When Fogg had finished reciting his lyrics and DB had polished off three more Shiners, DB said, "Well, Frog, that ain't too bad, as long as you got some alcohol." DB was a generous soul so to make Fogg feel better he recited some of his favorite songs. They went a little bit like this:

ALL SONGS COPYRIGHT RAMPAGE MUSIC & TEXASTOMTUNES 2000

by Deeeeep Belley

Darlin', you're a little little,

But I kin overlook it.

Long as you've got a kittle,

An yew no how ta cook it.

Chorus:

Do yew wont ta rockabelly?

Do yew wont ta be cool?

Do yew wont ta learn somethin',

That they didn't teach in school?

It's a natchrul belly thang,

It's a natchrul belly high.

It's a way ta be yore own self,

An git yoreself right.

Bring me back my eight-track,

Bring back crackle and hiss.

Bring back the tape that's spinnin' off the spindle,

And put me back in eight-track bliss.

Give me just one more Conway,

With his unintelligible growl,

Let me wonder how the hell he ever sold a record,

While he's there showin' me how.

Chorus:

It's so great to look way back to where I've been,

And technology that seems so charmingly quaint.

It's not that I want to go back there again,

But as long I'm pretending, I won't say that I ain't.

by Deep Belley

My dog was pukin' right there in the garden,

Between the onions and the butter beans.

When I called him he come runnin', drippin' mucous,

And then I seen his tongue had turned all green.

I sat him down beside an old wheelbarrow,

Fore long he was chewin' on the wheel.

It was good to see the barfy stuff was gone then,

Cause that's when life is getting' too dang real.

Chorus:

People say they want real understanding,

Intensity in what they think and feel.

But they change their minds when they get overloaded,

'Cause most folks seek escape when life's too real.

by Deep Belley

I sat there with both eyes closed tight,

Thankin' 'bout what's wrong an right.

Then I jumped up, though it was midnight,

Thankin' I had to grab me a bite.

Chorus:

Don't forget the belley when you're thankin',

Don't forget the belley when you're drankin'.

Whatever you do, where ever you go,

Don't forget the belley.

2) I was drivin' my pigs down the road,

They was stinkin', and one heavy load.

But I stopped, and a picnic I throwed,

An the pigs watched me eat ribs from a cousin they'd knowed.

by Deep Belly

Pigs has got they brain cells,

And pigs has got they heart.

But piggies keep on getting' killed,

'Cause they legs is too dang short.

And pigs has got they sausage,

They ribs and bacon too.

I don't care what them Texans say,

Pigs is good for you.

Chorus:

Pigs will make you hungry,

And pigs will fill you up.

Pigs will make you lick the plate,

Like a starvin' mongrel pup.

And pigs'll make your mouth go waterin',

Till they break your heart in two.

I don't care what anybody says,

Pig is good for you.

2) Pigs didn't start no Depression,

And pigs didn't start no war.

Pigs didn't talk about "risky schemes,"

Or get dropped from no bar.

Pigs never messed with no intern,

And wound up getting' impeached.

Pigs just wish they could live a spell,

In a place barbecue ain't reached.

by Deep Belly

There's pigs in Pocatella,

There's sheep in old Cheyenne,

There's rabbits out in Racine,

Enough for every hungry man.

There's camels in the desert,

And snakes in the San Joaquin,

But there ain't no cows in Cowtown,

And that's what's got me peeved.

Chorus: There ain't no cows in Cowtown,

There ain't no calves or steers.

There ain't no dusty cowboys,

Fightin' and drinkin' beers.

Why, all we got now is SUVs,

And big pick-ups that don't pick up.

And where we used to run the cattle drives,

There ain't nothin' but traffic bumps.

Maria hadn't cried like this since she was a baby in Laredo, Texas, when her family had just illegally crossed the Rio Grande, and had found accommodations in a barn just off Texas Farm Road 333. She was crying then because she was hungry. Her whole life, it seemed, had been a striving to satisfy the needs of the belly.

She decided she wanted more out of life. "I want more out of life." she said.

Chunky chimed in, "Don't cry, Maria. Look at me. I lost my ass, yet I still know how to laugh."

Chompy added, 'And look at me. I lost DB's rolling outhouse, and I know I'm going to die, yet I'm still able to function in a moderately sane way."

Maria nodded. Yes, it was too early to give up. Maybe Mosath is still in the area. But where could he be? Well, one thing was for certain. She would never find him if she stayed here. This place stank of outhouses past. She must move toward the outhouses of the future. She spoke, "Let us leave this place. It stinks."

They filed out of the Temple of the Golden Chariot, Maria leading the way, headed toward the other side of town. Or was it the other side of the universe?

*********

Special Agent Davy X. Crockett slowly came to consciousness. He had worked a good bit with Agents Scully and Mulder of the X-Files Section and he had seen a lot of weird and frightening things. But none of them came close to the Bellys. They were a force of nature not unlike Hurricane Hillary that had hit San Manse' a few years back. A hurricane so great that everybody got lost, didn't know each other names, and couldn't find their way...to San Manse'. Hey! (Crockett wondered why he added the 'Hey!')

Thank goodness the Bellys had put the Humvee back upright before leaving. There was still a chance to complete his mission for PB. Luckily before losing a conscious he had placed a bug on that dumb looking British guy.

The engine of the Humvee roared as Crockett kicked it into first gear. It was time to do a little Belly hunting.

Chapter 73

Bernice Belly was eating a traditional Belly evening snack of 12 eggs and 1 lb. of bacon when her meal was interrupted by Selym Manwen, a FOE Summer intern from Israel. Selym said, "we have to search for Budweiser before it blows up." Bernice said, "I know all about it. Got to eat before I go out hunting. Sit down and I'll fill you in."

Bernice said, "Selym, something big is happening here, and it's pretty well up to you and me to keep some terrible things from happening. Mosath Eyskin is playing a big game here, and it's getting out of hand.

"I did a little looking around the FOE computer system, and found out some stuff. Eyskin has the entire FOE treasury invested in an Anheuser Busch short-sell. That means if Busch stock goes down in price to $20 tomorrow, he makes over $500M. If it doesn't, FOE goes bust.

"When I saw that, I started wondering about the FFA out there hidden in a Bud 12-pack box. I asked my brother about it, the guy who built the FFA, and he says a Sgt. Parker told him to use the Bud box. Well, Parker is working for Eyskin.

"So here's what we've got. I think Eyskin has the FFA in his possession right now, and that he made up this screwy story of losing track of it to get all of us out on the streets spreading the word that some Bud packs are about to blow up. When the word gets out, Bud sales around the world will go way down, and the stock too, until people figure out what was really going on.

"Eyskin wins two ways. First of all, he pockets the short sale profit. Second, he's knocked down the market share of a competitor in the booze market.

"Selym, we've got to find a way to keep all that Bud from blowing up. I estimate that at least 100 twelve packs are set to blow up tonight across Mexico, killing hundreds of people unless we find a way to disarm them."

**********

Ulapa had been Mosath's assistant for the last ten years and had been faithful through thick (the Bellys) and thin (the Skinny Ones). But now Mosath had gone too far; using a perfectly good spring water (Budweiser) to wreak havoc and make money. Ulapa knew she had to do something to stop him. But what? ********

Mr. Belly's sale phone beeped, and by coincidence, it was in his overalls bib this time, and easy to find. He picked it up and heard the voice of his niece, Bernice Belly, "hi uncle D.!"

Mr. Belly said, "dadgum, Bernice! You out here close? Sounds like you are."

Bernice said, "as a matter of fact, I'm not far away. Listen, uncle D., I've got an emergency and there's no time to explain everything. Here's the first thing I need to know. How much Shiner can you get your hands on?"

Mr. Belly said, "well, I cain't 'member ever drankin' more then two at a time."

Bernice said, "I mean Shiner for a lot of people - thousands of folks. Can you get that tonight?"

Mr. Belly said, "dadgum Bernice, you thowin' a dadgum party?"

Bernice said, "no, uncle D. I know this sounds strange but I'm trying to save lives. I'll explain later. Here's what I want you to do. Find all the Shiner you can in this part of Mexico, and have Bobby Juan and his folks make deliveries to every bar, restaurant and whore house within 50 km of San Manse. This will be "free Shiner" night in the area. It's important for people to be drinking Shiner and nothing else tonight, OK? So, it's got to be free and cold and a bunch of it. Get that done, uncle D., and you'll save lives and increase the Shiner market share by at least 5%. Will you do it?"

Mr. Belly said, "dadgum right, Bernice. I don't know why but I'm purty well used to that and I feel right about it, you know what I mean?" Bernice said, "that's what I was counting on, uncle D. That's the Belly way."

Chapter 74

Maria heard a roaring noise behind her and turned around. A Humvee was barreling toward her. She and the boys jumped out of the way as the Humvee came to a crashing halt. "Jump in!" cried a voice inside, "There isn't much time."

Once inside, they were introduced to Special Agent Crockett. There was a TV screen on the dashboard. Crockett said, "I'm watching the 'Imbiber' show. Mosath Eyskin, the Baron of BOM, has the FFA and plans to use it to blow up 87,000 ounces of Budweiser in a hundred square mile area in this part of Mexico. I don't undertstand the stock market but doing it ( blowing up the Bud)will make him rich. Meanwhile, his assistant, Upala is standing at the next corner trying to figure out what to do to stop him, and on the outskirts of San Manse', DB is plannning to flood the beer market with Shiner. Understand?"

Maria nodded yes.

**********

DB's sale phone rang. He answered by saying, "Don't have time to talk." Before he could hang up he heard, "DB! It's me Sloppy!"

"Like I said, Slop, I ain't got no time. Ize trying to save the world.

