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Do My Parents
Know?
written September 24th, 2003 When I was around four, I stole a package of lifesavers. I'm not sure exactly why, but with a feeling that felt remarkably like curiosity, I put the candy into my pocket while my mother was taking me grocery shopping with her. Later, I secretly went into the bathroom and locked the door. Listening for my mother, I stood over next to the toilet and quietly pulled the lifesavers out of my pocket. I looked at the package in my hand and considered opening it. Thinking about the sound it would make and the prospect of being caught made me feel incredibly guilty. So, I unlocked the door and marched to my mother and showed the package to her. She asked where I got it and I explained that I "took it" when we had went to the store. I still somewhat remember the expression on her face. She wasn't angry, just surprised. In an overly calm manner, she suggested we return to the store. We did and, with only a little coaxing on her part, I apologized to a store employee there and returned the candy. I don't think he really cared much, but thus began and ended my career of theft (for nine years anyway). It also foreshadowed the deceit and secrecy that would be so difficult and yet seemingly so necessary for me to learn. Since an early age, I wasn't like most boys. I was quiet, shy, and often deep in thought while my male classmates were running around playing. I never had much energy, but perhaps it had something to do with my mother keeping me from eating candy or sweets. Since adults seemed to appreciate my silence and patience, I spent a fair amount of free time around adults. I had my first friend at six and, when we moved, made another at eight. While other boys my age were playing with GI Joe or Batman action figures, I preferred little animal figures and doll houses. Of course, I would make a lot of little playsets and furniture or whatnot myself. My father was very uncomfortable with even the idea of walking with me down "the pink isle" (that is to say that all the packages were pink). My mother tried to defend my sissy desires, since I never played with girl dolls (like Barbie or Skipper) and my favorite characters were boys. While I didn't like fighting games like my friend, I didn't play video games for girls because the main characters were always female. I played Mario, Zelda, and Sonic games, which I suppose have universal appeal. I even tried making an RPG video game, since I liked games like The Secret of Mana and The Legend of Zelda. Once I was twelve and my feelings for boys began to awaken, I found myself drifting away from toys and games. Actually, now that I'm with Joey (who never stopped collecting toys or playing games), I've bought some games and toys (even dolls). Of course, now I feel embarrassed about walking down the girl isle. That feeling was something new after twelve. After that, my inhibitions seemed to kick in, even though, despite all the girlish toys I used to buy, I was never made fun of by someone there for walking down the girls' isle. I just felt more self conscious. I had a lot more to think about and lost interest in my old hobbies. I even stopped drawing for a while, which I would have liked to continue to progress my skills. I actually drew a picture of a naked boy (a blue, tiger-striped boy) at tend and was proud of how it turned out, so I showed it to my mother. At the time, I didn't understand why she didn't praise my work as much as she usually did. While I liked the idea of boyhood and being younger, I didn't have crushes on boys and I didn't feel any desire toward boys' bodies, despite what I drew. Writing seemed to be the only thing I didn't give up. If anything I started writing more. Another think that changed is that I began collecting CDs. Before then, I didn't really listen to music much. I would buy music by various Christian artists as well as Celine Dion and others. I used to actually sing along with "My Heart Will Go On" (when no one was around). I felt embarrassed buying a Britney Spears cd and a Hanson cd. My mother would always ask why I liked the music I bought too, so the Hanson cd I walked across the street to buy while my mother was getting her hair cut. I listened to mostly female artists and exclusively songs girls would like, such as love songs, but I couldn't help what I liked any more than I could help liking boys. And, yes, boys were becoming an obsession which was growing harder to hide. In the summer when I was thirteen, I committed my second and last theft. I had planed it out very carefully. I had become obsessed with Jonathan Taylor Thomas and some magazines for teen girls featured him with pictures and articles. So, I carefully put each magazine inside a generic magazine (like a car or house magazine) to look through them secretly. Then, once I had found one I liked, I tactfully removed the staples of the girl magazine and a nearby car magazine and put the cover of the car magazine over the other magazine and pushed the staples back through the holes until it appeared natural. Then I took my re-covered magazine to the checkstand. I knew that all he had to do was flip the pages open and I would be doomed. The clerk asked what type of Mustang my family has and I was puzzled for a moment, muttering "none." I later realized that it was a Mustang car magazine cover. I was just too embarrassed to think straight. Anyway, I made it out of the store and returned to the truck, where my father was waiting. He gave me a strange look and was going to ask what I bought, but I suppose the look on my face changed his mind. I'm still not sure what he thought (or hoped) I bought. It's rather ironic that the one time I do commit a crime, I'm not caught, but the following school year (8th grade) I was constantly accused of doing things I didn't do. Well, after my magazine experience, I knew I wasn't going through that again. So, I subscribed to the magazine and ordered back issues. I even wrote to JTT. I kept a copy of the street mailbox key and checked it every day as I came home from school and on weekend early mornings. I just had to make sure my parents never checked the mail before me. The rest of the issues I received seemed to phase out JTT, but the back issues were full of pictures and articles. I would constantly read the articles obviously written to make girls swoon over him. It's too bad I didn't get the internet for two more years, because at the next move, I went through a panic phase about being caught and threw away all the magazines I had collected. I also recorded reruns of Home Improvement and commercials or other shows featuring boys and recorded over them and threw the blanked out tapes away too. That particular paranoia panic was definitely a moment I immensely regretted because I also tore up and threw away all the entries I had written about my feelings. Those writings already amounted to a huge stack by fourteen. When I moved to this area, many things were simply lost or misplaced and I may find them, but that panic can never be undone. I was just so afraid of my parents looking through the items as they were being moved. As I said already, I really could have used the internet. I was convinced that I was the only boy attracted to boys in town, if not in the world. My parents would never understand. Yet, I know now that my parents suspected things all along and probably both know, even if they don't want to admit it to themselves. In fact, after I met Joey and began hanging around him all the time, my mother asked me, "Do you want to talk to me about anything like..." and then she spelled out the letters G-A-Y with her fingers in the air. I said "no" in a way that dismissed the idea. Still, as time went on, she asked flat out, "Are Joey and you..." She didn't finish her sentence because we both knew what she was asking (which was either if we were a couple or if we were sleeping together), but I denied it again. Yes, I'm pretty sure both my parents know (after all, they're not stupid), though my father may still be in denial. I still feel it would hurt him the most to admit the truth. My mother seems alright with the idea. As she's cleverly said many times over the years, "I'd love you no matter what. I love you just the way you are." I have no reason to doubt her. I'm just not ready to complicate my relationship with my parents. Perhaps once Joey and I can afford our own place, their blind support won't be so necessary. But, for how I really feel about that, see "Coming Out". For now, Joey knows everything about me and that is good enough for me. |
