written on Thursday April 10th, 1999

In children's cartoons and even adult movies, there are the good guys and there are the bad guys.  Over and over, the clash of darkness and light is played out.  It's the hero versus the villain.  One side is all good, the other all bad.  The line seems so clear in the movies, but is it in real life?

How do you know who you can trust?  Can you tell "bad people" from "good people"?  Do you give them the benefit of the doubt or do you not trust anyone and play it safe?

There once was a very young boy who loved his grandmother very much and his grandmother loved him very much.  He was her first and, for a long time, only grandchild.  She would gladly give up the world for him, but it wasn't always that simple.

She was a smoker and an alcoholic, but she had faith in mind over matter and tried quitting both cold turkey.  There were days when she felt like she could do it, but there were days when she gave into temptation.  Yet, as she looked into the big blue eyes of her grandson, full of curiosity and wonder, she remembered again why she was doing this and she found the strength to go another day.

One night, while she was watching her grandson for his ever-busy parents, she had a male friend over.  The boy was too young to know fear or to understand why his grandmother gave into drinking.  Both of the adults drunk, they gave the boy some vodka, which didn't stay in his delicate stomach for more than a moment.  They laughed, joked, and the night became a blur for everyone.

Years later, the boy's grandmother lay asleep in her chair.  The young boy tried to say goodnight to her, but he couldn't wake her up, no matter how hard he tried.  As he started to cry, he remembered that night, long ago.  Everyone assumed he was too young and he would forget about everything he had seen.  They were right for the most part, but bits and pieces of it still remained and he wondered who was the villain and who was the victim.  Was it the man for taking advantage of his grandmother?  What about his grandmother?  She poured the drink and she, the one who was supposed to be taking care of him, went along with everything else that happened.  But the boy loved her and still loves her.  He might not have realized then, but sometimes people just do stupid things.  they aren't bad people, they just make bad choices.  He wasn't sure why he was crying then, but later the boy realized that it was because it was almost like loosing his grandmother all over again.  Sometimes having someone not act like themselves can be worse than loosing them to something like death.  That was the loss he feared and that is why he still cries sometimes.

As you learn more about someone they seem to change.  It can be worse than loosing them if they make a mistake because you've lost something even more important.  You've lost your trust in them.  Someone can loose all of his ability to sense anything and still live, but if he looses his ability to trust anything, he can't live a single day.  Life is nothing without faith and trust.  But who can you trust?

Years later, this same boy was hurt by his own misguided trust.  He thought he knew people and he thought he knew the world, but his beliefs were shattered.  It's one thing to trust blindly and to be hurt, but it's another thing to trust with all your heart and be hurt.  When people you love break your trust, you loose more than belief, you loose faith.  You try to justify why they betrayed themselves as a form of love and protection, but your heart cries out just the same, as if they themselves have become the villains too, not just the one who really did hurt you, leaving you no one to trust.

Sometimes the victim becomes the abuser and sometimes the abuser becomes the victim.  People aren't all good, but they aren't all bad either.  You loose faith in everything, even God.  And, when the entire world seems to loose it's reliability, it seems to loose it's meaning.  So, you give up.  But something helps you through and years later, just like that little boy, you realize that there is someone who was always there.  There was someone who never broke your trust.  It was God.  He was always there, someone who you could believe in and someone who believed in you, even if you are King David or Saul.  God kept you strong and He kept you alive.  Through it all, He was your Living Trust.  It's not a matter of going out on a limb or playing it safe.  It's a matter of being able to trust in God's plan, whatever it is, even if it means taking a leap of faith...