Sloppy responded, "Don't you think I know that. I'm watching the whole thing here on TV. Just hear me out. I don't care how many Shiners and moon pies you give out, but if you give away too much BBQ , you goin' to drive the price down, and no world ain't worth saving that's got cheap BBQ."

Damn, thought DB, ole Slop's got a point. "I'll see what I can do, but I got to go now. Just keep watching." DB then hung up and got back to work. He really didn't have no choice.

**********

Mr. Belly made more calls on his sale phone in the next few minutes than he'd made in his entire life. His fangers were becoming numb from trying to press the tiny buttons with the large fangers. He called back Bobby Juan to make sure the plan was being implemented, "listen here, Bobby Juan, you got ta 'member that we savin' the dadgum world tonight with free Shiner and Moon Pies. I don't know how, but that's what Bernice said. See? You got ta git a big ol' mess a free, cold Shiner ta ever dadgum bar, cantina and whore house 'round San Manse. And toss in a mess a Moon Pies and BBQ too. We got to keep folks from drankin' anythang 'cept Shiner the whole dadgum night. Shoot, I don't know why, but you know dadgum well that Bernice has got herself a good dadgum reason. She ain't got much of a belly, but she always had her reasons. See?"

Bobby Juan told Mr. Belly not to worry, because he had struck a deal with the Belly Bandito organization to distribute Shiner, Moon Pies and BBQ in return for new territorial negotiations with local policia orgnizations. The plan was unfolding.

Chapter 75

Dickie, Lucy, and Mot were walking the streets of San Manse'. DB had told them he had to save the world and they should do some sightseeing. Turning left on Gehenna Avenue they spotted two men and a women hopping into a Humvee. They yelled and waved and the Humvee came toward them. They too hopped in; Crockett briefed them on the situation. Then they headed for FOE Regional HQ.

**********

Bernice was on the phone with Mr. Belly, checking his progess, "great work! Darn, I never thought of using the Belly Banditos. Here's something else to pass along to them, uncle D. Tell the Banditios to tell the bar owners the deal is free Shiner, Moon Pies and BBQ for tonight, and in exchange all they want is all the Budweiser on the shelves. Pick up all that Bud and have them bring it over to FOE headquarters. We'll dump it all in a field adjacent to the main building, OK? I don't know how much time we have, uncle D., so they better hurry."

********

Chompy saw the Liz Post from a block away. "Stop this here thing!" he cried out to Crockett. The Humvee halted and Chompy leaped out and threw the LPTP in the HV. Following Chompy into the Humvee was Ulapa, who simply said, "I can take you to Eyskin."

Chapter 76

Mot knew that he was a stranger in a strange land, a wanderer, a sojourner; a man who was just passin' thru, in fact all his life he'd just been passin' thru. But he loved his adopted country of America, even though at the moment he was in Mexico, but what the hell, he said to himself, "I have found a woman to love me and there's a blue sky above me, and now I'm on my own, on my own" (he wondered why he added the second 'on my own'). He would die for his new country.

Sadly, Mot would have the chance to prove it.

**********

Mosath Eyskin unlocked the door to his secret FOE bunker, where he would complete his master plan to destroy the marketing image of Anheuser Busch, at least for a few days, make millions of dollars, and set the stage for rolling out the FOE line of spirits he had planned.

Eyskin locked the door after entering the bunker, leaving himself 20 ft. underground, surrounded by three ft. of concrete on all sides, completely isolated from the rest of the world. He pressed a button on the FOE console, and raised the Battle Map. Each light on the map represented a bar where one or more exploding Bud 12-packs had been stored. By pressing the corresponding button on the console, Eyeskin could blow up an entire bar, in the name of bad Bud, now that word had been spread that something was very wrong with recent Bud shipments from the U.S.

Eyskin had a moment of conscience. There had been a time when he would never have considered using violence to advance FOE and personal portfolio development. But he said to himself, "get lost in enough hurricanes, make enough changes, and you can change your focus." Still, Eyskin hesitated to push the first button. Then he thought about the entire FOE treasury being wiped out if he didn't. So he pushed the button.

Unknown to Eyskin, an explosion had just taken out a portion of the first floor of FOE headquarters. Eyskin wouldn't know for hours, since the bunker left him buffered from all sound and movement outside.

Over the next few minutes, Eyeskin completely destroyed all property on the FOE estate, except for the bunker. And he had a great time. After pushing the first button, he really got into the idea of blowing up Bud drinkers, seeing dollar signs on each lamp on the map. Later he would discover once again that there's always a way to screw up any plan.

Chapter 77

The next morning, the front page of The San Manse Unfolding Times reported "San Manse Loves Shiner!," describing the remarkably successful promotion of Shiner the previous evening.

On page 12 there was a small report of a fire at the Friends Of Earth compound. FOE director Mosath Eyskin was quoted as saying, "looks like we had a big gas leak." Radio reports showed the Anheuser-Busch stock price rising slightly on reports of a Shiner shortage in South Texas.

Mosath Eyskin surmised that it could have been worse. No one was hurt, after all, and the insurance settlement would provide around $20M to rebuild FOE. And the FFA was intact. He began planning his next act.

**********

What is time but an effort to be passed? Is time not like a bowel movement? When time is constipated, do we not all feel sluggish and in a state of disarray (or in a Yankee state)? Who are we if are not ourselves? Fictional characters in the worst novel ever? Perhaps, but to be worthy of greatness, do we not also need to be great in worth? These questions that need to be asked, and we're not afraid to ask them.

We're just afraid there might be an answer.

**********

As Bernice Belly waited with other FOE interns for a flights to the U.S. at the San Manse airstrip, she felt a gentle tap on her shoulder. It was Mosath Eyskin.

He said, "let me buy you a departure San Manse drink." She joined him in the airport cantina.

Eyskin said, "I think you have had an eventful stay in San Manse."

Bernice said, "I have learned much, and in learning there is pain."

Eyskin asked, "what do you have planned, and what do you see in FOE's future?"

Bernices said, "it has been written:

'It�s almost over. The best part anyway. At least we�ve survived. Only temporarily. Then the end is near? It would seem to be. But even now, we�re ready to start over if given half a chance. It�s amazing, isn�t it, how gullible we are. We believe because not believing is unacceptable. What then? Like the rain, we too will fall.'

"The message is clear to the wise," continued Bernice as she left the cantina.

Eyskin thought to himself, "I don't know just what she meant, but I feel good about it." He softly said, "I'll see you again in a sequel somewhere, Miss Belly."

Chapter 78

Your ON here. For the brave of heart, we have twenty-three chapters left. Yes, those chapters will be much like the first seventy-seven chapters, full of bathroom humor, both good and bad, both mediocre and sublime. Yes, bathroom humor can be sublime. Seek out the metaphors. There will you find nuggets of truth and meaning.

**********

It was getting crowded in the Humvee. Crockett felt a letdown. They had come so close to capturing Eyskin and the FFA, but he and it had escaped through the cracks somehow, leaving behind no clues.

At that moment, Chompy shouted, "We'd better find Deep Belly fast!"

"Why?" Crockett asked.

"Because according to my calculations he's gone almost forty-eight hours without Liz Post toilet paper. He's almost at the point of no return. I'd reckoned we've got 90 minutes before MH kicks in!

Crockett was almost afraid to ask, "What's MH?"

"Mexican Hemorrhoids!"

"Oh, my God!", cried Maria.

Chapter 79

As you may remember San Manse' was in a town in ruins, so it was not difficult for Enrique to escape the jail Maria had put him in; exactly how he did it we will not explain. As it turned out they (his jailers) had left his gun on the floor of the jail's office. He picked it up and went in search of his tormentors. He was to proud to be a Skinny One and he knew that he had been to called to fight Trans Fatty acids and all those who consumed them.

After about a five minute walk he spotted the yellow rolling outhouse. He saw El Bellysario sitting beside the outhouse in the sand eating and drinking. Beside him was a dumb looking British fellow who was talking but not walking. Enrique strolled up to the two, aimed his gun at El Bellysario and shot him in the heart. Much to Enrique's surprise, El Bellysario yawned, stood up, slapped the gun out of his hand, and tossed him into the bottom of the outhouse. Much to his surprise he heard a voice say, "...willing to risk life and limb."

**********

Crockett couldn't believe his binoculaurs. Deep Belly had just been shot straight into the heart with absolutely no effect. What technology had the Bellys come up with this time? This looked even more valuable than the FFA. He'd better call PB.

*********

Eisner was roaring mad. "The plot is going nowhere! Not enough action or human interest. And except for Mot and Lucy kissing, there's no sex."

An exec sputtered, "But we're a Disney Company!"

Another exec suggested, "How about Maria and Lucy kissing?"

"Hell, no," roared Eisner, "I want to see some blood and guts!"

********

For some strange reason, Crockett felt the hair tingle on the back of his neck. When he glanced to his left he knew why. Travis was standing by the Humvee door. Suddenly, Travis yanked the door open, jerked Crockett out, and uncorked an uppercut to the jaw. Crockett stumbled back across the front of the Humvee, keeping himself afoot only by holding on to the front bumper. Next thing Crockett knew an Army boot was blasting into the side of his face. Everything began to go black, but then he heard Maria and Lucy say in tandem, "Let's get the son of a bitch!" and through misty, pain-soaked eyes he saw the two women attack Travis with a relish, one hitting high, while the other hitting low. Travis hit the ground hard, but his elite military training transitioned into the subconscious, and he began to roll, and while rolling pulled his GIP (government issued pistol) out of the holster and took aim at the girls. As Travis squeezed the trigger, Mot threw himself laterally in front of Maria and Lucy taking the slug in the chest. As Mot fell silently onto the dusty ground, Lucy cried out in anguish. Travis, who had slightly recovered, laughed and took aim again, but before he could fire, a donkey came running up from behind and kicked him in the head, sending Travis into a deep sleep that knows no morning. Chunky cried, "My ass is back! Chimpy, you're alive!"

