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Sunday, February 4, 2001

My Chocolate is still smiling and appears healthy � but soon pictures and memories will be all I have left of her. We are living one day at a time. I'm giving her cat's claw and glucosamine. The only pain med she requires at this point is 2 Bufferin every 8 hours. She has an appointment Thursday for a recheck. She hasn't had a bone biopsy done as the anesthesia would be very toxic to her. The vet feels that if she is continuing to do well when she is re-checked this week another set of x-rays is in order - if the tumor hasn't gotten bigger or has diminished in size there's a chance this may be something other than osteosarcoma. I'm praying for the best, but preparing for the worst.

I've made plans to spread Chocolate's ashes on an island situated in a lake where we always vacationed. (Just a little lake in the Midwest, but Chocolate�s favorite place to be.) When my time comes, my daughter will spread my ashes on that same island. Funny way these dogs have of making themselves a part of your soul . . .

Thursday, February 8, 2001

We fought the ice storm and made it to the vet and back today. No good news. Chocolate's blood tests show continued kidney failure. The vet feels that it�s likely the cancer has metasticized to her kidneys, or that she is fighting two types of cancer - not surprising I guess, given that she's been immunosuppressed for 3 or 4 years. There are tests that could determine exactly what's going on, but either way, the outcome will be the same. It wouldn't make any difference, there's nothing to be done other than to keep her comfortable for as long as she wants to keep fighting. I'm not going to put her through anything that will lesson the quality of her life for as long as she has. Now the question seems to be what will spell her end - the osteosarcoma or the kidney failure.

I keep telling myself that we have already bought time - she's been having tumors removed for the last 2 or 3 years, all but one of them benign. The last tumor (a huge one on her neck) did contain pre-cancerous cells - that was almost a year ago. I guess poor Chocolate's body is just too tired and worn out to keep dodging the bullet. At least she is fairly pain free so far. She was put on Rimadyl today for the first time. She'll have blood work done again in two weeks. I was told that towards the end, the kidney failure will cause vomiting, loss of appetite, and tremors and shaking (among other things). I don't want her to have to go through that. Based on the results of the next blood tests, I should have somewhat of a time frame. Not that it will help much. I'm still in denial - as crazy as it is, I keep hoping that she'll wake up one morning healthy again - that this will all be a mistake or a bad dream or that we'll experience a miracle. I'm so exhausted. I just can't believe that I'm going to have to say goodbye to the best friend I ever had. I think sometimes I will just go crazy.

I hate this disease. So unpredictable. One day chasing rabbits, smiling a great big doggy smile, jumping up and down to greet you at the door - life is good - then the next day a limp - no warning - the diagnosis - osteosarcoma & probable metastisis to kidneys - no cure. So you fight it, spend all your money fighting it, max out all the charge cards fighting it, consider cashing in the retirement account fighting it, seek a second job to help pay the expenses, and do all this willingly - but all you get is a little time (if you're lucky). No cure they say. So you pray for a miracle. One day all looks very well and promising (chasing squirrels & barking at the mailman), and the next day it all falls apart (no appetite & looking so droopy). And then it can turn again (bouncing around the house in the a.m & begging for a W-A-L-K in the p.m), and there is nothing to do but live one day at a time. And hope that I�ll have the wisdom to put my fur-baby down before she suffers, yet not cheat her of even one day of quality life. It's absolutely exhausting.

Eight months ago Chocolate had a complete checkup. Complete blood panel and extensive allergy testing. Spent $1,000 for the allergy testing alone (Chocolate's vet split cost 50/50 with me - he also loves Chocolate - says she's a one-in-a-lifetime dog). Comparisons and consulting were done with chemists in California and Arizona, and we were hoping for a� Chocolate-specific� antigen to be used this spring for her multiple allergies. All these tests and not one indication that anything was amiss. I feel so out-of-control and helpless.

Wednesday, February 14, 2001

Friday, February 16, 2001

I'm really hoping Chocolate will have the opportunity to fill her snout with all her favorite great smells and to feel the breeze on her face one more time. Chocolate has been taking me on long walks (2 - 3 hours) every night the last couple of weeks. She wears me out (walking and falling through all the deep snow is tedious), but it makes her so happy that I let her track every bunny, sniff every bush, bark at every cat . . . I swear she's attempting to memorize every square inch of anything that's ever been a part of her life so that she can take it to the Bridge when she goes.

Friday, February 23, 2001

This is all so crazy. Talk about ups and downs. Chocolate had her 2-week check up yesterday. Kidney function appears to be normal again. Liver function is normal with the exception of her cholesterol, which is very high. The vet is checking into this to see if it could be a side effect of Rimadyl. Here's the crazy part - the tumor seems to have (for the most part) disappeared. The x-rays were taken from a number of angles and I saw them with my own eyes. There is still a small shaded area around the shoulder joint, which indicates that something is going on, but it doesn't seem to be osteosarcoma. In the first set of x-rays the tumor could clearly be seen extending half way down her leg. We need to find out what is going on, but (at least today), it looks like there may be some hope. The leg area is clear, as are the lungs. There is no sign of infection.

I am afraid to get my hopes too high - I know there are other cancers and maybe this is one of them. But it's also possible that she sustained some unexpected, unexplainable type of leg injury when she fell out of bed just before all this happened. (When big dogs fall, they land HARD.) And I'm sure I will spend another thousand dollars or so trying to figure out exactly what is going on (besides the loss of my sanity). This is all sooooo crazy.

Thursday, March 1, 2001

We still can�t be sure what�s going on - just a slight limp sometimes (not all the time) - and we don't have a final diagnosis yet, but if it�s osteosarcoma, it�s not a typical case � never heard of or read about remission with this type of cancer. I have this fear that it could turn around again and come back, but who knows? I think I'll just keep believing in something I can't understand.