Tuesday, 3rd February 2004, 04:00  spiralling down an eternal darkness  

just feel that i'm slipping into the big D again.. 

Met up with old friends.. and Princess.. just had some hard cold facts shoved in my face.. i know its beginning to show that i'm not truly happy.. i'm grateful and contented with all the i have.. the sweetest life can ever be.. yet with each joy.. lurks the blatant truth that i'll never be complete.. cos i've lost you.. its hard to lie to myself when everyone else sees it so clearly.. how can someone incomplete ever love someone else whole-heartedly.. ? that with each new hurt i turn cold.. with each disappointment i lose heart.. stop the guessing game.. stop the follies.. dun want to try anew anymore.. retreat within myself.. and let me love you whole-heartedly all by myself.. at least even if it hurts.. it will be because of my own doings.. and it wouldn't be of something new... but a 4 year old pain that i'm so used to.. pinning the day God takes me back.. and maybe then He'll give me the answers that i'll never find for as long as i breathe...  
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So many old ghosts... wouldn't really say that.. cos you never really died.. i've tried to put u to sleep.. but u refuse to sleep.. in wide wakefulness.. taste the most bittersweet.. i've tried to be everything that you wanted.. from the rotten days till the light.. i've moved on cos that's what you'd want for me... i'm trying so hard.. yet at the end of the day i'm burning in emptiness.. this smile that i wear.. the happiness i promised you i'd find.. i've found it haven't i? then someone please explain the tears that's flowing down my cheeks... tell me now that this is what you want me to do.. just tell me that its right.. just tell me that i'll be all rite.. and i will.. i will be the happiest.. i will be the best i can be.. i will wear a smile.. i'll look happy.. just as long as you tell me that its what you want.. don't keep me guessing.. this unrest.. keeps me up wondering what is it you want me to do.. what you want me to be.. don't you know now that i'll do anything for you? don't you know? or maybe.. u've never wanted anything for me.. simply because i never existed.. and never will.. silence.. i know its not true... i know.. it has to be.. doesn't it? 

Thursday, 5th February 2004, 01:00  in the dark..   

How do you get so high and fall so far? you know what's crushed? that's what i am now.. can't look myself in the eye.. everything i've worked for.. for a friendship.. but my whole life's written out by you people.. just hurts to think that you think of me that way... how well do you know me? from what others feed u with? were you here to witness the brokenness? the never-ending pain that sears right through my heart time and time again? you tell me that i'm filled with love.. to love someone.. how am i supposed to do that with someone when you were the one who taught me what it was to love? through letting you go i've learnt what it was to truly love.. 

i've made a promise to God... wake up.. i made a vow.. "i just wish he would keep his head above water.. find the sand beneath his feet.. and finally reach the shore.. such a simple wish.. a wish that i would beg God to make come true.. in exchange of being together with him.. I can take the pain.. the emptiness.. let life's curse be upon me.. and i will walk away in silence.. God.. just keep him safe in your hands..." and seeing you so happy.. i know my wish had come true.. what more can i ask? my wish came true.. and i have to keep my vows.. I'm trying to be happy.. trying to smile for you.. i'm finding the courage to accept God's will.. yet it tears me apart to know that i don't even have you as a friend to keep.. the whole irony of this.. laughing so loud at my stupidity.. my failures.. my failures.. gonna hide away.. back in my own world.. study hard.. get out of this place.. till then i'll forget that i feel.. i'll forget what happiness is.. i'll forget what love is.. cos without these.. there'll be no sadness.. no hurt.. you've got nothing to lose when you've got nothing at all... 

"God, take me home.. let me sleep in Your arms tonight.. tomorrow.. teach me Your face again.. let me hear Your voice.. and tell me again what You've set me out to be.. this time i won't falter.. tell me You love me once more.. just once more.. cos i.. love You.." 

Sunday, 8th February 2004, 23:00  entangled webs  

 did a painting on friday my first water colour painting.. entangled in webs of deceit and lies.. webs she will not let go of...  her hands are bound by the people she loves.. and thrown into the troubled ocean.. a key hangs around her neck.. which she can free herself with.. torn and crushed, she's surrendered her soul.. drowning.. death seems so sweet..

this painting isn't completed.. dun see my big fat name there.. deciding if i should fill in the space with water.. or leave it.. questions!!! decisions!!! just wanna escape from everything.. 

just picked up a portrait a really sweet guy drew for his ex to be delivered with flowers on Vday.. its just so sweet.. and soo beautiful.. gave me some pointers on drawing portrait.. and fine advice for fine art.. two words.. "No Bread" how true.. but that's what i wanna do.. really wished i could throw myself into art.. take some serious art lesson.. maybe after i graduate from biotech.. so many maybes.. *sigh* yes another resolution not to have kids.. used to wanna have lotsa kids.. but i've silenced all my dreams for my family.. can't wait to graduate.. just another year.. and i'll be outta this forsaken place.. breathing in fresh air.. tasting a little of my dream.. and maybe art.. will upload a clearer picture.. just can't get it under the lights.. can't make the tones and details stand out in the pic.. hmmms.. and forget the details.. cos she's underwater.. and the light streaks and stuff... blurred *bleah*

LIfe's irony.. its starting to seem so clear now.. that "alone" is the key.. i dun need anybody.. anything.. just my parents.. papertalk and my doggy.. and that's enough! been so peaceful these few days.. emotionless.. people are trying to reach me.. but i've lost myself somewhere.. but isn't this nice? emotionlessly stable? i hear the songs that the winds sing.. feel the breeze's gentle caress on my face.. and the silence.. i'm all by myself now.. 

Monday, 9th February 2004, 23:00  .... ripples..  

feel really at peace with myself though.. had 4 hr break today.. at the kopitiam opp sch.. didn't know he was there.. till i turned around and saw him.. *sigh* he's such a sight.. feeling all gigglish and secondary school girlish.. kinda stupid though.. and today got my birthday present from my Bao Bao and Bao Bei!! my diamond earrings!!! they're really sooo sweet... !! i love you Baos!! soo much!! today's such a nice day.. just feels a little like i'm a bystander watching myself.. no more crying spells today.. *sigh*  *grins* k.. hear ur screams.. ya dunoe his name.. dunoe which dept sch he's frm.. onli noe that i'm wishing i'll getta see him again tmr!! *:)*

Tuesday, 10th February 2004, 03:00  i'm about to break..  

woke up late for school.. kept up again last nite.. *sigh* today got into trouble with my ringing phone.. and was soo irritated and stressed.. nearly bawled in front of Josh.. thank god i didn't.. it'd be so embarrassing.. slept a total of 12 hrs over these 3 nites.. now i know that people can actually survive on 4 hrs of sleep.. i'm really going to break down.. Back off!! when i'm cornered and backed against the wall.. i bite.. i'm really sorry.. i'm about to break.. 

walked outta school for Kopitiam session.. didn't notice him till he was walking pass.. caught his eyes.. that puppy look.. haiyohs!! and the rest of school was soo sweet.. till i missed class just to answer some absurd calls.. in the end had to walk round school cos it was too late to go back to class.. just as we started walking.. he rode pass.. alamaks.. i'm turning into a poop.. *sigh* no school tmr.. no puppy looks.. nothing to brighten my day.. 

just wanna go and sleep.. but i can't.. just feel so high strung and i'm about to go crazy.. how u make things up in your head.. and i'm on the receiving end of it all.. get yelled at for things i do outta my heart.. but u just screw up everything in your head.. and really amazes me how you can turn something good into something totally so devious... dun wanna hear your explanations.. dun wanna hear anything anymore.. once again i need to run away... the ringing question in my head.. "why don't people ever cherish me.. break every single promise.. tear me down.. and when i learn to walk away.. u tell me that you noe it now.. that you're sorry..?" in a world so absurd.. it breaks my heart to think that true love onli exists for the two hours that i'm lost in a movie..  

Monday, 16th February 2004, 16:00   Kopitiam Kakis..  

