What was triangulation anyway? He had invented it but even he was sometimes shaky on the details.

He thought it might be helpful to go over the situation with Lance. Having all the facts would facilitate whatever plan he might come up with.

Lance's burping had slowed down enough so he could talk. Dickie asked him, "How many different people we're dealing with here?"

Lance burped and replied, "Eight. Four with the rolling outhouse, which by the way is broken down about 95 miles south of El Paso, and four more, in two separate vehicles. They're headed for Texaco, Mexico.

"Why Texaco?"

"Because that's where DB thinks his rolling outhouse is. He had told Chompy about magic outhouses there and Chompy had got it in his mind to go see them. But he forgot to tell DB he was taking the RO.

"Who's with Chompy?"

"His long lost brother, Chunky, who lost his ass when Maria ran over it."

"Tell me about Maria."

"A beautiful Mexican girl, age 19, who grew up in Texas."

"What's a girl like that doing in a situation like this?

"She was hoping to find out who was responsible for destroying her ancestors' home town.

"And what town might that be?

"San Manse'"

Dickie heard the words but he couldn't believe them. The car swerved violently as he fought to regain control of both the car and himself. Like a wild animal, he cried out in pain, "San Manse'!"

*********

Lucy (aka Natasha) stumbled when DB hit the ground. A Belly hitting the ground had been known to cause minor earthquakes around Dime Box. The shock caused the gun to slip out of her hand where it fell to the pavement and accidentally went off. The bullet that was meant for DB instead found the lower adbomen of Mot, who had been standing incredously, wondering why in the world the sweet young girl named Lucy he had met in Houston while trying to buy his freedom would ever want to shoot anyone. He crumpled to the ground beside DB.

The loud gunshots had aroused the local populace and a man came running up and shouted, "What's going on here?"

To which Fogg replied, "I say my good man, who might you be?"

The man responded, "I am the police."

"May I see your badge?"

"Badge? I don't need no stinkin' badge!"

***********

Fogg kept a wary eye on the sports car. When he saw a woman exit the car with a gun in her hand, he leaped to the dirt of the taco stand parking lot, yelling, �watch out, she�s got a gun!�

Mr. Belly heard nothing. He was in what he sometimes called a �fud coma,� rapidly ingesting the tenth of the 36 tacos spread over the outdoor table.

Fogg crawled over to the table and again said loudly, �gun! She�s got a gun!�

Mr. Belly then looked over at the young woman. He said, �dadgum, I�m sure glad ol� Billy Bob didn�t let you git down here without no dadgum gun. That�s there one�s purty dadgum little though. Billy Bob ought to know better thin that. I got some spares in the truck. I�ll loan you one a them after we done eatin�. Hope you all ain�t real hungry, cause the feller�s gonna have to go catch some more dogs �fore he can make no more tacos. I got a box a Moon Pies I can spare, though.�

**********

When Lucy (aka Natasha) saw that the gun going off had enraged the giant stomach man and had caused him to go into a rampage, she knew that her chances for continued breathing of the earth's global-warmized atmosphere had reached critical mass. She therefore did what any decent KGB agent would do in a situation like this (and believe it or not there had been many similar situations), she pretended that she was dead.

Chapter 42

Fogg yelled, �she�s shooting!�

Mr. Belly was back to his fud coma, but that was soon interrupted when he yelled, far louder than Fogg, �dadgum, you shot my dadgum Shiner!� Mr. Belly began to rise from his seat at the picnic table, too hurriedly though, and he became stuck. While yelling �you gonna pay for shootin� my dadgum Shiner!,� Mr. Belly began hurriedly pulling the table apart, piece by piece, to liberate his belly. And throwing the pieces of wood, with remarkable accuracy and velocity, at the armed woman.

Fogg shouted, �stop! I think she�s dead!?

Mr. Belly said, �well, it serves her right, dadgum it! You don�t go �round shootin� a man�s Shiner, dadgum it! But my dadgum belly is still stuck.�

So he continued to pull pieces of wood off the table and fire them directly at the offending Shiner shooter. At last, Mr. Belly�s belly became free, and he fell to the ground with the final destructive effort. He hadn�t noticed that the gunfire had stopped. But then, he hadn�t noticed when it began either. Bellys have long been known to celebrate fuding with gunfire, but a central tenet of the Belly Way is that if you hit any fud while firing a gun, you are in big trouble. And if you hit a Shiner, the official Belly Drink, you are in bigger trouble.

Mr. Belly hurried over to the sports car. With one movement, he flipped it over onto its side. Then he flipped it one more time, onto its roof. Then he went over to the woman, who wasn�t moving and whose eyes were closed, and said, �well, you went and done it now. Dadgum, you went and shot a Shiner. Billy Bob ought to told you that there�s a hangin� crime. Now, I want me a case a cold Shiner, or that dadgum car ain�t gonna be drove no more. And I ain�t waitin� long. You stop playin� possum and go git me some dadgum Shiner!�

**********

It suddenly occurred to Lucy (aka Natasha) that pretending death wouldn't work. These guys were too stupid to think that she was dead. So she switched to KGB Strategy Two in a Situation Like This (STSLT). She started blabbering in her native Russian. She was worried though that this might not work. It was supposed to cause confusion, enough to give her a chance to escape, but it was already so much confusion, it might have the opposite effect and clarify matters. That wouldn't be good.

**********

Your ON here. The reader is probably wondering, why isn't Mot dead or seriously injured? After all, a stray bullet from Lucy (aka Natasha) hit him square in the gut. Well, the answer is simple, and entirely consistent with the logic of this novel, quite possibly the worst ever. He was wearing a gullet, a steel-lined, bullet proof wallet that wraps around the waist. It was invented by a fellow Georgian pig farmer, Sloppy Samsky.

Chapter 43

Mr. Belly told Mot and Fogg, "you wake up that sorry dadgum Ledbetter girl, and when she gits woke up, you tell her to go git me a dadgum case a Shiner, and then come back here and build a new dadgum table for Jose and his folks."

Fogg said, "I say we should get out of here before the police arrive."

Mr. Belly replied, "good night, Frog, don't you know you ain't got to worry 'bout no dadgum policia here? Shoot, this here's Belly country. Everbody knows grandma. Don't you? I got me the SOB [Sign Of the Belly] marked on my belly, a course, and a mess a pesos on top a all that there. Shoot, if any a them dadgum policia give me any dadgum trouble, I'll put 'em ta buildin' that dadgum table. Now, if we was to leave here without fixin' a new table for Jose, now that's when we'd have ourselves some worryin' ta do. That there would be a fud crime, see, and Bellys jist don't put up with that, even them little Bellys on grandma Maria's side."

**********

As Mr. Belly was picking up what he could salvage of the remaining 24 tacos he hadn't consumed when the excitement began, Mot exclaimed, "she's Russian!"

Mr. Belly didn't hear, having entered another fud coma.

Fogg ran over immediately, saying "what?!"

Fogg was reaching for the pistol that had fallen from "Lucy's" hand when Mr. Belly shouted, "don't touch that dadgum gun!"

Fogg stopped, and asked, "why? Fingerprints?"

Mr. Belly said, "you git seen holdin' a dadgum sissy gun 'round here, and folks'll thank yore a dadgum Yankee or worster. You jist cain't be carryin' on like that 'round these parts, see? Folks carrys real guns, and don't much care for them what use them little bitty thangs. Jist leave that little ol' toy gun where it's at. It'll make a nice toy for one a Jose's childern."

Just then, Mot said to Fogg, "come here. She's telling me all about her assignment. Stupid dadgum KGB! They didn't train her how to keep mouth shut when hit by board thrown by American giant. She's telling me everything. Makes me ashamed to be former commanist."

Fogg said, "but I don't speak Russian."

Mot said, "well dadgum, you have to take my words for it. Comrade Belly is right. In America, farmer is king. Even South America."

Chapter 44

Resigned to the fact that only Mot could effectively interrogate the not-quite-conscious KGB agent, Fogg joined Mr. Belly on the ground beside the taco stand. He said, "I must say, chap, that you were quite magnificent in disarming that dastardly woman with your skillful wood throwing."

Mr. Belly, who was on the very of starvation anxiety, having consumed all the fud within sight, said, "oh shoot, thowing boards ain't hard. I been doin' that since I was five. I'll tell you what's hard is pig tossin'. Shoot, I been tossin' 'em all my life, and still ain't thowed me one dadgum spiral. And ever dadgum big belly Belly can thow 'em. Truth be told, I'm the sorriest thowin' Belly that they are. Wonder why that is, Frog?"

Fogg had no idea what he was supposed to say at what seemed to be an almost poignant Belly moment, so he said, "You know what? I believe it's time for some Moon Pies!"

Mr. Belly's face lightened immediately. "Dadgum, yore right, Frog! Shoot, why didn't I thank a that? We got us fud right there in the dadgum truck. Shoot, let's go git some."