Yes, the ass was alive, but two men were dead.

Chapter 80

Eisner said, "Now that's more like it!"

An exec bravely ventured, "But what if the co-writer who is dining out doesn't like killing off two principal characters?"

Eisner retorted, "It's obvious that Mot is a Christ figure, so if the co-writer brings back him to life, the audience will probably accept it."

"How about Travis?"

"Travis is an archetype for tyrannical, instrusive government. Most viewers, except the Oliver North types, will be glad to see him go."

"I don't know. Maybe Travis was good at heart but had sold his soul to the government store."

Just then a man walked into the room. It was Travis!

"What are you doing here?" they all asked, stunned and stupified.

"I'm not. I'm your conscience and Travis is dead because you wanted better ratings."

Eisner swallowed hard, then whispered, "But that's our job."

"No, it isn't," the apparition replied, "your job is to entertain with balance and restraint." And with that remark the apparition dissolved into the thinness of the air.

There was about twenty seconds of silence that ensued, then Eisner barked, "OK, boys, back to work!"

*********

Deep Belly and Fogg had witnessed the whole sickening scenario play out. Fogg cried out, "Not Mot! We came to America at the same time, searching for different things maybe, but bloody soul brothers nonetheless, as you Americans might say."

DB responded... **********

Sue Chambers entered the production room, slamming the door. The room went quiet. She said, "Mr. Eisner, I'm the general manager of the ABC affiliate in Austin, Texas. I have been trying to get a message to you that apparently hasn't come to your attention. ABC is running the Belly show without a valid contract. You are creating a liability for millions in damages."

One of Eisner's attorney's said, "we know about that. We're not worried. We can hold her off long enough that she'll be glad to take a small settlement. No problem."

Chambers said, "Problem. Miss Ledbetter is getting nasty. I've tried to talk her out of it, but she's threatening to completely destroy the Belly show. If she doesn't receive a payment of $200M dollars in the next 12 hours, she is going to do something that will not only kill the Belly show but set ABC back at least two years.

"She knows where the Belly show camera is located. If you don't act quickly she is going to personally escort the most deadly ratings killed in the industry to a position directly in front of the camera."

The Eisner attorney asked, "oh yeah, and who might that be? Lil' Abner?"

The room broke into laughter. The laughter soon hushed when Chambers said, "no. Phil Donohue."

Chapter 81

Eisner threw his wine glass, knocking the platter of sushi off of the table and onto the floor. Three VPs slipped on the sushi while trying to dodge the shattered glass and slid across the floor.

Eisner shouted, "no! No, no, no! Write the check! Throw in another 20 mil for good measure. No, wait. Send cash, send lots of cash. No, wait, take a check and cash and let her choose. And deliver it in person. You (pointing to the attorney) - deliver the money. Get a promise not to broadcast Donohue. Take my jet. Take two jets. Stop this madness!!"

A VP in charge of devil's advocacy said, "oh, come on. It it that big a deal?" Eisner said, "you're fired. Go." As the former VP was being escorted from the room, Eisner said, "ABC is already slipping and taking down Disney stock. The Belly show is getting the only decent audience we've seen in months. It's the only thing keeping Disney stock from sinking. Putting the most repulsive personality on TV onto that show would be a death shot at our entire organization. This Ledbetter woman is evil. Pay her and let's move on."

Then the VP in charge of follow-up questions asked, "well, what about Mr. Belly's request that we get Dandy Don back on MNF?" Eisner said, "go get him! Tell Michaels and Madden to make room. Take my jet! Take all the jets! Get these people off my back!"

**********

Fogg screamed, "you've been shot, man!" Mr. Belly replied, "worst then that, Frog, I done killed a dadgum Moon Pie!"

Fogg ran over and pointed to the hole in the bib of Mr. Belly's overalls, saying, "see, you've been shot!"

Mr. Belly tried to look at the hole in the bib, but he couldn't bend his thick neck over far enough to actually see it. He asked, "you shore? Dadgum shore?"

Fogg said, "yes! I'm dadgum shore!"

Mr. Belly reached into his bib, pulling out his Wullet. He said, "dadgum! Sumbody done shooted my dadgum wullet! See, it's colored all funny now! It ain't purty no more, dadgum it! That there's against the rules is what that is! Who done it, Frog?"

Fogg pointed at Crockett, who was still trying to get to his feet, saying "him! Get him!"

Mr. Belly finished a fresh Moon Pie he had pulled out of a box following the premature demise of the first Moon Pie he had ever dropped in his life as he casually walked to the rear of the pig trailer. After finished the Moon Pie and dropping the wrapper, he pulled a 10 ft. 4 x 4 out of the trailer. Holding one end with his right hand, he steadied the board with his left. And then he hurled the piece of wood with great velocity, on a straight line to Crockett's skull. The skull folded over like a gate on a hinge, breaking Crockett's neck and nearly taking his head off his body. Someone yelled out, "he's killed Davy Crockett!" Mr. Belly said, "sorry, Davy. Rules is rules."

Chapter 82

"Some men protect women, some men protect children. Deep Belly protects moon pies. That' s the Belly way, and this is Geraldo, risking life and limb for you loyal FOX News viewers. You know who you are and I know who I am and I'm getting the hell out of here!"

**********

Bodies were strewn across the desert. It reminded Dickie of his days with Bill and Hillary when political opponents were strewn across the American landscape. Now that was one barren landscape! Dickie realized that it was time to take an advantage of this calamity. Sure, people lay dying and in pain, but wasn't that what life was all about? Opportunities like this were always a godsend for a man like himself. By gosh, it was time to do some triangulating.

*********

Fogg then yelled, "opps! I think I may be mistaken. Crockett did not in fact shoot you. It was the Hispanic gentleman in the toilet!"

Mr. Belly looked at Fogg, with uncharacterisic hostility. Fogg became quite frightened and exclaimed, "but Crockett killed Mot! It's OK, see? He had to die as well!!"

Mr. Belly looked over at Mot, who was moving slightly on the ground, mumbling something in Russian. Mr. Belly said, "shoot, Mot ain't dead. He's over there talkin' commanist. Dadgum it! I done kilt Mr. Davy Crockett and it wadn't him what shooted my Wullet. Dadgum, I done wrong!"

Fogg was becoming hysterical. He said, "no! No, Crockett was dastardly scum. Believe me, his intention was to shoot your Wullet as well. He had to die."

Mr. Belly said, "well, dadgum, I reckon I still got to kill that feller in the crap tank."

Walking inside the RO, Mr. Belly lifted the top of the waste reservoir. Looking at Geraldo, he said, "dadgum, you in there again! And after you been washed? Well, jist stay there if you want to." Reluctantly, Mr. Belly grabbed Enrique by the neck, effortlessly lifting him out of the tank. Holding the body out as far as he could, he rapidly jerked Enrique out the door and threw him several feet from the RO. Then he said, "dadgum, my hand's all filthy now!" He began rubbing it in the dirt as he noticed Enrique running away. Mr. Belly picked up a large rock and threw it at Entique, hitting his right leg. Enrique collapsed to the ground, saying several words in Spanish quite loudly. Mr. Belly said, "you come back here and sit fer a spell!" Enrique didn't move. Mr. Belly threw another rock at Enrique's left leg. Then he said, "dadgum, git up here or I'll chunk at yore haid next!" Enrique began crawling toward the RO. Mr. Belly said, "that there's better. Don't git to dadgum close, though. You filthy!"

After washing his hand several times, Mr. Belly said, "well, shoot, I guess we got ta hold a trial on this feller what Frog says shooted my dadgum Wullet."

Fogg said, "no! Just kill him!"

Mr. Belly said, "no, them ain't the rules, dadgum it. I never seen nobody shootin' my dadgum Wullet, but you can shore see that it been shooted, cain't you? See, looky here - it's all ugly now! Dadgum it, I traded me a pig for this here Wullet to Mr. Sloppy Sam. Done had it more years than what I can count to, and it ain't purty no more. The pig's been eat, so this here's all that's left a the pig. It ain't right to go 'round shootin' what's left of a pig, is it?" All agreed that Enrique had committed an unforgiveable act, and that he should be killed.

Mr. Belly asked Enrique, "well, can you thank a any other way ta make my Wullet right?"

Enrique said, "difficult question. I'll need time to think it through."

Mr. Belly said, "well, 'ol Davy Crockett done died for the dadgum Wullet shootin', so I reckon it's paid for best I can tell. This feller would just be gravy on the Wullet payment, see? Shoot, best I can tell, it's up to you all. I don't much care." Tears came to his eyes as he comtemplated the Wullet, "dadgum, it jist ain't purty no more!"

Chapter 83

DB's sale phone made a loud noise, very similar to the oinking of a pig, "DB here."

It was Sloppy, "Dammit, DB, what you doing killing that Davy Crockett? He didn't shoot Mot. Travis shot Mot and he's already dead, killed by Chunky's ass that came back from the dead."

DB didn't know what to say.

*********

Several minutes had passed, minutes pregnant with poignancy.

Mr. Belly heard his sale phone beeping somewhere in the distance, rather muffled. After searching for over a minute, he discovered that he was sitting on it. He raised it to his ear and said, "what's takin' you so long, Bobby Juan?"

The answer he heard was, "this is Beulah Faye, D.B."

Mr. Belly said, "tell Bobby Juan to jump on the phone."