Bao Biao (Sara), Dua Huei (Joshua), Bao Bao (Grace), Bao Beis (Jocelyn & Me) !! the old people in class.. Dua Huei and Bao Bei are both from CJC with me.. Dua Huei's my classmate in CJC.. Bao Bao was my MGS schmate.. and its such a small world that we're all together.. all over again.. even Big Bao Rosalie.. who was frm CJC then to NYP.. guess fate has mysterious ways of working.. all hung out cos we smoked.. but somehow we've become inseparable.. from schmates to soulmates.. really can't thank God enough for all of you.. just wanna let you guys noe that i love you.. i really do.. *muacks*

Sunday, 15th February 2004, 16:43  Officially an adult.. 

Its my birthday and i'm stoning at home.. last week i learnt that ppl could survive on 4  hours of sleep.. these few days with wrapping flowers.. the deliveries.. i've learnt that I could actually still be alive now with 1 hr of sleep.. my fingers are numb and hurting.. 39 bouquets.. *sobs*.. but i'm 21!!!! Kor kor came down to bring me for dinner.. and Mum hugged me for the longest time and planted countless kisses all over my face.. and Mei mei gave me 21 kisses.. and Daddy.. he bit me 21 times... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

its my birthday.. hmm i'm happy.. but feeling kinda rolling rounding.. just trying to pretend it isn't my birthday.. that i'm not 21.. *sigh* dun wanna grow up.. cancelled my bday party.. cos kinda wanna spend it thinking about the past 21 years of my life.. hmmm... 

Wednesday, 18th February 2004, 17:00   Insanity.. 

the verdict is never leave me alone with Grace.. Bao Bao.. the two of us just end up doing crazy things.. saw Puppy-Vern today at the Kopitiam.. and she just kept looking over till his friends started laughing and looking.. *blush* did something i've never done before.. but somehow glad i did.. its like the same old "Follow your heart" girl i used to be.. cos somehow felt that i've lost a part of me.. when i hid away all the memories.. things i can't even recall.. people telling me events that happened.. and i don't even have a vague idea of what they're talking about..  know i need to face the dark stuff that i've hidden.. that i've no idea where i hid them.. then only can i truly move on.. but what if i unleashed them.. and fall apart? what if this is a wrong decision? what if it tears apart everything i've worked so hard to build? the tiny glimpse of joy i see every now and then.. isn't it better than none? but then again.. how can i ever be truly happy.. if i don't feel.. guess if one wants to know true happiness.. then one has to learn to deal with the sadness.. 

Thursday, 19th February 2004, 19:30   10:30.. 

saw Puppy at the Kopitiam again.. keep bumping into him everywhere these few days.. alamaks.. just wished that the floor would open up and swallow me up.. then suddenly got a msg from him.. *grinz* asked me to his workplc.. haiyaya.. Bao Bao was delirious.. its so sweet that she's even more excited than me.. wun deny that i was too.. :) got lotsa dirty look from the lecturer cos we were like squirming and making lotsa noise in our seats.. was kinda shocked and didn't noe what to reply.. suddenly just chickened out.. while i was pondering watta reply.. met him at the bridge.. BaoBao just waved at him and walked to the other side so i'd turn to talk to her and face him.. so i let her talk to my back.. haha i just couldn't bring myself to face him... wat if i never... started sms-ing bout pets and stuff.. and his doggy's soo cute.. really dunoe where this is heading.. i dunoe.. just that my heart led me here.. just hope that my heart's a little wiser this time.. 

*sigh* just can't wipe away the sadness and emptiness.. just feel so jaded and cynical.. i'm trying to be a cynic.. but with that i feel less alive.. i noe at the end of the day i'll choose to breathe... the last promise i made to myself.. never to become like the rest of society.. and everyday i hafta fite this battle.. 

"when you wake up tomorrow.. do something nice for someone.. no matter how small.. cos it may mean the world to that someone.. if 10 of you have read this and make that little effort.. then 20 ppl will be happier.. and this 20 people will touch another 20.. and tomorrow we'll have a happy world!! haha isn't that amazing?? and it all starts with YOU.." ps: I love YOU!

Friday, 20th February 2004, 19:30  bleah 

somehow turning more and more teary these few days.. but at the same time.. its like i'm healing.. letting go of loadsa stuff.. i noe i can't carry them forever.. i'm learning.. its just that i'm so angry and so disappointed with myself.. the 38 trophies sitting on my shelf a constant reminder of what i used to be.. from a Principal's pride and joy in primary school.. to a Principal's thorn in the eye in secondary.. staring at the name imprinted on the awards.. it feels so unfamiliar.. who is ShirleenNgHuiShan? is she me? how did the sweetheart at home break all the hearts at home? i noe its in the past.. i'm not ashamed of it.. my parents say it was just a growing phase.. and have been so happy for the past 4 years.. and are so proud of me.. but how does one forgive oneself? told Puppy about it.. and how mummy thinks that my paintings are depressed.. told him that its just an interest nothing fantastic.. "you need to have more faith in yourself" alamaks.. *touched* Samuel made me miss Puppy's call!! met him at the Kopitiam and managed a half-wave "Hi".. that nu-nu left shortly after and ":p" ......................... *sigh* was with BaoBao the whole time.. discussing about dep and stuff.. having gone thru a high grade depression herself.. yet she doesn't belittle nor deny me the rights to my feelings.. and tries her best to understand.. she's really such a sweetheart..

Saturday, 21st February 2004, 10:00   Waterbar^Puppy

Left school after Immuno meeting with BaoBao spent the afternoon straightening her hair for her.. and talking about Puppy... when my phone rang and *Puppy* flashed on the screen.. asked me again if i was going down today.. i pity Bao Bao who'd to put up with me after that call.. think i literally knocked her out of my bed with my bolster.. wasn't sure if i should go cos it's Rosalie's birthday and didn't want her to oblige me on her big 21.. but Bao Bao was slamming me back with the soft toys "hello? he called!! you'll have to go!!" we went to pick up Rosalie, DuaHuei, BaoBei and went down to ChinaBlack for a while.. what happened there made me wanna slap that *#@$!% face for what he did to Bao Bao.. really sickens me the way people put on a front.. lead people to believe in things that never exists and in Puppy's words.. "Choke slams" their heart on the floor.. if i could just get my hands round his sickly neck.. i'll "choke slam" him myself... 

Puppy msged again at 23:34 "Still coming?" yah.. saw him at Waterbar.. really wished i could just drown there.. *blush* the people there were really really fun.. found a new friend.. Rick who took stools for me and Bao Bao to sit.. and later spun me around in his arms like those tango dance? had so much fun there.. even though i was trying to blend into the surrounding.. didn't help when most of them were guys.. Rick's really really nice.. can't believe that the rest of the "high class" society people think that they're any better than them.. when i think that the people i met are way above the rest.. what i saw in him.. was this innocence.. an openess in accepting others and his concern.. Rick even msged us to apologise if he scared us just now.. when i just wanted to tell him how he's touched my heart tonight.. his heart so full of love.. one of the most kindred spirit i've ever met.. and we're going clubbing together again!!! when he took Joshua - DuaHuei and spun him around.. the look on Joshua's face was classic.. the poor boy.. i've never seen his "tian bu pa di bu pa" face turn poopish before.. lotsa things more to say.. and we have a new sign.. Baos: " _^_ "  think ChinaBlack *GRINZ* hahaha KK code... :x

When i met Puppy just managed to squeeze out a doofy hi.. and did that "turn my back and i'm invisible" stunt.. when he stood in front of me later.. had to literally force myself to keep eye-contact.. and he did this eyebrow thingy.. and i just stood there "i still think that i'm invisible" stance.. Good Lord.. help me.. went out to sit with all the KKs.. and took lotsa photos and cut Rosalie's cake.. she was soo touched.. spent the rest of the time making fun of GuniHorn.. (he actually thinks he's an Unicorn..) and Joshua was glad that my suannings didn't befall him for once.. everytime i turned to look at him he'd shake his hands desperately and told me to give him a day off.. i think i terrorise all my friends.. 

Puppy called at 03:31 and yupps we went for supper.. when he asked about my depgy.. BaoBao was trying so hard to defend me.. "Take a look at her.. does she look depressed?? Look at her always smiling.. she's so chirpy.. so cheerful.. look at that smile!! she's so bubbly and chirpy and cheerful.. and smiling.." hahaha i simply love her soo much... she's soo cute!! Tried to talk to Puppy.. asked him if he was tired its ok if he goes first.. did the Cig and Drink thingy.. alamaks.. just kill me now.. haiyaya.. his Puppy eyes.. and that sweet smile.. 

