Steve Rayner missing after bizarre trophying incident

Aunty Gherkin

Collingwood senior tutor Steve Rayner is missing, presumed missing, after a bizarre incident on Saturday night involving a group of students from University college on a visit to Collingwood as part of a college bar crawl. The students, following the highly frowned-upon bar crawl tradition of "trophying" an item from every college on their route, reportedly stumbled across Dr Rayner in his office where he was apparently working late. His current whereabouts are unknown; college staff are said to be "mildly annoyed" by the academic's disappearance.

An investigation into Dr Rayner's current location has so far been unsuccessful. The prime suspect in the enquiry is Castle finalist James St. John, a single man and avid Star Trek fan, who has thus far denied any knowledge of the incident. Allegations against him remain unconfirmed; however, reports of suspicious behaviour have been noted by those close to Mr St. John.

"It's not just the odd noises we hear occasionally," says neighbour Jennifer Maloney. "'Oh God', 'I can't take it any more', 'let me out of here', that kind of thing. Those are normal enough. But when I found that Stoke FC shirt crumpled up in the corner of his room . . . well, everyone knows what a fervent Arsenal supporter James is. It just didn't gel, you know."

Robert Cameron, a Castle first year, has come forward as one of the group responsible for Dr Rayner's disappearance but is refusing to reveal the academic's hiding place or name any of his fellow culprits in the kidnap. "It's sad really," he tells the Gherkin. "We just stuck him in a cupboard somewhere with a few traffic cones and a road sign we picked up. Nobody really knows what to do with him. We didn't actually know what we were doing at the time, honestly . . . it was dark, you know, and well, with that beard we just thought he was some kind of oddly-shaped house plant."

Alan Titchmarsh was unavailable for comment; however, our sources reliably inform us that he is perving at that bird from Ground Force who never wears a bra.