Jokes
Page One

One day at school, the topic of the day was, "What part of� your body goes to Heaven first?"
Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher saw this and thought to herself, 'Oh no! Johnny always says something bad - I'll make sure he's the last one I call on!'
So,�instead the teacher calls on Susie.�
Susie says, "I think your brain goes to Heaven first because you have to be smart to go to Heaven."
The teacher congratulated Susie, "That's very good, Susie!"
Then, the teacher calls on Mary.
Mary says, "I think your heart goes to Heaven first because you have to love to go to Heaven."�
The teacher congratulated Mary, "Very good, Mary!"
By this time, Johnny is waving his hand, "Oh, oh, oh!"�
The teacher gets ready and says, "Okay, Johnny, it's your turn."�
Johnny gets up and says, "I think your feet go to Heaven first."
The curious teacher asks, "Well, Johnny, that's very good!�
But, why do you suppose your feet go to Heaven first?"�
"Well," replies little Johnny, "last night I walked into my parent's room, and my mom had her feet in the air, screaming, 'Oh God, I'm coming, I'm coming!'"

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

By the time the sailor pulled into a little town every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."�
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."�
"No problem," the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll take it."�
The next morning, the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
"Never better."�
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring?" "Nope. I shut him up in no time," said the Navy guy.�
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.�
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the sailor explained.
"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight Beautiful,'
...and he sat up all night watching me."�

Mr. Smith was brought to Mercy Hospital (a Catholic hospital), and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand.
"We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Then can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.
"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun questioned sternly.
"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters - they are married to God."
"Wonderful!" said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law!"

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.
His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.
"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his Grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.�
"Grandpa, what are you doing ?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck."�
"This was your Grandma's idea."

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.�
The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

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