Part Two
written on Wednesday April 21, 1999

I so often try to apply things that make sense for me to other people, but it rarely seems to work.  The beginning of "ONE: To Be Or Not To Be..." makes sense and works fine for me, but I'm not sure about the second half.  It did (and I guess still does) seem to make sense where these people could get their physical desires from, but that's just me.  When I look at another boy's body, I admire the form and wonder what it would be like to have that body as my own.  I can't imagine what it's like for other people, but it certainly seems to make sense that people would physically desire someone else's body because they want to have that body as their own.  Desiring physical contact with a form seems so close to desiring to have that form, but how can I know why other people have the attractions they do?  I guess I can't.  As I said in part one, everyone's an individual and different (though we all need each other).  Though it seems the simplest answer that we all have attractions for the same reason (wanting to be), we may all very well have attractions for all different reasons.

This has been a very difficult subject for me and, with everything else in my life, I have been under a lot of stress, but I still feel a need to answer the world's problems and not just my own.  The one need that everyone seems to have that is as strong as the need to relate to someone is the need to know why they are the way they are.  Why are they here?  What are they supposed to do?  Everyone is looking for answers.  It's not just me.  I just want to help people.  That's why I'm here and that's what I feel I'm supposed to do.

I read my "Attractions Gallery" page and there I found an entirely different concept of why I would be hormonally attracted to someone, but I still separated my emotional and hormonal attractions.  The problem is that I'm so often hormonally and emotionally attracted to the same boys.  Also, my hormonal and emotional attractions started at the same time (a little before I turned 13).

I've often wondered if the hormonal reactions I feel are the same as other people who think differently than me.  When I see a boy I'm attracted to in a hormonal way, there is this sudden feeling as if a hot liquid were released in my chest.  The feeling overtakes my stomach too and I become nervous.  I become mesmerized as if I were gaining something from looking at him.  I have to keep looking whenever I can, which often puzzles me.  I see my body in their body because we are both boys.  I see what I could be, what I was, and what I am all at once.  Everything overtakes my body like a flood of some chemical.  Sometimes it seems so natural to be attracted to boys, but I often tell myself that it's not natural.  It just somehow feels appropriate that a boy admires other boys, but is it?

What causes me to be hormonally attracted to boys, to have that intense reaction that I have?  Thinking back, before the whole hormonal and emotional attraction thing began, I never imagined having anyone else's form.  After that, I seemed to become more self conscious about my looks.  What was once just dress comfortably became dressing in something I would look good in.  What were once just other boys became objects of beauty.  At that time, my body suddenly gained the ability to produce hormones.  Maybe that's all anyone's body ever does.  It isn't predetermined what someone will be attracted to.  That would mean that I could be hormonally attracted to girls if only I would admire their bodies.  But, if that were true then it would be default for people to be hormonally attracted to the same gender (already occupying that form).  I don't know.  Is being attracted to both genders more common than being only attracted to the opposite gender?  It certainly doesn't seem that way.

It often seems like I only have half of the attractions that I'm supposed to have.  I mean, I admire boys for what I can become (and try to become), but that's where my attractions stop.  It seems like I only have that attraction for myself (bettering myself because I'm the same gender as my attraction).  It seems like I should then have another attraction, an attraction to girls, that is not for myself but is for the both of us (her being the opposite gender of me and so me not being able to become like her).  Why would I be missing that if it really is something I'm supposed to have?  Maybe God has some girl in mind for me that would be the only girl I am attracted to in that way (though even the thought boggles my mind), but eliminated that kind of an attraction to anyone else, so that I wouldn't be distracted until I met my future wife.  If that's true, then maybe it would be possible to actually have kids of my own someday.  But that's probably just a random weird thought.

I won't try to guess how other people think, but I do know that I'm not alone in my way of thinking.  There may not be a lot of us, but still, if I can help even one person, that is everything to me.  Now, if only I would remain content just understanding my own attractions and not what I may not be meant to understand...