Frequently Asked Questions About
Closed Loop Relationships and Groups

Why is geographic closeness part of the defintion?

Because, having a long distance relationship puts the emphasis back on sex. If you only see each other a few times a year, the chances are much greater that you will eventually try to supplement that relationship with a 'friend' closer to home.  The idea behind a Closed Loop relationship is to come up with one, stable, workable solution.

How long will it take before I meet my Closed Loop partner?

There is no guarantee that you will ever meet the right person through the group to enter into a CLR with.  There are so many variables involved - proximity, personalities, different circumstances..... So whilst one of the main aims of the group is to provide a place for like-minded men to encounter each other, outcomes cannot be predicted.  What we can promise is that you will meet other men in similar circumstances to yourself and that if you allow yourself to you will form lasting friendships with others who share your feelings and who can offer support and advice whenever you need it.  Don't forget, your CLR might be the guy next door who has never heard of the group.  But whilst you shouldn't pin all your hopes on the group, you never know who'll be the next to join.

Isn't this just an organised attempt for bisexual/gay married men to act on their homosexuality while hiding the truth from their wives?

No.  Whether or not you 'come out' is an individual decision and has nothing to do with the definition of a Closed Loop.  Ideally a man in a Closed Loop relationship would be out to his wife/partner for many reasons.  Roughly 25% of the US Closed Loop group are out and another 10% say they will do so when they're together and ready.  As these guys talk and share their experiences with the group (and the others see that a sucessful outcome is possible), there will be more of a chance that people will open up to their wives.  So, in actuality, the group accomplishes just the opposite.

What about diseases?

What many guys do, when they start acting on their feelings, is go out and have anonymous sex.  Sometimes this is unsafe sex, and some guys have the totally mistaken idea that they'll be able to recognise if their partner has a disease.  They reason that the guy wouldn't be doing it if he had a disease !   If you're having anonymous sex or one-night stands, what incentive does the other guy have to warn you that he's got something or to use protection? None.  In fact, if he did warn you, then you probably wouldn't have sex with him.  Since his (and your) goal is to have sex, then he's got an incentive NOT to tell you.  The goal of a CLR is that you get to be friends with somebody first. If you're friends, then, by definition, you care about the other person. And, if you care about them, you have an incentive to tell them.  In addition, with the focus away from sex and with more time to plan it when you do decide to have it, you will be more level headed about it and can take the time to protect yourself.

Do the men have to have extra-marital sex to be part of this group?

When a man discovers he's attracted to other men, he suddenly has a  major secret - a LARGE part of his life - that he feels he has to hide from everybody.  The feeling is "I have this terrible monster lurking inside of  me and, if anybody finds it out, they won't like me".  To come into contact with other guys and to really make friends with them risks discovery and also risks that he might acquire more than platonic feelings towards such a friend.  In order to avoid this, many men avoid making close friendships with other guys.  Thus, the last true male friendships these men have had were back in school.  As guys get older, they really start to regret their lack of connectedness with other men.  They don't understand why it is they don't have more male friends.  Since EVERYBODY in this group has the same internal 'monster', this is one of the few places where you can actually make friends with other guys and be more open than you can be in the outside world. You can talk about almost anything without being afraid of being rejected - so long as it's on-topic. (Discussions that are off topic are things like: the moderation of the group, trying to redefine what a CLR  is, discussions about other configurations of relationships (like multiple male partners etc) So, if want to stay monogamous with your wife, and want not to have sex with a man, but subscribe to a platonic form of CLR this is ALSO a club for you.  Just be up front where you're coming from so your friend will understand you, and will be able to respect your attitudes and not put any pressure on you of a sexual nature.

I'm going to be in XYZ city next week, and will have a private room...

Closed Loop groups are not sex clubs.  Any messages which are obviously requests for sex will be deleted and the poster will be banned from the club without notice.  

Body parts and what you're "into"

See note above.  Describing how you are hung or whether you're a top or bottom, or what physical things you like is inappropriate in a  Closed Loop group.  If you do it, you'll definitely be getting a message from the moderator.

Using the group to market other groups or products

Don't do it without clearing with the moderator first.  Sexually oriented (for example, trying to form a masturbation club or a porn mailing list) marketing is prohibited here.  Doing so will be grounds for banning.

I don't agree with XXX (fill in the blank) of your Closed Loop Philosophy, but I still want to be a member.

The assumption for membership is that you agree with the definition.  The definition is the definition.  If you take part of it and change it, then it's not a CLR.  It doesn't mean that you've got to be there right now, it's just that you believe that, eventually, a CLR as defined by the definition and philosophy is what you're striving for.  If you wish to debate the definitions, then chances are good you'll get booted.  Form your own group and you can define anything anyway you want, but be prepared for someone to join your group and try to change around anything you've defined.   If you've got some other type of configuration for a relationship which is not a CLR, (unless it's traditional monogamy with your wife/partner) and that's what you're striving for, then this isn't the group for you. It's fine to be dating (the journey).  It's to be expected.  However, if you're in this group, the assumption is that a CLR (the destination) is where you're headed.