Pg.3

It was October, 1999 when I relocated out of state to where I have remained to date. The decision to do so has turned out to be the biggest mistake of my life. I will always regret it because there was nothing here for me then and there is nothing here for me now. Life has been most unpleasant and unhealthy personally and otherwise at its very best. Had I possessed the ability to leave here, I would have been gone years ago from this sick seedy deficient crime infested piece of dirt in the USA. While my marriage was destined to end I think my choice to leave my home state was not a good one. Time tells you the story and hind sight is always 20-20. For some people, moving far away would work for them. I think I could have grown in healthier ways had I remained near more familiar ground. Hopefully when we make these life decisions, we then can make the best of things. I have. Fortunately I am a survivor.

Ok. So........Once relocated a relationship began. My significant other is also Gender Dysphoric and one would think there would be a protective nature there. I have yet to see it. When I tried to get my nursing license renewed and transferred to the new state where I was living I ask for help from my significant other. Even begged. I was ignored and because I had absolutely no financial resources I lost everything I worked so hard to attain; my career. Now my, family, friends and career all gone. I have never felt more alone in my life these past 7 years. When I asked for help through family and friends no one wanted to get involved and refused me. Social Services wanted to take my 30 year retirement in return for help. I spoke with the office of retirement who said, "Lady you have too much money vested to allow that. Don't you dare do that". I was trapped. It is all too painful to cope with especially when you love someone who isn't supportive of you; one who should be more compassionate by virtue of their gender disorder alone; who expected and received support, protection and compassion from me. Lies hurt..

The only thing worse than a liar is a liar that's also a hypocrite!
by, Tennessee Williams

Life aint perfect and I most certainly have failings as well. However I do not wish to be lied to by one who professes to love me so much...and likewise.

When I applied for low paying jobs as in hospitality (hotels) my references from my previous job at the hospital were checked by perspective employers (who were told I was a boy) and I was denied employment.  One job interviewer even said to my face, "Well you look like a female". I wasn't quick enough to say there is a reason for that....I AM ! One of those times to prove a point one has a fleeting thought of wanting to step out of character and disrobe to prove yourself and be deemed appropriate. Of course I did not do that. Still can't believe the in-your-face type ignorance.

The medical care here in this state is archaic and reeks of prejudice and discrimination. During a gallbladder attack I went to a hospital for treatment. Not only was I not treated, every staff person on duty popped their head in to my exam area to gawk at me under the pretence of inquiry as to my needs.  I soon was on my way home no better than when I arrived. This state has no laws protecting the Profoundly Gender Dysphoric be they pre-op or post-op....or just transgendered period. One does need health care so I made an appointment at a women's clinic. My first visit went well and I was seen by a part time fill in physician. Though apprehensive, she accepted me and said she would see me as her patient whenever I needed providing she was scheduled at the clinic. When time came for medication update, I made my appointment and arrived on time. I was called back to the exam room where the nurse performed the usual duties and I then waited for the doctor. To my surprise the director of the clinic entered the room and after that we reviewed my medication.  Because I was on meds prescribed by an M.D. for anxiety she grouped me in with drug addicts and refused to treat. Then we discussed the antidepressant meds prescribed by an M.D. for depression and she refused to treat. Following discussion about my HRT she again refused to treat and offered no alternatives. I showed her all my current medication bottles with dates. She was fully aware of my history and the harm caused by not staying on my routine medication regime. I informed her of this and she still refused treatment. So I thought time to go now and she stood up to block the door (reason not known) and she then informed me I could not come to her clinic again and not to return for treatment. At first I chalked it up to her foreign heritage and poor English. NOPE. Just very un-American. I was literally thrown out of the clinic. Not very Christian is it. I did make a formal complaint against the doctor with the hospital administrator affiliated with the clinic and anyone else who would listen. Speaking with the ACLU was an under-whelming experience as the staff there was rude and unaccommodating to say the least. Over the next month I spent hours on the telephone with dozens of attorneys in my area. Even in view of my contact with people in the gender community who said indeed my experience was borderline malpractice if not true malpractice, the attorneys I spoke with ran like rabbits. The gender community really disappointed me as well. It was a great opportunity to push for better laws for medical care for the transgendered community. They not only failed me but all transgenders.

Just when we think maybe life is going to smooth out for a while, in comes another challenge (they make us stronger you know). My significant other got custody of his two extremely out of control teenage kids from their alleged to be gun toting previously diagnosed and hospitalized paranoid schizophrenic former wife. I bring this up because it was the courts ignorant wisdom which deemed it was inappropriate for the kids to reside with their transsexual father and awarded custody to the out of control mother who had significant mental health issues (the former wife's mental health history was lengthy with evidence of dangerous behaviors to include guns). The kids father had never once demonstrated any gender variant behavior in front of them. My life mate tried to put me in a position of authority with these kids. Ask any psychiatrist or therapist, and they will tell you it is a lose / lose situation; it was and I am paying for it to this very day. The mother also called me to say her former husband (my significant other) and she wanted to remarry with the kids blessing and I should plan to move out. This from the woman who took her former transsexual husband to court and used it against him to get custody of the kids...Wow Wee. Because of what was going on in the home at the time I believed it to be so. In the end a victim of the revolving door mental heath system, the kids mother then living out of state put a gun to her head and died. Sad! There is more to that entire situation but not purposeful enough to relate here. As for me, the kids father never allowed himself to fall from grace in his kids eyes but rather continuously played me as the heavy and the patsy. It has ruined any form of a family type development. I also find it difficult to be associated and build bridges with those who have this entitlement syndrome of today. However, the boy is doing pretty good in college and trying to make something good out of life. I give him a lot of credit. He sees things just as they really are and understands our great efforts to instill in him integrity and character qualities.
"WRONG"! He has now quit school and is now working and in to substance I hear.  The daughter, (much like her mother was) seems troubled. We hear from her mostly when she wants something and comes across as manipulative, conning, deceptive but perhaps it is only her illusive secretive demeanor and nature. Again...my point of view.  WRONG! She has now turned her life around rather well working her behind off, bought a house and maturing. When the kids hurts their dad it is an emotional time for me and difficult to mind my business. As I see it, kids are great; yau gotta love'em and I do....But you do not have to like them or what they choose to do especially if it is disruptive, hurtful to your life and especially when forced up on you through any form of misleading behavior.

