written on Saturday April 17th, 1999
I've written before, many times, how the reason I'm attracted to boys is because I want to be them. I used to believe that was only the reason I am attracted to younger boys (because I want to be younger and regain my innocence). I separated my attractions into emotional and hormonal because I understood that the face of youth was neutral to gender. Yet, I later discovered that my hormonal attractions blended with my emotional attractions when it came to boys I truly wanted to be like.
Before, I was not really at all unhappy about the way I looked. I became my attraction because I wanted to be attractive. I was attractive and I knew it. Even if no one else appreciated it, I was attractive to myself because I made myself the type of boy I would be attracted to. I think a lot of it was subconscious, but still, somewhere inside I knew that I was attracted to boys (my age and younger) because I wanted to be them.
More recently, though, circumstances in my life changed the way I looked. I no longer liked the way I looked. After a while, I began to notice my feelings of longings increase for my attractions. And now, as I'm not really very much attracted to myself anymore, my attractions to boys (especially my age) are much more intense. I've noticed that since my tan has faded so much, my hormonal attraction to boys with tans (or naturally tan colored skin) has really increased and pretty much become my exclusive interest. Now that I no longer like my own chest, my hormonal attraction to other boy's chests has really increased (though I still do look at legs a lot!). I realized fairly quickly that the surge in my hormones was directly linked to my self image. I'm attracted to boys I want to be like, so of course when I become less like them, my feelings increase.
One thing I keep wondering is how someone could be attracted to the physical form of their opposite gender and yet not want to have that form. I mean, are men who dress like women typically attracted to women and not men? Somewhere, I think I read that's true, but I don't know because guys being attracted to girls is so common and I doubt most of them are attracted to them because they want to be them. Still, I have my suspicions. Maybe their attraction to the opposite gender is internally rejected as wanting to be like a girl, and their attraction (though so different) is really the same as mine. They reject the "be like" in their minds (probably subconsciously and never consciously) and instead of seeing a woman as someone they wanted to be like, they saw a woman in a different way. They were hormonally attracted to a woman's body simply to be like, but, being rejected, that became simply be with. So, what is done with those feelings of wanting to see out those eyes, to have that form, and to live from inside that body? Those feelings are still there (if they weren't there then the attraction wouldn't be hormonal), but they become wanting to feel that form, to touch that body. Basically, their rejection of wanting to become their attraction is what gives them physical (s word) desires.
I have no idea if this is true or not for guys being attracted to girls (maybe if I were attracted to girls in that kind of a way I'd understand), but I can too easily see it true for guys being attracted to guys. If they entirely reject that they want to be their attraction (subconsciously), then their hormonal attraction becomes physical desire.
I've probably said over and over again how much I can't stand people labeling other people or themselves. I've read it over and over again that people say they are "gay" or "bi" or that I'm "gay" too. The reason so many people seem to like labeling themselves and others is not because they're prejudice and not to get rid of certain types of people. It's because they simply want to relate to other people. They feel different but won't accept that they are an individual and so naturally different from everyone else.
No one is "gay", "bi", or "straight" (no matter what the definition). Everyone is human and everyone is an individual. People are hormonally attracted to other people because they want to be like them, even if the attraction surfaces as physical desire. The true attraction is still there. The reason people feel like they can't control their attractions is because it's what their subconscious accepts or doesn't accept, not their conscious. A person's hormonal attractions (even when they include physical desire) can change as the person changes or simply stay the same.
Men are hormonally attracted to women not because they simply physically desire them (which I don't know how people can site that as a source!), but because they want to be them (I'm reminded of the phrase "I want your body"). That's what God's plan is. God's plan is for two people (whatever two they may be) to truly love each other and to become one, to see through each other's eyes and to live inside each other's heart. Yet, God knows how so many people subconsciously reject their hormonal attractions as what they are and turn it to physical desire, so He, in His infinite wisdom, calls to save the release of that physical desire between to people for marriage (if at all).
Far too many people think that God gave them their physical desires, so it's ok to go along with them, but God's plan was for spiritual oneness. That's why He gave us hormonal attractions. We are all His children and He wants us to love each other, but He want us to understand what love is (formless and eternal). We all desire to become our attraction and not to be "different" for the purpose that we may learn what true love is by becoming one with who we love. And, only in that closeness (spiritual closeness), can we be together, forever...
Flee also youthful lusts and follow righteousness, faith, charity, peace, with them that call on the Lord out of a pure heart.(2 Timothy 2:22) Previous | My Thoughts | Next