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It never went away.. just always managed to subdue it.. to pretend that it went away.. but it never goes away.. never.. this song decribes a little of wat I’m feeling.. I still haven’t found a place that I call home.. and I never stick around quite long enough to make it.. yesterday a bitter realisation tore my heart apart.. “I destroy all who love me.. and I love all who don’t love me..” its really pathetic how 22 years down the road I’m still the same.. just so many lies and deceits.. and I realise that the biggest lies I ever told was to myself.. for the ones I loved I gave up myself.. for the rebellion in me I gave up more of myself.. I’m living my dreams.. now.. but I can’t seem to find myself.. I can’t seem to live me.. I don’t know how to do it.. I don’t know me anymore.. how did I lose myself.. how did I pretend so well.. that I’ve even fooled myself.. where does the truth lie? I can’t find it.. who’s got the manuscript? The master copy? I don’t.. who does? I need it.. I can’t seem to find it.. I just can’t.. with all the silenced dreams and silenced voices.. I led a life pretending that I am happy.. so they wouldn’t worry.. and with this pretense.. I became someone else.. and I convinced myself that that’s who I really am.. such good play acting.. I can’t seem to remember where I left the manuscript.. I need to.. but I’m so tired.. so spiritless.. its hard fathoming myself.. I know that people spend years trying to chase after me.. to catch me.. but whenever they think they’ve got me.. I proved too elusive.. if only they knew that I have even eluded myself.. why? Why can’t I seem to catch on to me.. to hold on to myself.. ?”I just wanna be me.. I just wanna live my life.. “ but who am I? So many different stages I’ve acted on.. so many dialogues I’ve memorised for the plays.. the script that I’ve even helped to write myself sometimes.. that I forgot when the show has ended.. I’ve stepped off the stage.. the lights have all been dimmed.. soo long ago.. the silence rings out throughout the theatre.. and in this darkness.. I can’t find my way out.. I can’t even find myself.. like an empty shell.. so empty.. when will all this ever end? When will it go away.. this bittersweet sadness.. that seems all too familiar.. so god-damn familiar.. so endless..

I haven't ever really found a place that I call home
I never stick around quite long enough to make it
I apologize that once again I'm not in love
But it's not as if I mind
that your heart ain't exactly breaking

It's just a thought, only a thought

But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

I've always thought
that I would love to live by the sea
To travel the world alone
and live more simply
I have no idea what's happened to that dream
As there's really nothing left here to stop me

It's just a thought, only a thought

But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

While my heart is a shield and I won't let it down
While I am so afraid to fail so I won't even try
Well how can I say I'm alive

But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

Coz nothing I have is truly mine,
Coz nothing I have is truly mine,
Coz nothing I have is truly mine.

Been travelling around the past 6 weeks..dived Tioman then Kuantan Wreck http://divecove.ivanshirleen.com and finally shopped Bangkok. will be heading for a live on board dive trip to WWII wrecks in bout 3 weeks... think I should be feeling really contented and peaceful.. yet I can’t quite disregard this naggin feeling.. just so I don’t know.. confused? Like I’m standing at the crossroads and I’ve got my life written out so nicely.. everything’s in place as it should be.. yet I’m not quite sure this is where I wanna head.. kinda revamping this place.. so its kinda haphazard.. just as i am right now.. 4 trips in a span of 2 months.. kinda exhausting really.. and with my 5 babies.. i hardly have the time to stop and think.. can't quite finger it.. but i can see it lurking round the corner.. decided to keep to this domain.. as it becomes so clear that nothingness is ever as complicated.. what is it that's so complicated right now? nothing... really..

