Compassion

Journal Entry 2
by anonymous

When I was little, I couldn’t do anything about it. He screamed at me when I did nothing wrong, only because I was too young to say anything back. He yelled at me when my siblings did something bad, only because I was the only one home for him to take his anger out on. I was a good girl. I did nothing to make my parents upset. And yet, he always found an excuse to raise his voice at me. When my mom got into an argument with him, I couldn’t do anything about it. I stood there against the wall as he pushed her down and slammed the phone against her head. I stood there and watched as he poured the pot of salaw she spent time cooking for us all over the floor. He broke almost all the glass cups that were out and pushed mak-yeay out of the way when she tried to calm him down. I was too small to do anything about it.

That fuckin’ ass hole thought he knew everything: constantly calling me stupid, looking down at my dad, and acting as if he ran the house. Looking back on everything, they depended on him because he was the one that spoke English well. He spoke for the family. They depended on him, and I depended on him. I used to look up to him and sometimes put my father down because of that. But now I know. The ability to speak English well doesn’t make a person smarter than anyone else. My parents’ inability to communicate fully in English is not a refection of their intelligence. Their minds aren’t limited by what they can say in a language that is not their own.

After all these years, I’ve grown to see that he’s the dumb fuck in the family. How does it feel to be put down? How does it feel when someone makes you think you’re stupid? I’m old enough now. I know what’s right and wrong. He acts like he knows everything. I’ll point out his stupidity. He yells at me. I yell at him back. He pushes anyone around, I’ll push back. Lay a hand on my mom, I’ll kick his ass. If he insults my dad, I’ll point out that it took him 6yrs to get a degree from a 2yr community college. Even with that he’s been unemployed for 2 years.

I know he’s frustrated. He knows we don’t need him anymore. I’m old enough now to look after my parents. We don’t need his opinion. I know enough now to make the right decisions. We don’t need him to speak for us. I am strong enough now to stand up for my parents. We don’t need him pushing us around.

And yet, despite all the shit that he’s done to us, he’s still family. He’ll always be a part of it and there’s nothing I can do to break that bond.