Student can't wait for tuition fee jump

Jeremiah P. Hobo

Collingwood fresher Nathaniel Smythington-Bumphle, 19, loudly proclaimed that he was "jolly, jolly chuffed" at the recently-announced government initiative which will raise tuition fees to up to £3000 per year.

Smythington-Bumphle, the product of a very minor public school in deepest Surrey, is already known to other students as the man who has yet to pick up a book, or even leave the bar. Despite this he has already managed three firsts for work completed as part of his intellectually-stimulating Sport in the Community degree.

"I can't bloody wait until those new fees come in. It'll get rid of all the bloody plebs who are in this bloody good university. First there was that Stockton place, full of common Northern types; next thing you know they'll be letting in people from the Provinces. I mean, those bloody Welsh, they're all inbred anyway," says Smythington-Bumphle, the result of a long line of inter-family marriages. "Daddy pays loads in taxes so these kind of people can stay on the dole, and now they're saying that education is a right. Well, what's wrong with Oxford? That's where you go if you want an education, innit?"

Smythington-Bumphle, who regularly overspends on the £450 per week allowance sent to him by his father, hopes to follow in the family tradition of stockbroking at Grabbit, Floggit and Run. "I'll be on, like, a billion quid a year when I graduate," Smythington-Bumphle drawls in the Estuary English favoured by his chums on occasions, whilst simultaneously downing another glass of Pimms.

Following the briefest of interviews, the young man intimated that he was going to Hollathan's to meet his long-term girlfriend of two weeks, Camilla Montague-Bowes-Trent. As he left, he asked our reporter if there was any chance he could borrow a tenner to pay for his taxi down.

"I'm so very proud of my darling little boy," says Symthington-Bumphle's mother whilst giving orders to her house-maid Marai, an immigrant of doubtful origin, to send him his freshly washed chinos and checked shirts. "He did so well in his exams (3 Cs at A-Level), and I'm sure he'll make loads of friends. Not that he needs to; half his school went there as well."