Been visiting Kino & borders these few weeks.. reading books like Prozac Nation, Tomorrow's God, Get Me out of here, blackbird, in the dark .. all psychology memoirs and stuff.. and its scaring me.. especially Get me out of here.. her tots and personality.. her two selves.. Toughie & Vulno.. the constant tug of war within me.. my vulnerable self.. that trusts everybody, finds love in everything and anyone, the self that's all too dependent on everyone, the side the yearns to be loved for who i really am.. and the tough side.. where i'm cynical about the world.. where i'm so god-damned independent, the side that hides my vulnerable side.. more often than not.. my tough side wins.. that's what's with all the rebelliousness.. the bitchiness. the "i-really-dun-give-a-damn" side.. and its such a tough struggle.. and like her i can't imagine much of a compromise... more often than not.. ever since sec school.. when i realised i had to onli myself to rely on.. i've had even more difficulty in pushing the tough side away.. which i used to mask away the times when i was hurt.. to show others that i'll never be brought down.. but in the silence of the nite.. more often than not.. i'm hurting.. it seems almost inevitable that i ought to continue.. too many painful memories i've so painstakingly blotted away.. clean forgotten.. have to dig them all up no matter how.. to put a stop to all the uncontrollable trembling.. the nightmare that tortures me.. and the ones who love me.. for each glimpse of the vulnerability in me.. there's a even higher wall to scale than before.. i just can't.. and it hurts to know that i hurt all who loves me.. and love all who don't...

October's been A-Splendid..Been working for my parents for coming 6 months.. and i dun believe i'm actually saying this but i actually look forward to work.. maybe cos its more about creativity.. designing.. market survey.. seems like arts project.. of course the funnest part's working with my parents.. and of cos the afternoon spas, coffees *oops* ok.. at least this place lets me work the way i work best.. basically i'm free till next yr June cos i've prepared the entire collection for Jan thru June.. that's the way i like it.. and of cos everyday's something new.. suits me!! BUT i'd give anything to be travelling 4 times in 6 weeks again!! till Ivan can get his exit permit ba.. then it'd be in and outta Singapore.. every month.. YES i promise you.. i've always been a free spirit.. and Spore just drains it outta me..

haven't been diving for 3 months.. cos Ivan's just started NS.. really looking forward to our Manado, Phuket, Bali dive trips.. hopefully we'll be able to squeeze in one Cebu trip year end.. i'm suffocating!! Life just seems to be filled with so much right now.. splendid, fabulous things.. Been house-hunting and car-hunting.. hopefully we'll be able to get a really secluded area.. can't stand the milling crowds.. just really excited to start the rest of my life with YOU..

of course life's pretty much healthier now.. yoga, jogging, doggy outings.. really can't thank God enough for the friends i've found in Chibud.. really solid friends that stretches over everything.. and its so much more amazing that many of us are in the same industries.. the endless chats, coffees, i've never met friends who give so much.. and takes notice of the smallest details and surprises me time after time.. just doesn't seem like we onli met in this life.. weird.. but outtasite!

Having met Jonathan, Samuel, Roger after 2 years, can't really recognise them personality wise.. sometimes.. God leaves me speechless.. just can't tell u guys how proud i am of you.. can you believe it? Samuel's doing his degree now in RSAF??

Basically, i'm happy.. Happier than i've ever been.. and i am actually enjoying every moment.. and feeling it with every inch of my soul.. now it explains why i can't write fluently, can't do poems.. and everything sounds so gummy.. ah.. "D".. where are you?? kinda ironic.. but its nice too when you're here..

Its really so amazing, just reminiscing about this 2 years with you.. how we started.. its just outta this world.. and the question i've always asked.. which heaven did you fall from? its so unbelievable that 2 years down the road, your love's never faltered, never once did you turn away from me.. the patience you have, the sweetness and unconditional love you give.. there's really no other like you that i've ever met in my life.. you're everything i've ever dreamt of.. the perfect white wedding.. and God just couldn't have done it better.. that along with you, you opened the path to my dreams.. and i have everything i ever need and want to be contented.. its such an understatement.. contented?.. when i wanna shout it down from the highest mountains.. do fish talk in the deepest oceans.. as cliched as it may sound, you complete me.. the house we'll come to call our own.. tiny bubbles just bloop thru my entire self just so excited!! can't wait for the day they hand us our key.. and of cos.. exchanging our vows, wedding bands.. and of cos my almost 1 carat ring.. *lol* just never in my life i could have dreamt of meeting someone like you.. the way you always pucker ur lips before we kiss, the way you long lashes makes your twinkling eyes sooo kissable!! the way ur sleepy eyes flutter open and the morning smiles that spreads across your face.. how can you love me the way you do?? the way you've put me back together and kissed every tender spots i have.. the way you make me wanna laugh even thru the tears.. did i tell you lately.. thanks.. for loving me.. thank you for you..

