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"Becoming Homosexual"
While having my attritions emerge alongside focused sexual feelings caused a great deal of confusion, simply having attractions appear was problematic in and of itself. Most people are not like Joey. Most people see their attractions emerge at puberty. All the movies and images of boys romancing girls are far from the norm. They're merely what adults infatuated with children want to see. Yet, such an awakening of attractions, even if separate from a sexual desire, inevitably causes problems when you are forced to keep those new attractions to yourself because they're not "normal." Because I wasn't always attracted to boys, I was forced to ponder over the idea that something between birth and 13 made me attracted to boys. Something made me become homosexual. Perhaps it was seeing other boys naked. Perhaps it was seeing my mother naked and being repulsed. Yet, even when a typical male is isolated from females, he will still be attracted to a woman even though he has never seen one before. There is an image preset into our subconscious. Joey, and others who have always been attracted to the same boys, attest to the fact that we are born with that attraction. Why it was always active in Joey while it was dormant in me for years, I don't know. The human form is innately similar, regardless of gender, age, or race. So, it is understandable that, just as we all look different, that subconscious image also looks different. And there is really no single image, because we can often see characteristics we like in many different forms. For example, I've seen girls with boyish faces or with better legs than many boys. There is, however, that ideal in my mind. Unlike Joey, I am only really drawn to one gender. For me, that absolutely perfect form in my mind is a boy between 10 and 12 with blond hair, blue eyes and a tan. He also has to have a certain cute face, certain frame, and just the right legs. Anything less than all that wouldn't be perfect. So, have I seen that image outside my head? Some boys have come close, but no. Perhaps I will someday, but until then, I'm not that picky. That image, after all, is not of any real person that I've seen before if indeed it was in my head from before I emerged from my mother's womb. In my mind, the perfection and endurance of that image attests to the idea that it has always been there in me. We don't ask why a man prefers blond women with light skin over brunets with dark skin, so why should we obsess over an attraction to boys? If it is indeed nature, then I can assuredly say it's perfectly natural to be attracted to boys.
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