Student disqualified from Arts competition over controversial entry

Edna Morris

The future of the SCR-funded Fine Arts competition was undecided today, after one student took his quest for a winning entry too far. Luke Smith-Willis, a third year Modern Languages student, shocked judges with his Damien Hirst-inspired take on college life. Split between three separate formaldehyde-filled tanks, his piece of work consists of what is alleged to be one of the ducks from the Collingwood pond.

Smith-Willis remains indignant at his disqualification from the competition. In an exclusive interview with The Gherkin, he told us: "This is an example of the fascist philosophy inherent in the college system. The college officers need to get out of the dark ages and view my work as the true genius it is. My work is a post-modern deconstructionalist look at the essence of communal living, and at Collingwood in particular. The ducks on the pond are part of the very fabric of Collingwood, and I have exposed the true inner nature of their being. In this way the heart of college life becomes visible to all." After what has been deemed "a senseless waste of animal life" by the University Senate, it has yet to be decided whether Mr Smith-Willis, who has been deemed "a pretentious twat" by almost everybody, will be entitled to graduate.

College officers have apologised to students for any disturbance caused as a result of the current RSPCA investigation, although head of kitchen staff Julie Crawford would not confirm whether the inspectors would also be examining the college kitchens. All rumours that animal rights activists plan to blow up Collingwood are as yet unconfirmed, although some of us are becoming increasingly worried about the odd ticking sound coming from inside the pool table.

If the contest does go ahead, The Gherkin's money is on 1st year Marcel Cavendish's 'Untidy Room' as a clear winner. In a brilliant homage to Tracey Emin, Marcel has refused to allow college cleaners access to her room for several weeks, in order to build up the required amount of dirt and mess. There are predicted to be several entries along such lines, but Marcel is convinced that by February 20th, the closing date for submission of work, her room will be sufficiently squalid to be a definite contender for the £30 first prize. Other favourites include "A Study in Spam", consisting simply of a half-eaten plate of college food, and the inspired "Traffic Cone: A Still Life".