Baby, can't wait till we can be traveling again.. really missed the short 1 1/2 mths we had after attachment.. the crazy travelling.. the endless dives.. the endless time we have just the 2 of us.. thanks for making my dreams come true.. perhaps.. one day i would have collected bottles of sand from every shore.. and i wouldn't have to send it to you.. cos you'll be by my side..

Its been so many years.. way back when i was still 17? and i guess we never really set out on the rite note.. and so many viciousness and delusions and hypocrites and green-eyed mons around us.. somethings i could have sworn i never said.. never would.. cos from the first day i'd met, beauty just filled me aways.. and i could have sworn.. the familiar setting.. bout getting her gifts, how she'd be like a dream little one to me.. and they'd say.. maybe she wouldn't wanna be your little one.. so many mix and matches.. my mind's so fried its kinda beyond recollecting everything.. but i think i could have sworn that i'd never.. never went out to bring her down.. nor discarded him before he was anybody.. and wanted to possess him after he became someone.. it wasn't like that.. but thru the years.. i guess i've given up explaining myself.. why.. am i just predestined to be the misunderstood soul just because i was born at a time when the stars were aligned in such a way.. why.. just because i'm aquarian?? or maybe I fried my brains.. and i'm really as horrid as she makes me out to be..

and my eyes sting just thinking of it.. the queasy excitement.. the dampness within my palms.. the racing of the heart.. the quick roll of a note.. a quick sniff.. as your head rolls to the sky.. the instant stinging at the back of the head.. your eyes flicker.. exhaling a breath so sacred.. and then for that brief moment.. the silence.. all at one.. all in one cheap bag..

Was at yoga with mum.. throughout the whole meditation part.. supposed to be in the present rite here rite now.. but my mind kept floating away.. the cold claminess just grabbed at my heart.. must be the coffee session with the baos till 4am last week.. that started this train of tots.. this coldness i can't shake off.. i guess i'm coming to terms with many things from my past.. slowly.. spoke to my parents these few months at work.. lotsa trashing.. they didn't outright apologise.. but the acknowledgement that things might have been wrong.. was enough to lay the beast to rest.. i mean.. wat i've longed for and searched for all my life.. that i've so blindly stupidly scrambled after wasn't apologies.. but just an acknowledgement that yes.. i've been misunderstood.. but sumtime's the simplest things are the most complicated.. damn..

Just spurred on to do everything i've always wanted to do.. like Bike.. i can't go back to bike pracs.. cos i've become so self-conscious.. too much.. so many fears.. i still laugh out loud at myself.. and still do stupid things and dun give a damn.. really hope one day i can be who i used to be when i was young.. the loud one who spoke wat her heart desired.. who rode high against the world.. the little one who didn't care how stupid she looked.. and then now i mind too much..

mosta the time.. i just sit in my silence and watch them.. there's really so much to be seen if you just keep silent.. the fire that used to burn so bright in me.. that made me the "special" child.. fizzled out.. and i've grown out of the child.. why did she have to speak the truth? why did she have to go outright and ride against the world? why couldn't she just agree with the majority? why couldn't she have been a crowd pleaser? why couldn't she have been more meek? why couldn't she just not stand out? but i was happy then.. and i loved myself then.. and now i'm defeated.. preferring the silent solitude of the background..