The Baos came over to my place and drove me insane till 11am.. i was so sleep deprived!! we all were.. and the laughing became i dunoe wat siah.. epileptic fits? the only times we were serious was about DuaHuei.. he's been in a foul mood recently.. and he won't leak a thing.. really worried about him.. *sigh* 

Sunday, 22nd February 2004, 22:16   PiGgY^PuPpY 

was msging Puppy and talking to BaoBao today.. while desperately trying to clear my work.. i've got 9 reports to hand in this week... why not just make it 90?? didn't quite expect this.. "Kidnap any of them and I’ll kidnap u! Keep u as a pet too. That’ll be interesting.. Like dog biscuits? Anf? Science diet?".. alamaks.. and BaoBao was screaming down the phone.. when we stopped msging.. got a msg an hour odd later.. "Yo piggy.. Hee just wanna call you that.." and then... BaoBao was screaming down the phone.. i noe she wants to listen to all that's going on.. but i feel really bad.. cos that *@$#!%^ is treating her so bad.. dunno how to be happy myself when my friends are sad.. 

Sunday, 22nd February 2004, 04:16   wayward heart 

Woke up to Puppy's messages.. if my mum woke up now and saw me.. she'll think i'm crazy.. sitting here at 4am.. grinning from ear to ear.. you noe how i believe that everything happens for a reason? guess the recent spate of "bad" things.. only happened to lead me to this.. he's gone on a backpacking trip.. arhh.. i've still gotta wait another year to do this.. talked to my parents before my birthday.. gonna take a year off to travel the world to collect bottles of sand from every shore and on an internship with the Marine Biologists.. to live my dream for a while.. this birthday has been the best one in years.. so many things happened that broke my heart... but this time.. i felt the release.. the ghost has been laid to sleep.. and now i can't sleep.. still grinning and goofing.. have no idea how much he's touched my heart with his words.. can't really explain though this dull ache in my heart.. maybe.. i noe i'm afraid.. besides my family i really have no faith to believe in anything that seems good.. cos they never end well.. sometimes its really annoying.. if you never tasted the joy something can bring.. then you'll never feel the pain of losing it.. yet again that's the cynic in my head speaking.. because deep down inside i noe that i would rather have felt the joy.. just that my strength and courage to face up to the good things has grown weaker.. i noe that saying all these is probably too early.. but i'll take this chance.. YA! the way i say it is like as if i have a choice.. when most of the time i'm just running after my wayward heart that runs several miles ahead of me.. slamming blindly into everything possible.. sees everything through tinted rose glasses.. if it even sees at all.. and every thing is a lamb and never a wolf.. tumbles and trips and still has the cheek to come back and tell me its hurt.. and then run off before i can even hold it.. to whoever who catches my heart before i do.. please hold her gently in your hands.. and if she wants to stay.. and you do too.. don't ever let her break.. cos in your hands she'll beat just for you.. but if u have to.. let her go gently.. the way i would if i had yours in my hands..  

Monday, 23rd February 2004

met BaoBei & BaoBao at YCK mrt.. signing up for sum country club membership.. but thinking twice now.. hmms.. *bleah* when we were on the way back to Kopitiam, guess who rode past our cab? hehehe *Puppy* that silly nunu said he came down early just to see me.. *grinz* wei.. i'm not being a narcissist.. said he's burning a CD for me.. *bigger grin* haiyohs.. woke up kinda late to do my reports.. he was depressed about sum stuff.. even amidst his own pain his concern kept shifting back to me.. his last msg was still about meeting me to pass me the CD he burnt.. how can one be so heartbreakingly beautiful..?  

Tuesday, 24th February 2004

woke up to Puppy's msg.. he jus had a nightmare.. *hugs* has a hangover.. asked that silly nunu to go home and rest.. said he hasn't passed me the CD yet.. *grinz* met him after class for a smoke at the bridge and yupps spent lunch listening to his CD.. soo sweet rite??  poor thing doesn't have a break today.. got him a bottle of water.. his LT was just one LT down.. had to put up with the jabbings by my classmates.. soo embarrassing.. didn't notice them.. haiyaya

Wednesday, 25th February 2004

it's been one week.. in this one week he's touched me in ways i've never felt before in these past few years.. guess who i had lunch with? BaoBao, BaoBei &...Puppy hehehehe he wrote a testimonial for me!! :) haiyaya.. didn't eat anything though.. still feeling nauseated.. sent me a couple of really sweet msgs.. just touches me the tiny things he notices.. "When u go for the research thing… Dun even try to purposely forget me hor.. I still wan the bottles of sand.." and my heart just broke.. my eyes damp.. he has a soul that seems to have walked this earth a thousand times.. he's so heartbreakingly beautiful.. 

Thursday, 26th February 2004, 04:16   heartbreakingly beautiful...

i think i've officially drove myself crazy.. used to pig out for min 10 hours a day.. now i can't even do 4 hours.. feeling feverish... just finished watching Trista & Ryan's Wedding.. *sigh* did you see the love in their eyes... *sigh* isn't it wonderful?? my goodness..!! makes me wanna get married now..! *dreams* have always imagined how my wedding would be like since i was a little kid.. kinda like a fairy tale.. ahh i wanna get married now.. now now!! *grinz* 

Chatted with Puppy in the afternoon.. sent me a few pics of his cute little Stud.. and msned while i was doing my reports.. said he's staying up to accompany me.. but chased him off to sleep.. keke.. "you do voodoo on Stud and make him give me to you lah..." out of the blue just mentioned "I buy phone for u ok?" how can someone wanna and tries to do so much no matter how much it'll cost him? when everything's so uncertain?.. he leaves me totally dumbfounded.. the things he say.. the things he does.. in my life i've seen all sorts of people.. been touched.. but never one who's so heartbreakingly beautiful.. its something about him inside that has got me so mesmerized.. that one time i caught his eyes weeks ago.. so heart-wrenching.. it was almost painful.. can't put it down in words.. for the first time i can't find the words.. 

the words you spoke whispered my name.. 
raised the very soul i'd banished to hell.. 
as i stand bare before you..
the courage i have to find to look u in the eye.... 
heartbreakingly beautiful.. 
like a soul that's walked this earth a thousand times..... 
heartbreakingly beautiful..
the glimpses of courage.. 
is it not truth i see in your eyes..? 
pure and untouched.... 
so heartbreakingly... beautiful..   

Friday, 27th February 2004, 01:16   bittersweet 

got held back in class for a full hr.. missed my lunch with Puppy.. got my 2nd warning.. talked to my parents about sum stuff.. feeling so strangled.. can't breathe.. i just can't breathe anymore.. i'm so tired of the front i have to put on.. to smile when deep down inside i'm falling apart.. feeling so vexed up.. so helpless.. why does my dream keep coming back to haunt me.. to remind me of how i've silenced it.. screaming into my ears over and over again.. sometimes i'm so sick of living my life for others.. but how am i supposed to live freely when the people i'm talking about are the people i love and love me with all their heart? going for a drive.. will listen to your rantings.. when i come home.. i'll wipe away the tears.. and be who i'm supposed to be.. a good kid all over again.. promise me you'll keep silent after that.. 

his eyes' so captivating.. lost within its beauty so heartbreaking.. jaded.. i'm so jaded.. dun have the courage to believe in anything good anymore.. so used to the uglies.. deal me with them.. i wouldn't flinch.. but why God.. did you let me catch a glimpse of something so pure? so mesmerizingly beautiful? strips me of all my defences.. numbed for the past few years.. isn't it better that way? the strength i've lost in giving.. yet he makes me wanna do anything for him.. makes me wanna just believe.. be all that i am.. this time without any defenses.. like courage within the fear.. chasing away every thought from my head.. follow the emotions from my heart.. like the feelings i used to know when i was still unjaded..   

Saturday, 28th February 2004, 22:09   i've let you down.. 

she's gone.. lost her so long ago.. i thought i wouldn't cry.. i thought i'd be fine.. but how could i have been so stupid? drugs.. tore all of us apart.. death, sentences, broken souls.. it all came to claim us.. how did we let something so shallow break us down..? we never cared about tomorrow.. wasn't it just fun we were all after? how did i let you slip so far away? how could i not have noticed that things were going so wrong? how did i let it come claim so many of you? i've let you down.. let you down so badly.. yet you never fail to tell everyone that i'm your best sister.. your parents called me every single day.. pleading with me to help you.. i couldn't reach thru to you.. how did i lose you? 3 yrs? 5 yrs? how long will it take to see your face again? dialing your number over and over again.. can't reach you.. can't find you.. lost you so long ago.. just let you slip away.. can't find you.. can't find you.. can't find.. you...

