It seems it's been a long time since I've written anything in my site, especially in here. Months pass and I say nothing but it isn't because I don't love Lisa, or that I have nothing left to say to her or about her. Not at all. It's that my love for her, everything I feel for her goes well beyond the verbal. What I want to say, I haven't the words for. I want to tell her how she makes me feel inside when we're talking, or what happens to me and what I feel when she is gone, I want to tell her what it feels like when my heart smiles in a way only she can make happen, and how my whole body cries when I think about how far apart we are but what can I say, what words can I use to describe a love I never knew before her, or a sadness I'd never felt before her? I don't want to take for granted that she knows without me saying anything, that she can see what my heart feels. I always want her to know how much I love her, even if I can't quite say how completely she has become a part of me. When she is gone, the light that she brings into my life dims and darkness surrounds me until I can be with her again. If a day passes, two days, three days, without us being able to talk, it's like I become blind, I get so engulfed in the darkness. It hurts so much to think of other people together, hugging, kissing, cuddling, making love, when we can't, when my arms ache so badly to have her in them it's all I can think about, when I close my eyes and she's all I can see, when my throat tightens with burried tears fighting to come to the surface because I can't be closer to her right now.
Many nights I've laid in bed thinking what I can do to be with her, what it would be like to see her everyday, to be able to just walk up and put my arms around her when I want, to be able to tell her how much I love her without saying a word. I, honestly, can't even imagine what that would be like to actually have the one I loved more than life itself, right there, right here, right beside me. I've loved her for nearly two years and I can't even really begin to phathom how awesome a feeling it would be to have her arms around me, or to have her kiss me, or to have her with me when we sleep. I have a vivid imagination, but what I can imagine wouldn't even be close to the reality of what it would be. If you've ever been in real, true love, then you know the completeness in your heart when you're with them compared to the emptiness when you aren't, and if you haven't felt that, then you haven't felt the love I'm talking about, but I know the completeness when we talk and the emptiness when we don't. I think those feelings would multiply a hundred fold after we're together and I've felt her in my arms. Right now I feel the utter emptiness of not having her to hold, but after holding her and then having to let her go (because I can't hold her 24/7 no matter how much I want to) I think I would feel the emptiness of my arms so much more.
But I want nothing more than to be with her and stay with her for the rest of our lives. She is my passion for life.
Lisa you have opened up life to me, helped me see that it isn't what happens to us that makes us who we are, but rather how we deal with what happens. You've helped me understand who I am and what I have inside if I could only let myself look deep enough. You're more to me than anyone has ever been or ever could be and I thank you for everything. If ever our future children were to look for a role model, someone they could look up to, to find love, understanding, compassion, strength, determination, humour, support and guidance they would only have as far as you to look. I know how sweet it is to have you as a partner and best friend, and they will know how sweet it is to have you as a mother.
If later down the road I don't talk enough, it's because my heart is trying to do the talking that my mouth can't.
I love you ever so much. |
