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Jokes
Page Nine
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a
problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful
garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy
snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for
you."
"What's a 'man', Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an
enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and
faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and
kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not
altogether bad in the sack."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.�But then the wife stops and says,�
"I don't feel like it, I just want you to�hold me."
The husband says, "WHAT??"
The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might
as�well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store.
He� walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't�decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and
get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry�Department where she gets a set of diamond
ear rings.
The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out -- but she�does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it."
The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is�going on. She says "I am ready to go, let's go to the cash register."
The husband says, "No, no, no, honey we're not going to buy all this
stuff."�
The wife's face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a
while"
Her face gets really mad and she is about to explode and the Husband says, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!!�
Who is Jack Schitt?
The lineage is revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says. "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can handle the situation.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt, Awe Schitt the fertilizer
magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc. In turn
Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six
children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins
Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.�
Against her parents objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school
dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because the kids were living with
them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as�Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken
Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseperable throughout childhood
and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a duel ceremony. The wedding
anouncement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son,
left home to tour the world. He recently returned home with his new Italian
bride, Pisa Schitt.
So now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt" you can correct them.
A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a
young woman with three small children running around her. He asked her
if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed, he asked
her if she knew his company, Cheseborough-Ponds. When she said no, he
mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly
knew of that product.
When asked if she used it, the answer was "yes".
The market researcher asked how she used it, she said "to assist sexual intercourse."
The researcher� was amazed. He said "I always ask that question because
everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the
child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it
for sexual intercourse."
"Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?"
"Yes, we put it on the door knob to keep the kids out.
A man stopped at a florists shop after work to pick up roses for
his wife.
As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man�
burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.
"I'm�sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch."
The desperate customer turned to me and begged, " May I please have�those roses?"
"What happened?" he asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"
"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I broke my wife's hard�drive."
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The
Coffee Pot