who’s got the manuscript? The master copy? I don’t.. who does? I need it.. I can’t seem to find it.. I just can’t.. with all the silenced dreams and silenced voices.. I led a life pretending that I am happy.. so those who care wouldn't worry.. and those who hurt me.. wouldn't noe they've hurt me real good.. and with this pretense.. I became someone else.. and I convinced myself that that’s who I really am.. such good play acting.. I can’t seem to remember where I left the manuscript.. I need to.. but I’m so tired.. so spiritless.. its hard fathoming myself.. I know that people spend years trying to chase after me.. to catch me.. but whenever they think they’ve got me.. I proved too elusive.. if only they knew that I have even eluded myself.. why? Why can’t I seem to catch on to me.. to hold on to myself.. ?”I just wanna be me.. I just wanna live my life.. “ but who am I? So many different stages I’ve acted on.. so many dialogues I’ve memorised for the plays.. the script that I’ve even helped to write myself sometimes.. that I forgot who am i.. I’ve stepped off the stage.. the lights have all been dimmed.. soo long ago.. the silence rings out throughout the theatre.. and in this darkness.. I can’t find my way out.. this bittersweet sadness.. that seems all too familiar..

i've given up the idea of owning a car now.. it was either have the money to travel as and when i like OUTTA S'pore.. or travel as and when i like AROUND S'pore.. guess which i chose? of cos.. i couldn't live if i had just bot a car and have to sit and grumble and scrimp my ass off before i can go on a trip.. anything more than a few weeks in Singapore drives me perilously over the edge.. like what i'm experiencing now.. and then it drives me to do stupid things.. ya.. buying things.. it makes me happy.. only up till i collect the shopping bag.. after that i'm beating myself up for the money i've spent!! ARGH.. but they're worth the money.. i wouldn't pay that for clothes.. just doesn't make sense.. BUT Guess? watches, bags and shoes are the same price as so many average brands around! can u believe this pair of shoes costs the same as normal trackies?? this watch same as the ones of DKNY?? and this bag.. hmm don't think i'd get a Gucci coin pouch in exchange! but still i'm quite pleased that >70% of my pay goes to my savings.. and it really takes me 1 yr to decide to buy sumthing more than 50 bucks! wahaa.. that's how the watch came along.. WAIT!! it wasn't me!! the other two Mr Shoes and Mrs Bag came along with the watch.. *big grin*

this past month blew a bit on Caramel's vet fees.. yeesh.. someone ever mentioned that 2 of my dogs came into my life to collect debts from me.. but well... "I LOVE IT!!!!!" "I'M ENJOYING EVERY MOMENT OF IT" call me *fan jian* but my Chibuddians.. you all are too!! i just love them SOOOOOO much.. and they never fail to put smiles on my face even at the darkest times.. even when i've totally fried my brains at work.. they just mean everything to me.. updates on my babies.. 2 are still really babies.. Caramel and Rhea both pushing 1 yr old yet only 1/2 Puppy's weight.. Caramel's still 1.3kg Rhea's 1kg.. Yeesh!! and Chubby.. hmm i wouldn't dare weigh her.. it'd be nice if all could reach Puppy's 2kg.. Rhea still prances like a deer.. Caramel still squeezes herself all over my face.. Puppy.. still lovely and babyish at 10 yrs old.. and Chubby.. still so Jack Russelish!!

In order.. Puppy Prince, Pinky Angel, Princess Caramel, Chubby Chubby, Rhea Love

a) my Family
b) my 5 doggies
c) my Ivan
d) my Diving.. yes its MINE!! no one better take that away from me!!
e) I'm a marine biologist! Ha! that's my dream though.. but a to d more than makes up for having to give up this dream just FOR a to c how ironic..

went to HDB yesterday with Ivan to check out the Punggol or Sengkang estates.. *sigh* all the 5rooms are sold out left with only those on the lower floors and other ethnic races.. *groan* my 2 favourite areas.. so quiet.. went to see the showrooms too.. so lovely.. really can't wait to have my own pad. but still a part of me dun wanna "grow up" gosh i didn't know HDB cost 250k++.. think maybe it mite be more worthwhile getting an apartment..

