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  Whoa, two new people asking for advice!  What are the chances?!?

Dearest Jon,
     Who is this Kirsten, and why is she so crazy?  She must be pretty cool.  Hook me up!
                   -Just Wondering

Dear Jon,
    This really good friend of mine keeps writing songs about me.  Now I know they're all in good fun, but the message in everyone of them is that I'm a homosexual!  I mean seriously can you believe that?  In any case please tell me how I can approach the matter.  Thank You.
                  -Anonymous

   Yes, "Just Wondering", Kirsten is quite the crazy one.  Why you ask?  Well for several reasons.  First off, she's from Hawaii...need I say more?  Secondly, she's a dancer/guitar player/surfer...need I say more?  Thirdly, she's from Hawaii.  So there you have it.  I would introduce you to her but unfortunately I have (cough cough) no idea who you are.  Therefore you'll have to track her down yourself.  I actually wrote a song about Kirsten.  You can hear it in the Multimedia Section. 

  Well Anonymous, you're in quite the predicament.  It seems you are completely screwed.  Telling you friend to stop making these songs about you would only result in more songs.  Sorry that I can't help you.  (Note to everyone else: Check in for another version of "Jordan is Gay" Soon!  It's in the Multimedia Section!)

Dear Jon,
   I need advice your so cool

Hi Johnny, like I needz 2 know somethin.  Are you lookin' for a man cuz I'm here to please baby.  Oh yeah, I've seen your pictures, you're a stud muffin, and I'm gonna make you mine.  Do you want me sexy or are you too girly?
                         ----Enrique-----

Jon responds: 
   Well friend, it looks like you need a few lessons in english.  First off, what you have written here is pure crap.  Secondly, what you have written has no period, and cannot even be considered a sentence.  Thirdly, you never actually stated what you need advice about.  Fourthly, what you have written here is pure crap.  Fifthly, yes I am cool, though that hardly seems relavent in an urgent situation such as yours..  And lastly, you didn't sign your letter with anything.  For all you future advice-mailers, be sure to end with some sort of name ( Like  "Confused in California" or something like that.  You know what I'm talking about)

Jon responds:
   ...Hmm.  Well Enrique, I'm sorry but you're not my type.  I don't...uhhh...swing that way?  You dig?  However, I have got the coolest friend who would go perfectly with you!  His name is Alan Patac, and he's the gayest thing since Richard Simmons.  I'm sure you two would make a lovely couple.  No need to thank me now.  Oh and by the way...never call me girly, it hurts when you say things like that....

Dear Jon-
   What is the best way to promote my dorky, useless self image?
                            -Lonely at Loch Raven

  Hey, I'm having a @#$! load of trouble right now.  My cousin is in from outta town, and she wants to go out and see Baltimore and all the other touristy places here, but I've seen them all a million times.  My friend Claire isn't going to my school next year, and she wants to spend this weekend at the pool n stuff.  Jess can't swim, and I hardly see her except for a few times a year.  But I won't see Claire that much at all next year...

                                 -Nina- 

Jon Responds:
   Well Lonely, it seems like you're in a real predicament.  First off, you need to set your priorities.  What's most important to you?  Is it something like looking cool?  Or being popular?  If your number one priority is something similar to these, then I suggest you get rid of it.  You should not base how you feel about yourself on how others think of you (though I'll admit that if is a very easy thing to do).  A good way to build your self-esteem would be to focus on some things you do well, (Skills, talents, hobbies, etc.) and to associate with people who have similar interests.   Find friends who don't like you because of what you do, but like you because of who you are (of course friends like that aren't a dime a dozen).  Another suggestion I'll offer is to check out church.  I know you're thinking "Church!?!?  Church is for Jesus Freaks, and is soooo boring and dull!", but my Church has changed my life.  I'm not gonna go all religious on you, but church really makes you feel like you're worth something, in a world that says you're not.  That's just food for though, I'll go into my personal beliefs more thoroughly in another section.  So Lonely, I hope you've gotten some piece of worthwhile information out of this long and rambling response.  Good luck.  (Note from Jon: Yes, I know this question was a joke, but I figured I'd put at least one serious thing in the site)
,

Jon responds:  
   Ok first off, unfortunately the weekend you are referring to has passed, and I suspect this advice will be of little use.  However, I will post this anyway, seeing as how you took the time to write in.  First off, I'm going to assume that "Jess" is your cousin.  (You never actually say that in the letter, you just mention Jess out of nowhere).  So basically the problem is whether to spend the weekend with Jess, or with Claire.  Even though Claire isn't going to your school next year, I would have to say that you go with Jess.  Afterall, she is family, and considering you never get to see her you should try and spend some time with her.  Regarding Claire, you've still got all summer to spend with Claire (not to mention the rest of the schoo lyear) and at least she's in the area so you'll be able to see her on weekends.  I hope this helps in the future.   :O)

Are you stupid, bored, stupid, or just looking for advice?  Then e-mail me, Jon Ulrich, and I'll do my BEST to help you out!...
E-mail CptCoolmo

Any comments or suggestions can be be directed here...Thanks