Jokes
Page Two

A woman goes to a zoo, and while there was watching the monkeys.�
A zoo attendant throws a box of fruit into the cage and all the monkeys scurried to get their share.
One particular �monkey grabbed a banana and climbed up on a limb and carefully peeled it. The monkey then stuck the banana up his rectum and pulled it out and ate it.�
The poor woman who witnessed this was absolutely disgusted!�She immediately went to the zoo manager to complain about the dirty monkey.
After explaining what the monkey did, the zoo manager said,
"We have a perfectly good explanation for that ma'am."
"Well, I would like to hear it then! I cannot imagine any excuse for that kind of behavior!", exclaimed the woman.
"Last week the attendant threw a box of fruit into the cage and the same monkey grabbed a peach. ...The monkey ate it so fast he swallowed the pit."
"I don't understand", demanded the angry woman.
"Well, you see the monkey had so much trouble passing the pit, now he sizes everything before he eats it!"

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo.
She's wearing a cute, loose fitting pink sleeveless dress with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt.�
The zoo isn't very busy this morning.
As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla.
The gorilla notices the woman and goes ape (no pun intended). He jumps on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet, he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand.
The husband, noticing the excitement thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor ape even more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom at him.
So she plays along and seductively purses her lips and giggles her bottom at the ape.
Seeing this the gorilla gets even more excited and starts making noises that would wake the dead.
The husband then suggests that she let one of her dress straps fall off her shoulder and show a little more skin.
She does and the gorilla is about to tear the bars down.
Seeing this the husband says, "now try lifting your dress up to your thighs and sort of fan it at him".�
This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he starts doing flips.
The husband grabs his wife by the hair, pulls open the door of the cage and shoves her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.
"Now, tell Him you have a headache!"

CAT HAIKU

You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will show you.
You must scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail!
�Behold, Elevator butt.
The rule for today:
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
Want to trim my claws?
Don't even think about it!
My cries will wake dead.
Humans are so strange.
Mine lies still in bed, then screams!
My claws aren't that sharp.
We're almost equals.
I purr to show I love you.
Want to smell my butt?

Three Little Pigs
The teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs.
She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home.
She said ".. And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said "Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?"
Then the teacher asked the class "And what do you think that man said?"
Little Johnny raised his hand and said "I know! I know!
He said ... "Holy Shit!! A talking pig!"

"3 Birds Sitting On A Wire"
A teacher was helping her students with a math problem.
She recited the following story:
"There are three birds sitting on a wire. A gunman shoots one of the birds. How many birds are left on the wire?"
A boy pauses. "None," he replies thoughtfully.
"No, no, no, let's try again, " the teacher says patiently.
She holds up three fingers. "there are three birds sitting on a wire.
A gunman shoots one," she puts down one finger, "how many birds are left on the wire?"
"None," the boy says with authority.
The teacher sighs. "Tell me how you came up with that."
"It's simple," says the boy, "after the gunman shot one bird, he scared the other two away."
"Well," she says, "it's not technically correct, but I like the way you think."
"Okay," chimes the boy, "now let me ask you a question.
There are three women sitting on a bench eating popsicles. One woman is licking the popsicle, one woman is biting the popsicle, and one is sucking the popsicle.�
Which one is married?" he asked innocently.
The teacher looked at the boy's angelic face and writhed in agony, turning three shades of red.
C'mon," the boy said impatiently, "one is licking the popsicle, one is biting, and one is sucking.
"Which one is married?"
"Well," she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied, "the one who's sucking?"
"No," he says with surprise, "the one with the wedding ring on. But I like the way you think."

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