Met my brothers today.. Geoff, Darren, Aaron, Jackson, Roy!! its been so long since we've met up.. but it seemed like we never spent a moment apart.. the comfort and ease and "chemistry" was all there! I just miss our old times soo much! Really so proud of each of them.. Roy is going on to his degree, Geoff is going to R.O.M. soon, Aaron with his gf for 2yrs odd and working his way up his career, Darren's doing what he loves - chef, Jackson is a happily married dad and so matured now! *sigh* guess no matter how much stability our life provides now.. we can't help but glance backwards.. its not really each other that we've left behind.. but the rebellious child in us.. I'm just such a lucky girl.. with all of them who loved me so dearly.. who treat me like their little princess.. who went thru so much thick and thin with me.. I love all of ya!!

Damn.. gotta change this job of mine.. makes me read all those terrible magazine with their ever-tempting advertisements and the market surveys with all those shopping!! *gosh* nearly conned my mum into buying it.. she said she liked it too.. but after a while, she said its too young for her.... *bangs head* and i can't ask her to get me this for X'mas cos she's already paying 3k+ for my veneers!! but again i think i'd die with my conscience screaming at me if she ever bought this for me.. sometimes i wished and prayed that i didn't have such an active conscience.. wahhahahaha *evil grin* well maybe after i get my year-end bonus & commission ba..

then again.. i'd much rather save up for the coming Asian Dive Expo in April to complete my dive gears.. and book more trips.. this time to somewhere further.. really hope Ivan can get his exit permit.. then we can go to Manado during CNY. 6 day trip.. 1.2k anybody interested?? Manado.. one of the MUST-DIVE spots in the world..

can you believe it? I had to fill up my own form to get my supp card?? i had to fill it up and bring it right up to my dad to sign it!! yes.. he has promised it for 2 years.. since my 21st.. and i'm turning 23 in Feb.. how pathetic is that?! *grumbles*

these 2 weeks have been miserable.. cos my Ivan's in sum jungle in taiwan.. went to sign up for a IPL package and Chemical Peel package.. i dun really like going alone to beauty salons.. i end up buying more than i'm supposed to just cos my brain goes blank and i get all tongue-tied and stupid.. and i get so shy to say no.. OMG!! it pisses me off.. i don't believe it.. scrimping and saving for 5 months.. and then i just blew $1000 in 1 day.. i feel like choking myself now..

Tanjung Pinang was more impressive than i'd expected.. the kelong was more like a resort.. very huge.. we had the VIP room with 2 bedrooms.. hehehe check out the love beds!! even has mirrors all around!! oh and it had a toilet bowl and even a bathtub!! wowee!! we played mahjong.. pool.. and went for massage and scrub!! didn't fish cos i've given that up.. went with my Bao Beis..

*sigh* again i have to stress the unbelievable way our paths intertwines.. 10yrs, 7yrs Grace & I came from MGS.. Joshua & Jocelyn from CJC.. Joshua and Ros are my bestfriends and classmates in CJC.. the 3 notorious people.. god-children of the discipline master.. not cos we're bad.. but its cos he truly likes us!! :P and i dunnoe how we ended up in the same class in NYP biotech!! its really so weird!! but i'm thankful nonetheless.. together, we've seen each other's bitchy sides, adorable sides.. yes we are adorable sometimes too.. through midnight day-before exams madness.. endless kopitiam sessions.. the bitching.. the laughing.. i dunnoe why but when we're together at the end of the day we always cramp up with unstoppable laughters.. seen the tears and joy.. seen each other fall and soar.. babes.. i love you all.. yes even you Joshua Huang.. my favouritest soul-twin!!

Today's Rhea's 1st Birthday.. this 1 year has been filled with so much tears and laughters and lotsa love.. initially she came with lotsa health concerns.. always worried sick that she wouldn't make it.. with all the poor prognosis.. but today she proved us wrong.. she's officially 1 yr old and growing stronger and plumper and cuter with each passing day!! she still hops and prances like a deer instead of walking or running she just hops from place to place.. she's still 1kg.. and barely more than 10-11".. but she's claimed a special spot in my heart with her cuteness, teh-ness, spirit and capacity for love!! Rhea.. i LOVE you!!!!! Happy Birthday!!

