College officers' outrage at "inexcusable" damage bill

John Heerow

College Officers were today in crisis talks after discovering the outrageous cost of this term's bill for damage to college property.

An anonymous spokesperson for the group told the Gherkin: "It is absolutely ridiculous. There has only been one vomit incident all term, which totally goes against the college spirit of vomiting at every formal, damaging ceiling tiles, and leaving pizza boxes everywhere. If things carry on the way they are then we may have to consider increasing the wine allowance at formals and allowing the bar to stay open until 2am."

The gloom was further added to by the tale of one unidentified student who, in a sober state, reportedly called one of the porters "a very nice chap" to his face. "This kind of civility is wholly unexpected and quite confusing," said the porter in question (translation from Geordie to English courtesy of Reet Canny Translations, Like).

A similar hostility towards the damage charges pervaded the JCR. One student, when questioned by our reporter, commented: "If things go on like this we could all end up having 1 penny each added to our college bill next term. I mean, it just isn't on. I had allocated £5.00 for it - how am I going to spend the rest of it now?"

It is hoped that further discussions will find an eventual solution to the problem, which has only recently started to get out of hand. Former Collingwood student Kieran Jarvis commented "This never used to be a problem when I was at Collingwood. Damages were usually well over £5 a term for each person and vomiting was a regular occurrence. It saddens me to think that there has been less and less damage each year since I left. It seems that the legacy of previous Collingwood students has been forgotten."

It is unknown how the crisis talks are currently progressing; however, phone calls made to "Dial a Drink" which can be traced back to the seminar room where the talks are being held seems to suggest that the college officers intend to get roaring drunk themselves in order to augment the existing damage and add the charges to the students' college bills. "Well, at £50 per vomit from the JCR, who wouldn't?" slurred an anonymous source, dribbling beer down his faded Stoke shirt.