#21
Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) OR JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out
Have a great Thanksgiving!!
Patrick, Jose, and Jim-Bob were doing construction work on
scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. There were eating lunch and the
Patrick said, "Corned beef and cabbage! One more time and I'm going to jump off this building!"
Jose opened his lunch box and explained, "Burritos, again! If I get burritos again, I'm going to jump off this building, too!
Jim-Bob opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich again, I'm jumping , too!
The next day, Patrick opens his lunch, sees corn beef and cabbage, and jumps to his death.
Jose opens his lunch, and sees burritos, and jumps to his death.
Jim-Bob opens his lunch and sees bologna, and also, jumps to his death.
At the funeral, Patrick's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
Jose's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas!" I didn't realize he hated burritos so much!"
Everyone turned and stared at Jim-Bob's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "he makes his own lunch!"
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Room service? Send up a larger room.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He
really is an idiot.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water!
You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?
You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.
I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is probably more than she ever did.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
After his introduction on a music/variety show, Groucho and the host both sat down at center stage.
Host: "I'm a big fan of yours, Groucho."
Groucho: "If it gets any hotter in here I could use a big fan."
Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?
Time wounds all heels.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.
Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is
east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like apple-sauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.
Whatever it is I'm against it.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
- What is the speed of dark?
- When you're sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
- Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?
- If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of
earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?
- How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
- What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
- After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out
of the water?
- If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
- What's another word for synonym?
- If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is
it considered a hostage situation?
- When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?
- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
- Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
- Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor and planes don't have a
row 13, but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
- How can there be self-help groups?
- Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink
and drive?
- Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited
there?
- If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
- Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
- Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a
shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo?
- Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
- Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
- Where are Preparations A through G?
- Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
- If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
- When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the
top one away?
- When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
- What happened to the first 6 "ups"?
- If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon
called a yellow?
- Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?
- If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
- Hermits have no peer pressure.
- Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...
- There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore
like an idiot..
- How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
- What a nice night for an evening.
- When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad.
He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of
August? Cool!"
- Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
- I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me
are furious.
- I live on a one-way dead-end street.
- It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room
temperature.
- Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
- I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, "No
thanks-I'm not going that far."
- I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lives next door
complained.
- Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
- When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a
woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
After a particularly lousy landing by the co-pilot of an Australian commercial airline, that co-pilot heard the Captain announce "Ladies and Gentlemen, XXX airlines wishes to apologise for that rough landing provided today by our first officer".
Some months later the same crew were together and, you guessed it, the Captain did an even worse one. The First Officer immediately jumped on the intercom announcing "Ladies and Gentlemen, XXX airlines wishes to apologise for that rough landing provided today by our Captain".
The Captain immediately responded angrily, "What did you say that
for?".
The First Officer replied "Remember a couple of months back? I owed it to you!".
"But I never keyed the mike!" responded the Captain.
After a couple from Arkansas had their tenth child, the husband decided it was time to have a vasectomy. He went to his doctor, who told him to place a lit cherry bomb in a tin can, hold it next to his ear, and count to ten. Not seeing how this could possibly be of any help in his situation, the redneck decided to drive to Missouri to get a second opinion.
The Missouri doctor was about to tell the man about the procedure when he noticed that he was from Arkansas. The doctor proceeded to tell the redneck to put a lit cherry bomb in a tin can, hold it next to his ear and count to ten.
Believing that the same advice from two different doctors MUST be right, the redneck put a lit cherry bomb in a can, placed it next to his ear, and began to count. "1..2..3.. 4..5.." upon reaching 5, the redneck quickly placed the can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand...
I used to work in a bank while going to college, and the head teller, a sweet grandmother type, related this little tale:
One day a would-be robber walked up to her window and passed a note demanding all her money. She handed it back to him and stated that he would have to get a bank officer's approval first. Bright light that he was, he walked over to the service desk and proceeded to wait on line. Meanwhile, she picked up the phone and called the police station across the street to report the crime.
He was still waiting when they arrested him.
How NOT To Rob A Bank -- The Adventure Continues Excerpted from The Washington Post, June 4, 1997, page B03; story by Brooke A. Masters, Washington Post staff writer
So you want to rob a bank. Here's how not to do it:
Don't walk barefaced into the bank.
Don't rob a bank at the same U.S. Army post where you work.
And above all, don't go back to the same bank, talk to the same teller
and try to deposit the same bills into your own account.
Daniel Christian Bowden, a 20-year-old military policeman at Fort
Belvoir, stands accused of ignoring all those rules.
He was arrested at the Fort Belvoir Federal Credit Union on Monday
afternoon after a teller there thought she recognized him as the man who
had stolen $4,759 at her window May 21, according to an FBI affidavit
filed yesterday in federal court in Alexandria.
The teller who had been robbed motioned Bowden over to her window,
according to the affidavit and credit union officials.
"She felt if she could hear him speak and look into his eyes, she could
identify him," said Patty Kimmel, credit union chief executive officer.