As Mr. Belly and Fogg passed Mot, they heard him say in a soft voice, "I have her entire plan, every last detail. Every name. Every time. Every Swiss bank accout number. When she awakens, we will have great commanist fun, dadgum it."

***********

Faced with the prospect of several days and nights going both moon pie and Shiner-less in a Mexican jail, DB knew he had to do something drastic. So he turned on the charm.

"Who cares 'bout a badge? Lets us go 'cross to that fancy resto-raunt and I'll buy you some good Mexican fud!"

The Mexican policeman responded, "Are you offering me a bribe?"

"Yep, I shore am."

"It's about time.

**********

Mr. Belly was perplexed. Even more than usual. He said to Mot and Fogg, "you mean ta tell me that Billy Bob's niece has become a dadgum commanist?"

Mot said, "I don't think she is niece of Mr. Rev. She is KGB."

Mr. Belly said, "Wail, I don't care what kind a cagey she is. She went and shot my dadgum Shiner and she's gonna have to git me a dadgum case of it to make it right. And I'm gonna tell Billy Bob he better keep his dadgum nieces from becomin' dadgum commanists too, dadgum it."

Mot tried to explain, "Comrade Belly, I think Lucy has deceived Mr. Rev. And she owes me twenty-five dollars too, dadgum. But now we know all her secrets. So when she awakens, we can pretend that she is still Miss Lucy and play tricks on her."

Mr. Belly fairly shouted at Mot, "dadgum it, how many times I got to tell you. When that dadgum Ledbetter gal wakes up, the first thang she's gonna do is go get me a case a Shiner, and then she's gonna build a dadgum table for Jose. That's what Belly Justice says she got to do. I cain't let word git out that a Belly went and let nobody shoot my dadgum Shiner and make me tear up a dadgum eatin' table. See?"

Now Mot was perplexed, but he was getting used to it. He told Mr. Belly, "OK, so I go wake up KGB commanist woman, tell her to go get Shiner and build table. How do we keep her from escape?"

Mr. Belly said, "she ain't gonna do no 'scapin' out here. Jose done got the word out ta all his folks that a dadgum crazy lady done broke Belly rules and shot a Shiner. They spectin' us ta hang her. Just send her off to git the dadgum Shiner. I tell her where, and Jose'll sell her a new table. I done give him the money what was in that little ol' car she was drivin'. That's what's nice 'bout tumblin' a car on its roof. All the dadgum money falls right down where it's easy to pick up. Jose can keep what he wants. I swear, it's jist breaks my heart ta thank a Billy Bob's niece becomin' a dadgum commanist and cagey what not. And runnin' round with a sissy gun."

Chapter 45

When a second policia car pulled up onto the dusty parking lot, Mr. Belly gazed for a second and then began to run. Literally run, a frightening sight for all those who saw it and felt the tremors. He right directly at the policia officer. Everyone thought he was going to be shot. Then he loudly exclaimed, "Bobby Juan!"

And the officer exclaimed just as loudly, "Donnie Bob!"

And the two ran into each other with bellys extended, what would later be described as the ritualistic "Belly Bounce," a Belly way of greeting relatives after an extended period of not seeing each other.

After the bouncing ritual had been completed, Mr. Belly said to Bobby Juan, "oh, goodness no, we don't want to put the dadgum commanist gal in jail. Shoot, she's Billy Bob's niece! 'Course, she gonna have to make the Shiner right, you know that. Just take that dadgum gal over to the Gomez place and have her get enough Shiner for all of us. I reckon I better take the truck now that you all is here. A case sure won't do. I done paid Jose for the table and there's plenty more a that dadgum commanist money for you all too. 'Course, we still need some more fud. I'm dadgum near storvin' right now. You got to help us out with that there."

**********

Just when it seemed it like some sense of restraint and control were returning to the situation, a dusty Geo came screeching to a halt beside Lucy (aka Natasha). One of the back doors flew open and a lanky man with a pot belly wearing a trenchcoat and sunglasses jumped out, picked up Lucy (aka Natasha) and threw her into the back seat, then followed her in, slamming the back door. The Geo then hightailed off into the Mexican desert.

Deep Belly cried out, "She's gettin' away fore she bought my Shiner!"

Fogg could only exclaim, "Bloody good show!"

Mot wailed, "Lucy (aka Natasha)!"

DB then said, "If I didn't know better, that was ole Dickie a'drivin' that car." Then turning around to Mot and Fogg, "Well, boys this is gittin' serious. Jump in the truck. We're a'goin' after them and there's a'goin' to be hell to pay."

Chapter 46

Mot approached Mr. Belly, softly saying, "we must talk about commanist woman. I don't trust crazy stuff she has been saying. So I look on her laptop..."

Belly interrupted, saying "dadgum Mot, don't you go messin' with that gal's lap! Shoot, I don't care if she's gone commanist, carries a sissy gun and ain't no good at shootin', you leave her dadgum lap alone while she's a sleepin', OK?"

said, "no. Computer. Here is her assignment from KGB - get secrets of Fecal Fusion Accelerator."

Belly said, "talk that in Texan there, Mot."

Mot said, "Potty Burner. Commanists want it."

Mr. Belly said, "well shoot, they can have it far's I'm concerned. Dadgum thang never did work no good. I want my dadgum Cleveland 450 back in there, and Buford and the dadgum commanist Ledbetter girl can have the dadgum thang. Guess I ought to call Buford 'fore givin' in up though. Shoot, I'll have to call the boy up anyways sos he can tell me where the dadgum rollin' outhouse is."

Mot continued, "commanist woman's lap..computer says she get Potty Burner and take it to San Manse'. You know San Manse'?"

Mr. Belly said, "why shoot yes. Dadgum, everbody knows San Manse'. Don't you? Dadgum, I like San Manse'. Best dadgum BBQ I never had outside a Belly BBQ. Shoot, I wouldn't mind goin' down there soon as we done drankin' here. It's gonna take a while here, though. Bobby Juan's got a mess a goat barbecuein'. You know what, I'm 'fraid the commanist gal didn't get enough Shiner. I was thankin' a pig trailer full would do, but dadgum, they's more Bellys come over then I was countin' on. Go tell Jose to give you some more a that commanist money, and get another trailer full a Shiner."

**********

As the Geo plowed through the desert at ninety-five miles per hour, Dickie asked Lance, "How is she?"

"She seems ok, Mr. Dickie. She ain't saying much. She's got a deer in the headlights look."

"Well, give her time. Dealing with a Belly in a crisis situation can be traumatizing, even to an experienced KGB agent."

"Where we headed?"

"We've got to find the rolling outhouse before DB does. Then it's to San Manse'. "

"Why?"

"Why you ask? Simply the fate of the world hinges on what happens in the next (fill in the blank) hours.

In the back seat, Lucy (aka Natasha) groaned.

Chapter 47

Bobby Juan shot out the tires on the Geo the minute he saw it. No particular reason; he just didn't like Geos, and he could use some car flipping practice. Dadgum little bitty cars were irritating to him. When a gunshot rang out from inside the now stationary Geo, it irritated him. So, in traditional Belly fashion, he flipped it over on its side, and then over on its roof. The Belly Flip had been completed. Bobby Juan figured his performance would get him a solid 8 in the Belly Games. He'd have to get in more practice.

Then he saw the commanist gal and some strange lookin Gringoes. Well, dadgum it, Bobby Juan was going to put them all in jail, no matter what cousine Donnie Bob had to say. That Donnie Bob is just too dadgum nice to Gringoes. Grandma Maria wouldn't approve.

**********

Your ON here. We're having a plot crisis, a seeming contradiction. There's an explanation, of course. That's why we interject from time to time, to explain, to clarify, to fix plot inconsistencies. In this case the explanation is quite simple. Yes, Bobby Juan did shoot out the Geo's tires and did flip it over in typical Belly fashion, but this was no ordinary Geo. It was a specially built Bill Clinton model. It was able to resist all efforts to destroy it no matter how legitimate the efforts might be. It was built with special tires that re-inflated after being blown out with gunshots and also a gyro-stabilizer (called a de-bellyizer in spy circles).

**********

Maria fell into a deep sleep. Exhaustion had defeated frustration, at least temporarily.

She began to dream. She was standing in a valley, a beautiful, peaceful valley surrounded by snow-peaked mountains. Standing by a stream was a man, singing without benefit of musical instruments.

"Changes were bound to be made/ but some of us were afraid

Afraid we might lose our way/ along the road to San Manse'

I know the color of your heart/ the senseless way you tear it apart

I know there's a price to pay/ along the road to San Manse'"

Maria awoke with a start underneath the shimmering desert night sky. She thought she had heard the sound of footsteps running away. Had it been just a dream?