Beulah Faye said, "he ain't here, D.B., but I've got news for you. I've got a big pile of money for you. ABC came up with payment for your TV show. Your share is $176M."

Mr. Belly asked, "yeah? That right smart? How many in Mickey boxes?"

Beulah Faye said, "well, at $10,000 a box, you've got yourself close to 20,000 Mickey Mouse lunch boxes full of $100 dollar bills."

Mr. Belly said, "how big a pile is that there?"

Beulah Faye said, "they'll fill up your barn."

Mr. Belly exclaimed, "dadgum, Beulah, where in the world am I gonna put that mess? Shoot, I done filled me up two dadgum rooms with Mickey boxes. He ta move my dadgum fishin' poles to the barn. They just ain't no more dadgum room for that mess. Shoot, call up Bernice. She knows nummers and what not real good. Let her figure out where ta put that bidness."

Beulah Faye said, "whatever you want, D.B. I'll call Bernice."

Mr. Belly then said, "but where'd Bobby Juan go? Said he'd call in a minute and then you called. He go outside or sumthin'?"

Beulah Faye said, "D.B., what you want to do is hang up on this call and wait for Bobby Juan. See, he's not here."

Mr. Belly said, "well, I reckon. These here sale phones shore is confusin'. You tell Bobby Juan to call, OK?"

Beulah Faye said she would. And she thought to herself, "dadgum, I could have sent that man $100 and he'd have thought he'd gotten a fair deal on the ABC money." But then, she remembered the old Dime Box saying, "cross a Belly and you'll get puked on." Sometimes, it's real smart to just do the right thing, Beulah Faye surmised.

Chapter 84

Fogg had overheard the conversation. He said to DB, "Well, ole chap, seems you got a bloody mess of money on your hands and you don't know what to do with it."

DB took a swig of Shiner, and said, "Yep."

"I've got a bloody good idea, ole fellow."

DB took another swig and just nodded for Fogg to go ahead.

"Rebuild San Manse' to its former glory."

Maria who had been walkin' and talkin' with Lucy as they approached the outhouse stopped dead in her tracks. Tears began to form in her eyes.

*********

Why was Dickie even in this novel? If there had ever been a reason he and the writers had long forgotten it. But now they had introduced a monetary windfall of great size into the shaky plot. Obviously two parties diametrically opposed would fight to decide how the money would be spent. That means a third party, himself, would be necessary to negotiate a settlement equitable to both sides. O, happy day. By the way, where was Lucy, and was she still barefoot? Maybe he could develop a line of pants for women when he got back to New York. And was that Geraldo over there all covered with crap? Boy, this was turning out to be a great day.

*********

Bernice Belly had just entered her Austin apartment when she heard the phone ringing. "Hello?"

She heard, "Bernice, this is Beulah Faye Ledbetter."

Bernice said, "good to hear from you Aunt Beulah! How are you doin'?"

Beualah said, "great! Listen, you know about the TV show your uncle D.B.'s been in don't you?"

Bernice said, "no! Did channel 4 come over to film his fuding lectures?"

Beulah said, "no, Bernice. Bigger. Guess you've been out of town. Biggest thing on TV. Anyway, I collected payment from ABC. D.B.s share is $176M. As you probably know, your uncle D.B. won't have anything to do with checks or banks. He calls them 'Yankee money.' He also says he doesn't have room for all that cash. So, he said to call and have you figure out what to do with it."

Bernice said, "dadgum! That's a lot of money. Guess we ought to pay the taxes first, shouldn't we?"

Beulah Faye said, "I guess you don't know that D.B. pays tax only when he thinks the govt. has had a good year. Since he deals only with cash, it's surprisingly hard for any govt. to get anything out of him. So, believe it or not, his tax-paying pretty well comes down to what he wants to pay. Now, I don't care how you handle this; all I can tell you is that D.B. has never been what you'd call a conventional tax-payer."

Bernice said, "well, this one time, let's do it the old-fashioned way. Let's set up a bank account. Put it in my name so uncle D. won't get upset, pay the tax, and I'll figure out what to do next."

Beulah said, "you've got it. I'll have all that done today."

Bernice said, "thanks, Beulah."

Setting the phone down, Bernice thought to herself, "my, you could do a lot with over $100M dollars. Even establish an organization to oppose FOEs gone bad."

Chapter 85

DB, Fogg, Dickie, and Maria were having a confab, sharing Shiner and moon pies. Lucy was looking for her shoes while Chunky and Chompy were digging graves for Mot, Travis, and Crockett. Sloppy was also in on the confab via conferencing.

"Rebuilding San Manse' sounds good on the surface but what if another hurricane hits?" Dickie was playing Devil's Advocate.

"It will not harm us as long as keep walkin' and talkin' and eating food laced with trans fatty acids." Maria replied. From two thousand miles away, Sloppy chimed in, "I'll do my part. I'll keep San Manse' well supplied with bar-b-que, hash and rice, and fried foods of all kinds."

Dickie knew he had the others sold on the idea, but what about DB? He had said nothing, seemingly content to drink Shiner and eat Moon Pies. What was he thinking?

**********

Sue Chambers sat down across the desk of the general manager of the Albuquerque, NM, ABC affilliate, Johnny Don Gonzalez.

She said, "listen, Johnny Don, I've got to talk to Don Meredith. Don't ask why right now. All I can tell you is that's it is vitally important to get him back on MNF."

Johnny Don said, "wow! Sounds like a good idea to me. Problem is that Dandy Don has become a real recluse. Won't talk to anyone about anything. Now, I know someone who knows someone who knows his gardener. Maybe we could get to him that way."

Sue Chambers said, "get it done. Both our jobs are depending on it." **********

Renaldo Gomez entered the living quarters of the ranch where he tended the garden and went directly to the office of Don Meredith. He entered, saying, "Senor Meredith, a gringo lady wants to talk with you. I know you don't want visitors, but that's not my problem. The noisy gringo lady is. Here she is. Now she's your problem. Now leave me alone. I have work to do."

Meredith turned around in his chair, ready to do some cursing at Renaldo, to find that the gringo lady, Sue Chambers, was a fine looking woman. So he said, "oh, OK. Let's talk for a while."

Sue Chambers said, "I'll get right to the point, Mr. Meredith. ABC wants you on Monday Night Football. It's more important to the network than you can imagine. If you don't join the show, the network may go under."

Meredith said, "doggone, that sounds serious. I don't like TV, though. Don't like crowds. Don't like football. There's lot of stuff I don't like, but I'm a Texan, so I've got a right. Don't like Texas either. Too civilized. I like it here. The state's run by people who don't read or write. Democrats. Civlization won't take hold here for years, maybe never. I like it here. No deal."

Sue Chambers asked, "how about just one show. A remote, televise from right here?"

Meredith said, "I don't like that idea."

Chambers said, "for a million dollars?"

Meredith said, "I like that number. Maybe. We'll talk. Later. Got to eat. I like BBQ. You bring any Shiner? That's something else I like."

Chapter 86

Mr. Belly sat pensively. Something was going on in his mind. A thought? An observation? Something. Something circulating. Percolating. Dripping. Dropping. Aggervating. Finally it hit him. He said, "dadgum it, I'm flat out tard a Moon Pies! I'm tard a goat BBQ! You know what we all need? Pig! Shoot, you see that pig trailer? It ain't seen a pig fer better'n two weeks. You know what that ain't? It ain't natural is what it ain't. See this whole dadgum country? They ain't no pigs! That there's what's wrong with this here place. I'll tell you sumthin' a country what don't eat bacon in the mornin' is a country that ain't never gonna put no rocket ship on the dadgum moon or blow up a mess a Japanese or have a decent perfessional football league. She that little ol' Maria? Know why she's so dadgum porely? No dadgum pig! Dadgum it, it ain't right! Shoot, I done gone without eatin' pig for better'n a week, and here I am with a Wullet that ain't purty no more and not gettin' it right who I was supposed ta thow dadgum boards at. And you know why? Pig storvation is what why. Dadgum it, we got to get some dadgum pigs here. Now let's all figger out how we can get some dadgum pigs, and save the dadgum country. See?"

**********

Chompy knew he couldn't wait any longer. So he picked up two armfuls of Liz Post Toilet Paper, the facial quality kind. Chompy knew DB had already killed today and could do so again if necessary. The LPTP was his only hope. He started walking toward DB.

Chapter 87

DB's sale phone rang yet again. This time there was no doubt about the oinkiness of the ring. DB said, "Howdy, Slop." He had finally figured out that everything he was saying and doing was being transmitted across that damn TV.

Sloppy didn't hesitate, "'Bout time you came on board, DB. Pig is the answer to all our troubles and the salve for all wounds. BBQ pig that is. I get poetic when I think about pigs. Pigs are good, pigs are people, but that don't mean you don't eat 'em. In fact, I think it's our duty to eat 'em. Never let that good taste go to waste." Sloppy took one breath then went on.

"Anyway, Lance just got back from Hemingway and he's raring to get back to San Manse'. He knows some changes are bound to be made and he wants to be a part of them. But he ain't coming by himself. He's bringing a couple hundred of primo pigs with him. Don't worry about the cost. I know you can pay for them. Hah."

DB's mouth started to water.

**********

Mr. Belly dropped the sale phone back into his overhauls bib and loudly exclaimed, "dadgum, we done a got a miracle! Mr. Sloppy Sam gonna send a mess a pig jist for right here! We'll cook a mess of 'em and stort a mess of 'em ta breedin'. Texaco gonna have pig! Ain't never gonna go without bacon no dadgum more!"

