambone. 107. If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive you up a wall. 108. If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me." 109. If you were an ancient barbarian, I bet a real embarrassing thing would be if you were sacking Rome and your cape got caught on something and you couldn't get it unhooked, and you had to ask another barbarian to unhook it for you. 110. If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind people and pinching them is probably a joke that gets old real fast. 111. If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands, don't let him just play it once or twice and then throw it away. Make him practice on it, every day, for about three hours a day. Later, he'll thank you. 112. If you're a blacksmith, probably the proudest day of your life is when you get your first anvil. How innocent you are, little blacksmith. 113. If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away. 114. If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!" 115. If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you. 116. If you're an ant, and you're walking along across the top of a cup of pudding, you probably have no idea that the only thing between you and disaster is the strength of that pudding skin. 117. If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them. 118. If you're like me, you probably blame a lot of things on rubber bands. If there's bad news in the newspaper, you blame it on the rubber band which kept it rolled up. Or if you get your bank statement, and there's less money in your account than you thought you had, you blame it on the rubber band that hold the statement and the checks together. Why do we do that? 119. If you're robbing a bank, and your pants suddenly fall down, I think it's okay to laugh, and to let the hostages laugh too, because come on, life is funny. |
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