Senior Tutor offered lucrative contract

John Heerow

Tongues were wagging throughout college yesterday when it was revealed that Collingwood Senior Tutor Dr Stephen Rayner had been offered a lucrative contract with top male cosmetics company Brylcreem.

Dr Rayner was unfortunately unavailable to comment; however, an anonymous spokesman from the SCR told The Gherkin: "As far as I know the rumours are true. Steve has been approached by Brylcreem with a 6-figure deal to star in some television commercials and do various promotion work up and down the country."

The interest shown in Dr Rayner seems to have stemmed from a recent consumer survey conducted by Brylcreem apparently concluding that 'Physics is the new Reality TV'. Says a reporter, "the reality TV bubble has burst, and now people want something even more time-consuming, pointless and mind-numbingly boring to watch on their screens. Physics topped the survey. It's great, stars and vectors and all that - you'd be mad not to want to watch it!"

Scouts from Brylcreem have been scouring the country searching for a suitable Physics Lecturer to front their campaign, and Dr Rayner's abundance of hair apparently swung the vote in favour of the popular Physics Tutor. "He's exactly what we are looking for," says a Brylcreem spokesman. "He has a good head - not to mention face - of hair, which is well-managed and in great condition and he wears trendy clothes - the Stoke look is really in this season."

The Physics department were reported to be 'mainly unconcerned' when informed that Dr Rayner could potentially miss teaching some of his lectures whilst travelling the country promoting. However, the SCR, MCR and JCR at Collingwood College are delighted at the news and hope that Dr Rayner will sign on the dotted line within the ten-day deadline. "It's great news for Collingwood," says student Pete Jones, whose father once featured in the fastest finger first round of 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire'. "It will boost intake no-end. I just can't wait for us to be crammed into college like sardines!"

It is now feared, however, that Rayner's dreams of stardom will be dashed as a result of his new clean-shaven look post-DUCK auction. Although the doctor protests unconcern, relying on his natural wit and charm to bring him through, this does not alter the fact that a man answering to his description has been seen in wig and false beard shops throughout the area.