So often I listen to music from my past.  I remember the pain and the fear and I cry.  I listen to those songs on purpose.  I want to cry, maybe not to yearn or regret, but to release emotions.  I so often feel so cut off from my emotions that I make myself feel pain just so that I can feel something.  The problem is that whenever I release my emotions, I start to go insane.  I can't sleep, so my sleepy mind can't get a clear hold on reality.

That's why most of the time I try to avoid those songs.  I said before that I pretty much only listen to Christian music because of the descent lyrics, but there's more to it.  Too many other songs remind me of my past.  I started listening exclusively during the beginning of this school year.  I became a new person, yet, inside I still cling to the past.

Why would I choose to hold onto pain?  Maybe it's not the pain that I hold onto.  I have good memories.  It's just that there's also the loss, the loss of many things, a daze of events that clash and make no sense.  I hide from them, yet I run to them because the good and the bad have blended together.  Everything became gray.  I guess hiding from it for so long, denying it, made it loose it's reality.  Yet it's still vivid and real.  That's the insanity of it.  I think my english teacher said that insanity comes from thinking too much.  I think he's right.  I seek so desperately for understanding.  I need to make sense of my life, but I can't understand it all.  I have to rest in the faith that, though I don't understand, God does.  Even God seems to keep telling me to calm down.

I can remember so often in my life feeling this way.  I remember the first time was when I was only seven years old.  I walked to the baby sitter's house every day after school with her two daughters, except for one day when they left without me.  I looked all around for them.  I waited and waited, but they never showed up, so I walked the long way back alone.  When I came near the house, I stopped.  All the fear of not knowing what happened, all the loneliness, and all the emotions came over me at once.  The next thing I knew, I was drawing images in the dirt with a stick when the baby sitter found me.  She had been driving around looking for me for an hour or so.  I was dazed and confused.  It was so minor a thing, but I guess I've never been able to deal with loss, especially abstract loss.

I feel like I either lost something recently or am in the process of loosing something.  I think it has to do with the fact that I've been off in my own little world these past two months or so.  I'm driving people away from me.  I need a friend.  Well, I'd better get my act together.  I have a lot of work to do.  I wonder what God's plan is this time...