**********

DB had fueled up both the truck and his stomach, and he, Fogg, and Mot had left the little Mexican village in a new direction. They were no longer headed for Texaco, Mexico. They were following a Geo.

Fogg asked DB, "How will you know when you are close to the rolling outhouse?

DB answered, "I'll smell it."

**********

Meanwhile, Dickie, Lance, and Lucy (aka Natasha) were headed straight for the rolling outhouse. They were guided by a FFADD (Fecal Fusion Accelerator Detection Device). Dickie had brought it along just in case.

Dickie called back to Lance, "Is she still out?"

"No, she's coming to." replied Lance.

Lucy (aka Natasha) slowly sat up in the seat from the fetal position she had been assuming. She asked, "What's going on?"

"Well, hello, Natasha. That is your real name, isn't it?"

"Oh, Dickie, is that you?

"Yes, it's me and I know your little secret."

Chapter 48

Dickie hesitated briefly, then spoke, "Yes, Lucy (aka Natasha), it's me, Dickie. I wonder what had happened to you after our tryst in DC." Dickie tried but could not hide the hurt in his voice (and his soul).

Lucy said nothing.

Dickie blurted, "Why, why did you have to leave me, Lucy (aka Natasha)?

Lucy replied, "Three reasons, basically." (When she said this, Dickie thought to himself, why does everything in my life have to do with the number three?) "One, I was reassigned. Two, I didn't like the way you looked at my feet. Three, I was upset because you only made pants for men. In the Soviet Union man and women wore the same pants."

Dickie looked at Lucy (aka Natasha) through the rearview window, "You do realize that the Soviet Union ceased to exist as a political entity back in 1989?"

Lucy just laughed, "What's that got to do with the KGB?"

************

Mr. Belly carefully dialed the number of the "sale phone" Buford used. When he heard Buford say "how long's that dadgum pizza gonna be anyway?", he knew he had finally dialed the correct number.

He said, "this here's uncle D, Buford."

Buford said, "well dadgum, are you here in College Station?"

Mr. Belly said, "I don't thank so. Far's I know, I'm purty close to Texaco. Anyway, what I'm wantin' to know is where yore radio outfit says the dadgum rollin' outhouse is. And the nextest thang is do you care if I give that dadgum potty burner to a commanist lady?"

Buford replied, "uncle D, you been in the Wild Turkey again?"

Mr. Belly said, "why no, not here lately. I jist lookin' for the dadgum rollin' outhouse and what not."

Buford said, "well, I'll tell you where it's at in a minute. Whatever you do, though, don't let anyone get their hands on it. Shoot, uncle D, we got the dadgum Department Of Defense interested in it. They want to buy the dadgum thing. Can you believe it? Some of those Washington people want to use our Aggie Potty Burner to fight wars. Dadgumed if I know why, but I willin' to sell for the right price. So you keep folks from messin' with it. Now, about the rollin' outhouse. What I'm showin' on the map is that it's right off the main road between Texaco and San Manse, 17 kilometers south of Texaco. Bring me up some goat BBQ, OK?"

**********

**********

The next morning Maria pondered the dream of the night before. She knew now what she had to do.

She spoke to Chunky and Chompy as they handed her a cup of coffee and a moon pie, respectively. "I must go to San Manse.'"

Chunky and Chompy both shouted at once, "How are you going to get there? The RO is dead in the water."

Maria said simply, "I'm going to walk there. For some reason I believe it is very close to us, within walking distance."

Both Chunky and Chompy agreed that Maria should not go alone. Enrique would stay and watch (if it's possible to watch anything while sleeping) the RO. Chunky could be heard to mutter, "I've already lost my ass. Now what?"

********

Col. William Q. Travis slouched in the seat of the Land Rover as his driver sped past the slow traffic on the dusty Mexican highway, and pondered his lousy fortune. He had missed Afghanistan as the Special Forces showoffs had all the fun. Now he was going to miss Irag. And for what? To chase down a damn outhouse, of all things, in rural Mexico, of all places. The words of Gen. Patton, his boyhood hero, rang in his mind. And what exactly is the difference betwenn shoveling shit in Lousiana and searching for shit in Mexico? He wasn't seeing any. A shit job no matter how you look at it.

Chapter 49

Special Agent Davy X. Crockett of the KSFC (Keep the Special Forces in Check) division of the FBI believed he had the best job in the world. He got to keep those vain glorious Special Forcers in line. This time it was his old nemesis, Travis, an especially arrogant SFer, which is to say on a scale of 1 to 100, where 100 is top level, rated a 1000.

Crockett didn't know exactly what Travis was up it but he knew whatever it was it included mayhem, blood, pain, and destruction. There were places of the world no longer habitable thanks to Travis.

Crockett fingered the AK-47 on the passenger seat and grimly pushed the Humbee into fifth gear.

**********

With Lucy (aka Natasha) tied up in the back seat, Dickie and Lance jumped out of the Geo and rushed toward the rolling outhouse. The door was opened so they just walked right in. Lance remarked, "Boy, this place stinks!"

Laying on one of the fold-out cots was a young Mexican man, fast asleep. Dickie shook him gently. When that didn't work, he threw some Shiner over his face. Enrique awoke instantly spouting a multitude of Spanish curse words. Dickie jerked Enrique off the cot and demanded of Enrique, "Where is she?"

Enrique stammered. He dimly remembered talking with Maria. She had said she was going somewhere. All he could say was, "She who?"

With that remark, Dickie slapped Enrique and sent him flying into an opened box of Elizabeth Post facial quality tissue paper. Enriqued groaned. He then whispered, "San Manse'".

Dickie screamed at Lance, "Let's go! It may be too late!"

Lance exclaimed, "What about DB?"

Dickie said, in a calmer voice, "Don't worry. He'll follow us."

Lance asked why. Dickie replied, "Because we're taking his supply of Elizabeth Post with us."

**********

They spotted Maria and the two old guzzlers about two miles from the RO. Dickie had pulled to the edge of a weathered mesa that overlooked the surrounding desert. Using binoculaurs they looked across the barren landscape and could see things weren't the same. Maria, Chunky, and Chompy were walkin' and talkin' as they transversed the desert sands headed for San Manse'. Dickie wondered if they would be lost among the ruins.

Lance looked over at Lucy (aka Natasha), who was still tied up and said, "Apparently you're not the only beautiful woman in this novel."

Dickie could only groan and think, "I hope the author isn't going to include a love triangle in the plot.

*********

Col. Travis said to his driver and aide, Sgt. Joe Parker, "OK, so tell me about this Patty Burner."

Sgt. Parker said, "it's the brainstrom of on Buford Belly. Belly's a strage bird, and not just his name."

Col. Travis interrupted, saying, "Sgt., when you go through life named William Travis, you develop a strong resistance to making fun of names. Do you read me, Sgt.?"

Sgt. Parker said, "yes sir. Getting back to Belly, he's a Ph.D. candidate in physics at the age of 23. There's a bidding war going on among several corporations that are ready to pay him over a million dollars, but the guy's not sure he even wants to work in physics. Says if he could only 'grow a belly,' he wouldn't have to work such a 'sorry job.' Yet, he's single-handedly done the best work ever in creating a fairly high-energy form or animal manure conversion. This is a big deal, of course, since it would help solve two of the biggest problems of modern conventional warfare - getting fuel for motorized vehicles and keeping human waste from becoming a health problem. If you can burn shit and do it well, you've got a combat goldmine. And Belly is the key.

"Now, his prototype is currently in his uncle's 'rolling outhouse.' That's what we're going after. And we're not alone. Intel tells us at least four different countries are looking for the Patty Burner. What they don't know is that you don't need the whole thing. Just the accelerator. That's where all the technology is. The rest of the burner is just a big cylinder where the conversion takes place. He got his out of one of his uncle's whiskey stills, as a matter of fact. We know where the accelerator is, and the other guys don't."

Chapter 50

Col. Travis and Sgt. Parker found the rolling outhouse exactly where Buford Belly had told them it would be. Just like in the satellite photos, this one one weird-looking vehicle. They had company, though. A Mexican police van was parked behind the outhouse.

Sgt. Parker said, "uh oh. Looks like they're going to tow it away."

Travis said, "just get the accelerator, and they can blow it up for all I care." Approaching the outhouse, they heard a heated discussion in progress. Mr. Belly said, "no! dadgum it, Dandy Don was a whole lot better at tossin' then ol' Roger ever was. I ain't sayin' that Staubach wadn't purty good, but he wadn't no Dandy Don."

Travis entered the outhouse, saying, "you're absolutely right. Staubach was Navy, and you just can't trust those sailors."

Mr. Belly replied, "the dadgum outhouse ain't workin'. Cain't take one more dump, dadgum it. Ya'll welcome to a Moon Pie and Shiner though. Who ya'll anyways?"

