written on Saturday May 8, 1999

Sometimes a person's past can be a real challenge for his present.  Even though the past is just that, the past, the pain and the fear remain and that effects the present.  He tries to hide from the past, to repress it, but it doesn't work, so he tries to deal with it, but that only brings it to the surface, where it hurts even more.  Every memory is like a scar that won't heal.  He's tired.  He's tried to end it all, but he can't.  The fears of the past blend with those of the present.  Life becomes a rollercoaster of ups and downs.

Yet, in realizing the importance of challenges in m life, I've realized something else.  I know I've known for a long time, because God has been very persistent about that one point, but maybe I just wasn't ready.  I can't deal with the pain, the worries, or any of that.  I've tried for years, but I can't and I think I've always known that.  I guess I just didn't want to feel helpless.  I'm not helpless. There is help.  I couldn't keep carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.  It was just too much for me, whether I wanted to admit it or not.  There is only One who is strong enough to carry that weight and He's been asking to carry it for me for a long time.  God doesn't want to see people suffering, worrying, or regretting.  I realize that now.  I have to trust in Him...

My burdens are too much for me to bear, so God bears them for me, out of the incomprehensible love that He has for me.  The hard part is actually letting go.  It's not that I want to dwell and worry and regret.  I was just afraid of being weak and vulnerable.  Did my fears protect me?  No, God did.  Did my past make me who I am?  No, God did.  I had to trust in God.  Only then could I let it all go.  Now, when I start to worry too much and get stressed out, God gently reminds me that they're not my problems anymore.  They're His now.  I can rest in the knowledge that, though I can't deal with it, God can and is.  That's what faith is.  It's not always about taking that big step, that leap of faith.  Sometimes it's just letting go and knowing He'll carry you...