| 120. If you're traveling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob, I don't think it's going to affect things one way or the other. But here's the point I'm trying to make: Corn on the cob is good, isn't it? 121. In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you. 122. Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window. 123. Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should call them "impression," and if you get a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers? 124. Instead of mousetraps, what about baby traps? Not to harm the babies, but just to hold them down until they can be removed? 125. Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point. 126. Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have. 127. Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk. 128. Isn't it funny how we'll look out the window at the moon, and then we notice it's not the moon but a streetlight? Also what's funny is how we do this every night. 129. It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak. 130. It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. 131. It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money. 132. It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the World of the Invisible Scary Skeletons. 133. It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating. 134. It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel gets set on fire. 135. Just because swans mate for life, I don't think it's that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life? 136. Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like. 137. Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool; one that needs a direct hit from a big rock half-buried in the ground. You pull and you pull, but you can't get the rock out of the ground. So you give it a good kick, but you lose your balance and go skidding down the hill toward the pool. Then out comes a big Hawaiian man who was screwing his wife beside the pool because they thought it was real pretty. He tells you to get out of there, but you start faking it, like you're talking Hawaiian, and then he gets mad and chases you... 138. Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail. 139. Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot. 140. Many people don't realize that playing dead can help not only with bears, but also at important business meetings. 141. Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull? 142. Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Mankind. Basically, it's made up of two separate words---"mank" and "ind". What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind. 143. Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer. 144. Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He started telling his story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though. 145. One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me. 146. One of the worst things you can do as an actor, I think, is to forget your lines, and then get so flustered you start stabbing the other actors. 147. One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse. 148. One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late. 149. One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake. 150. People just naturally assume that dogs would be incapable of working together on some sort of construction project. But what about just a big field full of holes? 151. Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick. 152. Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared. 153. Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you. 154. Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then, on the way out, slam the door. 155. Sometimes I think, 'Wouldn't it be nice if the whole world could just live together in peace?" But then I think, 'Well, that really wouldn't be fair to professional wrestlers, would it?' 156. Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who hears me, because I am beautiful. 157. Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done. 158. Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname 'Fly Head.' Normally you would think that 'fly Head' would mean a person who has beautiful swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean 'having a head like a fly'? I'm afraid some people might actually think that. 159. Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilizations out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain---unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt. |
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