The Clean Ones, continued...
These are plenty more of the clean ones and they are listed in no particular order...enjoy!
#41
CATS IN PHYSICS
1 - Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon
by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a
nearby scurrying mouse.
2 - Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really
good reason to change direction.
3 - Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in
direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
4 - Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case
of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
5 - Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length
of the nap just taken.
6 - Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a
position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is
possible for the cat.
7 - Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any
counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
8 - Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good
and ready to stop.
9 - Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
10 - Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
11 - Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.
12 - First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed
and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
13 - Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of
napping.
14 - Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will
come along and take out something good to eat.
15 - Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at
the speed of light.
16 - Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most
comfortable spot in any given room.
17 - Law of Bag / Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within
the earliest possible nanosecond.
18 - Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her
embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
19 - Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show
you he can.
20 - Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional
to the cost of the furniture.
21 - Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible.
22 - Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus
the amount of milk consumed.
23 - Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to
the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
24 - Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach
escape velocity.
25 - Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.
#42
BLAME THE FROG
The President takes the day off from work to elude the press corps and Hillary. He decides to go golfing. Bill gives the slip to the Secret Service and ends up, unrecognized, at a small public course in Maryland.
He is on the 2nd hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to tee off when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron." The President looks around and doesn't see anyone. Looks at the frog and decides to prove him wrong, puts his driver away and grabs his 9 iron. Boom! He hits the ball 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked.
He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"
The Frog replies "Ribbit. Luck Frog."
The President decides to take him to the next hole. What do you think frog?" the President asks.
"Ribbit. 3 Wood."
Bill takes out his 3 wood and Wham! Hole in one. The President is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, the President golfed the best game of his life and asks the frog, "Ok, where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."
They go to Andrews AFB, fire up Air Force One, file for clearance direct to Las Vegas, and arrive at 4 AM, still unrecognized, at a casino. Bill says, "Ok frog, now what?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit. Roulette." Upon reaching the roulette table, the President then asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit. $300,000 on black 6."
Now this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, Clinton figures what the heck. Whoosh! Tons of cash come sliding back across the table.
The President takes his winnings and his new buddy, First Frog and heads back to D.C. Bill sets the F.F. on a cushion on his desk in the Oval Office and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I, and the Democratic National Committee, are forever grateful."
The Frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss me."
Bill figures why not, after all the frog has done for him, he deserves it. With a kiss the frog turns into a 25-year-old girl named Monica.
"And that, Mr. Starr, is how she ended up in my office."
#43
FOLKS, IT'S ELEMENTARY
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they
lay down for the night, Holmes said: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"
Watson said "I see millions of stars."
Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"
Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."
#44
DILBERT QUOTES
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. Here are some of the submissions:
1.
As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation)
2.
What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)
3.
How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team)
4.
E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company)
5.
This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS)
6.
Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing /3M Corp.)
7.
My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)
8.
Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say." (Mktg. executive, Citrix Corporation)
9.
My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping Executive, FTD Florists)
10.
We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees. (AT&T Long Line Division)
11.
We recently received a memo from senior management saying, This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
12.
One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New Business Mgr., Hallmark Cards)
13.
As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR Director's office, and was told that the executive VP wanted me out of the building by lunch. When
I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts"
(pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally she showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired, with the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR Manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send to my boss, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out, directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance
with company policy, I created my resignation letter by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)
14.
This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from a large communications company: "Lucent Technologies is endeavorily determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supercede, the expectations of quality!"
#45
ANYTHING?
An instructor was sitting in his office one afternoon when an attractive, sexy-looking lady knocked on his door.
Yes?, he replied, how may I help you? The lady said "I need to talk to you about my grade in your class."
"Come in and have a seat," said the instructor.
Is there anything I can do to get an "A" in your class?
"What do you mean by *anything*," he replied.
She said "Anything!"
Anything??
She said, in her best sultry voice "I mean ANYTHING."
The instructor got up from behind his desk, sat down beside her and whispered in her ear, "Would you study?"
#46
THE LORD'S PRAYER?
A mother was teaching her three-year-old daughter The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother.
One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end.
"And lead us not into temptation", she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen."
#47
CONFIDENCIALLY SPEAKING
Client: "Do you think justice will prevail?"
Lawyer: "It's possible, but if so, we can always appeal!"
#48
GO TO JAIL HEALTHY, GO DIRECTLY TO JAIL HEALTHY
"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client. "First the bad news: The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the victim's dress."
"Oh, no - I'm ruined!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is down to 140!"
#49
THE NEED TO KNOW
During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare
yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
"Will I be acquitted?"
#50
HERE'S JOHNNIE
A rumor making the rounds suggests that President William J. Clinton was prepared to hire famed LA attorney Johnnie Cochran, Esq. An undisclosed source deep within the Cochran law firm has leaked the following documents to the press.
TOP TEN proposed closing arguments in the matter of:
United States v. William Jefferson Clinton:
10.
If the dress ain't a mess, he won't need to confess
9.The economy's great, let the White Boy skate
8.If the Bitch didn't spit, you must acquit
7.If she is not spread eagle, then it is not illegal
6.Lewinsky's a whore, and Bill's better than Gore
5.So he lied to the masses, he was just saving some asses
4.He cheats on his wife, but its his personal life
3.Bill can't tell the truth till he sees Ken Starr's proof
2.Bill is not sleazy, Lewinsky's just easy
And the number one closing argument by Johnny Cochran:
1.
If the sex is just oral, it's not really immoral