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Jokes
Page Ten
Things My Mother Taught Me
My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."
My Mother taught me MEDICINE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"
My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"
My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to�me!"
My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.
My mother taught me ABOUT SEX...
"How do you think you got here?"
My mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You are just like your father!"
My mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."
My mother taught me about RECEIVING...
"You are going to get it when we get home."
And my all time favorite thing- JUSTICE...
"one day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU.. then�
you'll
see what it's like.
Wisdom Teeth
One day a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how
much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.
"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a
cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use anaesthetic,
I can knock it down to $60."
"That's still too expensive," the man says.
"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and
simply rip the teeth out with a
pair of pliers, I could get
away with charging $20."
"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."
"Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one
of my students do it for
the experience, I suppose I could
charge you just $10."
"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday !"
Beware Of The Following Viruses:
Monica Lewinsky virus........Sucks all the memory out of your computer.
Lorena Bobbit virus..........Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.
Ellen Degeneres virus........Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.
Titanic virus................Makes your whole computer go down.
Disney virus.................Everything in the computer goes Goofy.
Mike Tyson virus.............Quits after one byte.
Prozac virus.......Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.
Woody Allen virus.........By-passes the motherboard and turns on daughter card.
Joey Buttafuoco virus........Only attacks minor files.
Spice Girl virus.............Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.
Ronald Reagan virus..........Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
Dr. Kevorkian virus.....Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.
Oprah Winfrey virus..........Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB,
and then slowly expands to 300MB.
AT&T virus............Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI virus............Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you're paying� too much for the AT&T virus.
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus........Terminates and stays resident.� It'll be back.
Viagra virus.......Expands your hard drive while putting too much� pressure on your
zip drive.
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. After a few minutes, he starts�dialing
numbers....like a telephone...but on the back of his hand.
He� then flips his hand
over, and starts talking into the palm of his� hand.
The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough�neighborhood and he
doesn't need any trouble from weirdo's.
The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone� installed in
my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular."
The bartender says "Prove it !", so the guy dials up a number and� hands his hand to
the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and�carries on a brief
conversation
"That's incredible," says the� bartender, "I would never had believed it."�
"Yeah" said the guy "I can� keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it.
By the way, where�is the men's room?"
The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return.
Fearing the worst, the bartender goes into the men's room.
The guy is spread-eagle against the�wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a
roll of toilet paper�shoved up his butt.
"Oh my god!" said the bartender, "Did the locals�rob you? Are you hurt?"
The guy casually turns around and says, "No, I'm OK. I'm just waiting� for a fax!"
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The
Coffee Pot