Part 4previous | next
I sit on the couch patiently as my psychiatrist scribbles down on her little notepad. I clear my throat.“Excuse me, ma’am?”
“Ashley. Call me Ashley.”
“Ashley…everything that is said in here stays completely confidential right?”
“Yes Britney. May I call you Britney?”
“That’s fine.” I sighed and began to pat my legs.
“So Britney, what brings you here?”
“My mother says I need help sort to speak, so she scheduled an appointment for me.”
“I see…help for what?”
“Help to control my ‘wild ways’.” I said, making the quotation marks with my fingers.
“Well you seem to be perfectly fine.” she paused and looked at me. “But why don’t we start with how you feel right now. Ok?”
I nodded. “I’ve been…under a lot of stress lately. With my album being released, promotions…I’m just overwhelmed.”
“So overwhelmed you got married?”
I stare at her blankly and she puts her hand up in defense.
“I wasn’t trying to be rude or anything, I was just asking.”
I sighed and nodded.
“Was there something behind your marriage?”
“Of course”
“So it wasn’t just some joke taken too far?”
“No.”
“Then what is it?”
I remained quiet and crossed my legs.
“Britney, I’m not trying to push your buttons…I just want you to remember that everything said in here, stays in here.”
I take a deep breath and rub my face with my hands. “I’m…alone. As hard as it may seem to even think that about me, I am.” I paused and uncrossed my legs. “I took up smoking and start to heavily drink…”
“When did all this start?” she asks as she writes on her pad. I look away from her, focusing on the leg of a coffee table.
“Since the breakup?”
My eyes dart to hers and she nods.
“I see.” She paused. “There seems to be a chain of events after that. The partying, the smoking, different men…”
“What are you implying? That I’m doing this because of Justin?”
She just looks at me.
“No, you couldn’t be farther from the truth.”
“Really? Why don’t you tell me then.”
“Fine. You want the truth? Then yes. All this is because of Justin. Because of what happened and what he did to me afterwards.”
“So would you say you’re bitter?”
“No, I’m not bitter.” I snap. She raises her eyebrow.
“I’m angry and upset…with myself.”
“Yourself? Why is that?”
“Because I’m the one who was insecure, I’m the one who lost his trust, I’m the one who distanced away from the relationship…”
“You were the one who cheated?” she said, more as a statement that a question. I stop and glare at her.
“I’m just going by what I’ve heard.”
I bite my bottom lip to keep from screaming. “I’m not technically saying he’s wrong, but I’m not technically saying he’s right either. Let’s just leave it at that.”
“That’s fine.” She paused and put her pad down. “I’m not passing judgment on Britney. I’m just trying to help.”
“I know.”
“Have you talked to him lately?”
“Yes.”
“How long ago?”
“When the news of my marriage leaked.”
“How did that go?”
“Just like every call I got that day.” I rolled my eyes. “I got yelled at.”