Suicide
 written June 13, 2004

There were a few times in September of 1999 that I was in a car with my mother going either to or from school or to a store with her and I felt like just opening the door and jumping out. I wasn't carefully thinking through exactly what would happen after that point, but, as messed up inside as I was, I didn't even get as far as unbuckling my seatbelt. Actually, one of the times I told my mother about contemplating jumping out, which, I'm sure, didn't help her worry over me.

All in all, there have been many times that I've contemplated just ending it all. However, just like jumping from a moving vehicle, I was really just looking for a way out. I needed an escape from my problems that seemed so overwhelming. Yet, whether I was distraught over growing up, my attractions, or lost love, my thoughts never turned into actions. One reason was that I was simply scared. I didn't know what would happen. I might be hurt and in pain. And what if I did die? What about my family or those who cared about me? Would I go to heaven or to hell for such an act? Most of all, I wouldn't find what I really wanted: escape.

For me, feeling overwhelmed has always come alongside feeling depressed. When I'm depressed, I don't feel motivated to do anything, least of all go through all the trouble of killing myself. At those times, I really don't care about anything except making all my problems go away. Still, those problems do have solutions and resolutions most of the time. I made it through a lot so far because I had no choice. Even now, when things seem bleak at times, I have to hold some hope. I have to believe that things will get better, even when there's no evidence to support that belief at present. I have so much that I want to do with my life an so does Joey. In the bigger picture, we still have so much of our lives left to live and we are eager to get the chance to live it the way we've always dreamed of. The simple (though often cruel) fact is that life is hard. Some people have it easier and others have to put up with far too much. I'm not God and I won't presume to know why life's so unfair, but I do know that my life has been filled with unexpected twists and turns and I have to believe another is just around the corner. There were plenty of times that I had no idea whatsoever how I could get through or out of the mess I was in, but I did. Most of the time, I didn't even have control over how I did it. When life seems darkest, there is still hope. At night, only when every city light is dim are ths stars clearly seen. There is hope. There has to be. We all have so much left to do.

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