Maria said, "oh, it is true El Bellysario! You were sent to us as promised in the ancient writings to lead us into a new age of plentiful nutrition and conspiuous consumption! Bravo El Bellysario!" Then Maria began to sing:

I love El Bellysario

He brings an interlude of fud

RC, Shiner, Moon Pies

Lots and lots of fud

He brings it by the cartful

Carried by his hordes

And he guards every morsel

With magic flying boards

After singing several encores of her musical tribute to El Bellysario, Maria sat down beside Mr. Belly.

After a few minutes, Mr. Belly asked, "you alright there Miz Maria? You ain't gettin' a storvation sickness workin' are you?"

Maria said, "no, El Bellysario. I have the happiness that brings sadness. I know I will be fuded now, and that makes me long for what I do not have. El Bellysario, I have not known love. Do you know love? If you do, tell me about your first love so that I may find hope that my heart will become not only hearty buy joyous."

Mr. Belly said, "oh sure, dadgum right I 'member. It was in the outhouse. Not the rollin' outhouse, understand but the outhouse behind the home place. It was a hailin' and I was in there takin' care a my own dadgum bidness, and then there was Miz Bonnie Bodine a talkin' out there, sayin' "can I come in there while it's a hailin'?" I said, "why shore, soon's I git my overhaults snapped. I got a extry hole right here.

"She come in then and took a seat. Next thang I know, she's a eatin' on sumthin' I never had seen bafore. It was dadgum white candy! Divinity is what it was. She said, "sorry I ain't got enough for two. If I'd a known I was gonna have company, I'd a brought more." Well, I could see that she had herself half a dadgum bushel and thought she could surely spare jist one dadgum piece. So's I told her if she'd give me a piece I'd smoke her up a big ol' mess a ribs and brang 'em over the next day. She kept sayin' no, though, dadgum it. I finally got me a piece, though, but by that time I'd promised two steer and four pig. Then I seen what she meant. One dadgum piece wadn't near enough. Shoot, that there just made me real hungry. That's when the hail stopped and she went off home, with me all a hungered there in the outhouse.

"Well, I taken the steer and pig over to her place the next day, and there she was with a big ol' mess a fried chicken like hadn't never seen bafore. I told her that sure did look and smell good. She said thank you and didn't offer me one dadgum piece! So, jist to be neighborly I said I sure wouldn't mind havin' a piece a that there chicken. She give me two breasts, and dadgum if that there didn't just git me all hungry for some more. I ast for some more pieces and I'll be dadgumed if she didn't git another half-dozen pigs out a me fore I got the whole dadgum plate.

"Well, daddy said shoot, you better marry that dadgum Bodine girl, or all the dadgum steer and pig a gonna be gone to the other side a the fence. So, shoot, I went over there the next day and said dadgum, I thank we better git married, hadn't we? She said, "I don't know. You ain't told me that I'm purty." Wail, I taken a real good look and told her she looked to me like a prize 6-month old sow, with a dadgum fine frame that would shore carry a real nice belly once it had had some time ta grow, and then be the best dadgum breedin' sow in the whole dadgum country.

"Well, she taken to smilin' and laughin' and said, well dadgum, I thank we ought to get to breedin'. I said I was thankin' the same dadgum thang, but they wadn't no reason why we couldn't have ourselves a big ol' mess a that fried chicken, mashed taters and divinity 'fore we got started. She said why shore, what kind a girl did I thank she was that go to breedin' on a empty belly. And I knew then and there that I'd done hit the dadgum love jackpot, and that I wouldn't have ta keep givin' away the steer and pig. Never will forget it, dadgum it."

Maria said, "how wonderful for you, El Bellysario! I hope I too will find wonderful fud and breedin' love. Will I?" Mr. Belly said, "dadgum right. Just don't forget the the belly. Even with a little one, you got to take care of it. See?"

Chapter 88

Dickie was busy triangulating, Maria was dreamning about the new San Masne', Lucy had found her shoes, DB's mouth was still watering, and Chunky was playing with his ass. All was right with the world or was it?

Suddenly there was a loud, brassy noise sounding just like a loud, brassy trombone or maybe a old refrigerator just about to heave and breathe its last. Then in the desert about fifty feet from the rolling outhouse the heat waves began shimmering and what looked like a slim brown outhouse about seven feet high and three feet wide began materializing. The ground beneath began shuttering, displacing rocks and lizards. Then the noise stopped and what had first looked like an outhouse turned out to be a London telephone booth. In fact, Fogg said, "That looks like a London telephone booth."

Everyone was quiet as the door of the telephone booth opened and a tall man with a great mound of curly hair atop his head and a scarf that went down to his feet stepped into the desert sunlight. Chompy asked, "Who are you?"

"I'm the Doctor."

Chunky replied, "Doctor Who?"

Chapter 89

"Just call me Doctor." DB who only seemed mildly interested in this latest development, due to the fact that most of his brainpower was being devoted to thinking about all the work he had to do to bar-b-que the 200 pigs that Sloppy was sending via Lance, asked, "What brings ya here?"

The Doctor, with an elegant flourish of his scarf, replied, "As you may or not know, my television show is no longer in production, so for the past few years I've been working as a consultant for time travel companies. This particular time, so to speak, I'm working for TUI which in turned is on contract to ABC. I'm hoping this exposure will revive interest in my television show in America."

Maria, who was intensely interested, queried, "What's TUI?"

"Time Unfolding Incorporated. It's run by SM Tubebacher and his wife JD (Josephine Desiree). Eisner hired them when he saw the plot development of this novel was getting wacky."

Dickie then inserted, "What do you mean?"

"I mean, dear fellow, time is out of joint. For example, Fogg here, a fellow countryman I'm somewhat ashamed to say, and some of you others are trying to convince Mr. Belly to use his millions of dollars to rebuild San Manse, which will make him a hero there. Yet, a statue of him already exist in the Temple of the Golden Chariot. Yet, ostensibly, it is the rebuilding that will cause the San Manse' citizens to build a statue of him." The Doctor paused for a moment and noticed a Hispanic looking man with a microphone edging toward him. The Doctor pushed a button on his wrist and the man instantly disappeared. Everyone cheered.

Maria who had been cogitating furiously said, "Can you explain what's going on?"

The Doctor smiled. "Only theoretically. Tubebacher's TU Maxim says that time is unfolding backward. In other words, the future has already happened, the past is yet to be."

There was only stunned silence. The Doctor continued. "It has to do with the human brain. Most people think ass backwards.

Chunky chimed in, "Did someone mention Chimpy?"

The Doctor ignoring the comment went on, "So you see, there's really a very simple explanation for everything. You just need the Spirit of Alcapulco to assimilate it."

Maria asked, "Is Acapulco still alive?"

"Yes and no, " the Doctor replied cryptically, "Yes, when humans follow him in resisting the trap of tradition, and no when you sing with musical accompaniment. But be that as it may, I must leave you with one final warning. Watch out for Mosath and the Skinny Ones. They will join forces in the past.

Everyone (except DB) gasped, then Maria inquired,

"Where do you go from here?"

"Perhaps the other side of the universe...my dear."

And with those final mysterious words the Doctor stepped back into the London telephone booth. Momentarily there was a loud, brassy sound and the booth vanished into the desert air.

**********

Your ON here. As you may have noticed DB had little to say. What did he think about all this? Does it matter to him if time flows backwards? What about the threat of Mosath and the Skinny Ones? If you want to know DB's thoughts, then read on...

**********

Chapter 90

Mr. Belly was on the verge of panic, his first non-fud panic since Jackie Smith dropped that dadgum pass in Super Bowl XIII. He thought to himself, "what have I done?! I'm brangin' pigs into this dadgum place, and they ain't got no fit home! How these folks gonna feed pigs right? Belly pigs is happy pigs and dadgum tasty pigs 'cause they git week-old Twankies ever dadgum day that I get from the dadgum Twankie store, for dadgum nothin'. They ain't no Twankie shop 'round here! Shoot, and they ain't nobody can make Twankie's in these parts cause they ain't no Marthy White flour! Shoot, this here would be a dadgum sorry home for pigs. All they make 'round here is corn meal. You cain't make Twankies out a corn. Dadgum, you make cornbread with corn. Sure wouldn't mind havin' some hot cornbread all buttered right now... Anyways...what was I a thankin' on? Oh yes, storvin' pigs! What on earth am I a gonna do?"

**********

Enrique lay dead in the outhouse. Dickie discovered him there when he went to to relieve himself. Dickie wasn't sure why Enrique died so he asked Lucy to take a look. Lucy's KGB training took over.

"It's suicide," Lucy said flatly.

"Cyanide?" asked Dickie.

"No," replied Lucy,"Moon Pies."

***********

DB had forgiven Chompy for stealing the rolling outhouse. When the Mexican Hemorrhoids are about to hit, you're willing to forgive almost anything. As long as forgiveness includes Elizabeth Post Facial Quality Toilet Paper.

**********

Sloppy pulled off the long overcoat along with the curly wig, elevator shoes, and eight foot scarf. Damn, he thought, how do those Englishmen stand these hot clothes. They must have icicles in their veins.

Yes, Sloppy had pretended to be the Doctor. His cousin, S.M., had recruited him several years ago when Sloppy's Bar-b-que business had hit rock bottom thanks to The Great Bar-b-que Controversy. Sloppy had lost a debate to Texas Tom over the merits of pork versus beef bbq and consequently pork bbq sales had plummeted nationwide. It was two years before things were back to normal so Sloppy was forced to moonlight to keep up the lifestyle that he, Messy Mabel, and Sloppy Jr. enjoyed.

Sales had returned to normal and Sloppy no longer had to moonlight but he couldn't resist this one chance to get more personally involved in the plot of the worst novel ever. It gave him a chance to actually to see Maria, his long lost daughter, and also once again to ride in SM's TTM (Tubebacher Time Machine). All in all, not a bad day's work.

