New Mr Collingwood crowned

John Heerow

From amidst the chaotic and crazy fund-raising tomfoolery known as DUCK week, a new Mr Collingwood has emerged among the masses of willing young freshers.

The annual competition puts nominated fresher males through a series of gruelling tasks and feats of endurance before a panel of judges and a crowded bar. This year, the tasks were of a slightly different nature to those of previous years as the organisers felt the competition should centre around practical skills which would be useful in everyday life. "The tasks all highlight essential qualities any Collingwood student should have," said one of the judges.

In the first round, the contestants were presented with a pint of Aftershock which they were asked to down in the shortest time possible. "Me, I just wish it had been absinthe," boasts competition finalist Andrew Deakin. Deakin was one of only 4 contestants to make it through to the next round, several others being disqualified after they left the bar to have their stomachs pumped.

Following this was the Anti-Hatfield round. Each contestant was asked to sing the chant "The Famous Hatfield College Went to Rome to see the Pope", with points awarded for loudest vocals and singing with particular venom. The boys then followed this up with their favourite Hatfield joke: classics included "How many Hatfielders does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they always get their maid to do it!", and the slightly more controversial "You know you're a Hatfielder if your brother, your Uncle, your cousin and your Father-in-Law are all the same person."

Half way through the competition, the audience were allowed an interval during which they could buy drinks from the bar etc; however, there was no rest for the intrepid heroes of the competition as they were sent out in search of rare treasures in the "Trophying" round of the contest. Items trophied included a pair of dungarees from Marys and a rather stunned-looking Aidans porter; however, the unanimous winner of this round was English student Tom Jenkins, who somehow managed to trophy the Prince Bishop boat, which he left in the turning circle. Mr Jenkins, a fully-fledged member of the Magic Circle, smugly refuses to reveal how he accomplished this astounding feat.

However, the crowd favourite and eventual winner who shone throughout the competition, in particular the 'chat-up-the-dinner-lady-because-you've-lost-your-meal-card' round, was Physics student Peter Stockard. "I'm well chuffed, I didn't think 'nice hat, you must show me underneath it some time' was a particularly good line, but the crowd and judges obviously thought otherwise" reported the beaming champion.

Of course, these madcap antics were not in vain - it was all for charity. During the traditional cash dash as the penultimate round, along with the increased drink prices at the bar, an impressive total of 329 pence was raised. "This is the sort of giving we like to see in DUCK week," commented an obviously very pleased member of the DUCK committee, Mary Wyndon-Broom (Millionairess).