Compassion

Journal Entry
by anonymous

I had this dream several times, the one where you and I are together again. Remember how we used to always play tag back in the day? It was just like that, me running away from you. First we’re running down the stairs across the hallway where we always hung out and played whenever it was raining outside. We’ll run outside to the backyard and in front of the pear trees where we spent so much time playing football or soccer. Remember that? I was always on your team. Then around the house, that spot where I kinda walked by while you where peeing and saw your boy-part by mistake. I always wondered why you couldn’t just run inside and use the bathroom.

We’ll run down the street to the corner store, where we bought plenty of now-and-laters and airheads before we headed off to school. We’ll make that turn on the street, passing the old pizza/laundry-mat/convenient store place. We’ll go for a few more blocks until we reached the old lot in front of the elementary school where we used to play jump high despite all the broken glass and garbage that was all over the place. Suddenly we find ourselves chasing each other around in the park where we spent several Fourth of July’s watching the fireworks. I’ll always remember you screaming like a girl and playing with sparklers. You’d chase me all over the place, to Saint Mary’s where we used to play in the sand while our parents went fishing, or to the bridge where we’ve caught several fish just using fishing line and no actual pole. We were ghetto and Khmer like that.

The bridge is burned down now. We can’t go there to fish anymore. In my dream we’ll try to run back home, you still chasing me. We’d pass the old lot, now a nice parking lot without all the garbage and broken glass. Other kids would be playing there, in the same spot we used to play. The pizza/laundry-mat/convenience store, now just a place that sells old washing machines. Past the gray house that should look familiar to you now, since your family decided to move there. Down to the corner store that still sells the same candies we loved when we were kids. Finally out of breath, we’d reach home.

And then I turn around, only to realize that you’re no longer behind me. How did I lose you along the way? Maybe I just forgot that home was no longer your home, too. I’d run back to the gray house, expecting to see you there only to be greeted by the loud sirens of an ambulance and the vision of body bag being rolled into it. Why did you do it? What happened to us? Don’t you remember all the fun times? Maybe the memory of our childhood wasn’t enough.

I don’t remember when I truly lost you, but I know now it was long before you decided to end your life. Maybe there should have been more between us than just those scenes of our youth. Maybe I should have let you catch me instead of always running ahead and not waiting for you. You’ve left me behind this time, and all I have are those passing scenes in my dreams and the reminder of how we were and the thoughts of how we should have been. In my dreams, I’ll picture everything as they were. No burned bridges and no need to run home.