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Jokes
Page Twelve
Fair Weather Phone Call
A husband and his wife were sound asleep when suddenly the phone rang. The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? How the heck do I know? What do I look like, a weatherman?!" He then slammed the phone down and settled back into bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"I don't know. It was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."
Little Cream and Sugar.........
A man stops by a diner at noon, the busiest time of day, sits down at the counter and asks for a cup of coffee.
The waitress, who is very busy, gives him his coffee and rushes off to help the numerous customers having lunch at the diner.�
The man, who uses both creamer and sugar in his coffee, notices that the container is empty. As the waitress rushes by, he asks her to bring him cream and sugar for his coffee.
The waitress, busier than she can ever remember being before, rushes to the back to pick up more orders. As she passes the cabinet where the extra sugar and cream are kept, she sets a plate down and puts sugar cubes and creamer packets in her bosom because both her hands are full.�
After she has served the two plates she was holding, she returns to the man and asks him,�
"How many sugar cubes did you want in your coffee?"�
The man says, "Two's fine."�
She reaches into her bra, pulls out two sugar cubes and drops them into his cup.�
"And cream?" she asks.�
The man looks at her, squarely in the eye and says, "You wouldn't dare!"�
A Jewish girl come home one day and announces, "Ma, I got married."�
"Oy, that's great.", her mother says.�
"But Ma, he's an Arab.", the girl continues.�
Her mother replies, "Oy, that's terrible!"�
"But Ma", the girl goes on, "He's an Arab sheik. He's wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. You and daddy are going to live in the lap of luxury for the rest of your lives!"�
Six months later, the girl walks into the house and says, "Ma, I love my Arab sheik, but my God, all he wants to do is screw me in the ass. Day and night, that's all he wants to do. When we got married, my asshole was the size of a dime...now it's the size of a silver dollar!"�
Her mother says, "So for ninety cents you're going to make trouble?"
Two chickens were having an intense discussion....�
"The farmer sells my eggs for a $1.00 a dozen."�
"That's all? Why, he gets $1.10 for my eggs! And mine are much bigger than yours are."�
"Hey, I should bust my ass for a dime?"�
Jim woke up one morning with an enormous erection so he turned over to his wife's side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, Jim called his little boy into the room and asked him to bring a note to his wife. The note read:
The Tent Pole Is Up,�
The Canvas Is Spread,�
The Hell With Breakfast,�
Come Back To Bed.�
Heather answered the note and then asked her son to bring it to her husband. The note read:
Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.
Jim read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to bring it to his wife. The note read:
The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.
Heather answered the note and then asked her son to bring it to her husband. The note read:
I'm Sure That Your Pole's�
The Best In The Land.
But I'm Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand!
A man was complaining to a friend, "I had it all - money, a magnificent house, a fast car, the love of a beautiful woman...then, poof! It was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked the friend.
"My wife found out..."�
A Little Q and A
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?�
A. It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
Q: What does a rooster have that a man wants?�
A: A hard pecker.
Q: What kind of bees give milk?�
A: Boo bees.
Q. Why does a one-story brothel make more money than a two-story brothel?�
A. Because there's no fucking overhead
Q. Why is a joke like a pussy/dick?�
A. Neither is any fun if you don't get it
A girl of 23 married a man of 84, and her friends asked her how her honeymoon went.�
"Well," she laughed, "Did you ever try to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank?"�
Everyone Has A Name for "IT"... --even these guys!
.........What's yours Called?
This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar but decides, what the heck, I really want a drink.
A gay waiter approaches and he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?"
The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink".
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine, for instance, is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really Satisfies'."
The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.�
The customer turns to the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, and asks, "Hey, bud, what's the name of your penis?"
The man to the left, with a smile, looks back and says, "TIMEX."�
The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?"
The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"
A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right sipping on a fruity margarita. "So, what do you call your penis?"
The man to his right turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because quality is Job #1". Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"
Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis.�
He turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is "Secret." Now give me my beer."
The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"
The customer says, "Strong enough for a man but made for a woman!"�
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely
~~~
Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts
THE Ying and Yang Of It All
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?
If the "blackbox" flight recorder is never damaged during a crash, why isn't the whole damn plane made out of that stuff?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
And Now for Some Verse........
There was a young man from Pool
Who had concentric rings 'round his tool
He went to a clinic
The doctor--a cynic--
Said "wash it, it's lipstick, you fool!"
~~~
I'd rather have fingers than toes,
I'd rather have ears than a nose,
And a happy erection,
Brought just to perfection,
Makes me terribly sad when it goes!
And The Winner Is........
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them gets in.�
St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven.
She takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity."�
St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Queen Liz the same question.
She then drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it.�
St. Peter says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in".�
Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own creations, she performs a disgusting, hygiene act, and gets in and I don't?!!!"�
"Sorry, Dolly," says St. Peter, "but a royal flush beats a pair any day."�
Miss
Bee And The Condom
Miss Bee was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
Her pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bee had flipped...or something! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.
When she returned with the tea and cookies, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.
"Miss Bee," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this." (Pointing to the bowl.)
"Oh yes," she replied, Isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall, and I found this little package. It said to put it on the organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease.
And you know, I think it's working! I haven't had a cold all winter."
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The
Coffee Pot