#31
Two blonde builders were working on a house. One blonde was on a ladder nailing. She'd reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood.
The other blonde couldn't stand it any longer and yelled up, "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?"
The first blonde explained, "When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's pointed toward me I throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it!"
The second blonde explained, "Don't throw away those nails that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side of the house!!"
This year, our program is heading into its 69th year of bringing America's best and brightest to the Nation's Capitol to help the "Head Man" do his job.
We expect that 1998 will be the most exciting one yet!
Why, you might be asking yourself, do I want to be a part of this demanding, yet rewarding program? Check this out:
* Be a part of the action in the pulsing, throbbing political scene of the
hottest city in the world!
* Get up close and personal with some of America's movers and shakers!
* See rooms in the White House that even a VIP tour won't show you
* Get total access to plenty of sensitive Presidential activities!
Sound like it's for you? Just listen to this testimonial from a former intern:
"I couldn't believe it! After only a few months on the job answering
phones and fetching coffee, there I was, debriefing the president.
Getting involved in executive branch affairs is just fantastic."
- M. Lewinsky, Beverly Hills, Calif.
As you can see, being a White House intern is more than long hours, hot debates and touchy national issues.
Still interested? Fill out this information form and send it back to the White House at [email protected]
Name:
Hometown:
Sex: F__ Age:
Measurements: (required for medical purposes)
How many beers it takes to get you...
...Giggly:
...Drunk:
...Hot:
...To lie to a federal prosecutor:
Quick quiz:
You've always considered the White House:
a) a monument to democracy
b) the place where great leaders meet
c) vaguely erotic
d) extremely erotic
Hillary Clinton is a(n):
a) model wife and mother
b) icon of late 20th century femininity
c) an obstacle
d) inappropriate companion for the leader of the free world
You've always wanted to know more about the President's:
a) Israeli policies
b) childhood in Hope, Ark.
c) romper room
d) "monument to democracy"
My social life as an intern would likely consist of:
a) hitting Georgetown bars with the other interns
b) reading, study
c) late nights working at the White House
d) late nights working the White House
Score 1 point for each a, 2 for each b, 3 for each c, 4 for each d.
Scores of 16 can start tomorrow. Scores of 12 and above, please call soon.
Uncle Sam wants you.
* Please feel free to forward this form to anyone you know who might be interested in this program. The White House is an equal opportunity employer.
A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was possibly this guy he met once named George, but the body was so badly burned, he needed somebody to make a positive identification. That task fell to George's two friends, Joe and Al.
Joe came over to the body and said, "He's burned pretty bad, all right. Roll him over." Joe looked at the dead man's buttocks and said, "Nope, that ain't George."
Thinking the incident strange, the mortician said nothing. He then brought in Al. Al takes a look at the body and said, "Wow, he's burned to a crisp. Roll him over." Again, the same reply, "Nope, that ain't George."
The mortician said, "How can you tell?"
Al replied, "George had two buttholes."
The mortician then said, "What?! How could he have two buttholes?"
Then Al replied, "Everybody knew George had two buttholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town you'd hear people say, 'Here comes George with those two buttholes!'"
20. "The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton
19. "My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by OJ Simpson
18. Human Rights Advances in China
17. America's Most Popular Lawyers
16. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
15. Detroit - A Travel Guide
14. Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
13. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
12. Easy UNIX
11. Al Gore: The Wild Years
10. Everything Men Know About Women
9. Everything Women Know About Men
8. French Hospitality
7. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
6. "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel
5. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
4. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
3. "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman
2. The Amish Phone Directory
And the number one World's Shortest Book:
1. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion
The woman in question, a cute blonde as it happens, was pulled over for speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer. When he
walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said: "I bet
you're going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolman's Ball."
He replied, "No, highway patrolmen don't have balls."
There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that
measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later
received in the mail a ticket for $40, and a photo of his car. Instead
of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police department that contained another picture---of handcuffs.
True story from Orange County:
A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no - he only lives a mile away.