Note: individuals living with schizophrenia can  have healthy productive lives
and be good parents providing they stay in therapy and on their medication. Historically the kids mother frequently went off her medications, alleged to
not be in therapy and with each break she became more of a threat to others.

Trust me, after two very dysfunctional situations there will be no more love
relationship for this lady. Alone is better than batter no matter who's doing it be it physical, verbal, emotional or through deceit.

I contacted my sister a couple times over the years now. My hope was to see her again. I always called her and there were a few emails but then there were the unending excuses (work, church, neighborhood groups, weather and well you get the picture). I knew I would never see her again. Recently I discovered via the computer my youngest nephew was killed in an accident a year ago. After I got a grip on my feelings and tears I immediately called my sister. I can not imagine her grief but I sort of understand the loss aspect. Think I will leave it right here as nothing else need be said. As far as my nephew, I think of him daily and tears come unexpectedly for all I missed and that which will be missed.

The photo on my homepage was taken of me early 2008. It all started out fairly well but with failing health (cardiac and respiratory). With the medical community the way it is I continue to seek treatment by people in health care in my area who practice their craft without prejudice and discrimination. Life is anything but fulfilling at this point but I withstood all that has been handed me and you can too. Many people have gone before me and after me with great success and now experience wonderful lives. Am I a success story? I do believe I am. Odds were against me many times. You just have to pick yourself up and keep on toward your goals in life no matter what they may be. As I said before, your experience is of your experience of your experience and so on. At the end of the day you have to look at life and remember it isn't how good your cards are but how well you play the ones you've been dealt. I made some beautiful memories in spite of life ups and downs.  I have also aided others in their journey where possible. If I don't know something, I say so and then it is up to you. From the very beginning of my transition I passed very well in public. I never had a moments problem until I relocated and then it was only the medical community which has had difficulty with me after learning my history. It has been inspiring to go out in public anywhere I wish to go and be well accepted in the community as the female I am. I do not hide. But few know my history. Guess they will now. However the couple times I have been approached it was in a Gay bar. I'm not perfect. All the while I have been composing this bio, it has been our young kids born with gender dysphoria I am most concerned about.  We just hope we learn along the way; others learn as awareness replaces ignorance. Well hold on here. No time to quit now. I am not done yet. I might miss out on something important and I can't have that.

Finally.  Possibly a sufferer of P.T.S.D. or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, with therapy I know my gender dysphoria and reassignment did not cause it but very clearly fixed part of me but not all of me. More work to be done to clarify diagnosis. A person wrote in an email to me, "Never pray for an easy life. Pray for strength". And so goes the healing one step / day at a time. It is all about survival. My Profound Gender Dysphoria has little or nothing to do with P.T.S.D. Rather the verbal, emotional, physical, sexual abuse, terror and abandonment gave way to this type of diagnosis. The various forms of severe trauma began when I started school  with periods of re-occurrences throughout my life (I knew about my gender disorder prior to school though I had no name for it). People can be mean and often are. Completing my much needed gender reassignment was the best thing for me and made me stronger. Without it I doubt dealing with all the rest would have been humanly possible and I would not be typing away at my PC today. I kept telling doctors and therapists I knew I was more than just depressed. Like many others before me I may have been misdiagnosed with you-name-it and still trying to heal.

This is how I remember it. 
Was it worth it, you ask. Then I ask you, when going to bed tonight think
about how confident you are in knowing you are male or female.
Then imagine waking in the morning still knowing you are that male or female;
you discover you have the wrong parts.
 Try living with that feeling.
What would you do to resolve your dilemma and future? 
Would you allow the world to define who you are?
I didn't.
I would not change anything. If faced with this same issue
right now needing GRS surgery, I would not hesitate to have it.
The majority of what I have written is about the drama and adversity
I experienced in life. Please understand, between the bad was much good.
Forgive, be positive and look to the future.
 I think life's a real grin.
I am so glad I made the journey.

UPDATES:  
January 02, 2008....sis called. WOW.......surprised and pleased. It is the first time she has called me in 12 years.
February 14, 2008....received a dozen Roses  Valentines Day.  Nice ! ! !
March 08, 2008...have called sis a few times. She always cuts the call short. I invited her for lunch or supper on the weekend and that includes my driving for hours to get to where she lives. So far there has been no reply. A few days later I text messaged her. No reply. Not very Christian...is it !

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