English department set to welcome eminent peer's son

Aunty Gherkin

The University of Durham's English department today announced that it was "honoured" by the most recent addition to its list of next year's undergraduate students, the eldest son of hereditary peer and eminent member of the House of Lords, Lord Smithingly Humpledink Forster.

Henry Smithingly Humpledink Forster Junior will reportedly be joining the five-star rated department at the start of the next academic year, in spite of revelations in a tabloid newspaper recently by the young man's ex-tutor asserting that he is "a raving imbecile." "He's going to study English? He couldn't even spell it!" sneered tutor Dr Robert Watford on hearing of Smithingly Humpledink Forster's acceptance into Durham.

Although the young peer has by all accounts performed poorly throughout his academic career, he has nevertheless been predicted all A grades by his tutors at Eton, where he is studying for his A-levels. "I know academically Henry's performance hasn't been exemplary, but we know he's got it in him," said the Eton Head of Sixth Form from the driver's seat of his brand new Bentley.

It may be this optimistic prediction of A grades which has prompted the offer of an unconditional place on the English Literature course by academics within the Durham English department. While most students applying for this course are expected to achieve two A's and a B grade or higher at A-level before being guaranteed a place, Mr Smithingly Humpledink Forster has been offered a place regardless of his final A-level achievement. "This is not the norm as far as admissions procedure is concerned," says Professor Michael O'Neill, chairman of the Board of Studies, "but the boy's father contacted the department and assured us that his son was capable of nothing but the highest academic performance should he put his mind to it, and let's just say that Lord Smithingly Humpledink Forster can be a very persuasive man."

Henry Smithingly Humpledink Forster Junior is said to be delighted by his acceptance onto a course which is famous for its low number of lectures per week. When asked to comment by our reporter, the young peer gigglingly told the Gherkin: "My Daddy's got a Porsche, you know." He is expected to fit in at Durham extremely well.