Went to Jillian's Birthday right after we finished the cake for Rhea.. compiled her poems into a book for her.. was something i'd always wanted to give her back in '03.. thought i'd never have the chance to give it to her.. but thanks to her generousity.. its finally made its way into her hands.. and we made sum1 eat his words! *bleah* was really nice seeing all the old faces.. had a good time catching up with them.. and just so glad tat everyone's so far from where they started out from.. God works in mysterious ways.. my two specialest people.. i do love you both in my own clumsy ways.. Happy Birthday Jill!! may happiness find your keep!

sorry Shao Chang i couldn't remember your name.. even though we spent a good 2 yrs hanging out.. really.. its weird with my big memory lapses.. but at the same time, i should be thankful.. sumtimes forgetting is a lucky thing.. but it sucks when its the good stuff i should be remembering and i don't! better to note down in case i've really got brain degeneration.. my two specialest people from long ago.. Jill & Johny, Andrew, Shao Chang, Joel.. thanks for the old times! one of the most painful yet fondest memories that i hold dear to my heart!

Finally found my bangkok pics.. tot i'd lost them.. was actually in my old camera.. yay!
really miss that time.. right after graduation and we were traveling every week or so..
4 trips in 6 weeks.. the kinda life i like.. can't wait for Ivan to be able to take leave from army..
yucks.. why does he have to be in commandos? he's schedule's so busy..
even back when we had school, we still traveled every month...

i really need to travel.. the only thing that keeps me satisfied to be even breathing singapore's air..
compromises.. now my family is happy that i'm working here and not on a full-fledged pursue of my dreams..
and i'm contented just traveling and doing the things i love.. yet still being able to be with the people i love..

its been too long.. i need to dive.. i need to fly.. i need to be free.. i need to breathe..

Had X'mas eve dinner at swensen's.. kinda hard to find a good place to eat that will cater to the veggie-ppl and meat-ppl!! Had a wonderful time.. lotsa cuckoo things we did.. and it was just such a warm feeling going back to swensen's at thomson plaza like we used to go every saturday after my ballet classes when i was a kid! i LOVE nostalgic stuff! anytime more than new things.. so give me sumthing that has been with u for a long time and means much to you as compared to store bought gifts anytime!

Ivan finally got a long long book-out.. thurs thru mon.. we wanted to make it down to bali but it was just too rushed! insted we spent the entire 5 days just catching up on all the loving and talking and laughter we've been missing out on! You make me love you more and more with each passing day.. thanks for the unconditional love you've given me this 2 years that never once faltered! went to eat Boneless duck at bouna vista and then to harbour front.. used to go there to eat so often.. every weekend after boating, we'd surely drop by to have some boneless duck.. those were the days!! just the boat.. sun.. sand.. sea.. fishing.. daddy & mummy & syl & kor! I LOVEEEEE all of you guys soooooooo much!!

Went to Chibuddy BBQ at Sembawang park on the 17th!! Puppy looks so lost in the pic and its so funny that he was the only dog in focus whereas the rest are sorta in motion mode caught in this pic! poor Caramel was cold from the winds and finally stopped shivering after Ivan placed her inside his shirt!! Thanks Chibuddies for the lovely lovely dinner and everything else you've given me.. the 4 lovely gifts and the gift of your friendships! its OUTTA THIS WORLD!

~~Saturday, 31st December 2005~~ Cousins- the best friendships, the best hangout buddies..

Congratulations Florence & Archer! Baby's Anreeve's First Month Celebration!! Met up with all my cousins on my mum's side.. these fantastic people who's given me endless laughter, the best friendships, the most talented KTV ppl, the crankiest, most fun-loving and simple people i've ever known in my life.. the people who still treats me like a little kid thou i'm way past the legal age for smoking.. i am so loved!! family.. its really the greatest gift and creation God thought of.. I LOVE you guys.. and its really neat that we're one big family.. with the greatest friendships ever!! *mmuacks*