Hanging by a thread - Jann Arden

When I cry, I close my eyes
And every tear falls down inside
And I pray with all my might
That I will find my heart in someone's arms
When I cry, when I am sad
I think of every awful thing I ever did
When I cry, there is no love

The salt inside my body ruins
Everyone I come close to
My hands are barely holding up my head
Oh, I'm so tired of looking at my feet
And all the secrets that I keep
My heart is barely hangin' by a thread

Oh, look at me
At all I've done
I've lost so many things that I so dearly love
I lost my soul
I lost my pride
Oh, I lost any hope of having a sweet life
I miss you all
I wish I was
With you now

Saturday, 28th February 2004, 23:57   sunshine.. 

talked to BaoBao.. that baby is such a sweetie.. she's been so worried for me.. haiyaya.. silly nunu.. wat's one more bad relationship? dun worry okies? even though i have a wayward heart, that gets slammed, i'll never be brought down.. sumtimes i get upset and rant.. but i'll be fine after bitching.. u noe me.. never gonna fall and not get up again!! dun call me Sunshine girl for nothing!! i'll never change and stop trusting my heart just cos sumbody broke it.. jus gotta cherish wat u've got while u've got it.. and smile cos it happened!! i noe its not easy.. but if we dun do that, the magickal miracle called love will cease to be magickal!! one never really lives till he has really loved..  i've beat the odds a hundred times.. if i fall.. i'll just dust myself and pick good old me up.. ya? see that grin on my face?? you yourself said i was cheery.. chirpy.. always smiling.. always laughing.. always crazy.. ? *squeezes ur silly nunu face* love ya.. *mmmmuacksss* 

Sunday, 29th February 2004, 06:40   My dog - Stud 

went with mum to cut my hair.. this will be the last time i'll be cheapskate and tag along with her so i dun hafta pay for it.. my hair's even shorter than before the hair show.. *bleah* hehe.. rescued a little Puppy from caltex.. brought Stud to seletar reservoir.. the "runway" thingy there.. sat there for two hours plus just talking.. i'm so in love with Stud.. *hint hint* sent Stud home to get cigs and we ended up in Sembawang beach.. talked till morning.. totally forgot bout having to return the car.. so we missed the sunrise.. "Missed the dawn break with u haiz.. K lar dream of watching dawn breaking with u k? :)" alamaks.. *melts*

Monday, 1st March 2004, 09:00   sunshine.. 

Was supposed to bring that little Puppy to eat.. cos he's always eating maggie mee.. but i was late.. *evils* met him at J8 MOS burger.. got telepathy siah.. copy me wear same colour sand top.. *hehe* sat outisde the MRT for an hour odd before show.. this poor Aunty selling tissue paper came.. gave her $10.. she didn't wanna take it until she was sure that i was working.. *ouch* doesn't she have kids? how could they let her walk around hunched, selling tissues on the street.. caught Big Fish.. the story line's really touching.. but it kinda dragged at the front.. but its so sad.. all the mistrusts in this world.. jaded.. that sweetie actually brought a jacket for me!! knowing my sleeveless tendencies.. took his bike to Changi Village for Nasi Lemak.. sat his bike.. *grinz* no i'm not talking bout the bike.. *big grinz* tried to catch the sunrise we missed along Changi Beach.. the ever evasive sunrise.. yes we missed it.. but saw it in his side mirror while we were going back.. so tiny and orange.. that nunu.. yes YOU!! reading my blog now rite? digging for stuff to disturb me about.. bullied me the whole nite.. nvm.. read this : "Help!……. I’m falling for you……. Oh my god!…." *double melts* haiyaya.. haven't had someone who views the world and who feels so much for the animals to talk to in a long long time.. miss the sea soo much.. got my feet all wet and sandy.. feeling the sea breeze on my face.. so free.. while she's sleeping there.. on the cold hard floor.. with not a breeze to ease her pain.. 

Tuesday, 2nd March 2004, 06:00   God help me..  

Grace & Alvin came down to Thomson to look for me soo sweet rite?? Had chicken rice and cheese prata!! *yum yum* Puppy called later.. and we all went for supper at Jalan Kayu.. but i didn't eat anymore la.. was so zoned out.. that poor nunu's catching a cold.. was annoying me the whole nite.. until i showed him THE msg he sent me earlier.. aiyo.. felt so evil after that.. his ears were all red and broke out in cold sweat.. hmph.. dun mess with me ok?! soo cutes!! just wanted to bite him then.. "At first I was quiet cos I’m used to only having you around mah.. Then I saw u like very sian so I just wan that smile back on your face. Missed the quiet nights.." ok you've seen the last msg i'll ever put here i guess.. the rest is private!!! *grinz* haiyaya.. how come soo sweet one?! haiyaya.. can't resist this.. "Help!……. I’m falling for you……. Oh my god!…." last one.. i promise.. *crosses fingers* one more.. just one more.. "I’m missing you." ahh.. i'm so falling.. 

Wednesday, 3rd March 2004, 22:30   run run run 

1st: BaoBao just dragged me back down to earth.. eeps.. run run run.. need to run.. need to hide.. need to hide.. ahh so jaded.. 

2nd: Woke up to pass Puppy the yoh sim qiu.. went to sembawang beach to talk talk.. everything just feels so right.. talked alot bout the "future".. he's being such a sweetheart.. someone just pinch me.. just feels so much like a dream.. tons of sweet sweet sweet smses which i'm biting my fingers to stop myself from pasting them here.. eeps..  

Thursday, 4th March 2004, 07:30   Ralph Lauren 

Puppy got me a present.. a Ralph Lauren Jacket.. *big grinz* the sweater's sooo nice.. soo in love with it.. so in love.. keke..  noe wat's "xing fu" ? that's what i'm feeling right now.. came down to pass me the present.. and still accompanied me cos i didn't wanna study.. BaoBao BaoBei and BaoVin came over to my place to study.. nearly bang into his bike when we were sending Deb home.. Baobei sat on his bike.. soo funny.. watching her trying to get up the scrambler.. and Baobao had this crazy idea for me to ride his bike.. not pillion.. ride.. a scrambler.. then Puppy say cannot.. very dangerous.. hehe haiyaya.. went to Geylang to eat.. and i bit him haha.. says that i owe him a hug now.. :P got dragged back down to earth.. i'm soo evil ok?? Puppy's been soo sweet to me.. and i said something i shouldn't have.. now think he's hurt.. wa.. he's soo nice to me and I.. I.. yes I .. bullied him.. *evils* after i sat and thought about it alone.. i just wanna be myself.. the forever hopeful.. the believer.. the same girl who trusts everyone and anyone.. i'd rather trust than to sit and ponder and wonder all the motives.. wat's the point in loving or even forming any sort of relationship with anyone if there's so much jadedness.. isn't love and friendship a miracle in itself? love without holding back.. its about letting go.. and falling into His arms.. "Thanks Princess Claire i miss you soo much you know? my bestest friend.. see u really soon k? so happy for you now that you're happy.. tell Gary i'll fly to melbourne myself if he doesn't treat you rite.." I know Baos care.. but then i'll not be who i am anymore.. falling isn't the matter.. cos i noe at the end of the day i'll still be strong enough to get up.. but if i lose the essence of myself.. the way i trust and believe.. then i'll never be happy.. cos i can't answer my own heart... the Kopitiam Kakis have officially been upgraded to another level.. its soo nice to noe that we're so tight.. and we'll always have each other come what may.. 

Tuesday, 9th March 2004, 07:30   morbid thoughts.. 

Went to see Samuel today.. said i talked so much the other time.. just didn't feel like talking.. fighting the urge to c** myself.. haven't done that in years.. blood.. my blood.. sometimes wonder if i'm still alive.. having morbid thoughts.. crashing in a car.. just crashing.. crashing and crashing.. not that i want to die.. really.. just wan a break.. kinda erks me.. just one of those days.. i'll be fine.. always do.. 