Travis said, "Col. William Travis, U.S. Army, sir."

Mr. Belly stood, too rapidly, and hit his head. Recovering his composure, such as it was, he saluted and said, "dadgum, you really a dadgum colonel?"

Travis said, "yes sir. And sent here by Mr. Buford Belly, on a mission that is very important to our country's national defense."

Mr. Belly said, "dadgum, I always wanted to be in the Army but they said I was too dadgum big, dadgum it. Can I be in yore mission?"

Travis said, "you certainly can, sir. We're here to obtain an item Mr. Buford Belly directed us to pick up. If you would, gentlemen, please step out of the vehicle for just a few minutes."

Mr. Belly tried saluting again, this time with his right hand, and led Mot, Fogg and Bobby Juan out of the outhouse, picking up five boxes of Moon Pies as he left. He dropped one with a last salute to Col. Travis.

Minutes later, Sgt. Parker said, "here it is."

Travis said, "a 12-pack of Budweiser?"

Parker replied, "that's right. Buford covered the accelerator with a Bud box. He knew his uncle would never touch it."

As Travis and Parker left the vechicle, Mr. Belly said, "good night. You find that mess in there? You shore done the country right, gettin' rid a that sorry stuff. Dadgum, it scares me to thank I had such as that in my own dadgum outhouse."

Travis said, "well, now the place is safe. Glad to help out."

Mr. Belly then said, "can I be a sergeant for today? I always wanted to be. And are you kin to Mr. Col. Travis what was at the Alamo?"

Travis said, yes and yes, sergeant."

Mr. Belly said, "well, I'll be dadgumed! I'm in the Army a workin' for Col. Willaim Travis! Shoot, and right here in Mexico too. You want to join up too, Bobby Juan?"

Bobby Juan said, "no, cousin D, and don't push it, OK?"

Travis and Parker were soon back in the Land Rover. Travis asked, "well, what now?"

Parker said, "we're to drop this off for a helo that's to meet us on the outskirts of San Manse."

Travis asked, "where the heck is San Manse?"

Parker said, "don't worry, I know the way to San Manse."

**********

Crockett knew it was now or never. Travis had to be intercepted, delayed, and impeded. The FFA belonged to BOM (Back to the Outhouse Movement) if not legally at least in spirit. Crockett's Northern Mexico FBI Region Chief (code name Acapulco) had made a deal with Mosath Eyskin, the founder of BOM, to trade the FFA for the secrets of San Manse'. Eyskin was presently holed up in San Manse' in the ruins of the Temple of the Golden Chariot.

As it happened the desert road from the rolling outhouse to San Manse' went by a weathered mesa that looked out on a barren landscape where one could see things weren't the same. This was no time for walkin' and talkin' so Crockett sat grimly behind the wheel of the Humbee waiting for his chance. The Humbee was hidden by a row of cottonwoods that were watered by a deep spring. His plan? A simple one. When Travis came by Crockett would ram the Humbee into the side of Travis' GIV (government issued vehicle), causing the vehicle to flip on its side (designated in FBI manuals as the 'Belly Manuever'). While Travis and his assistant were dazed, Crockett would rush in and grab the FFA and transmit it to Eyskin in San Manse'.

A good plan but would it work?

**********

Following the army colonel down the dusty desert road, Deep Belly suddenly had a thought cross his mind, "I don't 'member seeing any Liz Post toilet paper in the dadgum outhouse!"

Mot who was riding with DB suddenly had a thought, "Is Lucy (aka Natasha) alright?

Fogg who was riding with both DB and Mot suddenly had a thought, "Bloody exciting, isn't it?"

Enrique who had feigned sleep while all the turmoil was going on in the outhouse, and therefore had not been noticed, and who had snuck into the back of DB's truck, suddenly had a thought, "Now I will get my chance!"

Chapter 51

Maria stopped walkin' and talkin'. So did Chumpy and Chompy. She looked behind her to a weathered mesa that itself looked across a barren landscape where one could see things weren't the same. She had a quiet, pensive moment, then spoke, "I think we're being followed."

Chompy asked, "Who could it be, Maria?"

Maria replied, "Take your pick. It could be El Bellysario and his minions. It could be the United States Army or the FBI. It could be a Bill Clinton ex-advisor. But whoever it is they do not know the trick I have up my sleeve."

Chunky said, "But Maria, you're wearing a tank top."

"That is true, Chunky," replied Maria, "and if you make another dumb remark like that you'll lose a lot more than just your ass."

"What should we do?" Chompy asked. Chunky was wisely holding his tongue.

"We continue walkin' and talkin'. Legend has it that is the proper way way to enter San Manse'."

********

Dickie's binocs picked up clearly the face of Maria when she turned around and looked back in their direction. She was stunning. Why must I (Dickie) always kill the beautiful ones?

Turning the binocs in the other direction he spotted three vehicles, a Humbee hiding behind a row of cottonwoods, a GIV going about fifty miles per hour, followed a large truck with a pig trailer attached to it. He pulled down his binocs and spoke to Lance,

"Get the bazooka out of the trunk."

Lance obeyed dutifully and after moving several boxes of Liz Post facial quality tissue paper out of the way, he was able to successfully yank the bazooka from the trunk. He handed it to Dickie.

"Mr. Dickie, don't you think the violence is getting out of hand?"

Dickie replied, slowly, as if framing his words for posterity, "Violence can be a virtue."

**********

Lucy (aka Natasha), still tied up, watched with anger as Dickie assembled the bazooka. She was mad because the KGB no longer had a budget for weapons of mass destruction. She was forced to use snub nosed 38 Saturday night specials.

Dickie noticed that he was he being noticed and asked Lucy (aka Natasha), "What were you doing posing as the niece of Billy Bob Ledbetter? Everybody knows he's just a charlatan."

"The KGB Research Staff concluded that Ledbetter was the best fund raiser in America. He promised more, delivered less, and therefore produced a larger profit margin. Just the sort of operation the KGB was looking to emulate."

"What truncated your mission?"

Lucy (aka Natasha) admired Dickie's steel trap mind and his ability to cut to the heart of the matter. She had to admit that her heart was still ravin' and she still had a cravin' for Dickie. But then there was Mot. What's a KGB spy to do?

"It was a spur of the moment decision. I told Billy Bob I was leaving to seek out new suckers for him. He agreed that it was a good idea. But in reality I saw a chance to steal the Fecal Fusion Accelerator and sell it on the Black Market."

"Then I showed up."

"Yes."

Chapter 52

They were plowing through the desert following the GIV. DB was drinking a Shiner and polishing off yet another moon pie. Fogg was sleeping in the seat beside him while Mot had opted to ride in the pig trailer. Looking through the rear view mirror DB noticed that Mot looked sad and forlorn. DB thought to himself, "I knowz how dat boy feels. I missed the Liz Post tissue paper too." Another thought crossed DB's mind.

Just then DB's sale phone rang. He answered it, "Howdy!".

The voice on the other line,"DB, is that you? This is ole Sloppy!"

DB replied, "Ize kinda busy right now, Slopman."

"I know you are. In fact the whole dadgum country knows you are.

DB's first thought was that Sloppy had been in the moonshine again, "What you talking about?"

"Me and Messy Mabel and Sloppy Jr. have been watching you every night on the ABC station here in North Galbutt. You're the star of a new reality show called 'Imbiber: The Ultimate Challenge to Reality'. It's a big hit on ABC and boy they needed one."

All DB could do was sputter, "How in the world?"

"'Parently some whipper snapper is following you with a hidden camera and selling the film to ABC. ABC is also running a contest, 'How much can DB eat?'. Nobody's even come close. I'd enter the contest, but it'd be cheating." **********

Dickie was just about to pull the trigger on the bazooka when he noticed out of the corner of his eye a bat headed for his head. He jerked back but the bat still hit him a glancing blow. As he staggered back the bazooka went off. Dickie dropped the bazooka and tried to get up but he realized his hands were being ied behind his back, swiftly and expertly?

Lance then spoke, "Sorry Dickie, but I couldn't let you do it."

Dickie spoke back, "But the bazooka went off."

"No harm done. The shot landed right behind the pig trailer. It caused the Russian to fall off. He seems to be OK though. We'll pick up him in a few minutes."

"Why, Lance, I thought you were working for me."

"I was, but Pat Buchanan put a retainer in my e-account this morning, doubling what you were paying me."

Dickie groaned, "How did he know what was going on?"

"He's watching it on TV. We're the stars of a new reality show."

Dickie groaned again, "Why did he hire you?"

Pat sees this as an opportunity to rekindle his presidential ambitions. If I can get the FFA and offer it as a gift to the Mexican government with the stipulation they use it to bolster their economy, create new jobs for the Mexican people, and thereby slow down illegal immigration to the U.S."

"Crazy Pat," was all Dickie could say.

