(written on April 5th 1999)

When I was only 10, I used to pray for a day to come, when I'd be rescued somehow, someway, carried away from the world.  But I was afraid of who could rescue me, so I imagined angels coming down to show me how to fly...

When I was 13, I wanted to be rescued by some attractive boy (I had so many crushes back then, I probably didn't even care which one of them) who would take me on some magic carpet ride.  I think the movie Aladdin must have come out around when I was 10 because I remember thinking back to that time, remembering the movie.  But, once again, I was also afraid of who could rescue me.  I was afraid of my being attracted to anyone (perceiving it as a weakness).  I wanted just to fly away and be alone.  But, if I wanted to be alone, then why did I want to be around boys?  Why did I want to be rescued?

That was before I was really afraid of myself.  I was afraid of being hurt.  I felt weak and helpless, like I couldn't even defend myself.  I looked back on my life and saw a little coward who was hurt and abused because he couldn't do anything for himself.  I felt worthless.  I felt unloved, but I felt like I didn't need love.  Yet, inside, I knew I did, so, still I longed...

I've had dreams where I've been able to fly for as long as I can remember.  I remember when I was only around 5 years old, that in my dreams I had to get a running start in order to fly.  By 13, though, I could just float off the ground with ease most of the time.  Though, there were still some times between 10 and 13 when I had trouble flying without getting a running start.  I felt like I needed the independence and freedom of flight, yet I felt so dependent on others.  Being an only child, I was spoiled to the point that would make most children into a brat.  Also, being the only grandchild to have blond hair and blue eyes (for about 9 years anyway, when one of my cousin was born), I was showed off to relatives and friends and always told how cute I looked.  I thought that the attention meant that everyone loved me.  Because of events in my life, I developed a very distorted view of what love really was.  If I had truly been loved by everyone and never hurt, I probably would have had a better understanding of what love was, but I honestly think that I would have turned out to be a real brat too.

Although I received a lot of attention, I was also alone a lot.  I had to learn to depend on myself, but I didn't know how.  I trusted people too easily and I was hurt because of it.  People would say they loved me and then betray me, so I began to associate love with pain.  Still, inside, I knew that wasn't really what love was.  Still, I began to question if my parents loved me.  I thought that if they really loved me, they might hurt me.  This whole distorted view of love left me feeling confused and alone.  I felt unloved, but, not knowing what love really was, I felt like I didn't need love.  Still, because deep inside me was buried the heart of a child, I was driven to seek love.

I knew I was attracted to boys, but I also knew I wanted to be a young boy again with that exact same passion and yearning.  I wanted to somehow recapture the innocence of childhood that I lost.  But I also wanted to gain strength that I never had.  I wanted to be strong, yet not someone I could fear.  I wanted to be gentle, but not someone who was weak.  I needed a subtle balance that made a teenage boy not a child but not a man.  Yet, I was always told that I looked younger than I actually was, so I felt a need to stay a young child, to be loved as I was, even if I didn't know what love was.  So, I wanted both to be and to be around boys my age and younger.  I wanted to be around them, if only to somehow see the world through their eyes.  I wanted the innocence of a child and yet the wisdom that I already had.  I didn't want to be a child only to be hurt again.  I wanted the joys of childhood.  I wanted friendship and I wanted love.  So, I wanted to be with what I wanted to be.

I sought in vain for what I knew I could never have.  No, not because of society's values, but because I knew I was too afraid of my attractions to ever be happy with them.  So, even though I was attracted to boys in a hormonal way, I knew I could never be anything more than friends with them.  And, once I realized what love is, I knew that was all I ever really wanted.  I wanted a friend who I could trust and love without fear and who I could let love me without me being afraid of what he might do.  I needed to regain more than just the innocence that was taken from me.  I also needed to regain the friendship that was taken away from me as well.

Today, I know what love really is.  I know that God is Love and that, even when I turned my back on Him, He still loved me.  Even when I didn't know what love was, I was loved.  The circumstances of my life (including my attraction to boys), are not the random fates that I once thought them to be.  Everything has a plan and a purpose.  All along, I was looking for someone to rescue me, but I knew I couldn't be rescued by some cute boy in a t-shirt and shorts.  I had to be rescued by Love.  All I ever needed was love and all I ever needed to see was that Love was there all along.  In the end, it was Love that rescued me, not a boy I was attracted to and not even myself.  And I know that one day I will learn how to fly...