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Jokes
Page Three
Only In America!
Only in America... Can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.�
Only in America... Are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.�
Only in America... Do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke.�
Only in America... Do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.�
Only in America... Do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage.�
Only in America... Do we use answering machines to screen calls. Then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.�
Only in America... Do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.�
Only in America... Do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "poli" in latin meaning "many," and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures."
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How To Shower Like A Man
� 1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.
� 2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way,
flash her making the "woo" sound.
� 3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your dick in the mirror, scratch your balls and smell your fingers for one last whiff.
� 4. Get in the shower.
� 5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one)
� 6. Wash your face
� 7. Wash your armpits
� 8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
� 9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.
11. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
14. Pee (in the shower).
15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hang out of the tub the whole time.
16. Partial dry off.
17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire dick size.
18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
19. Leave bathroom and fan light on.
20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your dick, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.
21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.
And What Were YOU Thinking?!
Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter.
Everything the girl touched, would melt. No matter what, metal, wood, plastic, etc. Everything she touched would melt! Because of this, men were afraid of her and nobody would dare to marry her.
One day a wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that would not melt in her hands, her symptom will be cured."
The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition, any man that
can bring his daughter an object that would not melt, gets to marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
Three young princes took up the challenge.�
The first prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest and will not melt. But, alas, once the princess touched it, it melted! The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought a very hard alloy, but the same thing happened.....so he too went way.
The third prince told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel the object."
The princess did as told, though turning red. Ta Da! The object did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed!!! And, the third prince lived happily with the princess ever after........
Question: What was the object?
Answer: M&M's Chocolate - melts in your mouth, not in your hand!
........Now what were you thinking?!
Poem for Moms and Dads
Now I lay me down to sleep,�
I pray my sanity to keep.�
For if some peace I do not find,�
I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.�
I pray I find a little quiet�
Far from the daily family riot�
May I lie back--not have to think�
about what they're stuffing down the sink,�
or who they're with, or where they're at�
and what they're doing to the cat.�
I pray for time all to myself�
(did something just fall off a shelf?)�
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed�
(Oh no, another goldfish--dead!)�
Some silent moments for goodness sake�
(Did I just hear a window break?)�
And that I need not cook or clean--�
(well heck, I've got the right to dream)�
Yes now I lay me down to sleep,�
I pray my wits about me keep,�
But as I look around I know--�
I must have lost them long ago!
Old Ladies Say The Damnedest Things
Two old women were sitting on the bench talking, when one asked the other,�
"How's your Paddy holding up in bed these days ?"�
The second old lady replied, "He makes me feel like an exercise bike."�
"How's that?"�
"He climbs on and starts pumping away...but we never get anywhere."
A Little Q & A For Ya!
Q. You know why its best to have a nudist wedding?�
A. You can really tell who the best man is!�
Q: What is a nymphomaniac?�
A: It's a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does
CONFUCIUS SAY...
Before becoming master fisherman, must be master baiter.�
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.�
He who eat too many prunes, sit on toilet many moons.�
Man who scratch ass, should not bite fingernails.�
House without toilet is uncanny.�
If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.�
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.�
Man who screw in pantry, have ass in jam.�
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.�
Wife who put husband in doghouse, soon find him in cat house.�
Wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn.�
Secretary not permanent till screwed on desk.�
Man who put cream in tart, not always baker.�
War never determine who right, just who left.�
A bird in hand make hard to blow nose.�
It take square ass to shit brick.�
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.�
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.�
Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.�
Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.�
Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.�
Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.�
Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk.�
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.�
Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.�
Man who learn to masturbate--come in handy.�
Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.�
Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone.�
Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit.�
Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.�
Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.�
Man who kisses girls' behind, gets crack in face.�
Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.�
Girl who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.�
Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.
ACTUAL BUMPER STICKERS
Constipated people don't give a shit.
Practice safe sex, go fuck yourself.
If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.
Please tell your pants its not polite to point.
If that phone was up your ass, maybe you could drive a little better.
My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.
Thank you for pot smoking.
To all you virgins thanks for nothing.
If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling.
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings,"
If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
Horn broken...watch for finger.
It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.
If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.
Sayings that Should Be on Bumper Stickers
Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
Do I look like a freaking people person?
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
How many times do I have to flush before you go away?�
I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Too may freaks, not enough circuses.
It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.
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The
Coffee Pot