"Pat says it a everybody wins scenario. OK, jump in the back seat with Lucy (aka Natasha). Let's go pick up the Russian guy."

Chapter 53

DB and Sloppy were still talkin' on the sale phone.

"More big news, DB".

"Go ahead, but first let me git 'nother Shiner." DB rumbled through the ice chest and glanced waringly at the Brit. Was there a camera somewhere in there?

Sloppy, knowing DB, waited the appropriate time before speaking, "Billy Bob says he's got a book deal for you."

"Oh, no," was all DB could muster.

Sloppy continued, "'Parently there's a big series of books about the Rupture called 'Left Behind'. According to Billy Bob, they're as popular as my BBQ is in North Galbutt. He says he's talking to the same publishers about doing a series on your adventures. And he's already got a name for it."

DB reached for a moon pie and asked, "What is it?"

"Big Behind."

**********

Lance pulled up to the Russian who was standing in the desert, confused and wondering what had happened. Lance jumped out of the car, pointed his gun at Mot and hollered, "Hands behind your back!"

Lance then tied Mot's hands and pushed him into the back where he sat beside Lucy (aka Natasha) who was sitting back Dickie.

Lance then headed for San Manse'.

**********

Sloppy's voice turned sincere, "Oh, one more thing, DB."

DB always got worried when Sloppy started sounding sincere. "I really got to go, Slopster."

"It won't take but a minute. You got to promise me something. Don't let anything happen to Maria."

"Who's Maria?"

"You'll meet her in a little while. She's with Chompy and Chunky."

At the sound of the name of Chompy, DB got roaring mad, "That damn Chompy, I'm going to kick his ass. He stole my rolling outhouse!"

Sloppy responded, "You might be able to kick Chompy's ass but not Chunky's."

"Why not?", growled DB.

"He ain't got one," said Sloppy, "but let's get back to Maria. I think she's my long lost daughter."

"What!" And with that succinct remark DB grabbed another Shiner.

"Yes, she looks like a girl I met twenty years ago in San Manse', a beautiful girl named Magellena."

"What were you doing in San Manse'"

"What else? Selling bar-b-que."

At that moment the sale phone lost its connection.

Chapter 54

Lucy (aka Natasah), Dickie, and Mot were tied up in the back of the Geo. Lance was driving and they were headed for the ruins of San Manse'.

Lucy (aka Natasha) said to Dickie, "Well, Dickie, you know why we're here. I work for the KGB, Lance works for Pat Buchanan, and Mot is working for freedom. Who are you working for?

Dickie spoke through gritted teeth, "The Boss."

"Does he have a name?"

Before answering, Dickie thought to himself, if I don't figure out some way to turn this thing around, 'The Boss', is going to have my head. Then he replied, "She has a name."

**********

As Col. Travis and Sgt. Parker drove off toward San Manse, Bobby Juan said, "we better follow those guys if they're going to complete their mission. They're leaving Belly Country, and entering Belly Bandito territory. Don't you 'member?"

Mr. Belly said, "dadgum, I done forgot 'bout them. Them little belly Bellys what went bad and south. Shoot! We ain't gonna have no dadgum time ta do no dadgum barbacuein! Dadgum, I guess we got ta foller Col. Travis. And all on account a little belly Bellys what went bad. You know what, them bad Bellys is startin' ta aggervate me."

Bobby Juan said, "well, look at the bright side. We'll get in some Belly flipping practice. I sure can use some. Load up some boards in the pig trailer for board thowin'. Here's some grenades, and you already got plenty a guns. I'll take the policia van and follow you followin' the gringo soliders."

Fogg and Mot were becoming alarmed. Fogg said, "dear, dear, is it really necessary to become so militant?"

Bobby Juan said, "this ain't France, Frog."

Mot said, "farmer is king. Farmer king needs big dadgum guns to keep peasants in line. It is sometimes hard to be king."

*********

Chunky asked Maria as they approached San Manse'.

"Wuz you born here?"

Just as Chunky asked the question, they reached the top of a small desert hill. In full view, not more than a quarter of a mile away stood San Manse'. It lay in ruins. Maria, who had the eyes of an eagle, could see the charred adobe walls, the fallen roofs, and the broken glass in the windows of the little tiendas where she bought taco balls as a child. And beyond the dusty streets she saw a sight that brought tears to her eyes. The Temple of the Golden Chariot.

"Yes, in 1983."

Chompy, who was never known for much tact, said, "Tell us about your family. What happened to them?"

"My mother died of a broken heart in 1997. She had been waiting for fifteen years in loneliness, for the return of the man who was my father."

Chompy realized he should keep his mouth shut but also realized he couldn't, responded, "So you never knew your father?"

"No, but they say he was a great bar-b-que man, and one thing San Manseans respected more than just about anything else was the ability to cook bar-b-que, both pork and beef. This man could do both, though some say he preferred pork. So you see, though I never met my father, I have a great heritage, one that propels me to my destiny.

Chunky felt it was time to change the subject. Which he did, and they continued walkin' and talkin' into San Manse'

Chapter 55

Bobby Juan was elated - as exicted as he'd been the last time he won a fuding contest with cousin Donnie Bob, 32 years ago. There it was less than 2 km ahead - the ultimate Belly flip practice target - a Humvee! He pulled out to pass cousin Donnie Bob. Dadgum, some things are more important than Gringo missions. He heard a loud blast behind him just seconds later, but ignored it. Cousin Donnie Bob can handle it himself, dadgum it. You've got to go for Humvee flipping opportunities when you get them.

Shooting the tires out was easy, but the dadgum Humvee kept moving. Should he toss a grenade? No, dadgum it, that would be cheating. You can't reduce a vechicle's net weight at the Belly games before flipping it. So, reluctantly, Bobby Juan pulled out the rocket launcher and aimed at the rear of the vehcicle, trying for a hit that would roll it over but not remove and major parts. It worked, dadgum it. The Humvee came to a rapid stop and flipped over on its side.

Bobby Juan stopped and climbed on top of the Humvee and broke the window with the stock of his AK-47. As Col. Crockett and his band lay dazed, Bobby Juan said, "now, you all git out a there."

As Crockett and his crew climbed out, Bobby Juan positioned them along the Humvee. When there were all out, Bobby Juan said, "now, everybody grap up and push when I say "uno."

The men were still somewhat dazed, and did as they were told. After two attempts, the Humvee was back on its wheels. Bobby Juan then threw a roll of duct tape to Col. Crockett. Holding the AK-47 on him, he said, "OK, now tape up all them fellers. You can let 'em go 'fore long, but I don't want nobody gettin' in the way while I'm practicin' my flippin'. Wouldn't want nobody gettin' hurt."

Crockett was beginning to think something wasn't quite right about this exercise. He coulnd't quite put his finger on what it was, though, so he did as he was told. In minutes, Crockett's men was securely duct taped. Bobby Juan then handcuffed Crockett to the policia van and put the handcuff key in his rear pocket. "Don't let me forget where I put that, OK?," said Bobby Juan.

Bobby Juan then began his regimen of Humvee flipping. Col. Crockett was his timer, observing the second hand on his watch and scoring him. Bobby Juan was pleased with his first flip effort, but Col. Crockett deflated that moment of elation by saying, "doesn't count. You got flat tires on the flip side. They make it too easy to get the flip started. These are all gonna be unofficial times. And we ain't go no spare tires. Don't need 'em for desert drivin', robbin' and pillagin', but you got to have 'em for regulation flippin'. Sorry."

Bobby Juan was not consoled.

*********

The executives at ABC were worried. Focus groups results were showing while the Belly Flips were still popular they were losing momentum. People loved,however, to see DB eat. Every moon pie he ate brought another point up in the ratings. One exec cried out, "But he eats all the time anyway!"

Another exec replied, "How about three moon pies at a time?

Yet another exec blurted, "I like the belly flips. I don't think you can have too many. They're exciting, especially when people are in the vehicles."

Eisner then quieted everybody down, "The belly flips stay in. They're an integral part of Bellyness. If we drop the flips we lose an essential part of Bellyhood and before you know it the 'Fear Factor' is topping us in the ratings again. But I do have a suggestion (which in Eisnerese meant an order), we need to cut back the Shiner references and push Mountain Dew. Pepsico is willing to buy five minutes per hour segment. It says Mountain Dew is just the drink the kind of people watching this show will go for."

"That's a great suggestion, Boss, " chimed in all the executives. "Let's do it."

**********

Fogg had become hysterical. "They're shooting at us!"

Mr. Belly said, "oh, that don't mean nothin'. Folks does some practice shootin' out here sometimes. Lifting another two Moon Pies to his mouth, Mr. Belly casually continued driving.

As Fogg said, "we lost Mot!,"

Mr. Belly said, "dadgum, Bobby Juan got a Hummer!," and sped up toward Bobby Juan's unofficial Belly Flip tournament.