Chapter 91

Mosath and the Skinny Ones attacked at dawn. They spread Smart Balance, the butter substitute that has no trans fatty acids and promises to reduce bad cholesterol, throughout the markets of San Manse'. Deep Belly and friends fought back violently, but with only moon pies full of saturated fats, the battle was still in doubt, when this writer turned it over to the other writer...

**********

The Skinny Ones had been routed. Mosath Eyskin had escaped capture and fled back to his bunker where he thought he would be safe. The Skinny Ones' leaders, Babs, Al, Dash, Geppie, and Bubba were all in the San Manse' jail awaiting extraditon. Problem was nobody wanted them.

In the Caribbean, according to the Weather Channel, a tropical depression had formed and was headed for the Mexican coast. Conditions were favorable for a hurricane to form.

Lance had arrived with two hundred pigs and a ton of Twinkies. DB was concerned there wasn't enough water to make mud holes for the pigs.

Life was returning to normal in San Manse'

***********

Mosath Eyskin drove back toward his FOE bunker, the only structure that was still intact on the FOE estate. When he arrived, the entire estate was surrounded with barricades and signs that read "no trespassing." In a rage, Eyeskin got out of his pick-up and asked one of the Mexican policement guarding the barricades, "what are you doing blocking me from my property?"

The policia officer, Bobby Juan Belly, said, "this is not your property, Senor Eyeskin. It has been repossessed for non-payment of back taxes and sold. You will be allowed to move your personal items later, but you do not own this property."

Eyeskin shouted at Bobby Juan, "well, who does?"

Eyeskin then heard a soft voice behind him say, "I do." It was Bernice Belly.

She said, "I own most of San Manse now, all that was available for sale. The FOE estate was sold to me along with several other properties that were years behind in property tax payments. No offense, Mr. Eyeskin, but you haven't managed FOE well."

Eyeskin exclaimed, "you won't get away with this!"

Bernice Belly replied, "we'll see about that. In the meantime, don't get any ideas about getting away with the FFA. I've returned that to its rightful owner, my brother. And don't worry about your personal papers and computers. They're in a safe place. I've made copies of the most interesting ones. The Mexican and U.S. govts. would find them especially interesting if I decided to share the information. I could become very interested if you become an irritating foe."

Chapter 92

Homast Eyskin had lived in the shadow of his brother for thirty years. His bitterness was the kind that dripped on the rug and sullied it and left it lifeless and flea-bitten, useless except for a casual window ornament in the glassless window of an adobe house in the Mexican desert. But now as he sat in the front seat of the Lexus 4X4 that belonged to his recent benefactor, Miss Bernice Belly, he felt redeemed somehow, newly alive you might say, ready to take on all challenges, by casting away the dregs of past defeats. Yes, now, due to the recent misfortune of his estranged brother Mosath, he was ready to accept the title that should have been his already...'The Baron of BOM'!

*********

The tropical depression had quickly been upgraded to a tropical storm. From there it rapidly assimilated into a small hurricane. From there...

With winds reaching up to almost two hundred miles per hour, Hurricane Hillary smashed into the Mexican coast where it spawned destruction, death, chaos, and horror. Meeting land had almost no effect on it and it continued its path of devastation straight toward...San Manse'!

Meanwhile, in San Manse', the citizenry was celebrating the greatness and generosity of El Bellysario. They had no idea a storm was headed their way.

Chapter 93

It's quiet now. As it is always before the storm. The little village of San Manse' in the mountains of Northern Mexico was fading from sight in the dwindling sunlight of a late desert afternoon. A lonely figure could be seen on the horizon, walkin' and talkin' to herself. It was Maria and she was reflecting on the startling events of the past few days. Or was it the future few days? Her head was spinning with more ideas than it could hold.

At times like this she would usually have Enrique to talk to; but Enrique was dead, from an overdose of moon pies. And who was this Doctor Who? He had seem so familiar somehow. This had all began when she and Enrique had set out to find the little ouhouse on the hill. Had she found it? She didn't know. She didn't know anything anymore. But the question was, did she feel good about it.

Just then a raindrop fell and a slight breeze began to stir.

**********

Dickie and Lucy were leaving for Alaska. The KGB had a plan for buying Alaska back from the United States. Lucy's assignment was to investigate the feasibility of building a bridge across the Bering Straight. She was letting Dickie come with her as long he promised not to look at her feet and that one day he would make pants for women. Luckily the Humvee was still running and they drove into the sunset.

They left just in time.

**********

Fogg had also determined it was time to leave. Seeing Doctor Who reminded him how much he enjoyed the show and since reruns were only being rerunned back in England he knew he had to get back there ASAP. One thing bothered him though. Why were there BBQ sauce stains on the Doctor's scarf? Dickie and Lucy said they would give him a lift to the border.

He left just in time.

Chapter 94

Lance and DB worked into the night preparing the ground for mudholes for the pigs. Lance said to DB,

"We need water, DB."

"Don't worry," DB replied, "I can smell it a'comin'."

**********

Hurricane Hillary was bearing down on San Manse, and just like its namesake, it had no plans to show mercy. At US Air Force HQ in San Antionio, Brigadier General Deb Bie shouted to her assistant,

"Captain Horatio, tell that Jumbo Jet to get in the air and fly immediately to San Manse'!"

"But, General, what about the hurricane?"

General Bie looked straight into the captain's eyes and replied, "I don't give a damn about that hurricane. I just want to save Deep Belly. Those are my orders, Captain, and unless you want to face court-martial, carry them out."

"Yes, Sir!"

**********

DB and Lance were snackin' on moon pies and Shiner when the Lexus 4x4 drove up. Bernice hollered at them, "Jump in, a hurricane's coming!"

Lance cried out, "What about the pigs? Sloppy will kill me if anything happens to them."

Bernice replied, "They'll be OK. SM Tubebacher is sending them 48 hours into the future. The storm will have passed by then so they'll be safe."

Lance and DB hopped in the Lexus 4x4 and headed for Mosath's Bunker. They noticed a man sitting beside Bernice. He looked a lot like Mosath.

Chapter 95

The Skinny Ones never knew what hit them. Perhaps it was better that way. The low fat contents of their bodies were no match for Hillary's wind. If only they had eaten more french fries they might have had a chance.

Bernice, Homast, and Lance crawled into Mosath's bunker just before the first big wind blew. DB declined to join them, saying it looked hot in there, and he might enjoy a little breeze and some rain after all the hot desert days.

**********

Sue Chambers spoke with Mr. Belly on his sale phone, "I got some big news, Mr. Belly. Dandy Don is coming to see you!" Mr. Belly exclaimed, "dadgum! You funnin' me? Shoot, how'd you git him away from them dadgum kidnappers? He goin' back on Monday football? Goodee, goodee, goodee!" Sue Chambers then said, "well, that's a long story, Mr. Belly. No, Don doesn't want to go on Monday Night Football, but he wants to meet you (because we're paying him a million dollars, thought Chambers). Now I know you don't like to fly, so we're driving down. We'll be there at noon tomorrow." Mr. Belly said, "well, dadgum, we'll shore be ready for him! You tell him he don't need ta pack no dadgum lunch cause we'll have a dadgum Dandy Don feast!"

Early the next morning, Mr. Belly had determined that the Dandy Don feast was just about ready. To make sure there would be plenty of pork and goat BBQ, Mr. Belly had limited himself to a set of breakfast-cycle meals that consumed only three platter of ribs.

Suddenly, an Explorer rolled to a stop at the Dandy Don feast grounds. Sue Chambers stepped out, and then there he was standing just feet from Mr. Belly - Dandy Don Meredith, a legendary Cowboy hero to Mr. Belly. Mr. Belly ran out to meet him, fairly dancing along the way, creating substantial dust and rock movements. He exclaimed, "dadgum, it's you, it's you! Dadgum, I'm shore glad you got loose a them kidnappers. Did they hurt you?" Mr. Belly didn't pause long enough for Meredith to answer. He continued, "looky here, here's a question I've been a wonderin' 'bout. Jist a dadgum question's all it is. Listen here, you know when they was a booin' you over to the Cotton Bowl, even when you had that big ol' hole in the one side and yore arm was jist about ta fall off? 'Member that? Well, here's what I'm wonderin' and jist wonderin's all. Couldn't it a been that them what was booin' you was put there by commanists plottin' against the Cowboys, them same commanists what shot up Mr. JFK and put Mr. FDR in that wheel chair and shipped him off to Cuba ta sit in that dadgum wheel chair while they was tellin' everbody he was daid? Couldn't it be?"

Meredith thought to himself, "damn! This guy's insane! Heck, I thought Ditka, Butkus and Willie were nuts. Dang, they aren't even on the outskirst of this guy's crazy." Searching for the right words, Meredith said, "well, sure, could be." Mr. Belly began to stomp his foot gleefully, saying, "I knew it! I knew it! Dadgum, I knew it! I done told Billy Don Beauregard a hunnerd times if I told him four that it was them commanists. And here's sumthin' else there, Mr. Dandy. I'm jist a wonderin' if it wadn't them commanists what costed the Cowboys from beatin' them dadgum Packers when you know dadgum well you all was a whole mess better then them, right? 'Course you know that! Dadgum, everbody knows that! Ain't that there right? Sure as anythang right? I'm jist askin', a course." Meredith replied, "well, it's pretty dadgum hard to argue with what you've had to say there, Donnie Bob."

