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Jokes
Page Five
Drunken Fools
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in the bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"
I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds, "You don't say. I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," replies the second man, and they both pour back their drinks.
Curios, the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin!" The men both continue drinking. Curiosity strikes again and the first man asks, "What school
did you go to?"
"St. Mary's," replied the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable," the first man says. "I went to St. Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"�
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.�"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Mally twins are drunk again."
Ponder These
If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?�
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?�
When a cow laughs, does milk come out its nose?�
Why do they put Braille on the number pads of drive-through ATM's?�
How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?�
If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on the pan?�
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?�
What's another word for thesaurus?�
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?�
What do they use to ship Styrofoam?�
Why is abbreviation such a long word?�
Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?�
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?�
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?�
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?�
Why do they call it a TV set when you have only one?�
What was the best thing before sliced bread?�
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?�
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?�
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?�
Why is it that when men are driving and looking for an address, they turn down the volume on the radio?�
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?�
What do you do if an endangered animal eats an endangered plant?�
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?�
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?�
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?�
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?�
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?�
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?�
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?�
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?�
Tickle Me Elmo
A women desperately looking for work goes into Erwin. The Personal Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing worthy of her. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything.
The Personal Manager hums and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the "Tickle Me Elmo" line and nothing else.The woman happily excepts.
He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should be in for 8:00 AM the next day.�
The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the Personal Manager's door. The "Tickle Me Elmo" line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is the Personal Manager suggested he show him the problem.�
Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired, she has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sowing them between Elmo's legs.
The personal managers starts to kill himself laughing and finally after 20 minutes of rolling around he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says: "I'm sorry I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."�
What Were YOU Thinking?!
I was scared at first. It was very wide, and very long, and it angled straight up. I decided I had to try it once. I slowly and carefully eased myself onto it. It felt weird at first. Then I got used to it. I went up and down, and up and down on it. I was really loving it.�
Now I ride on escalators all the time.
~~~
I squeezed it gently at first, then a little bit harder. There seemed to be more and more of it. I moved it towards my lips. It was a strange and new sensation for me. I put it in my mouth and moved it around and around with my tongue. The time soon
came when I knew I had to spit it out.�
It was quite an experience the 1st time I tasted toothpaste.
~~~
It was laying limp in my hand. It was very long, kind of thin. I slid it between my fingers until I got to the end of it. I was turning it on. It became firm in my hands, and the end was wet. Then it got very hard and began gushing out of the tip.
Then I took the garden hose and watered the bushes.
Porn Star Gives Birth!�
A woman is just about to give birth in the hospital when she says to the doctor, "Doc, do me a favor. Tell me what color the baby is as it's being born."�
The doctor is understandably a little puzzled at this. "Why? Don't you know what color the child is going to be?"
"Well", says the woman, "The problem is that I'm a porno actress and the child was conceived during the making of a film. I have no idea who the father is."
"Okay", says the doctor, "I'll do it for you but it is most unusual."�
The baby begins to be born and the doctor says, "Here comes the head! It seems to have yellow skin and the eyes are slanted. Was one of the actors Chinese?"
"Yes, doctor he was.", says the woman.
"Wait", says the doctor, "The chest and arms are out and they seem to be very dark. Was one of the actors black?"
"Yes, doctor he was."
"Wait, now the legs are out and they're very fair. Was one of the actors Norwegian?"
"Yes, doctor he was." So the doctor pulls the baby free and gives it the traditional slap on the backside. The baby lets out a healthy "Waaaahh" and starts crying.
"Oh, thank God for that!", says the woman, "For a moment there, I expected it to bark!"
Anyone For A
LifeSaver?
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of Lifesaver candies and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons, and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored Lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your mommy and daddy probably call each other all the time."
Instantly, one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Spit 'em out, they're
assholes!"�
What Is?
What is the definition of mixed emotions?�
�� When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
What is the height of conceit?�
�� Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
What is the definition of macho?�
�� Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
What do the LAPD and the Green Bay Packers have in common?
�� Neither of them can stop a Bronco.
What is George Michael's new song?
�� Zip Me Up Before You Go Go.
What is the weather like in Tahoe?
�� Gloomy all over and Sonny around one tree.
What is 8 straight days of oral sex?
�� Hanukkah Lewinsky.
Who Came First? The Chicken or The Egg?
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking put out.�
The egg mutters to no one in particular, "I guess we answered THAT question."
Great Come-Back Lines for Women!
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."�
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"�
Woman: "Do not Enter"
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"
Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing".
Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?
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The
Coffee Pot