"But what about Mot?" asked Fogg.

Mr. Belly said, "oh, he'll be alright. Them commanists is real tough. We'll catch up with him in a minute."

Fogg then said, "well, what about the story plot?"

Mr. Belly said, "dadgum it Frog, a Belly's got to Belly Flip a Hummer when he gets a chance. Cain't you see?"

Chapter 56

Soon Mr. Belly and Fogg were parked beside the Hummer. Bobby Juan was exhaused, having completed three flip cycles.

"What's yore best score so far?" asked Mr. Belly. "Oh, I thank I got a 8.5. Crockett says it ain't official though."

Mr. Belly then said, "well, I'll see what I can do. Always wanted to try me a Hummer."

Mr. Belly then completed a Belly Flip for the ages. His placement was optimal, his leverage was perfectly leveraged, and yes, he was lucky. Mainly, he was in perfect convergence with Belly Flip energy. With one quick, smooth movement, Mr. Belly completed a perfect 360 degree flip, and in record time. Everyone who saw it knew they had witnessed greatness. Everyone but Fogg, that is.

He kept saying, "I protest this gross plot abuse! And someone please tell me who is shooting those guns I hear!!"

*********

Walkin' and talkin' one'w way into San Manse' is an experience that can't be defined with simple words. One also needs a tune. And as Maria, Chompy, and Chunky passed the city limit signs they heard that same haunting voice (sans musical instruments) that Maria heard in a dream (was it a dream) the night before.

I sittin' here with a can that's done gone empty.

Just like the cans that went empty before.

It's the last one in the pack, and it ain't comin' back.

Don't know what I'll do, I'm out of Mountain Dew

I'm so dry and I can't get high,

It makes me want to cry

Don't know what I'll do, I'm out of Mountain Dew

2) When you hit the dusty road, it sure seems dusty,

When you travel that lost highway, you sure feel lost.

When you pick those grapes of wrath, they sure look purple.

But when you're out of Mountain Dew, you know all is lost.

Chunky, who had prospected these parts for the last twenty years, said, "Hey, that there's a voice I heard many times when I wuz prospectin' in the San Manse' mountains."

Maria said, "It is the voice of Acapulco."

"I thought we left him for dead a ways back." Chompy said, with both surprise and a hint of dread.

"Perhaps he was only playing possum," Maria replied, "or perhaps we are hearing the ghost of Acapulco."

Chapter 57

Dickie felt the closeness of Lucy (aka Natasha), but was disappointed when he noticed she had her shoes on. At that moment Lance's cell phone rang. It was PB.

PB barked, "Give me an update."

"I've got Dickie and he's no longer an active participant. I've commandeered Dickie's Geo and he's tied up in the back along with two other inactives. We're going to San Manse' a back way to avoid the GIV and DB. The FFA is in the GIV." PB shot back, "Why the hell is the GIV going to San Manse' if it's already got the FFA."

Lance answered calmly, with a glance to the rear view mirror, where he could see Dickie staring at Lucy (aka Natasha's) feet and Lucy (aka Natasha) staring at Mot, "I'm a little confused on that point too, PB. As you know (i.e. if you're watching the reality series on TV) this novel is being written by two different people. The writer of the section we're in right now was either sleeping or drunk when the writer of the other section wrote that the GIV was going to San Manse'. I'm clueless but the writer of this section is now telling me that the writer of the other section would not send the GIV to San Manse' unless he had a good reason. He thinks it might be for some grand finale where all the participants fight it out to save the earth or maybe who gets to eat the last moon pie."

PB only said, "Those moon pies do look yummy."

**********

"Geraldo here in San Manse' in the ruins of the Temple of the Golden Chariot, once again risking life and limb to bring you, the loyal viewers of FOX News the news that matters."

"I'm here, in the face of great personal danger, to interview Mosath Eyskin, founder of the controversial but ecologically sound Back to the Outhouse Movement (BOM). It's said that in outhouse circles throughout this country and the world, he's known as the 'Baron of BOM'."

Geraldo: Just what is BOM? Mosath: What is it to you? Geraldo: What is the status of the movement? Mosath: If you have to ask, you wouldn�t understand. Geraldo: Why are you here in San Manse'? Mosath: If you were worthy, you would know. Geraldo: Who is that man standing over there by the Doric column singing about Mountain Dew without musical instruments? Mosath: His identity shifts as often as the San Manse sands. But less frequently than that of some TV personalities. Geraldo: Do you realize and appreciate the fact that I'm here risking life and limb for the loyal viewers of FOX News? Mosath: You have no idea. Geraldo: Do you agree that Bill O'Reilly is highly overrated? Mosath: Most of us are both overrated and underrated. Not all, however. Geraldo: What is the FFA and why do you want it? Mosath: I have all the Fs and As that I currently need. Geraldo: Is Ernest Hollings a member of BOM? Mosath: Many are called, but few are BOMed. Geraldo: What's going to happen next and do you realize and appreciate the fact that I'm here risking life and limb for the loyal viewers of FOX News? Mosath: What you fear will frequently liberate you. But not always. **********

Maria, Chunky, and Chompy walked down the dusty streets of old San Manse' following the sound of Acapulco singing his rendition of "Mountain Dew.' Around the corner, about a block from the Temple of the Golden Chariot, came running a Hispanic looking man with a bushy mustache screaming, "I'm going crazy! I risk life and limb for the loyal viewers of FOX News and this is what I get? A man with long, grey whiskers speaking in riddles and killing my ratings. I deserve more in life than this, for putting my life in danger. O celebrity, how fleeting thou art!". Behind the crazy man ran another man, with a pot belly, carrying a TV camera over his shoulder, huffing and puffing, catching the whole thing in technicolor.

Chompy said, "What do you think this is all about, Maria?"

"It is the curse of the Temple of the Golden Chariot. If one does not enter with a pure heart, one can be driven insane!"

"Anything else we can do?"

"Yes, keep walkin' and talkin'. Arm and mouth movement are essential. They serve as an antidote to the vibrations of Acapulco."

Chapter 58

Sometimes DB dreamed in SSE (Standard Southern English). This particular time it was about his rolling outhouse. It went a little bit like this "I miss my rolling outhouse. I need to go back and get it. There's enough pig manure in the pig trailer to get it to San Manse'. I will miss my Liz Post toilet tissue though. Damn that Dickie. He's the one that got me into this spy business in the first place, promising me all the bar-b-que and moon pies I could eat and all the Shiner I could drink. Plus, his pants company was going to make some overalls especially for me and call them the DBs. Well, it don't matter, I'm going back and get my rolling outhouse and drive into the San Manse'. I'm going to walk and talk that sucker right into the old town. Yessirree Bob."

**********

Fogg was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Too late, he realized that Texalina was far too intense for his temperament. He longed for the days of writing about metaphorical "death wishes." Now this! These Bellys absoulutely dance with death and destruction, and have no idea where they are. And they would never understand. And then, he knew that he would never understand what they do not understand or why they do not understand it. With any level of enlightened undestanding. For the first time ever, Fogg was becoming metaphorically ill.

With all caution suddenly thrown aside, Fogg declared to Mr. Belly, "I demand to know what is going on! What do you know about where we are, where we aren't, where we may be going, why and when we are going to have another post-lunch fuding, in peace and quiet."

Mr. Belly began to feel a rare bit of compassion for Frog. A very funny fellow by Belly sensibilities, but then, he was getting hungry, so he must be human. Almost losing that thought, Mr. Belly said to himself, though aloud, "you know what, I'm gettin' kinda hungry too. Shoot, I know what, let's go git some Moon Pies and Shiner and we'll eat and talk for a while. Sound purty good there, Frog?"

After Mr. Belly had finished snacking on two boxes of Moon Pies and six Shiners, he entered a "talkin' break." He said to Fogg, "see, alls we gonna do is foller Col. Travis and make sure them little belly Belly Bandits don't mess with him. See? That there won't take too long. Well, unless we got to do a little shootin' maybe, jist for fun. Or maybe some flippin' or board thowin'. Won't take too long though. See, shoot, we'll be in Dime Box fore you know it."

Fogg fairly yelled, "What about Mot! And what about gunshots all over this ghastly desert? And what about bizarre phone calls from all over the continent? You are not telling me everything. I may be dead any minute now. I deserve to know why!"

Mr. Belly was baffled by Frog. He said, "dadgum Frog, you gettin' all aggitated and I plumb don't know why. But shoot, here's what I been hearin' on that dadgum sale phone that keeps makin' them funny beeps and what not.

"See, theys folks what want to put us in one a them movin' pitchers. I tell you what though, I ain't goin' to make no movin' pitcher cause you got to go out to Hollywood, become a dadgum commanist and stop eatin' decent fud, and the next thang you know they tryin' to kill you like they done finished off Mr. John Wayne. Well, they ain't gonna git no dadgum Bellys into that dadgum mess, I can tell you that.