Sunday, 7th March 2004  went to AMK for breakfast with the Baos, Puppy he and i took a photo together.. very very nice one okies?? my dear dear soooo cutes!! hehe but please forgive the eyebags.. all the late nite cramming.. "xing fu" anot?? hehe.. 

Saturday 6th March 2004 woke up just to pass my Puppy "Bai Mu Er" cos he's falling sick.. went to Seletar the "runway" and talked till morning.. no sunrise.. ..... was playing with my toes when he caught me in a chow chow hug.. never felt in a place more right than in his arms.. keeps smelling my hair.. and when i drove back to pass him the stuff.. he did the "finger, come here" thingy grabbed me and smelt my hair.. aiyohs.. i'm reduced to jelly pudding mashed potato.. 

Sunday, 14th March 2004 went shopping with the Baos today.. got Puppy a water-resilient jacket from Zara haiyoh.. my dear's going to look soo good in it.. keke.. we caught Timeline at cine.. both were really tired.. but just wanted to spend time together.. that poor nunu eyes were like so tiny by the end of the movie.. was really hyper today.. downed 5 sleeping pills in all and slept for 15 hrs.. *yumz* 

Thursday, 18th March 2004 Went to Tekong today for my NE trip.. Puppy came to pick me up at Changi and he brought me to the temple he's gone to since he was a kid.. just to see a sign that has my horoscope for the year "if you meet a potential life partner.. dun let the chance slip by".. sooooo sweet rite?? *mmuacks* we went to Buckaroo at sembawang beach to eat.. *yum yum* the food's really good.. the music's really nice.. even played Olivia Newton John!! and Lionel Richie.. Had a Budweiser.. *yum* hehe.. and lotsa kisses from my darling.. today's our 1st month.. keke.. sat by the beach and talked like old times.. *sigh* missed the holidays when we spent countless hours just talking by the sea.. *mmuacks* 

Friday, 19th March 2004, 22:10   love.. sweet love..  

Slept soundly through the whole nite on my pills.. haha finished my 3 week supply.. eeks.. Puppy came over to accompany me today.. just talked and cuddled and walked to Thomson Plaza for dinner.. and all the way to thomson CC to get my mc.. and then back.. hate walking in s'pore.. but sumhow walking with him.. didn't feel the distance at all.. and i actually enjoyed walking.. he just gives me the strength to do so many things.. God always sends me an angel when sumthing bad's going to happen.. this is the best Angel He could ever send.. for once in my whole life.. i actually feel that he's been sent to make everything else so much more beautiful and easier without having to pay my dues at all.. Went with Kor & my family to Night Safari for dinner.. after my BK dinner.. *grinz* they're pretty concerned about me.. i guess i dun seem too right either.. 

Puppy: Can't really begin to explain.. just can't find the words.. before meeting him.. for the past 3 years of my life.. i've done things outta commitment.. lost the strength to try.. forgot wat it was to love and be loved.. was just living my life for my family.. we were discussing which day would be our anniversary.. and decided that it'll be the first day we gotta noe each other.. sumhow from that day.. there was never a doubt that we would end up together.. it was like it was written in the stars.. from the first time i saw his eyes.. my heart wouldn't let me turn and walk away.. feels as if we've known each other forever.. this sense of comfort.. no other words to describe it than "it was meant to be" .. he makes me wanna do anything and everything from him.. even in this period of darkness.. where i'm shunning everyone.. when i'm so low emotionally and physically.. i can't wait to open my eyes and see his face.. and i can't help but want to give him the best.. and do my best for him.. this time out of my heart.. my mind's so occupied.. with so many thoughts of what i can do for him.. and what i can give to him.. and you know what? I'm still on the bigger receiving end.. he fills my life with so much love.. so much light.. so much joy.. this time i can truly say that HE is the most blessed thing that has ever happened to me besides my family.. without a doubt.. nor patronizingly.. he makes me wanna be me.. gives me the space and support to be all that i can be.. and all that i've dreamt i could be.. thank you.. 

Saturday, 20th March 2004, 21:17   i won't be broken.. 

C* myself a few days back.. like the tit-tac-toe grids on my ankle.. Puppy was really upset when he saw the cuts.. promised him i wouldn't again.. everytime i stare at the grid.. makes me feel like turning it into pulp.. Joshua spoke to me today.. says i'm no longer the same.. i'm more "girl" now.. hmm.. i guess i'm turning soft.. but it's just a passing phase before i turn hard.. for those i've left behind.. i'm sorry.. To that person who started me cutting.. i'm not really sorry i left u behind.. just want u to understand that i won't be the same person who'll let u down me and up yourself anymore.. it feels as if i'm going to break.. by 3pm i'm screaming to go home.. i can't take the faces.. i'm feeling.. edgy.. jumpy.. something within me is bursting to get out.. but just want you to know that you may take me down but you'll never break me.. a pity isn't it? wished u could take me and break me.. but i won't be broken.. 

Went with mum to see sum knee injury specialist.. wanted me to go in just crushed the form and left my sis to see the doc themselves.. can't let her see the grids on my ankle.. it'll break her heart.. sat alone for coffee at paragon.. just had a sudden notion to move out and stay alone for a month or two.. feel the rebel in my screaming to get out.. everything that i'm not supposed to do.. i'm gonna do it.. besides the bad stuff that is.. everything else i'm going to do it.. gonna be selfish for once.. and do what my heart really wants me to do.. please.. just let me live for a while..   

Saturday, 27th March 2004, 14:07   Reborn.. 

Took a break from school Friday thru Tuesday.. got a bacterial eye infection.. arhh.. i'm like a blind bat in useless glasses.. spent the long weekend thinking through alot of stuff i've been putting off.. sorry to those who're worried after reading the stuff i write.. this blog's just an outlet.. after papertalking i'm fine.. its just something that i have to deal with myself.. will never be broken.. too much in life to let the nasties keep me down ya? totally Psyched to start school again.. cleared the mountain of work i've been procrastinating.. weaned off the sleeping pills.. and pondering if i should the fluvox.. feel like good old me again.. the really old me.. but this time i'm so much happier.. thanks to all the wonderful people in my life.. Bao Bei, Dua Lian- Grace, Puppy-En En.. who've really stuck by me through this whole week of gloom.. getting my life organised.. and feeling so full of zest for life!! Its been years since i've felt like this.. just sooo excited about all the stuff i'm going to do.. i've lost the drive and want to do anything besides taking care of my pets and family for 5 years.. maybe that explains what i've been feeling the past week.. something bursting to get out.. arhh watch out!! Shirleen's gonna crash through the world.. dun stand in my way!! haha.. just a list of things that i'm going to do.. sooo excited!! 

1. Pick up ballet again with Grace

2. Salsa with Grace

3. Diver's license with Puppy

4. Bike's License with Bao Bei

5. Volunteer at KK hospital

6. Tanjong Pinang trip with Kopitiam Kakis May/June

7. Sailing's License!! 

Sunday, 28th March 2004, 21:24   come what may.. 

Never knew I could feel like this
Like I've never seen the sky before
I want to vanish inside your kiss
Every day I'm loving you more and more
Listen to my heart, can you hear it sing
Telling me to give you everything
Seasons may change, winter to spring
But I love you until the end of time

Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place
Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace
Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste
It all revolves around you
And there's no mountain too high
No river too wide
Sing out this song and I'll be there by your side
Storm clouds may gather
And stars may collide
But I love you until the end of time

Oh, come what may, come what may
I will love you, I will love you 
Until my dying day
Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place

Thursday, 8th April 2004, 16:40   i'm sorry 

Meant to make this blog a happier place.. meant to wean off my d.. meant to do much better.. meant to.. i really did.. i'm sleeping 22 hours a day.. and i see less of this world.. i dunoe how much longer i can take this.. i'm supposed to be strong.. i've been catching up with my work.. did you have to walk out on me like that? i know you're not to blame.. i was late.. i couldn't answer your one question.. that led to so many questions.. should i jump off the building.. should i slit my wrist and just bleed.. but i made that promise.. pierced my own ears thru the cartilage.. cos i can't cut myself can i? "Mummy.. i'm so tired.. can you let me go.. i know you love me so much.. but i'm so tired.. so tired.. i can't.. and dunoe how.. can you let me go?" i'm crying and crying and crying and crying and crying.. i just can't stop.. i can't wlak straight.. my hands shake.. i thought i was getting better.. but it seems so endless.. Mum.. i need you.. but i can't.. i can't let you watch the tears fall down my cheeks.. i can't let you see how broken i am.. it'll break your heart.. i've never thought that dying would solve anything.. but WHAT.. i ask you WHAT is there to solve? i don't know... i just want to end it all.. i'm sorry i couldn't answer your question.. i'm sorry.. i'm such a mess.. io'm sorry i'm always such a disappointment.. Claire i'm sorry i can't even bring myself to be there for you.. i'm sorry.. i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry.. i'm sorry i'm such a weakling.. i'm sorry i'm broken.. i'm sorry for being sorry.. 