Mr. Belly then led Meredith to one of the eight fud lines. "Looky here, Mr. Dandy, you gotta git you some fud. Cain't go storvin' here a long way from home. Here, let me help you here. Fact, shoot, you jist have a seat right there on the Mr. Dandy throne, behind the Mr. Dandy eatin' table, and I'll brang over sum dadgum fud! OK! Good!"

Meredith was getting nervous. He was surrounded by a good 100 lbs. of food that he was clearly expected to eat, and he simply couldn't eat another bite. The BBQ was good, very good, but you can eat only so much. At least, he could. This Donnie Bob didn't seem to have any limits."

Mr. Belly said, "you gettin' enought fud there, Mr. Dandy?" Meredith said, "this is the best BBQ I've ever had, but I just don't have room for another bite.!

Mr. Belly said, "well, they gonna be plenty left here if you git hungry some more OK? Now, let's go thow some dadgum football!" Not waiting for a response, Mr. Belly fairly lifted Meredith from his chair. Meredith had to jog to keep up with where Mr. Belly was leading him.

Mr. Belly said, "you know what Mr. Dandy, I done thowed pig all my dadgum life, and I ain't never thowed me a spiral. I can get me a curve pig or a drop pig, but I'll be dadgumed if I can get me a spiral pig. Would you show me Mr. Dandy, purty, purty please?" Again not waiting for a response, Mr. Belly said, "goody, goody, goody! Mr. Dandy gonna show me how ta thow a spiral pig!"

Mr. Belly handed Meredith a piglet, assuring him that it was "jist right for tossin'" Meredith asked, "won't it hurt the pig to throw it?" Mr. Belly said, "shoot no! Don't hurt a bit. I'll thow me a pig 60 yds. and all you gotta worry 'bout is catchin' him when he lands. Now, a good toss might get 'em ta pukin', so you got to watch that. And then, you cain't go kickin' 'em. Shoot, place kick a pig, and it'll mess 'em all up. Not tossin' though! See?"

Meredith decided he had better get the pig tossin' out of the way if he was ever going to get out of Mexico, so he gave it a shot. Sure enough, he threw a 20 yard spiral. Mr. Belly was in awe. "Dadgum! I knew it! I jist knew it! If they anybody that can thow a perfect dadgum pig spiral, I jist knowed it was gonna be Mr. Dandy Don! Dadgum, Dandy, can show me how ta do it? Please? Purty, purty please?"

Meredith proceeded to show Mr. Belly how he gripped the pig toward its rear, and released it as he rotated his hand. Meredith could see that Mr. Belly's biggest problem, at least one of them, was that his hand was huge, probably 50% larger than his. "Darn, thought Meredith. Crazy and a giant. Too bad he wasn't blocking for me. He could have maimed Butkus before he got out of control." Mr. Belly said, "I thank I got it! I thank I got it!" Then he threw the pig but alas, it flew through the air end-over-end. Mr. Belly said, "shoot! That ain't no dadgum good!" So, he tried tossing another pig. And then another and another. Finally, after trying 20 pig throws, Mr. Belly said, "dadgum it, Mr. Dandy, I jist don't thank I'm gonna never get me no dadgum spiral pig. Guess I jist ain't got the spiral gift."

Meredith said, "well dadgum it, Donnie Bob, there's no need to do every dadgum thing! Shoot, you can get the pig there. The spiral's just gravy." The word "gravy" triggered an association in Mr. Belly's mind that overrode his disappointment over the failed spiral pig attempts. He said, "dadgum, you right, Mr. Dandy. I'm kinda hungry! You are too ain't you? I thought so! Dadgum, pig tossin'll sure make you hungry. Let's go git a dadgum snack!"

Meredith grabbed a rib. Darn it, he was hungry. He could get used to eating this BBQ. He wasn't so sure he could get used to this Donnie Bob, however. After eating three more ribs, Meredith said, "well, Donnie Bob, Miss Sue and me are gonna have to head home."

After perhaps a minute, Mr. Belly realized that someone was talking and heard Meredith again say something about "going home." Mr. Belly said, "well, I tell you one thang. If them commanists try to kidnap you any more, any dadgum more, you jist get some word ta me, or anybody at the barber shop, and we'll git out there and fix them dadgum kidnappers, OK?"

Meredith assured Mr. Belly that he would seek protection at the first sign of communist kidnappers, and got in the Explorer.

Mr. Belly then said, "well dadgum! See, now San Manse's done been started off right! Mr. Dandy Don's done got it started off on the right dadgum foot, or arm or what not. Ain't never gonna be no bad dadgum football teams in this town no more, I can tell you that. It's a real good sign. Dadgum, good signs shore make me hungry."

Chapter 96

Mosath Eyskin waited at the airstrip, searching the skies for the weapon of his revenge on Bernice Belly and all the other foes of FOE, an unthinking, unfeeling agent of apocalypse - Phil Donohue.

Afraid to expose himself to Donohue for extended periods, he met the modern master of low TV ratings and his cameraman, escorted them to FOE ground null, and quickly sped away into the San Manse dust.

Donohue had no idea where he was, but he was used to that. He had been told that he was now in a area that was being purchased by a wealthy Texas facist and that he had a chance to scoop Fox on the story that was plenty.

Looking into the camera set up just beside the FOE ruins, Donohue said, "haven't we been here before? A rich American visits a poor thrid-world country, likes the view and the cheap labor and buys the whole town with spare change? And not just any filthy rich American, but someone from George W. Bush's home state. You know what this looks like? You use up the good people of Enron and Haliburton, and look elsewhere for new victims. Well, here we are, at the new target of greedy Republicans looking for fresh blood to drink."

Just then, Mr. Belly stepped out of the RO, holding approximated 14 pork ribs in one hand. Donohue said, "and you sir, what do you have to say about the new imperialism?" Mr. Belly looked at Donohue while finishing off two ribs. He asked, "dadgum, who you? I cain't keep up with all the folks that comin' and goin' 'round here." Donohue said, "I'm Phil Donohue, of course." Mr. Belly said, "well, nice ta meet you Phil Don," and began eating another rib.

Donohue then spoke to the camera, "just as Franklin Delaon Roosevelt rescued the United States from criminal capitalism sixty years ago, the third-world is waiting to be liberated from modern capitalist theives." Mr. Belly suddenly dropped the rib he had been chewing on, and, in shocking action, the remaining six ribs he had not yet consumed. He stepped over to Donohue and heartily slapped him on the back. Donohue was completely winded by the force of Mr. Belly's affectionate slap. For the first time in his life, he was in front of a camera, and couldn't speak a word. Mr. Belly could, saying, "dadgum, Phil Don, you shore right 'bout Mr. FDR. I tell you what too, it's a dadgum shame them commanists put him in that dadgum wheel chair and taken him over to Cuber and flat out locked him up, tellin' everbody that he was dean. Wadn't that there sorry?" Donohue continued to struggle for his voice. Fearful of eliciting another slap from the large Mr. Belly, he wildly nodded affirmatively.

Mr. Belly continued, "I tell you somethin' else that I'm aggervated 'bout that Mr. FDR shore wouldn't stand for, and that's the dadgum price a horse meat. Shoot, you cain't hardly afford to eat it no more 'cause it costs too dadgum much." That was enough to jolt Donohue back to speech. With a rough voice he asked, "are you eating horse meat in this area because of capitalist oppression?" Mr. Belly said, "shoot no! Cain't afford it!" Pausing to pick up the ribs he had dropped, Mr. Belly said, "wail, I guess they ain't too bad," and began eating them.

Donohue continued, "so, once again, greedy investment bankers are destroying another economy in a new country..." Mr. Belly excitedly grabbed Donohue's microphone, saying, "dadgum right, Phil Don. See, it's them dadgum banks that folks got to stay away from. How many times I got to tell it - use yore dadgum Mickey boxes! Shoot, you ain't gonna see Mickey runnin' off with your money or lettin' them commanists git they hands on it. Dadgum, Phil Don, I'm shore glad you here to tell folks 'bout then dadgum bankers! Shoot, you'd be surprised how many folks don't know 'bout that mess."

Donohue reached for his microphone, and once again, Mr. Belly slapped him on the back, saying, "Phil Don, you alright!" Once again, Donohue was speechless, and very afraid.

Mr. Belly continued, "see, the first thang you do is put your dollars in Mickey boxes. Not them dadgum Hefty bags, dadgum it! See, next thang you you know, you'll be takin' them dadgum dollars out to the trash and burnin' 'em. That ain't no dadgum good! Might as well have them dollars in a commanist bank. Use the dadgum Mickey box, dadgum it!"

Inside the CNBC control room in New Jersey, the senior producer said, "well, I don't know what the hell he said, but he sure sounds better than Phil Don. I say let him roll. But don't skip the commercial breaks. Think Phil's gonna be OK? We can only least hope."

Over at Fox, Roger Ailes said, "this is perfect! Get Geraldo over there! Darn, this will be perfect. Starting promoing our new special "The battle of the giant egos."

Chapter 97

Suddenly, a San Manse bicyle taxi sped into FOE ground null, stirring up a large dust cloud. A voice could be heard shouting, "faster, peasant! I'm being scooped!" As the bicycle slammed to a stop, Geraldo jumped out with this camera man. He rushed to within a few feet of Donohue and said to the camera, "this is an outrage! I have risked life, health and proper hair care to bring you news of the momentous events of the last few days, and now here come's big media, sending another fat cat news hack to take over coverage of this story. Well, it won't work! I am Geraldo and he is not."

Donohue was hesitant to speak, since he was still well within Mr. Belly's reach, but he couldn't contain himself:

Donohue: Rest assured, viewers, that I will not be intimidated by Rupert Murdoch's thugs...

Geraldo: ...wears a dress...

Donohue: ...Bubba suck-up...