"And then, theys a mess a folks from Carolina that has got childern all over Texalina far's what I can tell, and we supposed to be lookin' out for them.

"And then, theys them little Belly Banditos what had gone plumb bad. They what got you so dadgum excited? Shoot, you ain't got to worry 'bout them. See, they little belly Bellys and ain't no good at board thowin' or Belly flippin' or pig tossin'. Ain't real good at shootin' either. They'll sure give it a try though.

"Anyway, see, we jist gonna have ourselves a nice little drive is what we gonna do. And don't you be worryin' 'bout fud neither. Shoot, Bobby Juan's killin' a mess a goats right now. Cain't you see him over there shootin' 'em? Dadgum, we gonna be eatin' real good fore long. Now, you jist relax a spell. And pass me one a them Shiners, Frog."

Chapter 59

Fogg yelled hysterically, "I'm bugged!"

Mr. Belly had become somewhat oblivious to Fogg's continuous recent state of agitation, and muttered, "jist slap that sumbitch, dadgum it."

Fogg continued, "there's a spy camera in my own hat! Can't you see, we're being spied upon, and I've been the spy! This is such a frighful dilemma."

Mr. Belly reluctantly looked inside Foggs hat and said, "you funnin' me? Shoot, that there ain't no dadgum camera is it? Looks like a dadgum fishin' reel ta me."

Fogg said, "I assure you that this is a micro camera."

Mr. Belly was becoming interested. "Well, dadgum, you mean I kin talk into that dadgum thang and it'll make a dadgum movie?"

Fogg said, "most certainly, yes."

Mr. Belly then said, "well shoot, I want to sang a song! I always wanted to get ma a movin' pitcher of sangin', jist like on the Opry." He then proceeded to sing a most earnest rendition of "The Great Speckled Bird." When he had finished, he said, "now, let's see that dadgum movin' pitcher!"

Fogg said, "you don't understand, chap. The picture and sound were transmitted to a satellite in space, and then..."

Mr. Belly interrupted, saying, "you mean to say that I got to go a dadgum drug store in a dadgum rocket ship to get my dadgum pitchers? Shoot, that ain't no dadgum good. I ain't goin' in any dadgum rocket ship, no matter what the dadgum Opry says. You can just thow that dadgum fishin' reel away far's I'm concerned. Dadgum. I thought I was gonna git some nice pitchers."

Fogg continuted to try to explain just what the "spy camera" was capable of, not knowing that he was being filmed himself hundereds of miles away. He gladly threw the camera out into the desert, however, relieved to be free of at least one inexplicable threat. And again count the remaining concerns in his suddenly very complicated state.

**********

Eisner was mad as hell and the ABC execs were cowering in their seats. "I want another camera hidden on some idiot in the 'Imbiber' show in the next six hours or you're all fired! And you don't get to play with Mickey any more!."

The ABC execs ran frantically into the hallway.

**********

The sale phone began to beep. It was still beeping after Mr. Belly had searched through over 100 Moon Pie wrappers to locate it. His mouth was still full of Moon Pie as he said, "Sgt. Belly here. Over."

Buford Belly said, "uncle D! Turn the dadgum camera back on!"

Mr. Belly stoped chewing and exclaimed, "dadgum it Burford, you in a dadgum rocket ship? Get that dadgum thang back down here right this minute! Dadgum it, boy, you know you done wrecked up four pick-ups. Shoot, you go drivin' a rocket ship like that an you'll wind up on the dadgum moon or what not. Get back to Texas, dadgum it!"

Buford said, "don't worry, uncle D. I'm in College Station. But something went wrong with the camera. We were watching you on TV, and all of a sudden it went blank. Now they've got Peter Jennings on, and everybody's getting sick."

Mr. Belly told Fogg, "go git the dadgum fishin' reel, Frog."

Fogg began to protest, but Mr. Belly cut him off,

"go git it, dadgum it, we on the dadgum TV!"

Fogg was soon back, bewildered. Mr. Belly asked Buford, "what station we on?"

Buford said, "channel 4 in Dime Box."

Mr. Belly looked into the camera and said, "dadgum, I always wanted to tell to you channel 4 that you better git Dandy Don back on Monday Night Football! Dadgum it, that dadgum show ain't been worth nothin' ever since you all run off Dandy Don, and everbody knows it. I'm tellin' you what, I've just 'bout give up football on account of it. Now you go git Dandy Don and pay him whatever it is that he wants. OK? And run that dadgum feller with the beard and funny words back to wherever it is that he come from. OK? Now, want ta hear me sang some?"

Buford said, "sure! Do whatever you want, uncle D. The whole dadgum country's watching!"

Mr. Belly then said, "OK, this here's for Mr. Dandy Don." Then he began to sing "The Party's Over" with deep intensity. When he was finished, he said, "yore turn, Frog. I got ta git me a little bite. That sangin' makes me tard."

Chapter 60

Eisner was smiling again. "OK, boys, you can go play with Mickey."

Lance was about ten miles south of San Manse' when he pulled to a stop and turned off the engine of the Geo. He had successfully evaded being intercepted by Colonel Travis. He got and opened one of the back doors. "Get out, all three of you.", then added, "and you, Lucy (aka Natasha), none of that fancy judo stuff. This is an anti-judo device I'm pointing at you."

Dickie, Lucy (aka Natasha), and Mot did as they were told. Lance then ordered them to sit down and he proceeded to take off their shoes. Dickie was excited about it but the other two had their misgivings. Lance then said, "Since Mot is the least dangerous of you I'm going to untie his hands. Then when I drive off he can decide whether he wants to untie you or not."

None of the three spoke. Lance continued, "Only two of you are really guilty of anything. Mot is innocent, but he unluckily finds himself in the wrong place at the wrong time. But I am giving him something he left Russia for and there's no charge for it. He's now free."

With that remark, Lance jumped back into the Geo and headed for San Manse'

**********

Beulah Faye Ledbetter, a younger sister of Rev. Billy Bob Ledbetter, spoke via phone with the general manager of the ABC affiliate in Austin, TX, "listen here, Susie, those clowns at ABC are screwing up, and if you don't stop the jerks, you're gonna be in bigger troulbe than they are. Listen to me, girl. You know that show you all have been running about the crazy Bellys? No one ever got a contract with those folks. I know they didn't because most of them don't write, and you couldn't read the signature of D.B. even if he tried to write it.

"I'm the only authorized Belly agent. You better get a deal done with me, or there's gonna be a ton of lawsuits. And who's gonna pay? Not those jokers who are running the show, but little folks like you don't have millions of dollars to spare. I know your address, Susie, and all my attorneys do too. You get me some money pronto, or your head's gonna roll."

Sue Chambers finally spoke, saying, "dadgum, I see what you mean. Tell you what, I'll pass the word to the ABC morons. In the meantime, come on down and we'll film a story on you. If you can prove that you're an authorized Belly agent, we'll have a dynamite story no matter what those guys do, and we'll be protected."

Beulah said, "I'll be right down."

**********

The Ghost of Acapulco was spreading out over the ruins and ashes of San Manse'. In old street corners and once dark alleys, where now ran only salamanders and armadillos, where the desert wind whispered and the night air languished, where fools still searched for gold and where wells had no water, a shadow could be seen gliding through the streets, humming low and vibrant, thinking that once again there was hope in the world, no matter how small.

***********

Sgt. Parker said to Col. Travis, "wow, you'll never guess what intel is telling us about the parties that want to get their hands on the FFA. You remember Pat Buchanan - the guy who ran for president a couple of times? He wants it! No one knows why, but he's in the game."

Travis said, "well, is he a threat?"

Parker said, "we have to assume that he is, you know that. On the other hand, our guys have the answer if he is."

Travis asked, "what?"

Parker said, "two words - Lenora Fulani. She took him out once, and she's eager to do it again."

Chapter 61

Enrique was awake and ready for action. His 38 snub nosed Saturday Night Special was loaded. He felt it in his hand. His time had come.

**********

Beulah Faye Ledbetter sat in a studio the Austin ABC affiliate, being interviewed and filmed by station general manager Sue Chambers. Chambers said, "first of all, Beulah, let's get to the proof that you're an authorized agent for Mr. D.B. Belly, the star of "Belly Live."

Beulah said, "just run this tape and you'll see."

Chambers inserted the VHS tape in a player and watched an interview between Beulah and Mr. Belly:

Beulah: "Donnie Bob, one of these days, somebody's probably going to want to put you on TV. You'll need someone to represent you then. Let's sign a contract saying that I am your agent."

Mr. Belly: "You say sumthin' there Beulah?"

Beulah: "TV. Someone's gonna come in here while you're lecturing on fud or what not and tape it."