Bowden said he wanted to wire $2,900 to his home state of Texas, and he
pushed a pile of money over the counter for deposit in his account, the
affidavit said.
The teller then took the money into the back room and began comparing
the serial numbers with those of bills taken 12 days earlier. The first
two $5 bills matched, and the credit union called the military police,
the affidavit said.
When the Fort Belvoir MPs arrived, they were in for a shock. Bowden, a private, is one of their own and has had FBI training on handling bank robberies, law enforcement officials said.
SUBJ: Perfect Heist: Quick, Clean, No Paperwork or Drawn-Out Trial Excerpted from The Seattle Times, February 4, 1990
On February 3, 1990, David Zaback, 33 -- a Renton (Seattle area) man-- tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by his lack of a record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choice:
1.The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop;
2.The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial
fraction of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed
handguns in public places;
3.To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked King County
Police patrol car parked at the front door;
4.An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having
coffee before reporting to duty.
Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and
fired a few wild shots.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the
gene pool.
Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one
else was hurt.
The officer was Timothy Lally, 49, an 18-year veteran of the force. The
clerk was Danny Morris.
SUBJ: Not Quite Clear on the Concept Excerpted from the Daily Mirror (UK), July 17, 1997
A young man decided to blackmail a well-known supermarket chain by threatening to contaminate the foods on sale there. He sent a note demanding 30,000 pounds to be paid into his bank account and provided, (just to make sure that they got the right amount into the right account) his bank account number.
Not surprisingly he was soon caught and convicted.
SUBJ: The Perils of Illiteracy
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began
to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the
police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of
America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells
Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that
he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could
not accept his stick up note because it was written on a Bank
of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a
Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left the Wells Fargo.
The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few
minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at the Bank of America.
Senators William B. Spong of Virginia and Hiram Fong of Hawaii sponsored a bill recommending the mass ringing of church bells to welcome the arrival in Hong Kong of the U.S. Table Tennis Team after its tour of Communist China.
The bill failed to pass, cheating the Senate out of passing the ...
Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong Bell Bill.
Are you terrified of your computer? Do you feel out of place and overwhelmed when your friends or coworkers start spouting reams of technical jargon that you will never understand? Then this article is for you! Now you can impress your friends and get over your fear of technical terminology with The Techno Terms Dictionary...
486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.
Obsolete - Any computer you own.
Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to
become obsolete.
G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than
the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."
Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying "Hi, I want to
buy a computer and money is no object."
Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp.
after a Syntax Error.
GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.
(pronounced "gooey")
Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to
generate.
Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at
home, on vacation, and on business trips.
Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
...not really bad, but some of us are more sensitive than others about these things..
No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic,
onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife
so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.
Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you-or
holding you in his arms.
Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between
members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown-if they're nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you're safe from the law!)
During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains.
In Cleveland, Ohio women are not allowed to wear patent-leather shoes.
It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police
officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any
suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up
from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two
minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.
[Hmmm... okay, there's one place with a law that makes sense... -psl]
In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot off a gun while his female
partner is having a sexual orgasm.
In Detroit, couples are not allowed to make love in an automobile unless
the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on the couple's own
property.
A law in Fairbanks, Alaska does not allow moose to have sex on city
streets.
In Florida it is illegal for single, divorced, or widowed women to
parachute on Sunday afternoons.
In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck
driver inside a toll booth.
The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide
each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they
are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex
unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.
Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a
table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two
ounces of clothing.
A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called
master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.
An excerpt from brilliant Kentucky state legislation. "No female shall
appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be
escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club".
The following important ammendment however is to be considered here:
"The provisions of this statuate shall not apply to females weighing
less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to male
horses."
In Kingsville, Texas there is a law against two pigs having sex on the
city's airport property.
Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the
horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according to a
Liberty Corner, New Jersey law.
In Los Angeles, California, a man is legally entitled to beat his wife
with a leather belt or strap, but the belt can't be wider than 2 inches,
unless he has his wife's consent to beat her with a wider strap.
Consent should be given prior to the event, as is carefully stipulated.
[Not to be confused with the myth about "rule of thumb"'s origin-psl]
In Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets
because "The privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male."
In Michigan, a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her
husband's permission.
In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal.
An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from
having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer!
In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset.
(There was a civil-service job-for men only-called a corset inspector.)
In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting
or fishing on your wedding day.
In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing
while standing in front of a man's picture.
In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have
twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when
a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love
on the floor between the beds!
A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a
man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the
woman's name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment.
Utah state legislation outlaws all sex with anyone but your spouse. Next
to that adultery, oral and anal sex, masturbation are considered sodomy
and can lead to imprisonment. Sex with an animal - unless performed for
profit - however is NOT considered sodomy. Polygamy - provided only the missionary position has been applied - is only a misdemeanor.
In Ventura County, California cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex
without a permit.
The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the
missionary-style position. Any other sexual position is considered
illegal.
In Willowdale, Oregon no man may curse while having sex with his wife.
In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a
virgin under any circumstances. (Including the wedding night).