Thursday, 15th April 2004, 16:40   motor lessons 

Started my motor lessons.. haha i'm so proud of myself... 3 yrs ago when i took my first prac i was stuck at the biting point.. 3 yrs now.. taking my first prac was the first to get promoted to the circuit.. and outta the circuit.. ok lah not a big deal.. but at least improvement.. think is my darling's superb motor skills that rubbed off on me.. (actually not my exact thoughts) hehe.. but its sooo fun... its something i've always wanted to do.. and it feels so good doing the things i really want.. the life i really want to live.. if i have to stay in singapore.. at least let me live..  

Tuesday, 20th April 2004, 21:40   more than i thought..  

Blogging now.. hands are shaking.. i've forced myself to be strong for 21 yers.. i sleep in the day thru the nite to avoid my parents.. dun wan them to see the state i'm in.. it'll break their hearts.. sitting in the car at 12:30 crying my heart out.. till it was 1.. when they were asleep did i go up.. i decided to let myself fall and open up all the past locked memories.. cos i noe that even though i've selectively forgotten everything that happened from age 16-19, its still haunting me silently.. but now i'm so afraid that i've opened the pandora box.. and now i can't close it.. 21 years of pain and tears all hidden.. held behind the dam.. i'm almost dying.. it's more than i thought i could handle.. such a wrong time.. my exams are so near.. and i can't even get myself to get out of bed.. to even do anything.. forced myself to blog.. puts me to sleep.. the defiance and bitchiness and strong front i've always put on just to hide the pain and hurt.. the really fragile me.. right now i'm just letting me be myself.. i'm doing everything i wanna do now.. taking my bike lessons.. pierced my eyebrows.. pierced my upper ear.. gonna do one long bar thru the middle thru the top.. after i pass my bike license.. which seems like its gonna take a while.. to everyone who's been so concerned.. dun worry... i'll pull through it.. going for a holiday.. probably a train ride thru malaysia to thailand.. and a ship back to singapore.. by my lonesome.. and to Puppy.. i love you.. thanks for loving me.. you've given me more than anyone ever has besides my parents.. your constant support and consistent love.. more than i can ever ask for.. i love you..  

Wednesday, 21st April 2004, 23:40   no one.. 

stop asking me if i'm ok.. i'm not.. stop asking me why.. i dunoe.. stop telling me not to be like this.. i wanna be wat i want to be.. i wanna pick myself up do i not? why doesn't anybody understand? please stop denying my rights to feel.. why can't i be moody? do i have to smile all the time to entertain you people? then go find urself a court jester.. i'm sick of having to smile and smile and smile.. just cos you want me to.. feel so f-ing alone.. no one's understanding.. especially everyone around me.. those closest to my heart.. it's like another slap across the face.. why?? why do i even have to hide myself from you people?? why?? guess i'm in my own little world now.. and i quite like it this way... leave me be.. Grace.. i miss you so much.. 

Sunday, 18th April 2004, 21:40   2nd Month Anniversary 

Dearie stayed with me the whole nite.. went to fishermen's village to eat at his friend's stall.. i'm officially a tripod.. we went to the temple again.. that sweetie.. says he brought me there on our 1st mth.. every mth must come and pray for our rlp.. hehe.. he remembers so many tiny details.. soo touched!! Puppy i loveeee you!! 

Darling.. its been 2 mths since u came into my life.. and how can i ever let you know how thankful i really am to have you? yes.. its like it's written in the stars... these 2 mths though daunting, you've made everything so much easier..  so much more beautiful.. the moments i share with you are the only brightness in this dark time.. how can i ever love you enough? the way you love me.. haiyaya.. my Beleco, *Woof*, Puppy, Poopsie Wupsie, Xiao Zhu Zhu.. my everything.. I love you!!  

Wednesday, 28th April 2004, 21:40  Meeting Puppy's Ah Bu 

Celebrated Gerald's bday on Monday.. and cot Starsky & Hutch.. alamaks.. was funnier watching his friends.. wat with the 21 yr old change-my-laughter, Bailey's milk moustache, photos taken with a phone cam.. soo cutes!!  Tuesday brought me to eat at his other friend's stall and see his bro's Chihuahua's 2 lovely 3 weeks old babies.. i love my Puppy soo much.. (the one with a tail) *sigh* still remember when he came to me as a puppy.. now he's already 8.. Dear God.. please give me many more good years to love him.. haven't loved him enough.. and... *drum rolls* i met his mummy.. it was his sister's 19th birthday.. and i was totally panicking before that.. with wat to wear.. wat to say.. wat shoes to match.. wat bag.. wat hairstyle.. but his Ah bu's soo nice.. and think we got along pretty well.. esp after the part she realised i could make clothes... she's really wonderful.. no airs and soo friendly and warm.. was chatting till i was kinda reluctant to go.. and i'm going to kidnap his sister.. soo cutes.. ***MEI - SYLVIA NG BAO XIAN..*** if you're reading this.. please know that i'm seriously deprived of some sisterly loving and teh-ing.. so please.. automatic abit wor.. make those cute voices and lotsa huggies k?? Jie jie loves you sweetie.. will be behind u 100x10 to the power of infinity k?? hang in there.. i noe its tough with the thru-train programme.. only ever want the best for u.. but at the end of the day.. ur happiness.. ur deep-dimpled smiles are wat matters most to me.. cos i can't ever imagine how i'll ever find the strength to live without your smile.. always remember the song.. "When i see you smile" k.. *muacks*  

Saturday, 1st May 2004, 03:55   To my beloved Baos.. 

just met Bao Bei.. didn't feel like going out.. but just felt that sumthing was wrong with her.. lucky guess.. heart's aching for her and Bao Bao.. feeling soo glad that we have each other.. and my dear Baos.. i'll never ever let us split ya? i'll always be here.. if sumthing's wrong sms me ya? phone's always on silent.. not locking u gals out but the rest of the buzz.. and pls dun ever think that you'll ever be a bother or u'll be adding to my burden.. it ain't no bother and never a burden when we are friends.. seriously.. k.. love you gals soo much.. be strong ya? remember wat i always tell you? that when things seem too much to take.. just press on.. cos 3 yrs from now when you look back.. u'll laugh at how you thought you'd never get through it.. we've made it so far.. taken on so much crap.. we'll make it through if not over this obstacle together k? :) I LOVE YOU!!! Dua Huei.. lord noes i miss you soo much.. 

things are getting better.. at least i'm getting sum stuff done.. and the crying spells ceased.. mummy went to the temple to pray for me.. feel soo loved!! i really miss my parents soo much.. once the exams are over gonna go work  for them and spend loadsa time with them.. just so afraid that i'd cry in front of them during this time.. like everytime i'll be all rite.. until i'm almost reaching home.. and i'd feel like crying.. time to put on that brave front.. its like i miss them soo much.. and need them soo much.. but i dun wan them to hurt for me.. these few days.. been just by myself.. and with Puppy.. even caught a movie alone... guess just needed to date myself for a while.. arhh.. can't wait for exams to be over.. its time to pull myself up.. and do all the things i've always wanted to do.. to live.. 

Sunday, 2nd May 2004, 03:55   frozen..  

jus felt the hair on my back stand.. the coldness sweep right through my body.. grasp my heart.. the walls start to build.. my mind takes over.. silenced the screams of my heart.. and rendered me emotionless.. till i realised i was shutting you out.. sharp rakes of pain pierces right through me.. each breath i take starts to hurt.. as my heart slammed against the walls.. wanting you.. i know its hurting you.. i'm trying so hard to tear the walls down.. to stop your hurt.. and mine.. frozen in my own world.. a place that gets harder to escape from each time i seek refuge in it..  

