written on Monday April 26, 1999
(Based on writings from Sunday)

Today, I watched the movie Summer of the Monkeys and it was an ok movie.  It could have been a whole lot better if the music were just better.  I was of course captivated by the boy who played the lead role.  In the credits, I found out his real name is Corey (Corey Sevier) which was kind of ironic.  I studied him carefully throughout the movie and, by the time it was over, I felt almost like I was him.  The same thing happened after I watched the move Air Bud (and other movies).  It happens a lot.

I found myself, and am still finding myself making facial expressions (especially with my eyebrows) that he made.  I picture in my mind that my face looks like his.  I see myself as him (in form).  I run, I jump, I laugh, and I'm him.  Well, maybe not always him, but a kid again.  Near the beginning, it showed him running through a field with his dog.  Now, I guess I'm not him, but I'm not unhappy being me.

I'm more attracted to younger boys (around the age of the boy in the movie) more than boys my own age because I more want to be them.  I want youth, innocence, and beauty.  I think we all need to feel attractive sometimes, but we also all want to feel free.  Before, I found it strange that someone would want to be a teenager as much as they'd want to be a kid, but I think now that if I weren't a teenager, the past would include my teen years and so I guess I'd long after the same attractions with teenagers included at the same intensity.  Still, though, I'd probably think back every once in a while and realize that I just want to be younger, and being a teen was never what I wanted.

I used to obsess over being younger.  In fact, it wasn't that long ago that I cried over it (ok, so it was yesterday!).  Yesterday at church, there was a boy about maybe 11 or 12 who had his hair parted down the middle and cut one length all the way around (a popular hair style).  His hair was medium blond and completely flat, staying perfectly neat on the sides and only moving in the front.  He had a youthful face and form and a nice tan.  I was overcome the first time I saw him.  I watched him quite a bit.  I was overwhelmed with emotions.  At that moment, I desperately wanted to look like him.  After he left, I had to go outside.  I felt tears coming on.  I kept thinking I was being so ridiculous, but it seemed like more than anything I wanted that youthful beauty back.  Not just looks, but also innocence, a face not yet worn and changed by the pain of the world and a heart not yet burdened by what was to come.  I kept feeling depressed and emotional for a couple hours.  I didn't really talk or care.  I was emotionally hurting myself, but I didn't know what to do.

I received quite a few cards for my birthday, etc., and one of them had a bunch of letters laid out like on a ransom note forming the words:  "Your youth is gone!  Don't call the police. It's no use.  You're never getting it back."  It was a very emotionally upsetting card (especially for the environment I was in) and I tore it up beyond recognition.  (A hint: Don't be sarcastic with a sixteen year old who emotionally over reacts.)  I so often want to be that young boy I was; to have that youth, that life, and that freedom.  I so often dwell on making myself into the boy I want to be, the boy I'm attracted to; to have that face, that voice, and to have that same spark in my eyes.  Yet Love gives us the grace to want to be who we are.  Sometimes the world doesn't let us be ourselves and sometimes we don't, but God created who we are and that's why Love allows us to be ourselves, even to make a fool out of ourselves.  We may not be young and innocent; we may not have that flawless form of youth, the face of a child, but somehow that's ok.  Simply to be loved is all we really ever needed.

God is Love.  God loves you with more love than you can even begin to imagine.  He loves you just the way He created you.  Love sees your imperfections as character and uniqueness, what makes you special.  Love comforts you in pain, laughs with you in joy, and forgives you when you fall.  Forgiveness isn't earned, it's given, just as Love is so freely given to you.  God paints the world with beauty even though we don't deserve it.  He colors your life with grace because He loves you.  You are His creation.  You were created in the image of Love and you are beautiful just the way you are...