Geraldo: Naderite!

Donohue: three words - Al Capone's vault

Geraldo: Mr. Marlo Thomas

Donohue: dumped by NBC...

Mr. Belly then grabbed Donohue's microphone, as Donohue quickly stepped away. Mr. Belly said, "now, listen here, if you fellers is gonna scrap, you gotta take them glasses off. Them's the rules." Donohue exclaimed, "I can't see without my glasses! And that's my mic! That's my camera!"

Mr. Belly said, "don't matter. Cain't scrap with glasses on. Shoot, everbody knows that. Everthang else is fair, though. Want a gun? I'll give you one, but Waldo gits one too. Or a knife, that there'd be OK. Shoot, we could use a scrap! Everbody want a scrap?" The gathering group began to applaud. Someone said, "I'm taking Waldo. 50 pesos." Someone else said, "I'll take Phil Don, 20-1."

Geraldo said, "I will never back down from a fight with anyone, even powerful hack agents of big media. Your move, Phil. I've risked life and limb before in pursuit of truth, justice and ratings. Your move."

Donohue said, "now, listen, it would be primitive, crude and somehow imperialistic for two journalists to engage in physical combat..." Mr. Belly interrupted, "dadgum, Phil Don, you ain't gonna scrap?" Donohue continued, "I have always been a fighter, a scraper, a soldier, a hero of the underclass, the middle class, the idle wealthy class that means well and gives wonderful speeches, the consciences of America..."

Mr. Belly grabbed Donohue's microphone, saying, "shoot! We ain't gonna have no dadgum scrap! Dadgum! Well, shoot, if they ain't gonna be no scrap, I'm gonna sang a dadgum song!"

Mr. Belly began to lead the crowd in a long series of musical numbers. Most could not understand what he was saying, but as the microphone was passed through the crowd, others began to sing their own songs that were largely unintellible.

Finally, a hush came over the crowd as they realized that the microphone was now in the hand of the phantom of San Manse. AT had made an appearance.

***************

AT stood silently for over five minutes, silently tuning his internal tuner, which was way out of tune. Then an eight-piece band of mariachi and jug band musicians began to assemble near AT and he began to sing:

Changes were bound to be made

Some of us were afraid

Afraid we might lose our way

Along the road to San Manse

San Manse! San Manse!

Lost in a hurricane

Nobody knows my name

I�ll never find my way to San Manse

Hey, hey, hey, hey

I know the color of your heart

The senseless way you tear it apart

I know there�s a price to pay

Along the road to San Manse

For those who fear the rain

We�ll never see the sun again

It�s a long ways before the day

Along the road to San Manse

San Manse! San Manse!

Lost in a hurricane

Nobody knows my name

I�ll never find my way to San Manse

Hey, hey, hey, hey

AT then said, "it has been written. It has been sung. Now, let it be." And then he left, vanishing from the area.

Someone asked, "and what does this mean?" Someone else said, "I think I know, but I'm not sure." Mr. Belly was heard saying, "you know what, not knowin' sure makes me hungry."

Chapter 98

Geraldo was saying to his camera, "'Let it be.' What does it mean? I don't know, but I will explain..." Donohue was then heard saying, "Sure, everyone wants to know what 'let it be' means. I'll tell you what it doesn't mean. It doesn't mean that Texas moneygrabbers should be allowed to steal anywhere they want to go in the worlds and plunder..." Dickie was heard explaining, "see, this is what we don't know; I'll mark it with an 'x.' Now, here's what we don't know; I'll mark that with a 'y.' OK, now draw a line between x and y, ..."

Mr. Belly then announced to the crowd, "they's only one feller what can tell us what it all means. That there's Mr. Country. Dadgum it, we ain't never gonna know unless we can get Mr. Country to tell us, dadgum it. And that there's all they are to it. Shoot, they ain't no reason to go storvin' while we ain't knowin', though."

**********

Bernice Belly was standing outside the FOE Bunker when an old, grizzled man with a cane and a microphone approached. Hurricane Hillary had passed, staying just long enough to establish residence, then continuing on its cataclysmic path.

The old man introduced himself, "Howdy, I'm Lymes Wennam, reporter for KZZTP out of San Marcos. Our motto is 'we neither lose, abuse, or confuse the news'. I've been there seventy-five years. How about an interview?"

Bernice thought why not? "What's your first question?"

"What the hell's going on around here?"

Bernice replied, "We're reaching the end of the story. It's been a bumpy ride but we're almost there. There's been some plot confusion here at the end but I think one of the writers has come up with a way of explaining everything."

Wennam coughed up some blood then asked, "How about a sequel?"

"A good chance but there's some debate about the title. 'Something Like Something Like No Other' has been suggested."

"Too bulky." Wennam commented.

"Sloppy wants to call it 'Sooie Generis' in honor of his pigs."

"That's got some zing," offered Lymes, "but how about the Dandy Don and Phil Donahue segments? How do they fit into the time frame?"

Bernice took a swig of Shiner (she was a Belly after all) and answered, "The Dandy Don incident takes place about three months after the hurricane. SM Tubebacher managed that one. I'm not too sure about the Phil Donahue segment but it's somewhere around that same time."

"What about Homast and Mosath Eyskin? Who'll win the battle over BOM leadership?"

"That's definitely sequel material. I will say this, though, without a viable BOM, this series of novels will have no focus point."

Wennam squinted in the desert sun, "Why's that?"

"Because only BOM can bring the outhouse back to respectability, and an outhouse is only as good as its user."

"I see," said Wennam, but he didn't see, and thus ended the interview.

A jumbo jet was spotted in the sky approaching from the north.

*********

Our time is now the present. Hurricane Hillary is clawing, screaming, hurdleing, canoeing, Titanicing. You could almost say she was ...rampaging!

Maria knew her only hope was the rolling outhouse. Thanks to its bulk it was still standing in the great wind. She fought with all her might and just made it inside.

Almost immediately she heard a banging on the door and three voices, two crying to be let in and the third braying. It was Chompy, Chunky, and Chimpy. Chompy and Chunky manage to crawl in but a even stronger gust of wind blew and Chimpy was carried about thirty feet away. Chunky cried out, "I don't want to lose my ass again!" and jumped out into the roaring abyss and struggled valiantly to reclaim his ass. Somehow he was successful and the outhouse found itself occupied by Maria, Chompy, Chunky, and Chimpy.

They were all congratulating themselves when suddenly they felt the outhouse rising into the air. Maria looked out the diamond shaped port hole and saw that they and the outhouse were being carried away by the mighty winds of Hurricane Hillary. It was exhilirating but Maria couldn't help but wonder,

"Where are we going?"

DB who had been witnessing the whole thing while standing beside the FOE Bunker, exclaimed,

"Damn! Looks like my rolling outhouse is dadgum gone with the wind!"

Chapter 99

Bill O'Reilly began his Talking Points Memo:

"OK, we've got the "Worst Novel Ever" out there and it just won't end. So let's end it. Do we need the writers? No, I'll do it. Do I have all the answers? Do I know everything? No. I'll never know why everybody doesn't agree with me. I'm totally baffled.

"So, here's what we'll do. First of all, Mr. Belly, Mr. Dickie Bob Belly, needs to put up some evidence that FDR was indeed taken to Cuba instead of dying of natural causes as reported, or just shut up. He's out there practicing conspiratorial rumor reportage without a journalistic affiliation, and that is simply not allowed. Not in the No Spin Zone, OK?

"Second, would someone tell me where the Sequel Negotiation Board is? Wake them up! If the sequel isn't planned, we're never going to get out of this novel, OK? Is that so hard to understand? Do I have to phrase this in language Jesse Jackson would understand, or what? OK, try this - if the end ain't found, confusion will abound. Are you getting me yet? No? OK, try this - if we don't reach the end, my brain's gonna bend. You get the idea, I hope. Otherwise, we need a new SNB. Really.

"Finally, tell Dick Morris it's time to end the vacation! Past time! We just don't need a Fox News political analyst wandering around in a novel, having a great time, while there are important political stories out here to analyze. Can Morris analyze them as well as me? No, but that's beside the point, OK? He has a job. A job means going to work. Read me?

Now, let's end this novel and get the sequel out of the way before my next book comes out. Publishing clutter simply doesn't belong in the No Spin Zone.

Chapter 100

SM Tubebacher here. You may think we're at the end but we're really at the beginning. That's the way time works. It flows backward. That's why my TTM (Tubebacher Time Machine) can send DB into the future. Because it's already happened. No mystery to it and you can't screw things up because the future can't be changed.

But the past is another matter. We think we know the past but what we think we know is the result of pre-hypnotic suggestions that are sent from the future to the present. The past is the greatest novel of all because it's the work of pure creative energy. It's all thought. It has no reality.

Yes, I know I will be ridiculed for my beliefs, but I know that at some point in the past the truth will be revealed.

I want to take this opportunity to thank the writers of this novel for the opportunity to express my views on the nature of time and I also want to thank Mother Nature for the necessity that makes a necessity of outhouses.

*********

The Jumbo Jet made a belly landing on the sandy outskirts of San Manse'. General Deb Bie thought it was a fitting tribute to the man that she had once loved, and the man that had made this novel the worst ever possible.... DEEP BELLY!

What is nonsense? The idea that there is no end. You mean eternity? Eternity may exist but to try to explain it is to talk nonsense. The same with infinity. Infinity makes slightly more sense because the universe is so vast. But even there the concept is on shaky ground. Why? When did the universe become infinite? How can you be infinite unless you start off infinite? But how can something begin infinite? To begin implies finiteness. So the universe is finite? From a larger point of view it is. What lies outside the universe? Eternity, and the continuing story.