Tuesday, 4th May 2004, 03:00   how do we go back? 

Staring into space.. trying to fall asleep.. willing the hours to pass.. my body's crying for rest.. yet my mind wanders along.. i saw ur name flash on my phone.. and stared in silence.. for a moment i froze in time.. isn't this what i've been wanting for so long? To bridge the gap between u and me.. yet i feel courage slip beneath the covers.. tears sprung to my eyes.. i forced the hurt to go away.. and silenced my thoughts.. its almost been a year since we met at Pauline's wedding.. i still remember how you held my hand and tried to be brave.. and how i walked out of church totally crushed.. tears cascading down my cheeks.. how my younger sister held my hands.. and i cried into her chest like a baby.. for so long i've had your no. just didn't know if it would intrude your life.. would it make what you gave up for harder to bear? the guilt? i left it there.. cos at the end of it all.. i only want you to be happy.. where to we begin to pick up the pieces? where do we start? how do we go back? how.. why do i dream of you still? why is it i still want to know? 

Thursday, 6th May 2004, 03:00   I miss you..  

exams' finally started.. yippy.. can't wait for it to be over.. only finished 2 papers.. i can't get any studying done.. and its not helping when i'm missing my Puppy so much.. haiyaya.. its been 2 months since i've found the place i always wanna be.. and that's in your arms.. and its soo sickening that i won't get any hugs today cos of the exams.. *groan* .. its been 8 hours since i last saw you.. and only 2 outta the 8 hours i've been awake.. and it already feels like eternity.. think i'm turning into a brat.. hmm.. i've got another week left to dwell in this poo poo hole.. which i'm going to get myself outta.. enough of moping roundz.. and sooo many many things to do with Puppy.. diving.. planning a trip to HK.. and spending countless hours in your arms.. and just loving you.. *sigh*.. such bliss...  

Sunday, 21st May ~ 23rd May 2004, 03:00  Malaysia Dive Trip - Pulau Aur 

Click on the above pictures to view my dive trip photos.. :) went shopping today for some clothes and bought an underwater camera.. soo exciting!! finally get to hold my own passport.. was really missing daddy and mummy on my way there.. and spent half an hour teh-ing and whining to my mummy & daddy on the phone.. lotsa love and kisses.. Took a 3 hour car-ride to Mersing and a boat transfer.. 4 and a half hours.. talked with Puppy for the whole ride there.. too excited to sleep.. the stars are amazing.. seems as if i could reach out and pluck them down.. finally reached Pulau Aur at 5am.. threading in the cold water.. with thousands of sea cucumbers that looked familiarly like big black worms.. yucks.. stayed up to chat with the Dive instructors and Divemasters.. really wonderful people.. had breakfast and headed out for my first diving experience.. did a backroll into the water *grinz* can't believe that i'm finally tasting a little of my dream.. really can't describe the sense of freedom i feel in the water.. the beautiful corals and fishes and the marine life just took my breath away and reinforced that this is indeed my dream.. to be in the sea.. where it may bring fear to some.. it's a release for my soul.. it's where my soul lies.. where i've learnt to breathe and feel life rush through my veins once again.. what amazed me was seeing huge 1.2m bumphead parrotfishes.. to be swimming with the turtle.. the cuttlefishes.. the thousands of pretty coloured fishes.. and the beautiful landscape of corals.. which stretched across the sea like a garden underwater.. made really wonderful friends on this trip.. sooo reluctant to go home.. the crystal clear waters.. the fine sand under my feet.. the really cute showers on the beach.. the lovely cat and Puppy!! it feels soo good to be alive.. but i'm glad to be home.. in my daddy & mummy's arms.. with their kisses and seeing their smiles.. *sigh* life is just perfect.. i love you soo much!! *mmmuuacks* can't wait to get my advanced next month.. don't have to dream any longer.. as this dream of mine is coming true..  

Tuesday, 25th May 2004, 03:00   you complete me..   

In this short 4 months that we've been together.. you've taught my weary soul to believe in forever again.. breathe life back into me.. as i lay beside u watching the moon plant kisses on your face.. i can't but help feeling this sense of peace.. that my life's complete now.. there's nothing more i'll ever need.. if God were to take me home tonight.. i know i've lived a life worth living.. a life complete.. the only sadness would be parting.. your unconditional love.. the faith you have in me.. now i understand and have come to peace with all the trials and tribulations i had to endure.. it was but to lead me to you.. so that when you came into my life.. i would have learnt how to love whole-heartedly.. i've always thought that forever's a silly thing.. that nothing lasts forever.. that love fades.. the passion cools.. and then it runs into a cycle.. but with u.. everyday feel's like the first.. every kiss the first.. everyday's like a honeymoon that never ends.. your love has touched my soul... awaken me from the depths of my lumbering slumber.. *grinz* i've learnt again to trust.. to love without holding back.. to love without having to tell myself to love.. but coming from deep within my heart..  really can't believe how we fell in love.. like it was written in the stars.. till this day i can't fathom why and how it all happened.. but that it did, i'm eternally grateful..  

Wednesday, 2nd June 2004, 03:00   Singapore's marine life..
         

Went to Sisters' Island with Puppy & his daddy.. went fishing.. *shh* dun tell mummy i'm not supposed to be fishing anymore haha.. in the end we went diving around.. the water visibility is so bad.. <1m.. but i was amazed by the corals and fishes.. the marine life in singapore's actually quite diverse.. the corals of so many colours and so many types.. hammer head, xenier (orange), acroporas, lotsa scooter blennies, lots of cup corals, brain corals, moon corals, button corals and.. the holy grail!! it's really rare.. but the sad part was due to the breakwaters they built for a lagoon for HUMANS preventing the currents from coming in.. so the water was really warm.. the land reclamation, most of the corals were bleached out, eaten by fungi, covered with sludge and slime.. thick slime.. and my heart just broke.. its like we actually have something so beautiful here.. and yet we're destroying them for our hunger for money, tourism and land... somethings i wouldn't say here.. .. crapz..  have to get out of this shit-hole.. every breath i take.. like acid flowing through my resp. so stiffled...  

*Highlight* lost my handphone today.. was trying to catch fishies in the lagoon with my shirt.. and my shorts was getting wet.. it was high tide.. so took it off and left it on a rock.. and got so absorbed in catching the fishes.. that when i turned back.. "Where's the rock????..." ok think you get the point... 

Sunday, 6th June 2004, 23:00   here fishy fishy..  

  Cute little friend at Jalan Kayu..

The hols' flying by.. spent the past few weeks marine-fish-shop hopping with Puppy.. setting up my marine tank.. with corals and fishies.. *grinz* its only a 2 feet one.. haha but Mummy and Daddy fell for it haha.. they're gonna upgrade it to a 4 ft one if it works out well.. Daddy got a new handphone for me.. supposedly.. Mum said that Shirleen definitely will like the E700A Samsung (read previous entry highlight).. and the moment she came home she showed me the phone.. hey this phone can type chinese words.. her old X430 couldn't... yupps got the hint.. so i'm using her phone now haha.. MUMMY you're sooo cute.. said i was like a 24-hour mum.. always giving them the best stuff.. awww.. *head swells* been working for my parents.. or with Puppy.. met the Baos last friday at Chinablack and supper.. miss them soo much... so feeling kinda tied up.. lotsa stuff on my list that i haven't done.. and the holidays are almost over.. *sobs* 

Tuesday, 15th June 2004, 07:00   simple things 

I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete

Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and i need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and i need somewhere to begin  

Friday, 18th June 2004, 13:00   4th Month Anniversary

Went to Buckaroo's to eat again.... its deliiiiicious.. of cos my darling was much more!! :P had to work at mummy's though.. so by the time i met Puppy for dinner i was totally worn out.. This few weeks been sending so much time with Puppy.. actually not enough lah keke.. setting up my marine tank.. and just going places doing stuff and so much loving loving loving.. Ling ling.. i love you sooo much!! thanks for you.. for the beautiful person that you are.. and for the million ways you touch my heart and leave me in awe.. *mmmuuuacks* 

Sunday, 4th July 2004, 23:00   Advanced Open Water

Just returned from Pulau Aur.. decided to go back there again cos of the food.. the lovely rustic place that's captured my heart.. and the place where i had my first taste of freedom.. my first breath of life.. my first touch of my dream.. got my own set of gears.. finally my full length wetsuit.. the elise by gul.. set me back $250.. but at least i won't have to freeze underwater anymore!! gotta buy a new mask cos i threw mine into the sea.. yes.. literally.. took it off and placed it into the water.. bye bye mask.. graduated with Puppy.. and now we're Advanced divers.. :) check out the photos.. this time clearer.. more colourful.. digi cam.. click on the pic :) its back to school tomorrow.. just have a feeling that this sem's gonna be a great one!! I love you Puppy!! :)

Saturday, 17th July 2004, 14:07  i love school! 