About five blocks from the party the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line.
Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking
place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay
put, they will be right back - and they run down the street to the robbery.
The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home.
When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.
A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. X lives here and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where they find: the police car, lights still flashing. (He drove home in the police car)
A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit. The officer found the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD."
A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full of change.
There would be a "Rehearsal Kegger", rather than a "Rehearsal Dinner".
Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter tops, with
NO tan lines.
Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colors.
June weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs.
Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit that "forsaking all others" part.
The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up '73 Charger or some other hot car with racing tires and flame designs on the side....or better yet, a Harley!
Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless they were really old)
would get punched in the head.
Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best Man".
There would be "Tailgate Receptions".
Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at half-time or between innings.
Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would be long.
Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the bachelor party. Those strippers and liquor sure do add up.
Men wouldn't ask, "Well, what do you think, dear? The burgundy or the
wine colored napkins?" They'd just grab extras from their local pub or
tavern.
Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink passes at
the local lounge.
The bride's dress would show cleavage, her navel, and be form-fitted to
her butt.
Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog roast or
buckets of chicken, pizza and plenty of bar-b-que.
No one would bother with that "Veil Routine". But they would insist that
the garter be as high up on her leg as it could go.
The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a previous funeral or
something.
Invitations would read as follows...
He either:
A) knocked her up,
B) couldn't get a different roommate, or
C) caved in to her ultimatum.
Please meet the woman who will
Cook and clean for him for the rest of his life at
Texas Stadium On the 50 Yard Line at Half-time
During Sunday's game.
Please join us at The Clubhouse after the game
For Beer, Nachos and Pizza.
Oh yeah... B.Y.O.B.
A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."
You Might Be In Education If...
* You can converse in middle schoolease.
* Your last nerve is a distant memory...
* Every day is a bad hair day.
* You find humor in public parental discipline.
* You worry about getting sued for self-esteem violiations.
* You believe the staff room should be equipped with Valium salt licks.
* You stand on your front porch instructing the neighbor children to "Walk!"
* Junior Highers make you feel old but you could not be paid to be that age again...
* You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to only work 8 - 3 and have your summers free."
* You refer to adults as "boys and girls"
* You encourage your husband by telling him he is a "good helper"
* You believe chocolate is a major food group.
* You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
* You believe "extremely annoying" should have its own box on the report card.
* You believe that unspeakble evils will befall you if anyone says,
"Boy, the kids are sure mellow today."
* When you are out in public you snap your fingers at children who are
misbehaving.
* You give your husband "the look" when he "misbehaves."
* You have no life from August through June.
* Putting all "A"s on the report card would be so much easier.
* You think people should be required to get a government permit
before being allowed to reproduce, earned by having worked in a middle
school for 5 years.
* You encourage a parent to check into home schooling.
* You can't have children of your own because there isn't a name you
can hear that wouldn't elevate your blood pressure.
* You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac.
* You think that caffeine should be available in I V form.
* Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question, "Why is this kid like that?"
On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."
On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."
On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."
At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."
On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"
In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."
On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"
On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got." (Burglars please copy.)
On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
In a Cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."
On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth, and the doctor told them that he had developed an experimental machine and asked if they would like to try it out. He explained carefully that the machine could take some of the pain of childbirth from the mother and give it to the father.
Both the husband and the wife thought this was a wonderful idea and decided to give it a try. The doctor set the knob on the machine at ten percent for starters, explaining to the man that even ten percent was probably more pain than he had ever experienced.
But the man was suprised at how litttle pain he felt and asked the doctor to go ahead and turn it up a notch. The doctor twisted the knob up to twenty percent and checked the husband's blood pressure, which was fine. Amazed, the doctor turned the knob again and increased the pain threshold to fifty percent.
Still feeling nothing, the husband encouraged the doctor to give him ALL the pain. Again, dumbfounded, the doctor increased the load to one hundred percent. After his wife had given birth, the man stood up, streched a little and helped his wife into the car, both of them feeling fine. When they got home, they found the mailman dead on the doorstep!