Jokes
Page Eleven

Don't Look Ethel !
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was a few sandwiches short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some actually joined in with her fun.
One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and a man stepped out with his arm outstretched. "Stop!" he said in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag on her lap and pulled out a Kit-Kat wrapper, which she held up to him. "Okay," he said and she went on her way. Taking the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, another man stepped out in front of her and shouted, "Stop! Have you got valid insurance papers for your vehicle, madam?" Ethel again dug into her handbag and found a scrap of paper which she held up to him and he allowed her to carry on. Going down the final corridor before the front door, a third man stepped out in front of her. This one was stark naked and was holding a sizable erection in his hand. "Oh no!" said Ethel. "Not the breathalyzer again!"

One Of The Many Uses For... Vaseline
A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed, he asked her if she knew his company, Cheseborough-Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer was "yes." Asked how she used it, she said "to assist sexual intercourse." The interviewer was amazed. He said "I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the
child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for sexual intercourse." "Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?"
"Yes, we put it on the door knob to keep the kids out.

Broken A Hard Drive?
This guy stopped at a florists shop after work to pick up roses for his wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses. "I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch."
The desperate customer turned to the man and begged, " May I please have those roses?"
"What happened?" the man asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"
"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I broke my wife's hard drive."

Jack Schitt ~ The lineage is revealed...
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says. "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can handle the situation.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt, Awe Schitt the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc. In turn Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because the kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseperable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a duel ceremony. The wedding anouncement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned home with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.�
So now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt" you can correct them.

Dinner Anyone?
Two cannibals catch a victim, and agree to share.�
They start to 'chow down' and the first turns to the second. "Hey, how you doing?"
"Man, I'm having a ball!" says the second
"Slow down! You're eating too fast !!!"

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!"
She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?!"

How Dumb Can They Get?!
Two Brunettes, Tracey and Stacey, were walking down the street. Tracey noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up.
She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar."
The second Brunette, Stacey, said, "Let me look!"�
So Tracey handed her the compact. Stacey looked in the mirror and said,
"You dumb nut, it's me!"

Drunken Fools�
Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building-by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."
The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in heck that could happen."
1st Man: "No it's true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.�
The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."
1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window.
Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.�
2nd Man: "Well what the heck, it works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'�
Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker: "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."

A REALLY Bad Day
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say,..." "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."�
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

I'd HATE to be THESE KIDS !�
A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C. gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.�
The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Maryland came in and named them."�
The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!"�
She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"�
"Denise." says the doctor.�
"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"�
"Denephew. "

Definitely A Couple Of Fries Short of A Happy Meal
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn with the teeth.

Ponder These....
A lawyer soliciting a potential client told the man he got his last three clients suspended. What he didn't mention was that they were all hung.
The mother of three notoriously unruly youngsters was asked whether or not she'd have children if she had it to do over again.
"Sure," she replied, "but not the same ones."
Work like you don't need the money.
����� Love like you've never been hurt.
���� Dance like nobody's watching.

Don't Make a Nurse Angry
A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.�
She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared�
his rear end.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" and she leaves the door to his room open on her way out.�
He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing.
After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation anyway."

OH NO !!! THE POOR GUY!
A man with a 25-inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is unable to get any women to have sex with him. They all tell him that his penis is too long. "Doctor," he asks in total frustration, "Is there any way you can shorten it?" The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you out." So the doctor gives him directions to the witch. The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my penis is 25-inches
long and I can't get any women to have sex with me. Can you help me shorten it? "The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I have a solution to your problem. What you have to do is go to this pond deep in the forest. In the pond, you will see a frog sitting on a log who can help solve your dilemma. First you must ask the frog, will you marry me? Each time the frog declines your proposal, your penis will be five inches shorter." The man's face lights up and he dashes off into the forest. He calls out to the frog, "Will you marry me?" The frog looks at him dejectedly and replies, "NO!" The man looks down and suddenly his penis is 5 inches shorter. "Wow," he screams out loud, "This is great!!" But he is still
too long at 20 inches, so he asks the frog again." "Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouts. The frog rolls its eyes back in its head and screams back, "NO!" The man feels another twitch in his penis, looks down, and it's another 5 inches shorter. The man laughs, "This is fantastic." He looks down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflects for a moment. Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal. Grinning, he looks across the pond and yells out, "Frog, will you marry me?" The frog looks back across pond shaking its head, "How many times do I have to tell you? NO, NO, and for the last time, NO!"

[The Coffee Pot]

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