School's started.. and... !!!!! we've confirmed our dive trip to Redang!! ahhh gonna be celebrating our 7th month anniversary there!! can't wait to go!! i miss diving soooo much!! and its only been 12 days.. this is soo unbearable.. and its been lotsa homework.. trying to study and lotsa Puppy.. hehe my marine tank's almost done.. except for the right corals i'm still searching for.. will upload the pics soon .. please do not support shops that get their livestock from cyanide bombing people.. *winkz*

Sunday, 18th July 2004, 22:07  5th Month Anni.. i love Pupsy!! 

It's our 5th Month Anni!! Pupsy was soo sweet.. been wanting to watch Mean girls.. and he wanted King Aurthur.. tot we were catching King Aurthur.. but suddenly Mean girls flashed on the screen!! soo sweet!! Pupsy!! *mmuuuacks* wasn't with him when he was buying tix.. cos went to buy him the shirt he's been eyeing at Bods.. and he looks sooo good in it!! *yumz* .. got me a really really pretty heart clay box.. been gluing with Pupsy.. can't bear a minute without him.. we've already met up thrice today.. hehe now we're going for coffee... hope i can get started after that.. our 6th month anniversary is coming le.. *sigh* sooo sweet... his mummy even ask when he's gonna get married.. hehe.. we're planning our perfect wedding.. alamaks.. i dunno.. i'm like in cloud nine all the time.. really feels so different.. that i'm contented and complete.. without a single discontentment.. without a single doubt.. everything just seems so right.. and so sure.. this peace within my heart that this is so right.. that this time.. i don't have to look no further.. don't want anything more but just to settle down with my Pupsy and just spend the rest of my life with him.. my family and our dreams.. but still gotta wait another 3 years.. really can't wait!! every night i pray.. that He will hold us dear.. hold us close.. that we'll learn to love each other the best that we were each meant to be loved.. Pupsy!! i love you soo much!! *mmmuuuuackss*    

Tuesday, 27th July 04, 23:07  when you're gonna let me in.. i'm getting tired.. 

Keane - Somewhere Only We Know

I came across a fallen tree 
I felt the branches of it looking at me 
Is this the place we used to love? 
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of? 
Oh simple thing where have you gone 
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on 
So tell me when you're gonna let me in 
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin 

And if you have a minute why don't we go 
Talk about it somewhere only we know? 
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go 
So why don't we go 
This could be the end of everything 
So why don't we go Somewhere only we know?

Saturday, 17th July 2004, 14:07  Bird Named Bao 

This is Bao.. named after my sister.. he's a baby cockatiel we got a month ago.. he's really really cute!! when he's perched on his cage you just have to clap your hands and call him and he'll fly and flop into your hands.. really naughty and playful and clumsy little bird.. brings so much laughter into our home.. 

Wednesday, 18th August 2004, 22:07  6th Month Anniversary

It's our 6th month anniversary! hehe.. and it still feels like the first day.. we didn't get to go out and celebrate cos of my business management test.. soo sad!! but Puppy accompanied me the whole day so i can still see him and still study.. i love you!!!!! alamaks.. how does someone live with no temper,  will ride all the way down to meet her even if he has only 15 mins? set his alarm to wake up at 8AM after finishing work at 3:30 am just so he can come over and hug her and continue sleeping makes excuses for another's mistake.. always giving the better half to another? if you wanna know you'll have to ask Puppy Ivan cos i'm still figuring that one out.. 

 i know i haven't blogged in like donkey ages.. been really really busy with my schoolwork.. setting up my marine-tank and trying to come up with a new website.. decided that this is too messy.. or maybe i'll just delete everything and start afresh.. but i don't this nothingness is that much complicated or if it even applys to me anymore.. neigh.. but one does not abandon her past does she? it depicts every inch of myself.. but this time i've learnt to keep them as only memories.. and i'm really really free.. don't feel the bonds to anything unhealthy anymore.. and i'm free.. i'm me..

Thursday, 3rd September 2004, 23:14  the future's bright.. 

Have been thinking and planning my life.. with lotsa room for nice surprises and secret blessings.. just have this fierce want to live and to really live.. passionately.. still thinking if i should go for my dreams or the $$ first.. so that'll determine if i stay in the BioTechnology industry..  will be graduating next May.. and i'm soo excited.. and gettting so restless with all that i'm about to grasp in my hands.. to touch and hold everything i can get my hands onto.. filling my life with experiences.. with love.. with lots of love.. for those in my heart.. and for the earth and all its wonders..

2005 - Travel around before starting work for dad in 2006 (Puppy will be in army)
2006 - If Puppy signs on for pilot.. i'll do a Bachelors in Marine Biology!! *my dream* so we won't be apart.. 
          otherwise i'll start working for Daddy... 
2007/08 - **Wedding Bells!!** and start paying for our HDB.. (to sell off once the must-stay 3 yrs is done 4 $$)
2009 - Hunt for a beautiful shophouse or semi-detached or corner Terrace
2010 - Renovate our house.. Resort Balinese cum Zen with great walls of windows.. can already picture our house..
2011/14 - Start our dive-school.. and then LIFE with YOU begins..

Gonna laze in bed every morning with Puppy, shop together, cook together, paint together, roll around together.. till we have dive classes in the evening.. then clean up.. have champagne, make Puppy cook supper, soak in the Jacuzzi, laze in the lounge, just loving him and loving me.. then weekends go for the dive trips.. and leisure dive trips to all the exotic dive sites in the world every 2 months or so.. but one thing.. i'll miss studying.. buying pretty pens, cute little high-lighters and making pretty notes... but then.. i'll have all the time in the world.. we'll have all the time in the world.. just you and me.. with nothing on our minds.. but loving.. 

Monday, 21st June 2004, 13:00   liberated 

Think this will be my last few entries here.. During the hols.. got over my depression.. so i've lost my flair for writing.. my poetry & art always seem so lame with happiness.. well will update the new art pieces when i'm done.. i've sorted through my stuff.. not really sorted.. but have let go of everything that isn't gonna be part of my future.. i've cleared my room.. this time i'm not keeping every single thing.. the clutter actually annoyed me.. so began throwing away whole boxes of everything.. keeping only things from my family.. and the few people who've touched my life in a good way and whom i still think of very fondly.. it was so liberating.. perhaps it was also that i was starting to live my dreams.. and so many people i have to write to.. who helped me rid the ghosts.. which were but an obsession of the answerless questions.. to which i have found answers.. and weirdly though i'd expect them to hurt.. but all i felt was this great big stone lifting off my chest.. this blog will be left as it is after i've decided a new one i guess.. cos it's too much clutter.. and the less i have the more contented i am.. now my life's complete.. with my family.. my dream.. my pets.. and my love.. these are all that matters.. and all that i can ever bring with me to my grave.. and that is.. my love for them and their love for me..

Aunt Carol: Thanks for the emails and smses.. getting in touch with you closed off the chapter in my life that was left hanging.. now that it's been closed.. we can move on to another level i guess.. still think of you very much.. Kor sends his regards asking you to take good care of yourself.. You will always have a place in my heart.. in our hearts.. thanks.. for the love you've sent through your mails.. at the end of the day its all that matters.. 

Jonathan: Never got the chance to thank you for all the wonderful memories you've painted in my life.. and for having to right the wrongs in my head.. God bless the beautiful soul you have.. really really soo happy for you now that you've found your place again in the sun.. the testimonial that you are.. after that call you made.. you have no idea the relief that came afterwards.. all the questions i've never had answered.. and the chapter was closed.. My dear friend.. you'll always be special to me.. forever a friend i'll think of and smile.. 

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