Mr. Belly: "They better not be nobody puttin' no tape on a B6, I'll tell you that. Shoot, we got trouble enough keepin' trash out a here without no dadgum tape a hangin' off the walls. I'll run 'em out if I see any dadgum tapin' goin' on."

Beulah: "With a camera. Takin' pictures of you."

Mr. Belly: "Oh shoot, that's alright, long's they stay out a the kitchen and don't block the fud line."

Beulah: "I'll be your agent."

Mr. Belly: "Dadgum, you goin' into spyin'? Tell you what you need ta git first - a Mickey Mouse lunch box. You ain't never gonna find nothin' better for totin' 'round yore spy money. Put it in them Hefty bags and yore liable to thow it out with the dadgum trash."

Beulah: "No. The kind of agent that gets money for you from people who want to use pictures of you."

Mr. Belly: "Shoot, I ain't gonna charge no body to take a dadgum pitcher, long's they don't git in the way of fudin'"

Beulah: "But if they're gonna make money from your pictures, you would be entitled to money yourself. That's the law. I'll get your money."

Mr. Belly: "Oh, shoot, I guess so."

Beulah: "OK. Let's make this official. First off, are you of sound mind?"

Mr. Belly: "Shoot, I don't know. What's it supposed to sound like?"

Beulah: "That means are you crazy?"

Mr. Belly: "Oh, I might be if I don't git me some fudin' in. Let me eat me a little bit just to make sure I ain't got no storvin' disease in my haid."

Beulah: "OK. Do some fudin', and we'll continue."

Afer several minutes in which neither said anything,

Beulah: "Now, D.B., can you say that you're not crazy?"

Mr. Belly: "Far's I know. I ain't no haid doctor, though. Shoot, you know that."

Beulah: "As far as you know, you are in your right mind, and you want me to be your agent, to represent you if anyone uses images or recordings of your for commercial purposes?"

Mr. Belly: "Dadgum right. You know what, I like them sangin' commercials best is what I like. Long's they's nice sangin' and not that sorry mess. Can I make me a sangin' commercial there Beulah?"

Beulah: "Whatever you make, I'll make dadgum sure you get paid. And me too. 20%, OK?"

Mr. Belly: "That means out a ever dollar you gonna git 20 pennys?"

Beulah: "That's right."

Mr. Belly: "Well, I ain't gonna be the one to count them dadgum pennies, I can tell you that. They hurt my dadgum fangers is what they do."

Beulah: "We'll get someone else to count the pennies." Mr. Belly: "Well shoot, go fill up some Mickey boxes Beulah. And let me get back to fudin' without yore dadgum questions."

Beulah continued with Sue Chambers, "OK, you've seen it. There's no doubt that I'm D.B. Belly's authorized agent. Furthermore, it's clear that Mr. Belly is entitled to a fee for promoting Mickey Mouse lunch boxes, a Disney product, in addition to broadcast rights fees. As I see it, $100 million is what we're owed right now. We'll talk about future compensation in the future. I need a check right now, or my attorneys are going to start filing lawsuits across the country."

*********

Lance, with the aid of the his CPI (Cell Phone Interceptor) was able to pick up Parker's conversation with BOM HQ. Also, with the aid of his CPL (Cell Phone Locator) he was able to pinpoint Parker's location in the dusty streets of San Manse'. But since he didn't have a HGNEL (Hispanic Guy Named Enrique Locator) he didn't know at that same moment Enrique was about to pull the trigger on Parker and steal the FFA.

**********

Sgt. Parker walked through the dusty streets of San Manse. Col. Travis was taking his second afternoon nap at the Motel XX, several miles out of town. Stopping in an alleyway, he pulled out his cell phone and called a U.S. number. Soon a voice on the phone said, "Back Out, Incorporated. How can we help you get out?"

Parker said, "BOM 22 reporting." The voice asked, "what is your message?"

Parker said, "changes were bound to be made."

Parker then heard nothing on the phone for over a minute. "Hey, BOM 22, I'm not following. Drop the spy talk for this one, OK?"

Parker said, "OK. Here's the plan. I have the FFA, and no one else knows where it's at. I have a decoy planted with Travis. That's what he'll load on the helo this evening. I've got dozens of decoys spread all over the area to distract everyone else.

"Here's what I don't have - what the heck to do with the real FFA. I know Mosath Eyskin likes to do things his way to prevent security breakdowns, but it's got to be time for him to come up with a plan and tell me what it is. Let me remind you that I'm doing this mission as a favor to BOM because I think the DOD plan is crappy. I'll turn the FFA over to the Army, though, if I don't hear from him soon."

Chapter 62

********** "Geraldo here in San Manse again, in the shadows of the former site of the Rivera Temple Of Ego Grande, according to local tradition. Once again risking my life, limb and designer sunglasses to bring you what I choose to bring you.

"I'm here, in the face of great personal danger, to interview Lenora Fulani, a U.S. political activist who has just arrived in Mexico to begin a new political movement.

Geraldo: What do you call your movement? Fulani: Reform Party South Geraldo: What is the status of the movement? Fulani: Just getting started, but it's growing rapidly Geraldo: Why are you here in San Manse'? Fulani: I go where the cameras are Geraldo: Why is a new political movement needed in Mexico? Fulani: When there's a Fox in charge, the chickens need to be concerned Geraldo: Do you realize and appreciate the fact that I'm here risking life and limb for the loyal viewers of FOX News? Fulani: Sure do, Geraldo. You need to join up. Power to the people, baby, even you. Geraldo: Do you agree that Bill O'Reilly is highly overrated? Fulani: I've seen worse Geraldo: What is the FFA and why do you want it? Fulani: Future Farmers of America? I got no problem with those folks. You readin' an old script again, Geraldo? Geraldo: Is Ernest Hollings a member of BOM? Fulani: Can you be in that and the Klan at the same time? Geraldo: What's going to happen next and do you realize and appreciate the fact that I'm here risking life and limb for the loyal viewers of FOX News? Fulani: What's gonna happen next is we're gonna ask for a meeting with President Fox, President Bush, Ross Perot and Julio Iglesies and we're gonna get down on this whole NAFTA deal. And that's just the start. I got plenty more material for you, Geraldo. Don't you worry.

*********

Your ON here. Yes, I'm been absent lately. Like millions of Americans I've been watching the saga on TV as it unfolds. Speaking of unfolding, do you think there's a possibility that this is novel is not really about what it purports to be, but about something else entirely? Could it be about time moving backwards (unfolding) from the future to the present to the past? Wouldn't it make more sense if it did?

*********

After the interview, Geraldo's boss from FOX News called him, "It's time to risk more than life and limb. Get your ass over to the Rolling Outhouse and hide somewhere inside of it. Deep Belly is on his way back there to refuel it and drive it to San Manse for what the readers of this novel will hope to be the grand finale."

Geraldo jumped in his Geep and headed for the RO. What Geraldo didn't know, and what you can know by simply using your imagination, is that there's only one place to hide in a rolling outhouse.

Chapter 63

Maria saw Enrique's shadow against the adobe wall where the silhouetted shapes of a hand holding a pistol were clearly enunciated against a backdrop of blood, sweat, and tears. Well, maybe not, but it was dramatic nevertheless. Maria did not hesitate but leaped high and forward kicking the gun out of Enrique's hand just before he had the chance to pull the trigger and kill Parker and steal the FFA. Chompy and Chunky cheered lustily in the background, safely behind a fallen statue of the patron saint of San Manse', El Bellysario.

"Way to go, girl!" shouted Chunky.

Enrique did not move. Without a gun, he knew had no chance against Maria who had a black belt in Hitrate (a form of self-defense invented by Archie). Maria spoke first,

"Why, Enrique, why?"

"Because I'm one of the Skinny Ones and there are too many trans fatty acids in the world."

"How would killing the good looking US Army man help your cause?

Maria asked while throwing a smile Parker's way.

"He has the FFA and plans to give it to our mortal enemy, Mosath Eyskin, the Baron of BOM."

Parker just shrugged and smiled back at Maria. Maria asked him, "Is this true, good looking US Army man?"

Parker hesitated, then said, "I'm not allowed to say. Confidential, if you know what I mean."

Maria spoke bluntly, "Let us go then to Mosath. Only he can straighten this out."

**********

Eisner was rich and successful because he knew riches and success were subject to rapid deterioration, witness the recent stock market. Yes, ABC was currently riding high due to the tremendous popularity of the network's newest reality show, 'Imbiber: The Ultimate Challenge to Reality'. But what if the camera is lost again, this time for good. So ABC needed to keep hitting hard, and repeatedly, to keep the ratings war. And it was nothing less than war. That's why he was so elated when Ted Koppel and said he found the transcript of the legendary interview he had with Acapulco Tom, and it would be playing tonight on the primetime edition of Nightline. Eisner proceeded to read the first part of the transcript:

"