Cute Boys, Hot Boys:

Outward Sexuality vs. Inward Sexuality
written June 10, 2004

based on notes from May 5, 2004

Even though Joey was attracted to boys throughout his life, he never felt "gay" or effeminate in any way. He always felt masculine. The emergence of attractions to girls at puberty therefore came almost expectedly. I, on the other hand, never felt very masculine and often felt feminine in many ways. My attractions, while I should have expected them, came as a shock and just contributed to those feelings of gender confusion. What I felt specifically was both a need to nurture and care for boys (that I was emotionally attracted to) as well as to be protected and cared for by boys (that I was hormonally attracted to). What it really comes down to is what I'll call "outward sexuality" and "inward sexuality". At the time that I first felt those feelings, I was convinced that I was the only one in the world who felt this way. I now know differently.

For most females, their outward sexuality comes in the form of a mothering, bonding attraction to children. Their inward sexuality comes in the form of a need to be protected and dominated (by a man). For men, their outward sexuality is also toward procreation, but not in the form of being attracted to nurturing children. It comes in the form of being attracted to women to impregnate them to create children. Thus male and female outward sexualities help carry on the human race. Men, however, are not supposed to have an inward sexuality. They aren't supposed to want to be dominated or desire to be protected and nurtured. They are the protectors of their wives just as their wives are the protectors of their children. Yet, human sexuality is diverse. There are women who want sex in the same aggressive way that gay men do. There are gay men who want a man to protect them. There are straight men who want their lovers to control them in the bedroom. There are males who are attracted to children in the same way that women are. In this way, my sexuality is innately feminine. Like women and like my mother (the women that I inherited my attractions from), I am attracted to youth in an emotional and nurturing or loving way. Yet, at the same time, I want to be protected. I seek in Joey what women seek in husbands. Whether or not I find it is another discussion. The point is that my feelings are not so alien or so uncommon. What I feel is something that half the population of earth can relate to in one way or another.

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