#11
One day at the end of class little Geoffrey's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then write down and conclude the moral of that story.
The following day when the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell his story, little Joey raises his hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
The teacher asks for the moral of the story.
Joey replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Next is little Heather ..."Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched"
...teacher asks Heather for the moral of the story...
Heather replies: "Don't count your eggs before they're hatched".
Last is little Geoffrey ... "My Aunt Debbie fought in the Desert Storm war; her plane was shot down over enemy territory - she jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun & a machete.
On the way down, she drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, she lands in the middle of 100 Iraqian soldiers.
She shot 70 with her machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so she pulled out her machete and killed 20 more. The blade on her machete broke, so she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
Teacher looks in shock at Geoffrey and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story...
Geoffrey replies, "Yeah, don't mess with Aunt Debbie when she's been drinking."
A dedicated UPS (United Parcel Service) union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels nearby.
When he got to the first one, he asked the Madame "Is this a union house?"
"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.
His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madame responded, "Why yes sir, this IS a union house."
The man asked, "And if I gave you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the UPS man said.
He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blond. "I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madame, then, gesturing to an obese 55-year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."
Jose is 17 years old and lives in Mexico. All his life he has wanted to see an American baseball game.
So, one night he sneaks across the border and hitchhikes his way to the second game of the World Series. He tries to get in, but since he doesn't have a ticket, the security guard won't let him in.
Jokingly, the guard tells poor Jose to climb the flagpole if he wants to see the game. And that's what Jose did.
Well, it was time to start the game, and everyone stood up to sing the National Anthem. Jose watches the game in amazement and joy. When it was over, he slid down the flagpole and hitchhikes his way back over the border to Mexico.
When he finally gets home, all his friends ask him, "So, Jose, how was
eet, the baseball game?"
And Jose replies, "Eet was wonderful, amigos. The people in America are so kind! The first thing they did, even before they start the game, was to ask me, "Jose, can you see?"
You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
You get to work and find a 60 MINUTES news team waiting in your office.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
You turn on the evening news and they are showing emergency routes out of the city.
Your twin forgets your birthday.
Your 4-year-old tells you that it's ALMOST impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
You realize that you just sprayed spot remover under your arms instead of deoderant.
You discover that your 12-year-old's idea of humor is putting crazy glue in your preperation H.
You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
Your cat abandons the nice box you prepared for her and has her kittens in your dresser drawer.
It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.
You wake up to the soothing sounds of running water...and remember that you just bought a waterbed.
You spend $75 at the hair dressers and when you get home your dog starts barking at you.
Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
You wake up and your braces are stuck together.
You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of yur business.
Your income tax refund check bounces.
You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
Your husband says "Good Morning, Mary" and you name is Sharon.
You call your wife and tell her that you would like to eat out tonight and when you get home there is a sandwich on the front porch.
Your aunt Maudeie who has two poodles and a chihuahua tells you that her doctor just recommended plenty of rest in a warm, dry climate...and you live in Arizona.
Airline food starts to taste good.
Your mother approves of the person your dating.
Your doctor tells you that you are allergic to chocolate chip cookies.
You have to borrow from your Visa to pay off you Mastercard.
You realize that you have memorized the back of your cereal box.
Nothing you own is actually paid for.
Everyone loves your driver's liscence picture.
Your kids start treating you the same way you treated your parents.
You compliment the boss' wife on her unusual perfume and she isn't wearing any.
The health inspector condemns your office coffee maker.
The restaurant check has been on the table for ten minutes...and no one has touched it.
You look out the window of the airplane and the BF Goodrich blimp is gaining on you.
You invite the peeping tom in...and he says no.
The gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money.
People think you are 40...and you are.
You notice dandruff...on your umbrella.
The worst player on the gold course wants to play you for money.
You are pigging out at McDonald's by yourself and the manager orders the numbers on the sign outside changed.
Ever happen to you?
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.
MILITARISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".
BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shui is bad.
ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.
TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You just got to have some of this milk.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
ARIES: Just one. You want to make something of it?
TAURUS: One, but just try to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.
GEMINI: Two, but the job never gets done -- they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!
CANCER: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.
LEO: Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.
VIRGO: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.
LIBRA: Er, two. Or maybe one. No-on second thought, make that two. Is that OK with you?
SCORPIO: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchial Order.
SAGITARIUS: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
CAPRICORN: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.
AQARIUS: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so...
PISCES: Light bulb? What light bulb?
Legend has it that Roy Rogers was quite upset
one day when he found out that a bobcat
had chewed up his brand new cowboy boots.
He got his rifle and a few ranch hands
and headed out to hunt the bobcat down.
A few hours later he rode back into the ranch
with the dead bobcat tied to the back of Trigger.
Dale came out to meet him singing ,
"Pardon me, Roy, is that the cat that chewed you new shoes?"
These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men in the really cute robes, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.
He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her too.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to
"persuade" them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop.
Terrified, they did so - thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
A couple of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Ninth under the baton of Milton Batter. At this point, you must understand two things:
1. Bass players hate playing Beethoven's 9th. There's a long
segment in this symphony where the bass violins don't have
a thing to do... not a single note for page after page!
2. There's a tavern called Dez's 400 right across the street from
the Seattle Opera House, rather favored by local musicians.
It had been decided that during this performance, after the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the Ninth, they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage rather than sit on their stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes. Well, once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and have a few brews.
They had quickly downed the first couple rounds when one said, "Shouldn't we be getting back? It'd be awfully embarrassing if we were late."
Another (presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the first place) replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I tied a string around the last pages of the conductor's score. When he gets down to there, Batter's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with he other." So they had another round and finally returned to the Opera House, a little tipsy by now. However, as they came back on stage, one look at their conductor's face told them they were in serious trouble.
And if you thought things couldn't get worse, both first stand players soon passed out right in their chairs! Batter was furious and on the verge of completely loosing it, as he began making gestures at the bases while trying to finish the piece and flip tied pages. But the absolute *worst* part of it: (brace yourself)
Batter was up at the bottom of the Ninth, the score was tied with the basses loaded and two men out.
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
... Polaroids.